What is your biggest compromise (if you have one)?

JCbride2015

This is inspired by the thread on whether you and Fi had the same wedding vision.  What is the biggest thing you are compromising on, or thinking about compromising on?  How do you feel about that and what makes it worthwhile for you?

Today I'm thinking a lot about changing my name.  I always thought I wouldn't, but it is extremely important to Fi.  I have not come to a final decision yet, but I might do it because he would be so thrilled.

WinstonsGirl

I'm not sure I compromised on anything, at least nothing of any importance to me.  DH compromised a bit more though, in that I got the photographers I wanted and I got a wedding.  He wanted to elope originally.  I thought it would be important to our family and close friends (and us too) to have them there, and he caved.  He doesn't like being the centre of attention.  I think it helped that I only wanted about 40-45 people total.  He said after it was the best decision I pushed him into, and he was really glad we had guests.  

hikebikebemerry

Not hiking up a mountain for a ceremony with immediate family only to get married. We compromised by getting married at a mountainside ski resort. Bonus: it looks like they are going to open up the chairlift for us to take pics at the top! There hasn't been too much that we have butted heads on. Even with the name thing, our conversation was: Me: "what are your thoughts on the last name situation after we get married?" FI: "hmm, do you want me to take your name, or do you want to take my name? I just would like to share a name with you." me: "cool, I will take your name because my first name with your last name sounds better than your first name with my last name." FI: "awesome, can you please turn off the light."

JCbride2015

hikebikebemerry said:

Not hiking up a mountain for a ceremony with immediate family only to get married. We compromised by getting married at a mountainside ski resort. Bonus: it looks like they are going to open up the chairlift for us to take pics at the top! There hasn't been too much that we have butted heads on. Even with the name thing, our conversation was: Me: "what are your thoughts on the last name situation after we get married?" FI: "hmm, do you want me to take your name, or do you want to take my name? I just would like to share a name with you." me: "cool, I will take your name because my first name with your last name sounds better than your first name with my last name." FI: "awesome, can you please turn off the light."

@hikebikebemerry I really wish Fi had this attitude.  It's the only thing that we really, strongly disagree on.  I think he feels a lot of family pressure about the name, like they would think he isn't man enough if he takes mine.  And then I get upset because that's so patriarchal it makes my head spin.

lc07

Catering. I really liked one company more than the one my husband liked.

But he's the foodie and I was the final decision maker on so many other aspects of our wedding that I just let go and let him be in charge of the catering. I'm SO glad I did. The company he chose came through and did an amazing job. And I've actually happened to attend weddings that were catered by the company I originally wanted and wasn't as impressed.

hikebikebemerry

I'm very grateful for his attitude. It stinks that people feel pressure from our patriarchal society. I will be very interested to see how that changes from our generation to our (potential/theoretical) children's generation as far as the expectation of who takes what name. Personally, I think it's incredibly unfair to feel pressure to change one's name. No paragraphs for the iPad... Wheeeee!

phira

Hm. This is a good question. These feel pretty silly/minor to me, but:

I didn't want an engagement ring, but he wanted to get me one. We ended up buying, together, a ring for him and a ring for me.

pinkshorts27

Fi.doesn't care if I change my name, but he refuses to change his (apparently his mom fought to hyphenate it and his dad was unhappy, then his mom died so he is a little emotional about it).

We both compromised for a summer wedding to winter, but it was the only way to get married in the next two years and have everyone invited.

I may compromise on the dishes we register for. We both have different styles. So I'll probably let him pick our daily use and then pick the China I want.

Simky906

The biggest compromise so far is on the size of our guest list. I really wanted a smaller wedding, 50-75 people. However, FI has a big family and wanted to invite a bunch of co workers, so I compromised on that. Including potential plus ones our guest list now sits at 143 people.

Swazzle

My H is super laid back and really didn't have strong opinions about most of wedding planning. He did, however, really want to get married in New Jersey which is where he's lived his whole life and where we live now. I lived in Philly until I was 10 and then Delaware until I went to college so I didn't feel a strong desire to get married in any specific state. 

Once we started planning, I was really pushing for Delaware though because it was SO MUCH cheaper and hello, no tax! Since he had the stronger opinion and it was one of the only things he really cared about, though, we ended up getting married in NJ. 

emmyg65

Hmm, I think my biggest compromise was also the engagement ring. I didn't want one because I wanted to put our money toward really nice wedding bands (the marriage means more to me than the engagement). So he proposed with a bracelet, but he still did want to get me a ring. He bought me a very simple, inexpensive silver and peridot one that I just during the engagement.

Other than that, not a biggie, but invitations. We couldn't agree on a favorite. I looked at what must have been hundreds of designs. I felt like my eyes were going to start bleeding if I looked at one more. So we just went with his favorite. I didn't love them, but whatever.

Oh, and I compromised by playing "You Look Wonderful Tonight," by Eric Clapton, for my mom. I hate that song, but when it came on, my dad actually danced with her (the only time he danced all night) and the photos are so sweet it makes me want to cry!

Basically, my advice is that if something's not really going to hurt you (wearing as ring you don't really like for a few months, getting kinda ugly invitations, playing a cheesy song), just let it go. It will make your loved one so happy and that alone is worth it.

blabla89

We had to compromise on the number of guests. FI had to cut most of his fraternity brothers to get down to our target number. I thought this was reasonable, since almost all of the wedding budget is coming out of my savings and there are still more guests from his side than from mine. We also compromised on a first look when he didn't want to see me before the ceremony and I didn't want to pay for drinks and hors d'oeuvres for a full cocktail hour. I didn't really push it - when I added that cost to our budget spreadsheet he said, "Let's just do the first look thing."

FI liked the idea of a HM registry. There was no compromising on that, I absolutely refuse.

ScoutF

H wanted a money dance. I absolutely refused. I had never even heard of it until a few months before. Other than that, we were pretty much in agreement on all decisions. 

Jells2dot0

This is at a much higher level than wedding planning, but I compromised on marrying someone with kids. I do not want kids and I like having the freedom that comes with being childless. It's not really an issue anymore since his kids are now adults, but I REALLY struggled with putting my own agenda aside for awhile. However, I think my situation was a little worse than normal because his ex refused to co-parent and only wanted to do what was best for her. So, I ended up having to block vacation time off a year in advance- with her, not with work- so she knew that she didn't have the kids any additional time than she should. IF we had something come up for work or family, we had to "make up" to visitation time. I even missed DH's gmom's funeral because she refused to have her kid come home a day early.

Maggie0829

The biggest compromise that I made wedding wise was on our venue/location of wedding.  I really wanted to get married on the shore but H did not because he really wanted to make sure that everyone could come and not decline because of location distance.  So H basically picked our venue.  I was happy because he was happy.  In the end I pretty much got everything else I wanted so a venue/location really wasn't a big deal.

Maggie0829

@Jells2dot0 - your H's ex sounds...lovely.

climbingsingle

Venue/location of the wedding. I wanted a DW somewhere tropical with just us and our immediate families. However, now that we're 6 months out, I'm really excited for what we're going ahead with. 

Jells2dot0

Maggie0829 said:

@Jells2dot0 - your H's ex sounds...lovely.

Oh yes, delightful indeed.

FiancB

FI wanted to do a cash bar. I showed him how it's not really that expensive to host so now we will probably have a couple kegs, a couple kinds of wine, and maybe 1-2 signature drinks. I'm actually surprised I pulled this off but now he's pretty excited about it. Phew. 

He really wants a certain song from The Hobbit for part of the ceremony and I think it's weird and foreboding but whatever. I have been on the winning end of most of the compromises and in the end it makes him happy and it's one less thing for me to worry about. At this point we can do a polka for our first dance for all I care. We're 3 months out today and I just want it to get here!

We are currently trying to figure out a honeymoon. I went to a travel agent yesterday and found a resort we could go to in Mexico including everything including flights for $2500. I think that's totally a reasonable amount for a honeymoon and I don't think we'd manage to do much of anything for a whole lot less but he thinks it's still too much. So that's next on the list...

Peaseblossom55

FI doesn't really want favors, he sees them as a waste of money, we have a whole drawer full of wedding favors from weddings we've attended but never used.  So I do kind of understand that.  He just wants to have photo booth. I  kinda wanted to buy some of the plastic frames for photo booth pictures as favors but we'll see. 

lyndausvi

I guess it would be getting married in the states opposed to the islands.  I always dreamed of getting married in the islands.  DH really wanted to get married in the states so family and friends could attend easier.  We knew not too many would have made it to St Thomas.  Some do to finances, others just plain life (kids, vacation time, etc.).

Maggie0829

FiancB said:

FI wanted to do a cash bar. I showed him how it's not really that expensive to host so now we will probably have a couple kegs, a couple kinds of wine, and maybe 1-2 signature drinks. I'm actually surprised I pulled this off but now he's pretty excited about it. Phew. 

He really wants a certain song from The Hobbit for part of the ceremony and I think it's weird and foreboding but whatever. I have been on the winning end of most of the compromises and in the end it makes him happy and it's one less thing for me to worry about. At this point we can do a polka for our first dance for all I care. We're 3 months out today and I just want it to get here!

We are currently trying to figure out a honeymoon. I went to a travel agent yesterday and found a resort we could go to in Mexico including everything including flights for $2500. I think that's totally a reasonable amount for a honeymoon and I don't think we'd manage to do much of anything for a whole lot less but he thinks it's still too much. So that's next on the list...

I think that is an incredible price.  Is that for a week?  I mean two round trip tickets and a week in an AI resort?  It is such a good price!  How much does your FI want to spend?  I really don't know what else or where else you could go and it be less then that, unless you just do a weekend getaway somewhere.

FiancB

It's for 5 days. I went in with a budget in mind of $3k, thinking that's what we spent on a big roadtrip last year. He said well yeah, but we were gone for a month! But we wouldn't have done it for that cheap if we hadn't spent a week or two of it with my parents and if I hadn't cooked so much. And I am NOT cooking on our honeymoon, dammit!

We did a trip to Chicago for about $1500 so I think he might be thinking more along those lines. I don't want to do a trip that we've done before though and I can't really think of anywhere else that's awesome and would be that cheap.

I forgot about colors, too. I really liked fuchsia and orange. But he's partially colorblind so to him the fuchsia looks like a deep grape purple which looks pretty hideous with orange. So now we're doing turquoise and yellow, ha. 

wandajune6

My biggest compromise is one that I pushed on myself. We're going to have a lot of kids at our wedding. His family has tons and their family/cultural etiquette makes it impossible not to have them all included. I also have a lot of family with kids, though it would be easier to exclude them.

I wanted a more elegant wedding and we're giving that up to accommodate kids. It's not the end of the world but it means that we can't have real candles (which I love), that we'll have a lot of guests leave early because of screaming kids, and we'll inevitably have behavior issues. Our venue doesn't have a room available for babysitters, etc. (nor could we really afford to host all of that either) so they'll all be with us.

I love kids, I just didn't want them at my wedding.

emmaaa

FI compromised on the suit he is wearing. He refused to wear a black suit and wanted gray. But I didn't like the way gray looked with the other colors I'm using so we decided on navy. Which I honestly think will look better on him.

I compromised on the honeymoon location. We are getting married in December. I wanted to go to a lodge in the mountains and ski and sit around the fire. FI was totally against it (he is not a huge mountain person, he only likes it for a few days). He wants to go down to Florida and go to the beach. So that's what we're doing.

Other than that, he hasn't complained about any ideas I suggest and they ones he proposes are usually good.

daria24

Having a WP-I just wanted to ask two people to be our witnesses, but H wanted to ask his friend to be Best Man. I figured it didn't really matter if my sister was called MOH or witness. No one had to buy particular attire, they both just wore whatever they wanted. But I still am not a fan of wedding parties. 

jdluvr06

I haven't had to compromise on anything big. We pretty much agreed on all the big things. I did give in to his drink choices though. I just wanted to have wine and beer but he insisted on having an absinthe cocktail available. I caved but I'm pretty sure we are the only ones at the wedding who drink absinthe.

kla728

Colors.  I originally was thinking of blue and purple and he was not having the purple.  He probably just wanted all shades of blue haha.  Then after disagreeing on these colors he got kind of neutral on all options (I think he felt bad).  In the end we landed on blue with gold and red accents, which I think we're both pretty happy on.

We've had to spend time figuring out what it is we want for other items, but there hasn't been anything we've really disagreed on.

pinkcow13

I would say that on the wedding we have been pretty much on the same page. Except for the minor details (the bouquet and garter tosses).

In general, this might sound silly, but we sometimes compromise on what to order from Seamless. FI LOVES Tex-Mex (like from those Asian owned "Mexican food" places). He likes to get fajitas by the pound. I, on the other hand, hate Tex-Mex, and I hate fajitas in general. I love Thai, he hates Thai. He also loves to order from a diner by his job, and I hate diners. So sometimes we argue over what to order, until one of us yells out "compromise!" and suggests something we both like. You would think we would just order what we want separately.... but no lol.

Cookie Pusher

Having a wedding. I wanted (and still want) to elope, just the two of us. He cried. Like, bawled. So yea, I'm having a wedding. But I get to approve any and all expenditures because he cannot be trusted with a credit card. lol

JCbride2015

Cookie Pusher said:

Having a wedding. I wanted (and still want) to elope, just the two of us. He cried. Like, bawled. So yea, I'm having a wedding. But I get to approve any and all expenditures because he cannot be trusted with a credit card. lol

Hahahha this made me smile.  Fi is also way more into the wedding festivities than I am.