Throwing a Bridal Shower?

artbyallie

It's not a case of 'may or may not bring gifts' though. A 'shower' is by definition a gift-giving event. Period, full stop, end of story. We have said repeatedly that you can throw a party. You cannot call it a shower because then people will feel obligated to bring a gift. Don't be obtuse. You knew this was not okay from the beginning because you came here to ask about it.

AroundTheBlock

dannymaymorris said:

... even if I had a wedding shower it would be very unlikely that I would be "showered with gifts" - we are the type of people who "shower" each other with our presence and support.

This actually sounds lovely -- presence and support are far more to be valued than tea-towels and potato peelers, although one certainly needs those things as well :-). I have noticed that the meaning of "shower" is shifting in common use, and I do hear people talking about "no gift" showers -- not often, but enough to have noticed. Of course, the problem with words that are changing meaning is that you cannot be sure which meaning other people will attach to them.

A lot depends on how many people, and which people, you are inviting. You've mentioned the "expense" of hosting a number of times. My preferred form of shower is your best friends gathered together in someone's parlour -- or rumpus room, or great room, or apartment building party room -- on some Saturday afternoon, eating squares and chips and drinking tea. That's maybe twenty or thirty people. I have never had a mimosa: I must make a point of trying one next time I am out somewhere that offers them. I am guessing mimosas are more expensive than single-estate Darjeeling, but they cannot be that much more expensive. What sort of venue, catering, and guestlist are normal for showers in your circle -- something more elaborate than what I have described?

dannymaymorris said:

...
My grandmother and my older sister offered, neither of which have the financial means and I know it would put them in a tight place and I simply refuse to put them in that situation - I declined their offers only to be sharply criticized later when I said I would put it on myself. ...

Another common etiquette mistake, is to equate "hosting" with "paying". I am rigidly traditional enough to think that close relatives like grandmothers and sisters should not be hosting showers, unless the only people being invited are equally close relatives -- but I may well be in the minority on that subject. Assuming that whoever sharply criticized you are of the school of thought that grandmothers and sisters are acceptable shower hostesses, you can quite acceptably say "Oh, thank-you Granny! It is so generous of you to go to all that effort for me! Let me at least help you out with the financial cost so that you don't have that worry." You provide her with the cash as a completely separate transaction, and then let her and your sister take all the organizing responsibility and keep your money matters strictly between the two of you (as etiquette requires: money is never discussed in polite company.)

...I plan my own birthday parties because I enjoy being around family and friends on my birthday - and I can't possibly understand how providing food and drink for others on MY birthday could ever be considered as feeling I am entitled. 

I don't understand that part, either. There are some things done at birthdays that you should not do as hostess -- instigating the singing of Happy Birthday, for example; or making sure that the Birthday Girl gets the first slice of cake. You can do that when you throw parties for someone else since you are honouring them. But when you throw a party on your own birthday you are, as your words clearly show above, throwing the party for your friends and not for your self. So you can instigate the singing of something along the lines of "For you're all jolly good fellows..." but not "Happy Birthday to Me". Not that that is a big deal, since someone else is certain to start Happy Birthday fairly spontaneously, and almost certainly off key. The point is that you are bringing people together and building community, and that you can certainly do that -- and I expect that you DO do that --without seeming to want to honour yourself.

MGP

dannymaymorris said:

I never said no-one offered to throw me a shower. My grandmother and my older sister offered, neither of which have the financial means and I know it would put them in a tight place and I simply refuse to put them in that situation - I declined their offers only to be sharply criticized later when I said I would put it on myself. (Obviously, I had no idea of the "etiquette" surrounding bridal showers.)

Oh so now the truth comes out!  Believe me I am all for not putting someone in an uncomfortable financial position, but the way you handled this was incredibly assumptive and hurtful.  

First of all, you assumed that your sister and grandmother either 1) couldn't afford a shower, period or 2) couldn't afford the shower YOU think you deserve.  I am leaning towards the latter.  Maybe your grandmother always planned on giving you a shower and has saved appropriately for it.  Maybe your sister was going to host a nice shower for you and not give you a wedding gift.  You don't know.  Give people a little bit of credit, I seriously doubt they offered to host something they couldn't handle.

Second, if you just declined and left it at that none of this would have been an issue.  However then saying you will just handle it yourself says to those who offered "I am assuming what you are planning won't be good enough for me so I would rather just do it myself".  That's incredibly rude and patronizing.

Third, there is no such thing as a "no gifts shower".  That's called a party.  I would NEVER, EVER attend a "no gifts shower" without a gift.  Why?  Because even if the invitation said so I don't want to be the one a-hole to show up without a gift.  Stating "no gifts" is very shady to me, it's like a backhanded request/guest guilt trip for gifts.

So yes,  if I was in your family's position and offered you the NOT NECESSARY and GRACIOUS OFFER of a shower and was then treated like that I would be very hurt and would have "harshly criticized" you as well.  Can I ask how old you are?  Sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do.

themuffinman16

    I am in the same boat, OP. My twin sister's husband has lost his job and is just getting back on his feet with a new job. My sis is a stay at home mom.  I was almost adamant about not having a shower at all, until I knew how upset it made my sister.  She wanted to do something nice for me.  I have told her she can host a shower, but to keep it really small. 

     My contribution to the party will be to help my sister clean before and after the party (she will also be 7 months pregnant by the time of the shower.) I do not want shower games and I told her that I don't care at all about decorations, and to scale back on that, because it isn't a big deal. I am trying to make this budget friendly for her.  I am, also, making the pitchers of bloody mary mix for the party (don't think my pregnant sister wants to be the taste tester. Lol). As long as I am free to accept my guests, and then chip in with the cleaning once the last guest left, I don't think I will be stepping on any toes. A party does not necessarily mean a lot of money.

    I, also, kept the guest list to just my side and his family is throwing a separate shower for me. A party for 20 people is a lot more affordable than a party for both families of 60.  A party for 20 can be done in someone's home rather than a venue ($). My step-mom and my aunt are chipping in for the party, to help my sister out, financially. I am sure your sister and grandma would not throw a party for you if they couldn't afford it, and they could also be getting help from other people. 

     When your hosts ask you what you would like (bbq chicken or brunch... know that brunch is cheaper).  Also, brunch limits the amount people like to drink, making it much cheaper than a BBQ. When they ask for your advice, on a theme, just say... I just want to see my friends and family and decorations aren't a big deal. This will let them know having $30 in decorations is the last thing on your mind and they can save their money on that and put it towards the food and alcohol. My sister and I are usually the ones who take care of our family.  I am sure it would mean a lot to your grandmother and sister if they could have an occasion to show you how thankful they are for all you have done for them.

antoto

I encourage OP and anyone who isn't sure if a shower is necessarily a gift giving event to go look up the definition of a bridal shower.  It is pretty much the only event where a gift is absolutely required and the activities of the shower pretty much center around the opening of said gifts.

I was recently one of my friends' MOH.  I wanted to throw her a shower, but she didn't want anyone to give her a gift so I threw her a bridal luncheon instead.  This way everyone got together, had yummy food and beverages, and there were absolutely no gifts involved.  It was a blast.

I tell you this story to underscore that you can have different activities that are not gift grabby.  

Please don't throw YOURSELF a shower.  Just... yikes. 

classyduck

dannymaymorris said:

All of you people are incredibly judgmental! You should be ashamed of yourselves. My MOH can't throw my shower because she lives very far away along with one of my bridesmaids - my remaining bridesmaids I would never expect to do it because one is my 15 yr old sister and the other is a friend with three kids (she has more important things to do with her money). I would NEVER want someone to throw a party for me, I don't understand why it's okay for someone to spend money to throw me a party but it's not okay for me to throw a party in which people may or may not bring gifts. Additionally I come from a family that doesn't traditionally give gifts for any occasion - even if I had a wedding shower it would be very unlikely that I would be "showered with gifts" - we are the type of people who "shower" each other with our presence and support. I plan my own birthday parties because I enjoy being around family and friends on my birthday - and I can't possibly understand how providing food and drink for others on MY birthday could ever be considered as feeling I am entitled. And assuming that I only throw my own birthday parties is ridiculous. I throw my mother's birthday party every year, along with my nephew's. I have thrown parties for my friends as well. Saying that I wouldn't have a party if I didn't plan it myself speaks to the fact that most of the people who would throw me a party simply could not afford it, and I would never expect them to pay for something like that. I would like to add, that I never said no-one offered to throw me a shower. My grandmother and my older sister offered, neither of which have the financial means and I know it would put them in a tight place and I simply refuse to put them in that situation - I declined their offers only to be sharply criticized later when I said I would put it on myself. (Obviously, I had no idea of the "etiquette" surrounding bridal showers.) I would also like to add that I recently attended a bridal shower - I was under every impression that the bride was throwing and funding it herself. At no point in time did I consider her "gift-grabby" or "entitled" - I was simply happy to be there for her and spend time with her. Some guests brought gifts and some did not - I don't feel that anyone felt obligated and I never got the impression that she expected gifts either.

Now you're just being obtuse. Several PP's have tried to tell you in this thread that it IS ok to throw a party and not expect gifts. Hospitality is never rude.

However, your original post was specifically about a shower, a party at which gifts ARE expected. Don't pretend like we are advising you about something else.

thisismynickname2

dannymaymorris said:

I've always planned my own birthday party, if I didn't I would never have one. I think it's entirely rude to ask someone to spend their money to throw a party for you.
And, actually, a "shower" is VERY similar to a wedding: it's a party to celebrate a marriage (as is a reception) in which the guests are provided with food, drinks and a fun time (as in a reception).
Why does it matter who pays for it? And additionally, who is even going to know who paid for it? It's not like guests go walking around a party asking who funded it.

Why do you need more than one party to celebrate your marriage?

This is why I am Team Anti-Shower, period. Get married, have a reception, move on with life.

ScoutF

Just shoot your friends a text- "Mimosas and board games at my house Friday night. You in?"

Win, win.

MGP

FormerCajun said:

Just shoot your friends a text- "Mimosas and board games at my house Friday night. You in?" Win, win.

Because she can't throw a "wedding" or "shower" label on it to encourage gift giving.

thesummersky

thisismynickname said:

I've always planned my own birthday party, if I didn't I would never have one. I think it's entirely rude to ask someone to spend their money to throw a party for you. And, actually, a "shower" is VERY similar to a wedding: it's a party to celebrate a marriage (as is a reception) in which the guests are provided with food, drinks and a fun time (as in a reception). Why does it matter who pays for it? And additionally, who is even going to know who paid for it? It's not like guests go walking around a party asking who funded it.

Why do you need more than one party to celebrate your marriage? This is why I am Team Anti-Shower, period. Get married, have a reception, move on with life.

@thisismynickname I know what you mean. The idea of having people spend money and time to plan a party with the purpose of just giving me gifts sounds excessive. 

OP, please don't be offended by these responses. They all come from the loving place of strangers who have no reason to wish ill will on you! We're all on here either to learn or teach, to ensure all weddings are the best they can be. So please also consider the following words from a stranger who wishes well for you!

I can completely understand what you mean by saying you just want to have fun with your friends. So do that! If it's not a 'pre-wedding' event, you can invite whoever you want and can afford. Serve some food, mix some drinks, play some games. It will take all pressure off of you for fear of being a rude host, and those that love you will be happy to attend. You don't need a specific reason to have a good time! 

Please, please please do not throw yourself a bridal shower. Even if you don't think it's offensive, others can (and most likely will) take it as such, even if they don't say so. And I'm sure you want to keep strong relationships with your loved ones. I also urge you to consider apologizing to your sister and grandmother for any possible hurt feelings regarding their offers to host a bridal shower for you. Not in attempt to still have a bridal shower thrown for you, but because you love them and because it's the right thing to do.

I wish you nothing but happiness in your engagement and marriage!

ScoutF

MGP said:

FormerCajun said:

Just shoot your friends a text- "Mimosas and board games at my house Friday night. You in?"

Win, win.

Because she can't throw a "wedding" or "shower" label on it to encourage gift giving.

Where were those words mentioned in my reply? I suggested inviting people over for boards games and drinks. The word wedding was never mentioned for that particular reason.

Edited: quote boxes suck on mobile.

MGP

FormerCajun said:

FormerCajun said:

Just shoot your friends a text- "Mimosas and board games at my house Friday night. You in?" Win, win.

Because she can't throw a "wedding" or "shower" label on it to encourage gift giving.

Where were those words mentioned in my reply? I suggested inviting people over for boards games and drinks. The word wedding was never mentioned for that particular reason.

Edited: quote boxes suck on mobile.

Sorry my sarcasm didn't come across as planned.    I also read that as "why can't you just text your friends. . . ." so I replied with why the OP (who seems to have vanished) would probably turn down your idea.  It's obvious she wants a wedding related event and doesn't understand that a "no gifts shower" isn't possible.

Yes, I absolutely agree with your idea.  Win-win.

kitsunegari89

My bridesmaids are all broke and in their twenties, living in apartments, so they enlisted the help of my mother to throw the bridal shower. I guess it's cheating a little bit, though I had nothing to do with the planning and execution of the shower, and my BMs did decorate and cook and write the invites. It would have looked tacky for me to throw it myself, and I was prepared to go without if nobody stepped up. Sad as it would have been.

thisismynickname2

You know what else bothers me about this thread, on top of my previous comment?  The fact that OP turned down offers from people who she perceives don't have the money to spend on the party.

I interpret that to not only mean this chick wants a shower to be "me me me" before her wedding, since regular parties apparently aren't good enough, but that it also has to be good enough for her, from herself (with money) or maybe others (with money).

It doesn't take much money to throw a shower! My parents and I have now thrown two showers for my lifelong best friend (first her wedding, then her first baby), and we had them at my parents' house, with perhaps $50 worth of cold cuts, salads, homemade cake and extra alcohol.   I guess this isn't good enough for the OP and I should apologize to my friend for such low-budget events (sarcasm). 

ScoutF

Sorry @MGP! I get what you were saying now.

gaiku2

so here's my 2 cents..  I'm with you Dannymaymorris.  my FH & I are eloping & having a casual reception on our return. Yes I called it a reception & no I don't care who doesn't like it.
I would still like to get together with my girls prior to the wedding and kick it, and yes it will be my shower. I don't want gifts.. I have everything I need and if I want something I buy it.
Dannymaymorris... if you want to throw your bridalshower yourself and call it a bridalshower.. DO IT! You can put on the invites that you want them to come  without gifts. Some people might still bring some.. and that's cool.. whateve..but it's your wedding so make it happen.

ScoutF

gaiku2 said:

so here's my 2 cents..  I'm with you Dannymaymorris.  my FH & I are eloping & having a casual reception on our return. Yes I called it a reception & no I don't care who doesn't like it.
I would still like to get together with my girls prior to the wedding and kick it, and yes it will be my shower. I don't want gifts.. I have everything I need and if I want something I buy it.
Dannymaymorris... if you want to throw your bridalshower yourself and call it a bridalshower.. DO IT! You can put on the invites that you want them to come  without gifts. Some people might still bring some.. and that's cool.. whateve..but it's your wedding so make it happen.

thisismynickname2

gaiku2 said:

so here's my 2 cents..  I'm with you Dannymaymorris.  my FH & I are eloping & having a casual reception on our return. Yes I called it a reception & no I don't care who doesn't like it.
I would still like to get together with my girls prior to the wedding and kick it, and yes it will be my shower. I don't want gifts.. I have everything I need and if I want something I buy it.
Dannymaymorris... if you want to throw your bridalshower yourself and call it a bridalshower.. DO IT! You can put on the invites that you want them to come  without gifts. Some people might still bring some.. and that's cool.. whateve..but it's your wedding so make it happen.

Ok.... This says, "You're not important enough to watch me say vows to my fiance, but come honor me before I go anyway.  ARGGG.  Just don't call it a shower!!!  Buy some wine, cheese, chocolate and have your friends over for a girls' night like a normal person.  

misshart00

thisismynickname said:

gaiku2 said:

so here's my 2 cents..  I'm with you Dannymaymorris.  my FH & I are eloping & having a casual reception on our return. Yes I called it a reception & no I don't care who doesn't like it.
I would still like to get together with my girls prior to the wedding and kick it, and yes it will be my shower. I don't want gifts.. I have everything I need and if I want something I buy it.
Dannymaymorris... if you want to throw your bridalshower yourself and call it a bridalshower.. DO IT! You can put on the invites that you want them to come  without gifts. Some people might still bring some.. and that's cool.. whateve..but it's your wedding so make it happen.

Ok.... This says, "You're not important enough to watch me say vows to my fiance, but come honor me before I go anyway.  ARGGG.  Just don't call it a shower!!!  Buy some wine, cheese, chocolate and have your friends over for a girls' night like a normal person.  

But then how will you guilt people into bringing gifts?

LondonLisa

gaiku2 said:

so here's my 2 cents..  I'm with you Dannymaymorris.  my FH & I are eloping & having a casual reception on our return. Yes I called it a reception & no I don't care who doesn't like it.
I would still like to get together with my girls prior to the wedding and kick it, and yes it will be my shower. I don't want gifts.. I have everything I need and if I want something I buy it.
Dannymaymorris... if you want to throw your bridalshower yourself and call it a bridalshower.. DO IT! You can put on the invites that you want them to come  without gifts. Some people might still bring some.. and that's cool.. whateve..but it's your wedding so make it happen.

I really don't understand how some people can be so dense. A party that isn't about giving gifts is by definition NOT a shower.  Why do you insist on calling it a shower if it is just a party?

I love Christmas. I love having my friends over. But I'm not going to merge the two and invite my friends over for a Christmas morning party in August because I feel entitled to it. It is utterly bizarre and everyone would assume that I was soliciting gifts because of the connotation of "Christmas Morning".

What would be polite is inviting my friends over for a well hosted PARTY.  One can always throw a party in honour of their friends. Then they under no pressure to bring gifts.

Or is it the fact that you want gifts and want to be the centre of attention? Is that the real reason why you insist on calling it a shower instead of a party? If so, I have to wonder if you are old enough to get married because that is the mentality of a 7 year old, not an adult woman.

Amyzen83

gaiku2 said:

so here's my 2 cents..  I'm with you Dannymaymorris.  my FH & I are eloping & having a casual reception on our return. Yes I called it a reception & no I don't care who doesn't like it.
I would still like to get together with my girls prior to the wedding and kick it, and yes it will be my shower. I don't want gifts.. I have everything I need and if I want something I buy it.
Dannymaymorris... if you want to throw your bridalshower yourself and call it a bridalshower.. DO IT! You can put on the invites that you want them to come  without gifts. Some people might still bring some.. and that's cool.. whateve..but it's your wedding so make it happen.

Ummmm... This is an ettiquet board... The purpose is to give advice so the bride Will not get talked shit about and will still have friends AFTER the wedding

gaiku2

So it is Amyzen83, I do realize that. Honestly if  people are talking shit about the bride after the wedding, then I don't need them in my life.   again, my 2 cents

emmaaa

Wow, where do these people come from? My mother would be ashamed if I acted that entitled.

banana468

So if you're rude to people you don't want others to be pissed off about it?? Do you only hang out with people that have low self esteem?

gaiku2

I'm sorry the mentality of a 7 year old because I disagree with you really? That's nice. I don't really care what you call it.   The point was that this woman is being berated because she wants to throw herself a party, but  it "can't be related to her wedding"  Really?   If I threw a party right now just out of the blue people are going to assume it's wedding related.

So sorry you feel the need to insult to make your point. good luck to you in your future endeavors, but I don't need to fight with you.

ScoutF

You can't throw yourself a shower. Period. Just invite your friends over to hang out. Don't make a big deal about it and don't send invitations, especially not ones that say not to bring a gift. 

emmaaa

You can have a get together with your friends, while you're engaged, without them assuming it is wedding related. You know how I know this? My FI and I did that last weekend. And guess what? No one assumed it was wedding related or brought gifts. Imagine that.

gaiku2

misshart & thisismynickname I have no intention of guilting anyone into bringing me gifts. Frankly I don't want  anyone to bring me any gifts at all.. for anything. I have what I need and  I'll buy what I want..everyone that  knows and loves me understands that.

as far as not being important enough.. I lost my dad 2 years ago and  again the people that know and love  me understand that the idea of having a traditional wedding would be too sad. His dream was to walk me down the isle and because I waited so long to get married, I let him down. So the idea of standing in front of my friends and family without my dad there.. is more painful than I can bare.

Frankly I could care less what you call the gathering.. if she wants to call it a shower it is within her right to do so. So what... there are more important things in life to be stressed out about what you call a party

crunchymamaof2

gaiku2 said:

So it is Amyzen83, I do realize that. Honestly if  people are talking shit about the bride after the wedding, then I don't need them in my life.   again, my 2 cents

Well since you obviously don't care about your friends' feelings and offending those that care about you why don't you just invite everyone on your Facebook friends list to come to your consolation reception and selfish shower? Don't forget to sell tickets to both and plaster your honey fund everywhere they can see it. Mine as well milk everyone you know since you don't care if you keep the relationships with them. Because how horrible must they be to actually feel hurt or offended by something you did?! You're a Bride after all! So of course you're entitled to all these things. *eye roll*

Guys I have a serious question- do people actually marry for love anymore? Because lately it sure feels like they only want the gifts and attention they associate with weddings.

rmueller89

dannymaymorris said:

Let me see if I have this correct, a bride cannot throw her own bridal shower, nor can she ask someone else to throw it for her? Am I the only bride out there that thinks these "rules" are total crap? I keep hearing "a bridal shower is not a right" and "if no-one offers then you just go without". Maybe I'm a narcissist, but I want one! And I do feel entitled to one! Why would it be so bad for me to throw my own? Because I'll look "gift-grabby"? How is it any different than having a wedding? You pay for a party and some people bring gifts. (It's also the same as throwing a birthday party for yourself.) I understand that there is etiquette, but is it really THAT bad if I throw my own shower? And really, I'm not concerned about gifts - I just want to play the ridiculous party games with my fiancé (Jack and Jill Wedding Shower) and drink mimosas.

If you just want to play games & drink mimosas, it's called an engagement party- which again, you shouldn't host yourself. Sorry if no one is offering to throw this for you, but it sounds like you're going to have to go without. I never planned my own shower nor would I even CONSIDER the idea. I really encourage you to not do this. It's tacky & really not the "proper" way to do things.