Rehearsal Dinner Out of Control

Sugargirl1019

Y'all, I just saw on FB someone posted asking for suggestions for a RD venue. Okay cool, fine.

For 80-100 people.

Like, what??? That's a freaking wedding reception not a rehearsal dinner!

I was kinda shocked that while I only gave 12 names to my FMIL for the RD, 42 guests are apparently invited...... All her aunts/uncles/cousins... 42 was a lot to me but whatev it's her party.

But 80-100??? How many did you have at your RD or are estimating will be there, and what state are you in?

mschristie123

Ummmmmm... That shit cray. Were at 25-30 with wedding party and S/O's and readers. Who the heck are you inviting that adds up to 80-100 people?! That's how my family does things in the Midwest

lyndausvi

We had 100+ guests.  We got married in a small resort town in south New Jersey which was OOT for 100%.  We wanted to have as much time as we could with our guests. 

No regrets.

Sugargirl1019

@lyndausvi I can understand your situation. Sorry if my post insulted you.

This girl I know lives in the city that she is getting married in.. I mean, all of my family guests are OOT but we are not inviting them just because their flights won't get in early enough (we are actually doing a rehearsal luncheon).

lyndausvi

Do all her guests live in the city though?  

I don't get why you think it's a problem.  Who cares if she wants to host 2 parties within 2 nights?

Sugargirl1019

I think I was just surprised because a rehearsal dinner is typically for the wedding party and their SOs.

I'm really glad this girl's family and in-laws can afford to throw two parties of such a grand size! I'm super jealous now.

HisGirlFriday13

Sugargirl1019 said:

I think I was just surprised because a rehearsal dinner is typically for the wedding party and their SOs.

I'm really glad this girl's family and in-laws can afford to throw two parties of such a grand size! I'm super jealous now.

The bolded is false. Up until the last 25 or 30 years, the RD was typically (a) hosted by the groom's parents and (b) open to all OOT guests.

The idea was that the wedding was held in the bride's hometown, which might not be the groom's hometown, so the groom's relatives were travelling, and this was his parents' chance to host.

My brother and then I had to fight my mother on inviting OOT guests to the RD. He lost, because my parents did pay for his RD and all of their families were OOT.

I won, but I also scheduled our rehearsal for noon, and half our WP didn't attend (they said they weren't coming before I scheduled it for noon, ftr.)

cruffino

My sister's RD had about 100 people. The wedding was OOT for 99% of her husband's family. We had about 40 people, since we had very few OOT guests.

Sugargirl1019

@HisGirlFriday13

That makes a lot of sense actually, a chance to host their own guests. Never considered that. Just goes to show you "regional" things or "what is normally done" doesn't make it the rule, haha.

JCbride2015

I'm pretty sure our RD will be at least that big, and I don't mind.  FILs generously offered to host, and they will want to invite... well... pretty much all the family.  They hosted our e-party and the only reason we were able to keep it under 75 people was because the restaurant literally did not have enough seats for more than that.  FILs love to host big gatherings, and we knew that's what we were gonna get when we accepted their offer to host the RD.  It's fine, it will be fun.  

If we were hosting, it would be very small.  We were actually thinking about doing tacos or pizza before FILs stepped in.  I hope nobody would have judged us for throwing a small RD, and hopefully nobody will side-eye FILs throwing a large one!  Some people just have huge families.

phira

My brother's rehearsal dinner (hosted by my parents) was open to ALL wedding guests who wanted to come. I've also been to more than one rehearsal dinner that was open to all out of town guests and extended family. Because of my experiences, I was actually surprised when my future brother-in-law's rehearsal dinner was only about 25 people.

So I get why you were surprised, but it's not totally wacky. I was surprised in the opposite way!

blabla89

That does sound huge but I can see how it happens. All of FI's guests are close so we can't really invite some and not others, and all of my guests are OOT. We're looking at our RD guest list right now and it's like, "Since Lucy is a BM then her husband will also attend the RD, so her mom and stepdad should also be invited and if we're inviting them then we can't leave out Lucy's brother and his date." And suddenly one person has turned into six people that we want to invite. We're thinking it would be easier to just invite all of our wedding guests, which would be 80-90 people.

csuave

We had 36 and did an informal pizza party at our new house in PA.  It was people involved in the rehearsal + SOs, immediate families and OOT family from TX and MI. 

Inviting our OOT family was keeping with my family tradition to invite OOT family and an opportunity to show our new house and the city (our house is in the city and has a skyline view--ceremony/reception were in the suburbs) to aunts and uncles that have never been to Pittsburgh and may never make another trip to Pittsburgh.

I made a salad and pan of brownies, ILs bought pizza, and we put out chips and party mix and served assorted flavors of Klondike bars for dessert.  I think it was under $400 total.

I like the idea of having more time to spend with family/OOT guests.  But from the original post 80-100 does seem like a lot. 

lc07

My husband and I hosted about 80 guests at our rehearsal dinner. It was technically a welcome party since we didn't have a rehearsal. In my circle, it is customary to invite all family members, wp, anyone involved in the ceremony, and OOT guests including their children and of course their SOs.

ETA: California. But my circle is all over the country hence the large guest count.

Simky906

Yeah, we're inviting about 70 people to our rehearsal dinner. We considered doing a smaller wedding party/parents dinner (which is what is typically done in my circle) but in FI's family a wedding tends to be a weekend long event. You generally have a pretty casual dinner Friday night (one cousin did a BBQ, another is doing a food truck) , wedding on Saturday and brunch on Sunday. The brunch would take us significantly over budget but we are doing the big rehearsal- probably at a casual Italian place.

SmileDamnit

We're inviting all wedding guests to the rehearsal dinner, but "all" is a whoppin' 26 people so it's far from a large gathering. As it's a destination for everyone, we just figured it would be nice to host a relaxed afternoon/evening on the lake for those who are interested, AND it gives us more time to hang out with our loved ones.

princessleia22

Yeah, I always thought the RD was just for people in wedding party that actually needed to participate in the rehearsal. We are having OOT wedding and no rehearsal. But, we do plan to have an informal pizza party "Welcome Dinner", so pretty much same thing as RD. We are inviting all guests, but that's only about 30 people. 

Peaseblossom55

Our RD is just for the wedding party, So's our parents, FI's grandma, ring bearer & his parents, my niece and a reader and her SO. I think the total will be about 24. FI's parents are paying for it so I let them dictate who they wanted to include but I'm glad it's going to be small.

Ven&Radio

In the end, our RD was lovely but it caused a number of problems between H and his dad.  FIL insisted on paying for the RD from the time we got engaged, but requested we plan it since he lives ~600 miles away.  We picked a lovely little (little being key here) restaraunt right on the water with great food and a casual atmosphere, told them we'd have at most 20 people.  We sent FIL a copy of the menu and some pictures of the view and he loved it, sent us a check that was over 2x what the RD would cost if we had 20 people (and we were budgeting generously so everyone could eat/drink as much as they wanted).  H made the assumption without checking that anything over what we needed for the RD could go towards the wedding.  So we set a certain amount aside and used the rest towards some other aspects of the wedding.  About a month before the wedding, it came out that FIL was expecting all OOT guests to be invited.  This would have been all but maybe 5 people invited to the wedding because our family and friends are widespread.  In order to host a private party of that size, it would have shut the restaraunt we picked down for the night and cost us not only more than we budgeted, but more than FIL had sent us.  If FIL had been up front with his expectations, we would have planned accordingly.  We ended up having a small RD and then hosting drinks for all OOT guests at the hotel bar.  It was fun and the RD came in under budget, but it ended up being a huge stress point leading up the wedding and really strained H's relationship with his dad (which wasn't great before this).

Christina2323

We are inviting everyone to a "welcome dinner"...it's on a boat that can fit our whole wedding (120 ppl, give or take), and we are doing relatively cheap catering from an Italian restaurant so that it's not ridiculous $$.  

Ironically, we are getting married where FH is from and all of his friends and family still live--nearly all of my friends and family are coming in from out of town. I haven't seen some people in years and love to throw a party...so I'm throwing two! We are basically paying for it ourselves b/c FH family isn't in a position to help and I'm fine with that, it's mostly for "my side" guests anyway.  But, if his friends and family want to join in, more the merrier. The wedding will be fleeting, I want to get as much time with everyone as I can.

phira

Ven&Radio said:

In the end, our RD was lovely but it caused a number of problems between H and his dad.  FIL insisted on paying for the RD from the time we got engaged, but requested we plan it since he lives ~600 miles away.  We picked a lovely little (little being key here) restaraunt right on the water with great food and a casual atmosphere, told them we'd have at most 20 people.  We sent FIL a copy of the menu and some pictures of the view and he loved it, sent us a check that was over 2x what the RD would cost if we had 20 people (and we were budgeting generously so everyone could eat/drink as much as they wanted).  H made the assumption without checking that anything over what we needed for the RD could go towards the wedding.  So we set a certain amount aside and used the rest towards some other aspects of the wedding.  About a month before the wedding, it came out that FIL was expecting all OOT guests to be invited.  This would have been all but maybe 5 people invited to the wedding because our family and friends are widespread.  In order to host a private party of that size, it would have shut the restaraunt we picked down for the night and cost us not only more than we budgeted, but more than FIL had sent us.  If FIL had been up front with his expectations, we would have planned accordingly.  We ended up having a small RD and then hosting drinks for all OOT guests at the hotel bar.  It was fun and the RD came in under budget, but it ended up being a huge stress point leading up the wedding and really strained H's relationship with his dad (which wasn't great before this).

This is SO important, and definitely something that was more on him than it was on you. Arguably, you should have asked him what his expectations were, although maybe you DID. Either way, when someone says, "I'll pay, but you plan it," that doesn't mean, "I'll pay, but you plan it the way I want you to but haven't told you to." And the number of people on the guest list is definitely part of planning.