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Big fight over night before wedding.

So my mother told me she planned to have me stay at her home the night before the wedding. The problem with this is that she is a very heavy smoker. The smell of smoke staying with me is one concern, but also I feel sick like I have a cold after spending time at her house. I tried to fib and told her my MOH planned a girls night with all the bridesmaids at a hotel for the night before, but my mother than said she has room for all us at the house. I fessed up and told her how I felt about the cigarette smell and now she is super mad at me. I have tried to tell her that normally the smoke would not bother me, but this is a special day and I dont want to feel like I have a cold on my wedding day. I have said sorry several times but she is still mad. Was I wrong to tell her no? Am I doing something wrong? Ideas to smooth this out, because what I'm doing is not working.

Re: Big fight over night before wedding.

  • You can't smooth it over because your mother doesn't want to admit she has a habit that is off-putting and disgusting.

    I agreed with Simply Fated; your mother doesn't want to hear about her addiction and she especially doesn't want to hear about her addiction from her own child.

    Let it go. Just don't bring it up to her. It will either blow over or it won't, but bringing it up will not smooth it over.

    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • I feel terrible. She has been helping some financially with the wedding and I have been going out of my way to thank her and show how apperciative I am. After this smoke argument she said "You dont mind the smoke when I give you a check". Ugh! I told her I love her and if she truely feels this way I will pay her back. She didnt answer and we havent talked in 4 days. This is unheard of for us. Thanks for the feed back.
  • My parents are devorced and one of the things they had the most trouble with was her smoking. I had never expressed her smoking being an issue before for two reasons. One: I knew it was a sensitive subject because of my father, and I knew it would have hurt her feelings. Two: It is worth it 99% of the time to be in a smokey environment to spend time with her. I dont mind feeling like a have a cold the next day. But just this one day, it is important.
  • ErinableErinable member
    10 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited March 2014
    I feel for you deeply on this. I am a singer, and even though it was over 10 years ago, my mother drove to and paid for hotel stays at each of my college auditions. I'm still thankful to her for this, but her smoking in the car and hotel rooms clearly hurt my voice and stressed me out! Luckily I got into the school of my choice, but I STILL have resentment over the smoke! I was 17-years-old at the time and didn't have another place to sleep, but if it was the day before my wedding I'd make a point to not share a smoke-shack with her.

    If this makes you feel any better, I also HATE getting ready in front of people. I can't put my makeup on or brush my teeth with someone else in the bathroom without flipping out in anger (even with double sinks). It's a weird thing I have, but I'm getting ready ALONE the morning of my wedding, not only for my own sanity but for the sake of those I care about. Sometimes you have to put your personal wellness first in order to be a gracious host.

  • edited March 2014
    Sorry, a smoky house is the last place I'd want to be the night before the wedding. I don't think you've done anything wrong. If you feel like you must do something you could invite her to spend the night before with you. But she would have to smoke outside.
    ETA: I mean invite her to your house or hotel or something
  • If you have the extra cash, maybe you guys could split a hotel room and still have a mother/daughter night? Or invite her to your house?

    I think she is more upset at herself than you, especially if she isn't usually like this. Let her cool off and then try and see if she wants to stay somewhere else. Tell her that you really want to spend the night with her, just not at her house. Maybe the hotel you will stay at is closer to the venue, or your house is more convenient because all your stuff is there. Point out positives!
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