I'm sorry you won't be allowed to wear her ring on your wedding day as a "something borrowed". I would have thought that it would be a lovely gesture and very meaningful..
It's not like you would keep the ring after that. Is he going to come to your wedding?
Hopefully your grandfather's action is just in reaction to losing the love of his life. I'm sure it's not easy for him & probably anything he can grab onto that helps him feel close to her he is doing. Does this ring by chance have multiple stones on it? Reason I'm asking is maybe you can split it up? Several years ago, a friend of mine her uncle passed away. He had no children & wasn't married but did have a long time SO. He had a ring from something special that had a lot of diamonds in it. What the SO did I thought was so touching. She took the ring to a jeweler & had it taken apart. She kept the main diamond & had it put into something for herself. But there were enough smaller diamonds left that she had a diamond put into the center of a cross and gave it to his sister (my friends mom) and each of the nieces in the family. This way everyone would always have something to remember him by.
GUYS I THOUGHT ALL HOPE WAS LOST OF HAVING SOMETHING OF HERS, BUT GUESS WHAT! My mom has her gloves that she wore at her wedding, so I am going to put one in my pocket. I am feeling much better now.
I was in a similar situation. My grandmother had told me years ago that she wanted me to have her ring. It was at a family gathering with lots of people around, but I guess I'm the only one who remembered the conversation. Well, fast-forward about ten years and my grandmother passed away very suddenly. I assumed that she would have a will with that info in it, but she didn't. After a couple years, I asked my mother about it and told her about the conversation that we had and it seemed to make her kind of uncomfortable. It was months (maybe a year?) later that my mom told me that she had discussed it with her siblings and that everyone was okay with it. I regret that I didn't bring it up sooner, but you should probably broach the topic yourself. Sounds like everyone knows her intentions. Hopefully you won't have a problem either.
However, I will say this: don't let yourself get pushed over.
My mother died when I was 9. My dad had all my aunts come into the house and sort through her things, taking what they wanted. It was easier for him to get rid of it that way, he didn't have to deal with it, and it still got used. But in the scuffle, no one asked me about it.
So a few months later, I finally spoke up - my mother had a tacky silver compact mirror that I'd always thought was the most beautiful thing on the planet. I wanted to have it, and I asked for it. I remember my dad's face, and how shocked he was that in the mourning, and in the business of it all, the one heirloom I wanted of my mother's got swept away.
He called all the aunts, begging to find this thing. One of the aunts had it and shipped it back, I remember getting the manilla package and opening it. The compact slid out into my hands - it's a very vivid memory.
I'm going to be 27 this year, and I have that compact in my purse. I use it every day.
It may be really hard, but if there's one thing you really want to remember your loved ones, ask. You'll regret it later if you don't.
Oh and here I thought we had an update. Well, since we're here.. @mrshutzler ? Any updates?
Mrshutzler here! Grandpa has the ring, but insists I can't have it. I'm way over it. It was too flashy for me and I am content with my more conservative e-ring. If I get it down the road, great, but I don't want to start a family squabble over a dumb rock.
Oh and here I thought we had an update. Well, since we're here.. @mrshutzler ? Any updates?
Mrshutzler here! Grandpa has the ring, but insists I can't have it. I'm way over it. It was too flashy for me and I am content with my more conservative e-ring. If I get it down the road, great, but I don't want to start a family squabble over a dumb rock.
Ya know, I think you're better off. I don't want to speak for you, but if I received the ring after such issues with the family, I would be reminded of the issues more than the love behind the ring.
My mother recently passed after learning she was terminally ill. She was very young so she updated her will as soon as she knew she was sick and discussed it with my brother and sister and I. My sister and I were to have all her jewelry. Well, this upset my brother, as he has the only grandchild - a daughter. So he got all shitty and insisted that my sister and I give a piece to our niece. I had already though to make her a necklace out of one of my mom's stones, but he can kiss my ass now. I'll probably hold on to a stone and see where our relationship with my niece is in 15 years and give it to her directly then, but with a attitude like that, fuck him.
I hate how the passing of a loved one brings out the shithead selfishness of others.
Best of luck to you with your wedding and I'm glad you have the glove (and such good memories!) of your grandmother.
Oh and here I thought we had an update. Well, since we're here.. @mrshutzler ? Any updates?
Mrshutzler here! Grandpa has the ring, but insists I can't have it. I'm way over it. It was too flashy for me and I am content with my more conservative e-ring. If I get it down the road, great, but I don't want to start a family squabble over a dumb rock.
Ya know, I think you're better off. I don't want to speak for you, but if I received the ring after such issues with the family, I would be reminded of the issues more than the love behind the ring.
My mother recently passed after learning she was terminally ill. She was very young so she updated her will as soon as she knew she was sick and discussed it with my brother and sister and I. My sister and I were to have all her jewelry. Well, this upset my brother, as he has the only grandchild - a daughter. So he got all shitty and insisted that my sister and I give a piece to our niece. I had already though to make her a necklace out of one of my mom's stones, but he can kiss my ass now. I'll probably hold on to a stone and see where our relationship with my niece is in 15 years and give it to her directly then, but with a attitude like that, fuck him.
I hate how the passing of a loved one brings out the shithead selfishness of others.
Best of luck to you with your wedding and I'm glad you have the glove (and such good memories!) of your grandmother.
Thanks! I feel like being diplomatic is the only way to handle this. The wedding was in April, and went very well (in spite of my coordinator taking ill the day of). Everyone had a wonderful time, and I missed my grandmother but felt that she was there in spirit. I had no negative feelings whatsoever, and feel that if I had had the ring, it might have brought negative energy into my happy day. I now don't really want it at all because I'm a bit superstitious.
None of my grandparents had wills when they died. My maternal grandfather did want certain things to go back to my mom when grandma died, but she did not want him to break up the household. Her brother brought those things that were meant for my mom about a week later.
I know that she did have a mother's ring, and it was passed to the oldest girl, and when she died, it would go to the next LIVING girl. I believe that my Aunt Margie had it when she died last year only because the oldest living sister was in the early stages of Alzheimer's. My mom is now the only living sister besides the aunt in DE.
If it happens that my mom get's it and something happens to her, I would expect to get it, not my oldest cousin. Then it would go to my sister or niece.
When my maternal grandmother died, a cousin claimed her body but not her purse as she did not want to get blamed if something was missing. Dad had to get a warrant just to get the burial policy out of her purse. At that time an inventory was done and one of the items was a diamond engagement ring. When my dad was finally able to get her purse in 1975, he wrote a letter saying what he had and would allow them to decide what they wanted.
There were only three girls - his brother had one, and then me and my sister. I got the ring and still have it. Mom wanted me to put it way but dad said no, I could with with it what. Then she wanted me to have it reset. Still won't.
I just hope that your grandfather will honor your grandmother's wishes and not play favorites....
Ask for the ring already. Your Grandmother wanted you to inherit it and your Mom has it so what's the problem? So what if your cousins want it? There's only one ring and your grandmother chose you to get it. They need to deal.
As for your Grandfather, if he's not decent enough to honor his late wife's wishes, that's unfortunate. But the ring was given to your mother for you. It's not his to decide what go do with. If your Mom is worried about Upsetting him or anyone else she need only remind them it's what your Grandmother wanted - end of discussion. If they want to be angry, that's on them.
Ask for the ring already. Your Grandmother wanted you to inherit it and your Mom has it so what's the problem? So what if your cousins want it? There's only one ring and your grandmother chose you to get it. They need to deal.
As for your Grandfather, if he's not decent enough to honor his late wife's wishes, that's unfortunate. But the ring was given to your mother for you. It's not his to decide what go do with. If your Mom is worried about Upsetting him or anyone else she need only remind them it's what your Grandmother wanted - end of discussion. If they want to be angry, that's on them.
The issue with this is that legally, at least in the Wills I've read and my personal experience, is that OP doesn't actually have any protection from having theft charges filed against her if she gets the ring without the estate executor agreeing to it. If it wasn't SPECIFICALLY stated in her grandmother's Will that she got THAT SPECIFIC ring, it's not legally hers. It's legally either grandfather's or the executor's - likely the Will had a clause stating that if G-Pa was living, G-Ma's estate, kit and kaboodle, went to G-Pa until such time as G-Pa passed. (At least, every Will I've ever read states that, unless G-Pa wasn't living.)
Personal experience: My grandmother's Will said for my mother to get her car. Mom got the car no problem. My grandmother also told my mother that the fur coat was hers, but the will didn't have that information in it. Mom had to buy the fur from the estate before my spiteful witch of an aunt could get it, even though my Mema told her it was hers in a conversation with Mom and my uncles. The jewelry - which by all rights should have been my mother's in pretty much its entirety - wound up going mostly to the Witch.
Unfortunately over the past few years we've had to deal with this more than once. Both my fiancé and I have had someone close to us die, leaving behind a widow that was in some way or other, a "latecomer" to the family, with grown children that didn't grow up with the person we lost. Meaning, basically, that all of the family possessions went to them, and eventually would get passed onto their kids who really didn't know the importance of it. In one instance the death was sudden, and in another it wasn't- and in the second, there were family members demanding things before the person had passed away.
I've learned a lot from this. There is a lot of emotion attached to inanimate objects because they remind you of the person you've lost. But at the end of the day, it's best if you just let it go, at least for now. My FI was probably in the hardest position, and his philosophy was that everything belonged to his family members widow, and just because they hadn't been married very long didn't mean she didn't make him very happy or any less his widow. She asked my fiancé and his sister specifically if there was anything he wanted, which there was. However I think even if she had decided not to give him those things, he would have been hurt for a short time but gotten over it, because nothing was going to bring his family member back and in the end... It was just all stuff. I think the only thing I would have stood up and gone to bat for him over would be family pictures from before she was part of the family. Everything else was hers to do with what she wanted, even if that meant having a giant bonfire in the backyard.
I realize your situation is different but it seems like everyone's focus on who gets grandmothers jewelry seems to have backlashed on your grandfathers goodwill. I think if I were him, it might be very hurtful as well- it can be hard to be grieving in that situation and instead of people asking how you are, they are asking about some pair of earrings. It sounds like you didn't get along with him much, but remember he must have shown good judgement to marry such a wonderful lady! I would probably let this go, cherish your pictures and memories, and move on.
On that note, I realize most people here are younger than 30, but it's never too early to make a will if there's something that you have that you want to go to someone who isn't next-of-kin (like your FH). I don't have one right now because everything would go to my parents until I get married, and then my FH when I do- and both of those options are fine. I don't really have nice stuff and I figure they can divvy it or donate as they see fit without hurt feelings. The dogs are the only thing that we have all agreed will go to my FI in the event of my abrupt departure from this world, and the only people important enough to have a say-so (mom and dad) have already agreed to this.
Unfortunately over the past few years we've had to deal with this more than once. Both my fiancé and I have had someone close to us die, leaving behind a widow that was in some way or other, a "latecomer" to the family, with grown children that didn't grow up with the person we lost. Meaning, basically, that all of the family possessions went to them, and eventually would get passed onto their kids who really didn't know the importance of it. In one instance the death was sudden, and in another it wasn't- and in the second, there were family members demanding things before the person had passed away.
I've learned a lot from this. There is a lot of emotion attached to inanimate objects because they remind you of the person you've lost. But at the end of the day, it's best if you just let it go, at least for now. My FI was probably in the hardest position, and his philosophy was that everything belonged to his family members widow, and just because they hadn't been married very long didn't mean she didn't make him very happy or any less his widow. She asked my fiancé and his sister specifically if there was anything he wanted, which there was. However I think even if she had decided not to give him those things, he would have been hurt for a short time but gotten over it, because nothing was going to bring his family member back and in the end... It was just all stuff. I think the only thing I would have stood up and gone to bat for him over would be family pictures from before she was part of the family. Everything else was hers to do with what she wanted, even if that meant having a giant bonfire in the backyard.
I realize your situation is different but it seems like everyone's focus on who gets grandmothers jewelry seems to have backlashed on your grandfathers goodwill. I think if I were him, it might be very hurtful as well- it can be hard to be grieving in that situation and instead of people asking how you are, they are asking about some pair of earrings. It sounds like you didn't get along with him much, but remember he must have shown good judgement to marry such a wonderful lady! I would probably let this go, cherish your pictures and memories, and move on.
On that note, I realize most people here are younger than 30, but it's never too early to make a will if there's something that you have that you want to go to someone who isn't next-of-kin (like your FH). I don't have one right now because everything would go to my parents until I get married, and then my FH when I do- and both of those options are fine. I don't really have nice stuff and I figure they can divvy it or donate as they see fit without hurt feelings. The dogs are the only thing that we have all agreed will go to my FI in the event of my abrupt departure from this world, and the only people important enough to have a say-so (mom and dad) have already agreed to this.
Grandpa's been pretty ugly about the whole thing, even asking for items back that were given away more than 10 years ago, which my aunts and mom obliged. I did ask him in a sensitive way if I could wear the earrings on the day of the wedding, as a "something borrowed", but he would not humor me. I'm not going to nag the old man for anything, though it would have meant a lot to me to wear the (basically worthless gold-plated) earrings on the day of my wedding, and it would have really meant a lot to me if he had honored grandma's specific request that I have the ring for the wedding whether or not she was there for it. Everyone knew about that request, including him. She mentioned it many times.
I never actually asked him about the ring directly, but my mom did mention grandma's wishes once, a week prior to the wedding, and then dropped it. Mom and I both agree that it would be better to not have anything at all than to have something that was not given freely and with good will.
Re: ring inheritance squabble
It's not like you would keep the ring after that. Is he going to come to your wedding?
However, I will say this: don't let yourself get pushed over.
My mother died when I was 9. My dad had all my aunts come into the house and sort through her things, taking what they wanted. It was easier for him to get rid of it that way, he didn't have to deal with it, and it still got used. But in the scuffle, no one asked me about it.
So a few months later, I finally spoke up - my mother had a tacky silver compact mirror that I'd always thought was the most beautiful thing on the planet. I wanted to have it, and I asked for it. I remember my dad's face, and how shocked he was that in the mourning, and in the business of it all, the one heirloom I wanted of my mother's got swept away.
He called all the aunts, begging to find this thing. One of the aunts had it and shipped it back, I remember getting the manilla package and opening it. The compact slid out into my hands - it's a very vivid memory.
I'm going to be 27 this year, and I have that compact in my purse. I use it every day.
It may be really hard, but if there's one thing you really want to remember your loved ones, ask. You'll regret it later if you don't.
Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding!
I know that she did have a mother's ring, and it was passed to the oldest girl, and when she died, it would go to the next LIVING girl. I believe that my Aunt Margie had it when she died last year only because the oldest living sister was in the early stages of Alzheimer's. My mom is now the only living sister besides the aunt in DE.
If it happens that my mom get's it and something happens to her, I would expect to get it, not my oldest cousin. Then it would go to my sister or niece.
When my maternal grandmother died, a cousin claimed her body but not her purse as she did not want to get blamed if something was missing. Dad had to get a warrant just to get the burial policy out of her purse. At that time an inventory was done and one of the items was a diamond engagement ring. When my dad was finally able to get her purse in 1975, he wrote a letter saying what he had and would allow them to decide what they wanted.
There were only three girls - his brother had one, and then me and my sister. I got the ring and still have it. Mom wanted me to put it way but dad said no, I could with with it what. Then she wanted me to have it reset. Still won't.
I just hope that your grandfather will honor your grandmother's wishes and not play favorites....
I've learned a lot from this. There is a lot of emotion attached to inanimate objects because they remind you of the person you've lost. But at the end of the day, it's best if you just let it go, at least for now. My FI was probably in the hardest position, and his philosophy was that everything belonged to his family members widow, and just because they hadn't been married very long didn't mean she didn't make him very happy or any less his widow. She asked my fiancé and his sister specifically if there was anything he wanted, which there was. However I think even if she had decided not to give him those things, he would have been hurt for a short time but gotten over it, because nothing was going to bring his family member back and in the end... It was just all stuff. I think the only thing I would have stood up and gone to bat for him over would be family pictures from before she was part of the family. Everything else was hers to do with what she wanted, even if that meant having a giant bonfire in the backyard.
I realize your situation is different but it seems like everyone's focus on who gets grandmothers jewelry seems to have backlashed on your grandfathers goodwill. I think if I were him, it might be very hurtful as well- it can be hard to be grieving in that situation and instead of people asking how you are, they are asking about some pair of earrings. It sounds like you didn't get along with him much, but remember he must have shown good judgement to marry such a wonderful lady! I would probably let this go, cherish your pictures and memories, and move on.
On that note, I realize most people here are younger than 30, but it's never too early to make a will if there's something that you have that you want to go to someone who isn't next-of-kin (like your FH). I don't have one right now because everything would go to my parents until I get married, and then my FH when I do- and both of those options are fine. I don't really have nice stuff and I figure they can divvy it or donate as they see fit without hurt feelings. The dogs are the only thing that we have all agreed will go to my FI in the event of my abrupt departure from this world, and the only people important enough to have a say-so (mom and dad) have already agreed to this.
I never actually asked him about the ring directly, but my mom did mention grandma's wishes once, a week prior to the wedding, and then dropped it. Mom and I both agree that it would be better to not have anything at all than to have something that was not given freely and with good will.