Ceremony, Dinner, Reception - separate invites?

tigger75

Hi Ladies! 

I'm looking for some advice about our invites...our budget only allows us to have immediate family and very close friends (people we've known majority of our lives) to our wedding dinner. There are many other friends we want to have come and celebrate with us so we will be inviting those people to the reception. My thoughts are, and I know this may be wrong which is why I am asking for advice, those friends that we are inviting to the reception is it ok to also send them an invite to the ceremony? I don't want those friends to feel like they can't attend our ceremony just because we can't afford to have them for the dinner. Does that make sense?

What I'm thinking I need to do is have separate invites done for the ceremony (the normal invitation) and those who are invited to the dinner will receive the RSVP cards, and get a totally different invite that gets sent to those who are reception only? Can we do word of mouth notifications to those reception friends who we may want to join us at the ceremony? Or is this not as big of a deal as I am making it out to be and I don't need to worry about it? 

I hope I havent confused anyone here, as I may have confused myself trying to explain what my thoughts are...basically just trying to figure out if I just need one main invite and the RSVP's go to those joining for dinner and the others get a reception card with the reception info?

Thanks in advance for replies!!!

kaos16

tigger75 said:

Hi Ladies! 

I'm looking for some advice about our invites...our budget only allows us to have immediate family and very close friends (people we've known majority of our lives) to our wedding dinner. There are many other friends we want to have come and celebrate with us so we will be inviting those people to the reception. My thoughts are, and I know this may be wrong which is why I am asking for advice, those friends that we are inviting to the reception is it ok to also send them an invite to the ceremony? I don't want those friends to feel like they can't attend our ceremony just because we can't afford to have them for the dinner. Does that make sense?

What I'm thinking I need to do is have separate invites done for the ceremony (the normal invitation) and those who are invited to the dinner will receive the RSVP cards, and get a totally different invite that gets sent to those who are reception only? Can we do word of mouth notifications to those reception friends who we may want to join us at the ceremony? Or is this not as big of a deal as I am making it out to be and I don't need to worry about it? 

I hope I havent confused anyone here, as I may have confused myself trying to explain what my thoughts are...basically just trying to figure out if I just need one main invite and the RSVP's go to those joining for dinner and the others get a reception card with the reception info?

Thanks in advance for replies!!!

What you are describing is a tiered reception.  This is not something you should do, ever.  It is rude to your guests.  A better idea would be to cut back on your guest list and invite the entire group to everything, or to cut down on your reception costs.  For example, you could do a reception at a non-meal time and host cake and punch.

Even if you didn't think this idea was rude, imagine the issues with keeping all of this straight!  It would be a nightmare to keep track of who was invited to which part.  Not to mention, Aunt Jane sitting at the ceremony talking about how she is excited about dinner to Aunt Sue who was only invited to the reception after dinner. . . . that will NEVER end well.

Good luck with changing your gameplan, there are plenty of ladies here who have great ideas for budget brides.

Cookie Pusher

I have to agree with PP, what you are planning is rude. Yes, weddings are expensive and yes, your friends and family want to share in the excitement of it with you - but it is not fair to tell them they are only good enough to be there for part of your wedding and not others. Your best bet is to either invite everyone to a non-meal-time ceremony with a cake & punch/appetizer reception or cut your guests list and invite only those people.

hyechica81

you need to cut your guest list down to accommodate everyone you want to invite they have to be invited to all 3 ceremony dinner and reception where i am from new england area a reception is considered dinner and dancing, 

do you have a venue that everything is included food drinks etc? you might consider a buffet vs a plated to save some money or do a heavy appitizer dinner with cake after

what your saying is hey come to my ceremony at this time but then you have a 3 hr gap come to my reception after   the worst is not starting exactly on time and your dancing only guest come while diner is still going on how rude would that be

plus you would have to do all the first dances cake cutting before they came to the dancing part

so rude rethink your food options and cutting down your guest list to accommodate everyone you want to invite. poeple talk about weddings especially tiered ones and i can tell you yours will be talked about for months  you want people to talk about how great your wedding was not how bad and tacky it was

LondonLisa

What you have planned is very rude. It says to your guests: " I think you are good enough to buy me a gift, get dressed up, and celebrate me, but not good enough for me to actually want to pay to host you". I would seriously consider ending a friendship if someone I knew did this to me. 

This is how you plan a wedding:

1.) Write a list of everyone you want at your wedding

2.) independent of that, look through your financial situation and come up with an overall budget

THEN you figure out what you can do to host everyone. A wedding and reception are one event. Everyone MUST be invited to the whole day. Cake and punch receptions are perfectly fine. 

Here are a few inexpensive options:

-Brunch reception

-Afternoon tea or Cake and Punch reception (ceremony starting between 2 and reception ending at 5:30)

-Dessert and light apps reception (ceremony starting after 8:30pm)

All you need for a wedding is a couple, officiant and marriage license. Things you don't need: evening reception, dancing, alcohol, a full meal (only if the ceremony/reception is at a non-meal time ie not at 11:30-3 or 5-8). 

It stops being your day when you invite guests. Host everyone properly.

HisGirlFriday13

So your plan would be that everyone would get invited to the ceremony, then some special people would get invited to a dinner you're hosting, then everybody would again be invited to a reception.

And you have to ask why this seems rude to you?

If you're not feeding people at the reception, what on earth ARE you doing at the reception? Generally, the reception is the expensive part.

What you need to do is figure out who you really want there, and how much you can afford to spend per person, and then figure out what you can host.

If that means having a mid-afternoon wedding and hosting a cake-and-punch reception, then do that. 

What's more important to you -- having the people you love there, or having a fancy dinner with only some people?

CMGragain

OP, the reason you are having trouble writing a proper invitation to your wedding is that your plans are not proper at all.  Get back to us when you have your plans revised.  A cake and punch afternoon reception would solve your problems.  Invite everyone to the entire event.

tigger75

I truly appreciate all the replies. I guess I should have come here and asked about it before all the deposits were made for the separate locations (ceremony and reception are in different locations) and our reception location does not offer just a dessert and apps kind of reception. They also have a maximum capacity for dinner which is 150, so even if we could some how afford to have everyone for dinner, they don't have the space. And at this point our budget can't take the hit of losing the deposit we have already put down, which is non-refundable. Also, and I know I'll probably get slack for this, but my family has certain expectations about my wedding. Example: I can't just go to a park and have it catered...that wouldnt fly in my family and I would be criticized forever because of it. That's just how my family is. So the reception location we found was the nicest place possible for the cheapest price. Now I don't know what to do and we're 6 months away from the wedding. I don't know where I would even be able to find a new reception location that would be available and with our tight budget we really can't afford to lose the deposit...so now what? I just cut those good friends out of our celebration? That doesn't seem fair, especially since some of the guests for dinner are people we have to invite because they are family, not because we really care to have them there. But the friends who we actually want to have there with us we can't because we are paying for this entirely ourselves? All of this kinda makes me not want to do anything at all...and we have talked about eloping, but neither of our immediate families could afford to go with us and they would be so hurt if we got married without them

CMGragain

You must cut your guest list to 150 people total.  This is the only way you can continue with your plans and not be horribly rude to your guests.
Many brides here are paying for their own wedding, and are on a tight budget.  That is no excuse for being rude to your guests.
You planned your wedding backwards.  Here is good advice from Miss Manners:

Miss Manners' top 5 gentle wedding reminders

1. When you had that childhood wedding fantasy, you were a child. If you don't have better taste and a greater sense of social and fiscal responsibility now, you're too immature to get married.

2. People are more important than menus. Figure out first whom you want to have there, and then what you can afford to serve them, not the other way around.

3. A phrase you will be happier if you forget: "the perfect wedding." Perfection does not exist this side of heaven, especially when it involves complicated arrangements and all kinds of other people, and you'll drive yourself and others crazy if you think you can achieve it.

4. Another phrase you will be happier forgetting: "It's your day." The joining of two people involves two (or more) families and other relatives and friends, and you ignore their feelings and comfort at your peril.

5. Your guests are not your personal shoppers.

It doesn't matter what your family expects.  They are not paying for your wedding.  Miss Manner's daughter was married in a garden with an afternoon tea reception.  That was good enough for HER!

It is acceptable for you to elope.  You can also cancel your plans, eat the deposit, and be married in a private ceremony with immediate family only.  What you must not do is to be rude to your guests.

LondonLisa

tigger75 said:

I truly appreciate all the replies. I guess I should have come here and asked about it before all the deposits were made for the separate locations (ceremony and reception are in different locations) and our reception location does not offer just a dessert and apps kind of reception. They also have a maximum capacity for dinner which is 150, so even if we could some how afford to have everyone for dinner, they don't have the space. And at this point our budget can't take the hit of losing the deposit we have already put down, which is non-refundable. Also, and I know I'll probably get slack for this, but my family has certain expectations about my wedding. Example: I can't just go to a park and have it catered...that wouldnt fly in my family and I would be criticized forever because of it. That's just how my family is. So the reception location we found was the nicest place possible for the cheapest price. Now I don't know what to do and we're 6 months away from the wedding. I don't know where I would even be able to find a new reception location that would be available and with our tight budget we really can't afford to lose the deposit...so now what? I just cut those good friends out of our celebration? That doesn't seem fair, especially since some of the guests for dinner are people we have to invite because they are family, not because we really care to have them there. But the friends who we actually want to have there with us we can't because we are paying for this entirely ourselves? All of this kinda makes me not want to do anything at all...and we have talked about eloping, but neither of our immediate families could afford to go with us and they would be so hurt if we got married without them

I'm sorry, but if you are unwilling to host them for dinner, then yes, you have to cut out your good friends. You CHOSE to have the wedding your family wanted (even though they aren't paying). No one forced you to do it. Therefore you need to live with the consequences. If having your friends there was a priority, you would have hosted everyone properly.

Think about it this way, would you ever invite someone to come to a dinner party for dessert because you couldn't afford to feed them the meal everyone else was invited to? Of course you wouldn't! Think about how horrible and sad that friend would feel showing up with everyone raving how delicious the steak was, knowing the weren't "good enough" for an invite. What a cruel thing to do to a friend.

You are worried about what your family will say about your wedding, but you are not thinking about what your "friends"/second class guests will say about your tiered wedding. Tiered weddings are the best way to take the express train to subject-of-ire-town!

tigger75

Just to be clear, I have never said I didn't care about being rude or improper to my guests...I have been to weddings where additional people joined for the reception and have also been one of those guests invited to the reception and not to dinner, in which case I was not upset because I understood that the couple was only having a private dinner for immediate family. I guess because I had experienced this situation I really didn't think it was that horrible. Was it more acceptable to have the private family dinner because the couple did serve snacks later in the evening which all of the guests, including those of us not invited to the private dinner, were able to eat something? Please don't criticize me, I'm here asking for help...

LondonLisa

@CMGragain, I wish Miss Manner's 5 wedding reminders came on a laminated card that was required to be handed out with every marriage license.

LondonLisa

tigger75 said:

Just to be clear, I have never said I didn't care about being rude or improper to my guests...I have been to weddings where additional people joined for the reception and have also been one of those guests invited to the reception and not to dinner, in which case I was not upset because I understood that the couple was only having a private dinner for immediate family. I guess because I had experienced this situation I really didn't think it was that horrible. Was it more acceptable to have the private family dinner because the couple did serve snacks later in the evening which all of the guests, including those of us not invited to the private dinner, were able to eat something? Please don't criticize me, I'm here asking for help...

I'm sure no one on here thinks you are a bad person or is criticising you personally. We are here to help you fix the situation. Just because you have seen it done doesn't make it ok. There is no way you can have a tiered reception without being rude.

If you want to change this around, and I would encourage you to in the strongest possible terms, the ladies on here are AMAZING at helping and coming up with creative ideas.

Here are a few cost cutters:

1.) switch your meal package to a cheaper option

2.) have a dry wedding or beer and wine only wedding instead of open bar (no cash bars at all!)

3.) Negotiate with your reception sites and see if they can do a cheaper version. Say you have x amount to spend per person, what can they do with that?

4.) talk to your florist and cut your floral package down. Use candles instead of flowers.

5.) buy a used wedding dress on preownedweddingdresses.com

6.) cut favours, programmes and extras

7.) use a university student photographer instead of a professional one

Let us help you, but first you are going to have to agree that you cannot host a tiered wedding. 

CMGragain

tigger75 said:

Just to be clear, I have never said I didn't care about being rude or improper to my guests...I have been to weddings where additional people joined for the reception and have also been one of those guests invited to the reception and not to dinner, in which case I was not upset because I understood that the couple was only having a private dinner for immediate family. I guess because I had experienced this situation I really didn't think it was that horrible. Was it more acceptable to have the private family dinner because the couple did serve snacks later in the evening which all of the guests, including those of us not invited to the private dinner, were able to eat something? Please don't criticize me, I'm here asking for help...

We ARE trying to help you.  We are trying to stop you from having a disaster of a wedding.  Just because other people have done something does not mean it is a good idea.
Here are your choices:
1.  Cut your guest list to the number of people you can afford to invite to everything.  (You can have your dinner reception and keep your venue, but you can't invite everybody.)
2.  Cancel the dinner, and have a nice cake and punch reception at a location that can do this.  You could serve little tea sandwiches, too, and invite everybody.  (You can have all your friends, but you lose the dinner and venue.)
3.  Cancel your plans and have a private ceremony and reception for immediate family only.
4.  Elope.

You cannot have it all.  Every bride has to make these choices.  Usually they make them when they are first planning their wedding.  You just have to make them NOW.
Now put on your big girl panties and make a decision. 

tigger75

I'm ok with not having a tiered wedding, honestly it was the only way I could have all of the people there I wanted to celebrate with since I can't afford to have them all for dinner. If I can figure out some other way to do things, I am open to suggestions.

Regarding your cost cutters, actually most of them I am already doing. 

- We are only having beer and soda, drinks are available but the guests will be paying for them if they want them. 

- I am doing the flowers myself, as I am very allergic to pollen and will be using silk flowers. 

- All centerpieces are being done by me as well using things such as wood slices (from a tree we just had to cut down), pinecones, twigs, mini pumpkins that I am planting myself etc so these are very inexpensive.

- I got my wedding dress during a sidewalk sale the bridal shop was having and paid less than $300.

- We're having 2 friends who are photographers doing our photos, which isn't costing us anything as they are doing this as a wedding gift to us. 

HisGirlFriday13

shrekspeare said:

@HisGirl, I have only been to one wedding-ceremony and reception-where a meal was served. The other weddings I've gone to have provided light refreshments-ranging from desserts, candy bars, mini sandwiches, etc...during receptions. For most of the weddings around here, people generally just go to the reception to see the bride and groom-there's usually a receiving line-maybe munch on some stuff, then leave. People who do stay tend to mingle with each other, but not with the bride and groom. Very few of these weddings have dancing, and the ones that do don't really have anyone dancing.

Mostly it's just a chance to mingle and congratulate the bride and groom. Of course, I can't speak for the weddings she's been to, just mine. But that's generally what happens.

I've been to receptions like that, too. But they've always been immediately after the ceremony, and have included all people invited to the ceremony. The idea of having a ceremony, then inviting some people to a dinner, then asking everyone else to come back for a reception baffles me. 

But OP is planning on feeding SOME people dinner, which tells me that the wedding is over a meal, which means that she's going to host not only a tiered reception but a very oddly tiered one at that.

If OP wants to move her wedding to a non-meal time and host the reception you described, she would be within the bounds of etiquette. 

OP, if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to tell your family that you're not going to do things that are out of your budget just to appease them. PPs have had great advice on how to have the wedding you want on your budget without being rude. 

kaos16

tigger75 said:

I'm ok with not having a tiered wedding, honestly it was the only way I could have all of the people there I wanted to celebrate with since I can't afford to have them all for dinner. If I can figure out some other way to do things, I am open to suggestions.

Regarding your cost cutters, actually most of them I am already doing. 

- We are only having beer and soda, drinks are available but the guests will be paying for them if they want them. 

- I am doing the flowers myself, as I am very allergic to pollen and will be using silk flowers. 

- All centerpieces are being done by me as well using things such as wood slices (from a tree we just had to cut down), pinecones, twigs, mini pumpkins that I am planting myself etc so these are very inexpensive.

- I got my wedding dress during a sidewalk sale the bridal shop was having and paid less than $300.

- We're having 2 friends who are photographers doing our photos, which isn't costing us anything as they are doing this as a wedding gift to us. 

cash bars are not a good thing either. . . . .Beer and soda is fine.  Juice and soft drinks works.  Wine and beer work. . . . .full bar works.  Just please don't make your guests pay for drinks.  Since I am apparently the queen of hypos today, imagine this one- Joe and John go to the bar.  Joe gets a beer and John gets a glass of wine.  John is charged $6 and Joe is charged nothing.  No bueno my friend!

tigger75

HisGirlFriday13 said:

shrekspeare said:

@HisGirl, I have only been to one wedding-ceremony and reception-where a meal was served. The other weddings I've gone to have provided light refreshments-ranging from desserts, candy bars, mini sandwiches, etc...during receptions. For most of the weddings around here, people generally just go to the reception to see the bride and groom-there's usually a receiving line-maybe munch on some stuff, then leave. People who do stay tend to mingle with each other, but not with the bride and groom. Very few of these weddings have dancing, and the ones that do don't really have anyone dancing.

Mostly it's just a chance to mingle and congratulate the bride and groom. Of course, I can't speak for the weddings she's been to, just mine. But that's generally what happens.

I've been to receptions like that, too. But they've always been immediately after the ceremony, and have included all people invited to the ceremony. The idea of having a ceremony, then inviting some people to a dinner, then asking everyone else to come back for a reception baffles me. 

But OP is planning on feeding SOME people dinner, which tells me that the wedding is over a meal, which means that she's going to host not only a tiered reception but a very oddly tiered one at that.

If OP wants to move her wedding to a non-meal time and host the reception you described, she would be within the bounds of etiquette. 

OP, if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to tell your family that you're not going to do things that are out of your budget just to appease them. PPs have had great advice on how to have the wedding you want on your budget without being rude. 

My wedding is not over a meal, my ceremony was set for 2:00 pm and dinner was to be served at a different location at 6:00 pm. 

Cookie Pusher

So... tiered AND a 3+ hour gap?

tigger75

@koas16 - I've never been to a wedding where I didn't have to pay for my drinks if I wanted more than beer, wine, or soda. Maybe I've never experienced what a proper wedding/reception is supposed to be like? 

kaos16

tigger75 said:

@koas16 - I've never been to a wedding where I didn't have to pay for my drinks if I wanted more than beer, wine, or soda. Maybe I've never experienced what a proper wedding/reception is supposed to be like? 

Unfortunately we see that a lot around here.  Often times it is a regional thing I suppose. . . . but it's still rude whether or not it's common where you are from.  Just think, you could start an amazing new trend in your area now that you've come to us!

tigger75

shrekspeare said:

Hnnnggg. This just keeps getting worse.

Don't have a 3+ hour gap. You're actually in a great position with a 2pm ceremony to only have a cake and punch reception. Do that instead! Then everyone can be there!

I am not able to do a cake/punch reception...my reception location does not allow it and the ceremony location has a wedding reception that evening in the only space that would be available to do it there. 

Cookie Pusher

Can you push your ceremony back or start your reception earlier? I know that you said your family has certain "expectations", but honestly? If they're not going to help you pay for it, it's rude of them to insist on or expect things - especially things that you can't afford or would cause tiered hospitality/rudeness. If your reception venue can push things up, you could do a luncheon reception at 3. It may even cost less than a dinner reception.

tigger75

Looks like I will have to cut my guest list then, and not be able to celebrate with those that I really want to because I'm obligated to invite others. Yes I know you all don't understand why I would go with what expectations my family has but then again you don't have to live with them and be ridiculed and criticized for the rest of your life because your wedding didn't measure up, its a very sad and messed up situation and even more sad that I really can't do anything about it unless I'm ok with never speaking to some of my family members again. 

At this point I'm feeling like none of this should happen if it can't be with those people we truly want to be there...what's the point of having the whole wedding celebration if you can't celebrate with those you want to? 

Thanks again for all your advice and for clearing things up for me...Thanks for stopping me before I made a huge mistake!

Cookie Pusher

Why not have a big. non-wedding related party with all of your friends a few days/weeks after the wedding then? You could do a casual backyard BBQ or something, and not label it as being related to a wedding. Because, really, the only thing the "reception" you were originally planning had to do with your wedding was that it was on the same day. The extra guests you were planning to invite wouldn't have been there to see you get married or be with you in that moment.

KatWAG

Cookie Pusher said:

So... tiered AND a 3+ hour gap?

And a cash bar. Its a trifecta.

CrazyCatLady3

tigger75 said:

Looks like I will have to cut my guest list then, and not be able to celebrate with those that I really want to because I'm obligated to invite others. Yes I know you all don't understand why I would go with what expectations my family has but then again you don't have to live with them and be ridiculed and criticized for the rest of your life because your wedding didn't measure up, its a very sad and messed up situation and even more sad that I really can't do anything about it unless I'm ok with never speaking to some of my family members again. 

At this point I'm feeling like none of this should happen if it can't be with those people we truly want to be there...what's the point of having the whole wedding celebration if you can't celebrate with those you want to? 

Thanks again for all your advice and for clearing things up for me...Thanks for stopping me before I made a huge mistake!

I am sorry your family is being so difficult.  But how do they expect YOU to pay for their wishes?  You should tell your family, "we would love to invite all the family members and include [x,y,z things that are expected] into our wedding, but unfortunately, we just cannot afford it."  If you don't have the money, you don't have the money.  If they really have an issue with it, they can pony up some funds to pay for it.

And really, if these people are going to hold this over your head forever, maybe you should cut their toxicity out of your life.  Otherwise you will always be at the mercy of their manipulation.

QueerFemme

tigger75 said:

Looks like I will have to cut my guest list then, and not be able to celebrate with those that I really want to because I'm obligated to invite others. Yes I know you all don't understand why I would go with what expectations my family has but then again you don't have to live with them and be ridiculed and criticized for the rest of your life because your wedding didn't measure up, its a very sad and messed up situation and even more sad that I really can't do anything about it unless I'm ok with never speaking to some of my family members again. 

At this point I'm feeling like none of this should happen if it can't be with those people we truly want to be there...what's the point of having the whole wedding celebration if you can't celebrate with those you want to? 

Thanks again for all your advice and for clearing things up for me...Thanks for stopping me before I made a huge mistake!

I imagine if your family is the type of family that will tease and ridicule, they will find some reason to do it, no matter what you do.  If your family has certain expectations of who should be invited, maybe they should cough up a chunk of money to pay for them.

You should rehearse this in the mirror:  Mom, Dad...  our guest list and budget just can't accomodate that many people.  Give me your top 50 people, and that's who will be invited.  You can do the same to your FI's parents, then, you can invite 50 people that you want to invite. 

If you are worried about your family's opinions of "measuring up" so much so that you don't have the wedding you want, that YOU are paying for, I fear that you will be trying to measure up for the rest of your life.  House not good enough?  Kid's school not good enough?  Little Johnny didn't get into a good college?    Seriously, set some boundaries now and start living an adult life where you get to make your own choices.

 

QueerFemme

Oh. And don't have a gap.  And don't have a cash bar.  Host whatever you can afford. If you can't afford an open bar, don't have one.  Serve beer, wine and soft drinks only. 

Jen4948

Tiered reception, cash bar, and a 3-hour gap.  

3 strikes and you're out.

None of this passes etiquette muster.  Scale back your wedding to what you can afford and reschedule it to eliminate all this.  Basic hosting requirements are that you provide the same hospitality to all guests, no guests have to open their wallets, and the reception starts right after the ceremony-no "special dinner" for family while everyone else comes later in order to cut costs.  That's so rude.

MyNameIsNot

First step?  Learn to stand up to your family.  If they start to make comments, leave the room or hang up the phone.  They treat you the way you let them.  You're a grown adult getting married.  It's time to draw the line.

Second, you need to overhaul this wedding.  You have HUGE problems with the guest list, the cash bar and the gap.  Cash bar and gap are simply unacceptable.  Unless you are able to move your ceremony or reception time, you're going to have to cancel one or the other and take the deposit hit, which is going to compound the problem.

The good news is now that you realize you can control whether or not you get berated by your family, you can revisit that cake and punch at non-meal time option.  If your family wants to boycott, that's on them.