How to politely tell people they are not invited to the wedding?

LadyMorvenMacBeth

I'm having a fairly small wedding (just over 50 people) so a lot of people I know, and are friends with are not invited. But a lot of people are assuming they are. It's not like I've brought up my wedding to them, they've just assumed they are being invited. The only people I've told when they mentioned were friends who thought they were in the Wedding Party, so I kind of had to tell them, and they both said they would pay for their plate, and I felt horrible telling them they still aren't going to be invited.

What's the best way to tell people they aren't invited to my wedding, under any circumstances, without seeming horrible?

AprilH81

It sounds like you already know that you should only offer this response to those who point blank ask you and you can't bean dip.

"We are having a small wedding and unfortunately can't invite everyone we would have liked to have celebrate with us."

Don't use money as an excuse because you already know that it doesn't work well because people can offer money to "cover their plate".

thisismynickname2

Bean dip! 

HisGirlFriday13

'I'm sorry; we're having a very small, close-friends and family-only wedding. What did you think of the latest season of 'Downton Abbey?'

Inkdancer

"I am so sorry, but we were unable to invite everyone we wanted to invite." Don't try to give reasons because people will find a way around that.

Amyzen83

We are having an uber small wedding that's almost all family and we were unable to invite everyone that we would have liked.

Amyzen83

You could always say " we are thinking of having a destination wedding in timbucktoo where the flights will cost a bajillion dollars and we will be staying in these tiny little huts. Oh and there are no bathrooms so you'll have to go into the jungle and there's no TP so you have to use either your own hand or a leaf but make sure there are no poisonous bugs on it. You may just want to use your hand rather than taking any chances. We think it would be fun for our friends and family to share in the primitive experience." Hopefully that will be enough to scare them off.

phira

Definitely agree that any reasons can be waved away, so just go with, "We aren't able to invite everyone we'd like to." If people keep pestering you? Call them on it. "I understand that you'd really like to come, and like I said, it's definitely a matter of just not being able to invite everyone we want to invite. Please stop asking me about it; it's making me really uncomfortable."

kitsunegari89

I second politely telling them that you just couldn't invite as many people as you'd like and then change the subject. It's awkward. It's so awkward that my wedding has gone from 50 people a year ago to the current ballpark of 150.

Good luck.

Jen4948

Either bean dip them or tell them, "Unfortunately, it wasn't possible for us to invite everyone we would have liked to."  And if that doesn't get them to drop it, tell them, "I'm very sorry for your disappointment.  We're disappointed too that it isn't possible for us to invite everyone we would have liked to.  That said, we'd appreciate not being asked about it any more."

AlexisA01

You do what my friend did and announce it on Facebook

Just kidding but that is what my friend did about two weeks ago. The other PPs are right, try to bean dip or telling them you weren't able to invite everyone to the wedding that would have liked to.

tammym1001

We are having 35 people at our wedding. I have had a ton of people ask me about it and assume they are invited though. My response has just been "we are having a really small wedding, mostly just immediate family". I've had people argue with me or try to figure out how to get invited, but you just have to stand your ground on that. They are being rude by asking in the first place.

CamiSelene

I have a similar problem except we're not particularly having a small wedding. We just have some family with very bad blood that are not invited under any circumstances. I have yet you be asked if x and y are invited but am dreading how to respond if I do get asked, as well as how to handle it if other family just add them to the rsvp even though they were not directly invited (one of these people is an uncle's step-daughter who is in her 20's and her 3 small children. We specifically addressed the invitation to him, his wife, and their other daughter who lives is 13 and living with them).

DawnMarie+Bride

We are actually in a very similar situation. My fiancé has a very large family and it just isn't probable to invite everyone. What we've chosen to do is have our wedding guest list consist of family and very close friends. The day after, however, we are going to have a get-together in our backyard with everyone that we weren't able to invite, just something very casual. We won't be providing a meal, just a location if anyone would like to celebrate our marriage.

MarMaretti

Okay I'm new to these, and I agree with all the answers you got (I'm having the same problem) but I have to ask a question - what does "bean dip" mean in this context?? I have to know

EmD88

This is actually a great idea. If the people really want to there for you (not just the wedding event; I hate to say it but I do know some people who want to go because it is a wedding) then they will be happy they will have a chance to celebrate.

ShaynaHinz

I am having the same issue, friends who assume they will be invited. These friends, or "friends" as I should call them, are acquaintances who I would like to remove from my life, before my wedding, if possible. I just don't consider them to be healthy relationships that I want to continue in my future. But we've been "friends" for years, spent special events/birthdays together, so it's hard to have that talk. So far, I've avoided it, by explaining that we're having a super small ceremony (40 people), and that it's mostly family. That has kept them from asking, so far! I would avoid at all cost, saying anything like "only close friends", because a lot of people consider themselves a close friend to you, especially the ones, it seems, that you aren't going to invite. LOL!
Also, I'm inviting my aunt, and her son, but not his sister, just because I am closer to one than the other. So all kinds of fun awkward conversations for the future! Hooray :P and Goodluck!

lisaer

I'm in a similar situation to ShaynaHinz in that I have a group of friends that I've known since high school, and we all attended one of the girls' weddings two years ago. However, I haven't spoken to many of them since then, and several didn't even respond when I messaged them personally about my engagement. I'm wanting to invite the one or two with whom I do speak sometimes, but it feels really awkward leaving the other five or six off the guest list (including the one whose wedding I attended).

Should I tell the women I am inviting that the other members of this group will unfortunately not be invited to the wedding or should I keep quiet and allow them to figure it out for themselves when the invitations come in?

Jen4948

MarMaretti said:

Okay I'm new to these, and I agree with all the answers you got (I'm having the same problem) but I have to ask a question - what does "bean dip" mean in this context?? I have to know

"Bean dipping" is a term for changing the subject, as in:

A: I hope you'll invite me to your wedding!

B: Won't you try some bean dip?

A: It's really important to me that you send me an invitation!

B: This bean dip is really good!

And so on.

a13049

lisaer said:

I'm in a similar situation to ShaynaHinz in that I have a group of friends that I've known since high school, and we all attended one of the girls' weddings two years ago. However, I haven't spoken to many of them since then, and several didn't even respond when I messaged them personally about my engagement. I'm wanting to invite the one or two with whom I do speak sometimes, but it feels really awkward leaving the other five or six off the guest list (including the one whose wedding I attended).

Should I tell the women I am inviting that the other members of this group will unfortunately not be invited to the wedding or should I keep quiet and allow them to figure it out for themselves when the invitations come in?

Personally, I wouldn't mention it to others.  Even if you don't mean to, it can come off as rude and catty.  You only need to discuss their invitation with them, not people who are not invited

stategirl85

I am having the same issue! I am wondering if I face it head on and reach out and tell them they aren't invited or do I want until they reach out to me? The people in question are two of my old bosses, I have since left the job (about a year and a half ago) but have still stayed in contact with my one boss, off and on through email only. Problem is I have invited some friends from my old job, just not my old bosses (I need to keep the wedding small, our venue only holds 96) and I've heard through the grapevine that there has been talk between my bosses wondering if they will get invited. My boss has asked me about wedding planning in an email but I have just avoided that topic. I am torn as to whether I face this head on and make the awkward phone call and explain our situation (and also tell them I am not inviting anyone from my new work either) or if I want until they ask me if they are invited.... 

kellykuz

If you feel the need to provide an explanation (as we often feel that "no" isn't a sufficient answer for many people), you could mention that you have a small venue.  If your venue only allows for 50 people, then it doesn't matter if people want to pay for their own plates or desperately want to be there.  You literally can't invite any more people, because there is no space for them.

I suppose I would say something along the lines of: "I hope you know that just because I can't invite you to my wedding for space reasons doesn't mean that I don't value our friendship.  I know that you'll be there in spirit and that means a lot to me.  Maybe we can hang out after I get back from my honeymoon?"

jenuine75

I am having this same problem. I appreciate everyone's input on here. It's very helpful. We are working with a limited budget and our caterer just quoted us about $9,000 for 100 people so I think we need to cut down the guest list just a bit! But I work with a lot of people and everyone thinks they are invited. My boss even asked me "am I going to be invited?" I was like "uhhhh........" She totally put me on the spot and it was so awkward! I read somewhere that you don't invite people if you wouldn't buy them dinner, or if you don't hang out with them outside of work....and I know 90% of them probably wouldnt invite me to their wedding so......but yes! it does make it hard when everyone assumes they are invited. Why can't we charge a cover at the door for our wedding? LOL We are paying for all these people to share in our day and eat with us. LOL jk

a13049

TBH, my ettiquette is really starting to go out the door when it comes to people inviting themselves to my wedding.  I have been bitching and moaning to FI about it for months.  I am not bringing up my weddingto anyone not invited, and if it has come up I just tell them we have already sent out save the dates to our guest, we are keeping it small and simple. I'm kind of tired of tip toeing around this situation IRL. I had my aunt, wanting to pay me to cover the cost of her two friends and another friend that asked if his parents could come becuase they really love FI and I.  I just flat out told them no. 

laurajasmine

I am having a related issue...how to tell people that they do not get a plus one. We are inviting significant others who we know, but it just isn't feasible for us to give plus ones to all of our friends. Several are assuming they get one.

buddwedding

CamiSelene said:

I have a similar problem except we're not particularly having a small wedding. We just have some family with very bad blood that are not invited under any circumstances. I have yet you be asked if x and y are invited but am dreading how to respond if I do get asked, as well as how to handle it if other family just add them to the rsvp even though they were not directly invited (one of these people is an uncle's step-daughter who is in her 20's and her 3 small children. We specifically addressed the invitation to him, his wife, and their other daughter who lives is 13 and living with them).

Unless you state that someone can bring a 'plus one', I don't think anyone would bring someone not specifically listed on the invite. That would be incredibly rude.

If you are still nervous though, maybe you could have a casual conversation with them after the RSVPs have come back and do a little subtle digging.

Last resort, do you have a wedding planner, or a trusted (large) friend that can turn them away at the door?

princessjessixo

I am in the same boat. We are 105 people, and we made the decision to allow plus ones for our friends who aren't in relationships because there are a lot of couples coming. However it has been made verbally clear that if they do not know us the plus one will not be welcome. We have a large group of friends, and a lot of family coming.
My issue isn't the plus ones I don't know, it's the people who assumed they were invited, or that have begged to come, and that are now trying to convince other friends of ours to bring them. It's getting out of hand. I'm ready to tear up my envelopes for invites and write them all out by hand, without guests.
I am out of ideas as to how to solve this too

atindall1

I have the same situation and then some. Our wedding is going to be about 40 people.  Parents, siblings, and BFFs for our maids and groomsmen, and that's it.  No extended family, and no additional friends.  That said, I'm getting crunched not only by friends assuming they can go, but by the extended family too.  We've deflected most of it, but it gets worse by the week.  I don't talk to people about it anymore.  It's actually kind of depressing that you can't even share your news with people for fear that you'll be harassed about it forever after. 

CamiSelene

buddwedding said:

show previous quotes

CamiSelene said:

I have a similar problem except we're not particularly having a small wedding. We just have some family with very bad blood that are not invited under any circumstances. I have yet you be asked if x and y are invited but am dreading how to respond if I do get asked, as well as how to handle it if other family just add them to the rsvp even though they were not directly invited (one of these people is an uncle's step-daughter who is in her 20's and her 3 small children. We specifically addressed the invitation to him, his wife, and their other daughter who lives is 13 and living with them).

Unless you state that someone can bring a 'plus one', I don't think anyone would bring someone not specifically listed on the invite. That would be incredibly rude.

If you are still nervous though, maybe you could have a casual conversation with them after the RSVPs have come back and do a little subtle digging.

Last resort, do you have a wedding planner, or a trusted (large) friend that can turn them away at the door?

Unfortunately, @buddwedding, my father's family is not necessarily the most "polite" bunch in terms of etiquette. FI and I have already had 2 people "add-on", one of which was okay because it was a cousin who apparently started dating someone a couple months ago that we were not made aware of. We don't have a wedding planner but I have a couple friends that said they're willing to turn certain people away if they show (FI said he would too). I still have yet to hear from the uncle though, he's mentioned the wedding a couple times but has yet to bring up his step-daughter not being invited or if they are planning on coming, even. So we shall see!

laurahubb

My close friend didn't have a plus one on her invite because she's going to know almost everyone there and has only been with her boyfriend a month or so, so my etiquette googling and checking with friends tells me that was okay to not give her one.

She's being EXTREMELY pushy: I've tried everything...small venue...money...wanting time to celebrate with her...etc. etc. She won't even get ready the day of with us anymore because she wants to spend time with him. 

Her last message was even "well we'll see when RSVPs are in when there's room."

There may be room, yes, but we don't want a stranger when we had close friends we couldn't even invite due to size/money, and when I'm insulted I'm clearly not as important as the new beau. 

Help!

Inkdancer

laurahubb said:

My close friend didn't have a plus one on her invite because she's going to know almost everyone there and has only been with her boyfriend a month or so, so my etiquette googling and checking with friends tells me that was okay to not give her one.

She's being EXTREMELY pushy: I've tried everything...small venue...money...wanting time to celebrate with her...etc. etc. She won't even get ready the day of with us anymore because she wants to spend time with him. 

Her last message was even "well we'll see when RSVPs are in when there's room."

There may be room, yes, but we don't want a stranger when we had close friends we couldn't even invite due to size/money, and when I'm insulted I'm clearly not as important as the new beau. 

Help!

If she was with the boyfriend when the invites went out, you should have included him. Since RSVPs aren't back yet, I'm going to guess that they were together, in which case she's right to be pushy about this. You don't get to decide whether they are serious or not. Why would it even matter that he's a stranger? There will probably be plenty of people from my FI's extended family who I've never met, and I'm not pitching a fit because they matter to him. This new guy matters to your friend, and that should be enough to get him an invite.