Lesbian Bridesmaid

courtneyg421

One of my bridesmaids is possibly a lesbian, but is not offically out.  She has a "BFF" that she met in the last year, and now they are inseparable.  Every time we meet up, the two of them are together.  I feel it's not my place to out her if she is not ready for that.

As a bridesmaid, I of course gave her a plus one.  I assume that she will bring the BFF which is not an issue.  However, there are certain events (a bridal lunch and the wedding day getting ready) that I only want the bridesmaids to attend.  For the other girls, it's a given that their husbands/boyfiends are not invited to these events, but how to I tell this bridesmaid that her friend is not an honorary bridesmaid invited to every facet of the wedding weekend?  I don't even know her last name...she is not a close friend like my bridesmaid is.  But I can't say "girls only"...the real reason is a) i'm paying per head for the lunch, and b) I only want my closest friends and family around during my wedding day prep time.  I like the BFF (i don't have a moral objection such as "she's a deadbeat" or "she's a bad person), but I simply want to keep my group small and exclusive.  It sounds bridezilla-ish as I type it, but am I wrong for wanting her to leave the BFF out for these 2 occasions?  If I'm not way off base, how do I tell her my concerns without making her feel unwanted?

 

beharrington

I was originally worried about this as well as my MOH is a lesbian.  Then I realized that I was over thinking it.  I just invited her to the events and she never asked about bringing her girlfriend.  If she had, I probably would have just said it was for wedding party only.

For the getting ready stuff, if you're going to have tons of other people there, you may need to let that one go.  I swear that I had 20ish people around that morning.  We were at a friend's house and it was fine since it was such a big space.  If my MOH's girlfriend had shown up, I don't think I'd have noticed.  FTR, she didn't bring her cause she said she wanted to spend that morning with me.

banana468

Just say that those events are BP only. BUT, keep in mind that she doesn't have to be at those events either.

ScoutF

Her possibly being in a same sex relationship has nothing to do with the topic at hand. Understand that your BM isn't required to be at these events, but when the invitation is extended, let her know it's for the BP.  

Maggie0829

Um I doubt she would assume that she can bring her "BFF" to everything.  For the lunch you invite the people that you want there so you would just invite your BM, not her "BFF".  As for the day of the wedding, again, I don't know many BMs that would think it okay to bring a friend or their SO over when everyone is getting ready.  Typically the SOs are happy to stay home and get ready when they want and will just see their other half at the wedding.

HisGirlFriday13

courtneyg421 said:

One of my bridesmaids is possibly a lesbian, but is not offically out.  She has a "BFF" that she met in the last year, and now they are inseparable.  Every time we meet up, the two of them are together.  I feel it's not my place to out her if she is not ready for that.

As a bridesmaid, I of course gave her a plus one.  I assume that she will bring the BFF which is not an issue.  However, there are certain events (a bridal lunch and the wedding day getting ready) that I only want the bridesmaids to attend.  For the other girls, it's a given that their husbands/boyfiends are not invited to these events, but how to I tell this bridesmaid that her friend is not an honorary bridesmaid invited to every facet of the wedding weekend?  I don't even know her last name...she is not a close friend like my bridesmaid is.  But I can't say "girls only"...the real reason is a) i'm paying per head for the lunch, and b) I only want my closest friends and family around during my wedding day prep time.  I like the BFF (i don't have a moral objection such as "she's a deadbeat" or "she's a bad person), but I simply want to keep my group small and exclusive.  It sounds bridezilla-ish as I type it, but am I wrong for wanting her to leave the BFF out for these 2 occasions?  If I'm not way off base, how do I tell her my concerns without making her feel unwanted?

 

You're right that you can't say, 'Girls only.' But you can say, 'This is a by-invitation-only event.'

You simply invite her, by name, to these events, and you make it clear they're wedding-related. 

Ex., say to her, 'Friend, the BMs are going to start getting ready at X times, but of course their dates don't have to be there until Y time, so you can tell Partner that she doesn't need to arrive until Y time.'

For the BM luncheon or tea or whatever, just invite everyone in very specific WR-language: 'I'm looking forward to getting together with all of you for the luncheon on X date. It'll be so much fun to have a BM-only event, to just chill and hang out.'

You're not wrong for wanting to keep events you are hosting to a list of people you want to invite. The gender and sexual identity of the people involved is irrelevant. 

Take her sexual orientation out of it -- what if it were a GM's new GF who wanted to hang out with the girls while you all were getting ready? No one would side-eye you for excluding her; this is no different. 

You have to invite SOs to the wedding. You don't have to include them in WP-only pre-wedding events.

JaxInBlue

Be specific when you issue invitations for these events that they are for members of the bridal party.  This may mean you need to be slightly more formal that you'd planned - the difference between "let's do lunch Saturday" and "I'd love to take you, Bridesmaid A, and Bridesmaid B out to lunch on Saturday to thank you for standing up with me on my wedding day." 

But an invitation to do these things isn't a summons and she isn't required to participate in either if she doesn't want to leave her BFF alone.  In that case, for the morning of, just let her know what time you need her for pictures or to be at your venue, at which point I don't think it matters if the BFF comes or not.

For the record, too, I don't think her BFF's gender has anything to do with this.  I'd feel the same way if the hang-around friend was male, truly platonic or whatnot. 

grumbledore

courtneyg421 said:

One of my bridesmaids is possibly a lesbian, but is not offically out.  She has a "BFF" that she met in the last year, and now they are inseparable.  Every time we meet up, the two of them are together.  I feel it's not my place to out her if she is not ready for that.

As a bridesmaid, I of course gave her a plus one.  I assume that she will bring the BFF which is not an issue.  However, there are certain events (a bridal lunch and the wedding day getting ready) that I only want the bridesmaids to attend.  For the other girls, it's a given that their husbands/boyfiends are not invited to these events, but how to I tell this bridesmaid that her friend is not an honorary bridesmaid invited to every facet of the wedding weekend?  I don't even know her last name...she is not a close friend like my bridesmaid is.  But I can't say "girls only"...the real reason is a) i'm paying per head for the lunch, and b) I only want my closest friends and family around during my wedding day prep time.  I like the BFF (i don't have a moral objection such as "she's a deadbeat" or "she's a bad person), but I simply want to keep my group small and exclusive.  It sounds bridezilla-ish as I type it, but am I wrong for wanting her to leave the BFF out for these 2 occasions?  If I'm not way off base, how do I tell her my concerns without making her feel unwanted?

 

I wouldn't assume she would think her friend/SO was invited to any events that she wasn't expressly invited to.  I think you are overthinking this.  If she asks if she can tag along to something like a private lunch, just say it's only for the wedding party.

Jen4948

When you issue invitations that are wedding-party-only, tell this bridesmaid that they are for the wedding party only.

LondonLisa

Firstly, is the only thing you are basing this assumption on the fact that she has a close female friend that she hangs out with a lot? 

My answer is based on the assumption that isn't the case: you treat this woman just as if you would treat any of your other BM's who tried to bring a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/whoever to WP only events. At events that are WP only, you invite only her. At events where couples will be there, it would be nice if you asked her "Jane, would you like to bring a guest, such as Susan, to the reception?". You care about her enough to have her be in your WP, maybe just be a bit flexible on this. It might be a very stressful time, and she might be worried of how others will react. 

I would also ask just her out to a coffee/glass of wine/ walk/ whatever just you two and not talk about the wedding, so you guys can catch up and you can actually hear about her life. I'm definitely NOT saying you should hint at her orientation or anything or get her to try and "confess" anything! If she is navigating the world of deciding to come out, she may need a supportive friend more than ever. If she is not, it will be a good chance for you to have fun with a friend!

Danger+Zone

beharrington said:

I was originally worried about this as well as my MOH is a lesbian.  Then I realized that I was over thinking it.  I just invited her to the events and she never asked about bringing her girlfriend.  If she had, I probably would have just said it was for wedding party only.

This! Don't over think it. Just say wedding party only.

mbross3

I agree you're overthinking this. Just indicate it's a WP only event. Being a lesbian does not mean that someone automatically assumes she can bring her gf/partner with her just because they're the same gender! 

[Deleted User]

I agree, but if by chance the BFF isn't able to attend the wedding unless she travels with BM then you may need to reconsider (just day of activities). The only reason I bring this up is that for my wedding, one of the GM, his GF doesn't drive and due to timing, it wouldn't have worked for him to meet up with the guys for GM breakfast, then go get her & then go back to the house to meet up with everyone to catch the limo to the church (he didn't want to have to drive himself to the church). So given the situation that we didn't want to say, tough that she doesn't drive so she can't come to the wedding then, we just included her in the GM breakfast & she got ready at the house in a seperate room from the guys.

courtneyg421

I agree that I need to be direct. My concerns stem from the dress fitting for the BMs when she brought the friend even though I thought I had made it clear it was a WP kind of event. It just feels strange to share these more intimate moments with a person I hardly know. But the very complicated issue is to tell her this without her feeling like I assume that she would bring her. .. Because what if they are just close friends and not an item? I really don't want to force the issue of "what's going on with you two? "

CMGragain

courtneyg421 said:

I agree that I need to be direct. My concerns stem from the dress fitting for the BMs when she brought the friend even though I thought I had made it clear it was a WP kind of event. It just feels strange to share these more intimate moments with a person I hardly know. But the very complicated issue is to tell her this without her feeling like I assume that she would bring her. .. Because what if they are just close friends and not an item? I really don't want to force the issue of "what's going on with you two? "

What is going on between them is none of your business.  You treat them as you would any two friends.

JellyBean52513

courtneyg421 said:

I agree that I need to be direct. My concerns stem from the dress fitting for the BMs when she brought the friend even though I thought I had made it clear it was a WP kind of event. It just feels strange to share these more intimate moments with a person I hardly know. But the very complicated issue is to tell her this without her feeling like I assume that she would bring her. .. Because what if they are just close friends and not an item? I really don't want to force the issue of "what's going on with you two? "

Did she tell you she was bringing BFF, or did they just show up together? Was BFF the only non-WP person at the fitting? I think I'd also find it strange to have one of my BMs show up to something that's so specifically WP-related with another person, especially if that other person was the only "outsider" and I had no idea they were coming. This is applicable whether or not that other person is a friend, a sibling, a partner, whatever.

For future WP events, tell your BM "The bridal party is going to get together on this day at this time for this event. Let me know by xx if you'd like to come, so I have a clear head count." If she tries to add on her BFF, just say "I'm sorry, but this event is just for the bridal party. Let me know if that changes things for you."

If this BFF is, in fact, a partner then your BM will have to get used to navigating this new relationship on her own, and that includes learning that your partner isn't automatically invited everywhere you go (even though they're the same gender and would "fit in"). If she's just a super close friend, then she also needs to accept that her tag-along isn't welcome with her everywhere she goes.  These things, however, are not your concern. This is part of her personal life and her thing to deal with. You just focus on being a good friend and gracious host, which means setting fair parameters for BP-only events.

Maggie0829

courtneyg421 said:

I agree that I need to be direct. My concerns stem from the dress fitting for the BMs when she brought the friend even though I thought I had made it clear it was a WP kind of event. It just feels strange to share these more intimate moments with a person I hardly know. But the very complicated issue is to tell her this without her feeling like I assume that she would bring her. .. Because what if they are just close friends and not an item? I really don't want to force the issue of "what's going on with you two? "

I'm sorry but I don't consider a BM dress fitting as an intimate moment.  Maybe they were already out for the day so they stopped by for the fitting.  Or maybe they had plans for after the fitting so they just thought it smart to come together so that your BM didn't have to go back and pick up her friend (saving some drive time).

ScoutF

I still fail to see why her sexual preference has anything to do with this. 

HisGirlFriday13

courtneyg421 said:

I agree that I need to be direct. My concerns stem from the dress fitting for the BMs when she brought the friend even though I thought I had made it clear it was a WP kind of event. It just feels strange to share these more intimate moments with a person I hardly know. But the very complicated issue is to tell her this without her feeling like I assume that she would bring her. .. Because what if they are just close friends and not an item? I really don't want to force the issue of "what's going on with you two? "

This is valid. If you had made it clear that it was a WP-only event (and I think it's reasonable to think dress fittings are going to be by-invitation-only, because having more people than you wanted/invited there is really just adding to the chaos.

And I disagree with Maggie -- I think that fittings are inherently 'by invitation only.' I don't care if you were out shopping with your BFF beforehand, she can find something else to do for an hour or so while you get fitted.

I think that, given that there is a precedent of her bring BFF along, you'd be within your rights to say to her, after you plan/schedule the next WP-only event, 'Friend, just so you know, I'm keeping this event to WP-only, just the BMs,

Her possible sexual orientation doesn't matter; the fact she's bringing non-invited people to an invite-only event does.

I do agree with the PP who said you might have to make concessions the day-of in terms of them driving and whatnot, but that's a ways off.

Maggie0829

HisGirlFriday13 said:

courtneyg421 said:

I agree that I need to be direct. My concerns stem from the dress fitting for the BMs when she brought the friend even though I thought I had made it clear it was a WP kind of event. It just feels strange to share these more intimate moments with a person I hardly know. But the very complicated issue is to tell her this without her feeling like I assume that she would bring her. .. Because what if they are just close friends and not an item? I really don't want to force the issue of "what's going on with you two? "

This is valid. If you had made it clear that it was a WP-only event (and I think it's reasonable to think dress fittings are going to be by-invitation-only, because having more people than you wanted/invited there is really just adding to the chaos.

And I disagree with Maggie -- I think that fittings are inherently 'by invitation only.' I don't care if you were out shopping with your BFF beforehand, she can find something else to do for an hour or so while you get fitted.

I think that, given that there is a precedent of her bring BFF along, you'd be within your rights to say to her, after you plan/schedule the next WP-only event, 'Friend, just so you know, I'm keeping this event to WP-only, just the BMs,

Her possible sexual orientation doesn't matter; the fact she's bringing non-invited people to an invite-only event does.

I do agree with the PP who said you might have to make concessions the day-of in terms of them driving and whatnot, but that's a ways off.

I guess my circle doesn't take things that seriously and we also don't set up times for fittings.  We only set up times to look at dresses and pick one and it is assumed that it is just the wedding party and maybe the MOB...no invite only is necessary.  Fittings are usually done separately and certainly not with the bride.  So unless OP meant fittings to mean picking out the dress then I think the whole fitting appointment as a group is just plain stupid to begin with.

OP, none of this has anything to do with your friends sexual orientation.  It only has to do with the fact that she feels like she can bring this friend wherever she wants regardless.  I know heterosexual couples who do this so it being a same sex couple really has no bearing.

HisGirlFriday13

Maybe it is a circle thing. My friends have always scheduled appointments to try on/pick dresses, and get fitted, and it's always been very clear that the only people who should be there are the ones who need to be there -- people getting fitted and/or buying dresses. That was the fitting appointment I thought the OP was referring to.

Either way, yes, her sexual orientation is irrelevant. She doesn't get to bring her BFF/GF/whomever wherever she wants with her. Gay or straight, you don't get to bring your partner along all the time.

phira

Yeah, the bridesmaid's sexuality is irrelevant.

If her friend/girlfriend (I don't want to assume the person is her girlfriend, but I also don't want to minimize the relationship--lots of people try to desexualize same-sex relationships by referring to partners as "friends") comes to another wedding party only event, it's okay to say something. But just keep it neutral. "Hey [bridesmaid], I'm really sorry for the miscommunication, but this was meant to be a wedding party only get-together. I'll make sure that Mary isn't left out, but next time, please ask me before bringing her with you."

HisGirlFriday13

phira said:

Yeah, the bridesmaid's sexuality is irrelevant.

If her friend/girlfriend (I don't want to assume the person is her girlfriend, but I also don't want to minimize the relationship--lots of people try to desexualize same-sex relationships by referring to partners as "friends") comes to another wedding party only event, it's okay to say something. But just keep it neutral. "Hey [bridesmaid], I'm really sorry for the miscommunication, but this was meant to be a wedding party only get-together. I'll make sure that Mary isn't left out, but next time, please ask me before bringing her with you."

@phira -- just to play devil's advocate, and also because I'm genuinely curious, how can a relationship that hasn't been officially announced be minimised?

I totally get what you're saying in that classifying known same-sex relationships as 'friendships' is patronising and demeaning (DH's grandmother still refers to me as 'Grandson's special friend.' Uhm, no. I am his WIFE!), but I think that only applies where a relationship has been established and announced.

In this case, I think to over-emphasize it, and to categorise it as a relationship when no one has called it that, would be just as disrespectful as to minimise it and call it 'just a friendship' when it's more than that.

I think a lot of this comes down to people not being mind-readers. I would never knowingly minimise or demean someone's relationship, but I also don't assume that every time one of my gay male friends starts spending a lot of time with another man, that he's in a relationship with this new man. They could absolutely be just platonic friends, and it's really none of my business whether they are or aren't (unless I'm inviting them over to dinner, in which case, I do need to know if they're a couple).

phira

HisGirlFriday13 said:

phira said:

Yeah, the bridesmaid's sexuality is irrelevant.

If her friend/girlfriend (I don't want to assume the person is her girlfriend, but I also don't want to minimize the relationship--lots of people try to desexualize same-sex relationships by referring to partners as "friends") comes to another wedding party only event, it's okay to say something. But just keep it neutral. "Hey [bridesmaid], I'm really sorry for the miscommunication, but this was meant to be a wedding party only get-together. I'll make sure that Mary isn't left out, but next time, please ask me before bringing her with you."

@phira -- just to play devil's advocate, and also because I'm genuinely curious, how can a relationship that hasn't been officially announced be minimised?

I totally get what you're saying in that classifying known same-sex relationships as 'friendships' is patronising and demeaning (DH's grandmother still refers to me as 'Grandson's special friend.' Uhm, no. I am his WIFE!), but I think that only applies where a relationship has been established and announced.

In this case, I think to over-emphasize it, and to categorise it as a relationship when no one has called it that, would be just as disrespectful as to minimise it and call it 'just a friendship' when it's more than that.

I think a lot of this comes down to people not being mind-readers. I would never knowingly minimise or demean someone's relationship, but I also don't assume that every time one of my gay male friends starts spending a lot of time with another man, that he's in a relationship with this new man. They could absolutely be just platonic friends, and it's really none of my business whether they are or aren't (unless I'm inviting them over to dinner, in which case, I do need to know if they're a couple).

I honestly totally agree with you. Because the OP isn't a mind-reader, she's caught in a weird spot where she doesn't want to assume that her friend is in a relationship with this woman, and where she doesn't want to come off as unwelcoming/not accepting if her friend IS in a relationship. Mix in the fact that it's not entirely her business to ask, and yeah, it's a mess.

My distinction was to show that I'm not sure either and don't want to be presumptive/minimizing in my post.

courtneyg421

Although I love my bridesmaid, she isn't the most tactful person in the world, hence my concern.  I don't want to deal with any drama on the wedding weekend, so I just want to figure out how to tell everyone that certain events are invitation only without drawing unneccessary attention to their status.  I would feel exactly the same if one of my BMs wanted to bring their child or male SO to these events.  But some people get offended when you start dicating things like this to them...and I do not want to be in the moment and say something childish like "this is my weekend and everyone has to do what i say!"  I'm just trying to think ahead and be as gracious as possible to all of my guests, while still having the wedding moments I envision.  Maggie0829, I imagine that you have certain things that you envision going a certain way, and you will take steps to help make sure it goes as planned.

courtneyg421

phira said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

phira said:

Yeah, the bridesmaid's sexuality is irrelevant.

If her friend/girlfriend (I don't want to assume the person is her girlfriend, but I also don't want to minimize the relationship--lots of people try to desexualize same-sex relationships by referring to partners as "friends") comes to another wedding party only event, it's okay to say something. But just keep it neutral. "Hey [bridesmaid], I'm really sorry for the miscommunication, but this was meant to be a wedding party only get-together. I'll make sure that Mary isn't left out, but next time, please ask me before bringing her with you."

@phira -- just to play devil's advocate, and also because I'm genuinely curious, how can a relationship that hasn't been officially announced be minimised?

I totally get what you're saying in that classifying known same-sex relationships as 'friendships' is patronising and demeaning (DH's grandmother still refers to me as 'Grandson's special friend.' Uhm, no. I am his WIFE!), but I think that only applies where a relationship has been established and announced.

In this case, I think to over-emphasize it, and to categorise it as a relationship when no one has called it that, would be just as disrespectful as to minimise it and call it 'just a friendship' when it's more than that.

I think a lot of this comes down to people not being mind-readers. I would never knowingly minimise or demean someone's relationship, but I also don't assume that every time one of my gay male friends starts spending a lot of time with another man, that he's in a relationship with this new man. They could absolutely be just platonic friends, and it's really none of my business whether they are or aren't (unless I'm inviting them over to dinner, in which case, I do need to know if they're a couple).

I honestly totally agree with you. Because the OP isn't a mind-reader, she's caught in a weird spot where she doesn't want to assume that her friend is in a relationship with this woman, and where she doesn't want to come off as unwelcoming/not accepting if her friend IS in a relationship. Mix in the fact that it's not entirely her business to ask, and yeah, it's a mess.

My distinction was to show that I'm not sure either and don't want to be presumptive/minimizing in my post.

Exactly...I'm trying to be a good friend while not compromising what's important to me during my wedding.  It seems that most people agree that it's not unreasonable to exclude non-members of the BP.  I'll just make sure she understands that some events are not plus ones, and that she needs to make other arrangements for the BFF while she is on bridesmaid duty. 

QueerFemme

courtneyg421 said:

Although I love my bridesmaid, she isn't the most tactful person in the world, hence my concern.  I don't want to deal with any drama on the wedding weekend, so I just want to figure out how to tell everyone that certain events are invitation only without drawing unneccessary attention to their status.  I would feel exactly the same if one of my BMs wanted to bring their child or male SO to these events.  But some people get offended when you start dicating things like this to them...and I do not want to be in the moment and say something childish like "this is my weekend and everyone has to do what i say!"  I'm just trying to think ahead and be as gracious as possible to all of my guests, while still having the wedding moments I envision.  Maggie0829, I imagine that you have certain things that you envision going a certain way, and you will take steps to help make sure it goes as planned.

It's actually pretty easy, if you are direct. "Hey, I'm going to take out all of my bridesmaids for lunch on Saturday, April 18th.  I hope you can make it".    "for when we are getting ready for the wedding, it's just going to be the folks in the wedding party in the suite.  Of course, you have a plus one for the wedding itself, but I just want it to be us for when we are getting ready.  Of course, if you want to just show up in time for photos before the wedding, and get ready at home. That's ok too".

Maggie0829

courtneyg421 said:

Although I love my bridesmaid, she isn't the most tactful person in the world, hence my concern.  I don't want to deal with any drama on the wedding weekend, so I just want to figure out how to tell everyone that certain events are invitation only without drawing unneccessary attention to their status.  I would feel exactly the same if one of my BMs wanted to bring their child or male SO to these events.  But some people get offended when you start dicating things like this to them...and I do not want to be in the moment and say something childish like "this is my weekend and everyone has to do what i say!"  I'm just trying to think ahead and be as gracious as possible to all of my guests, while still having the wedding moments I envision.  Maggie0829, I imagine that you have certain things that you envision going a certain way, and you will take steps to help make sure it goes as planned.

So does that mean that the fitting appointment was just to fit the dresses or was it a try on dresses and pick which one we all like kind of thing.  Depending on what it was will result in different answers from me on what I think.

But if it just was about getting the dresses fitted, I think having a group outing for something like that is silly no matter if the BM brought her friend or not.

But there is nothing wrong telling people "hey this is a wedding party thing."  I really don't get why you are harping on the fact that this BM may or may not be in a same sex relationship because it really doesn't matter what her status is because it should be dealt with the same as an opposite sex relationship.

courtneyg421

@Maggie0829 This was my one opportunity to have them all try on different dresses so we could narrow it down to the one.  They will go individual to get the right size and purchase their dresses. It was awkward when my mother asked "Why didn't Mary try any dresses on?"  It just wasn't the kind of thing you bring your buddy to, and it made me feel awkward having someone there who was not a bridesmaid.  I'm sure she understands that there would be no reason she would be in the wedding, but the more events that she comes to, the more I feel awkward.  For example, when I'm giving out the bridesmaid gifts, I don't want to have that awkward moment where I don't give her one. 

You're right, it doesn't matter that this is a same sex relationship, but it is weird to have 6 girls in the BP, and one of them brings a friend everywhere.  It just makes it a bit tougher in my mind to draw that line since the friend is a female and wouldn't be excluded for the typical reasons "the guys are going golfing while we go to lunch"...or "no guys can watch me get into my wedding dress, so your SO isn't invited."

QueerFemme

courtneyg421 said:

@Maggie0829 This was my one opportunity to have them all try on different dresses so we could narrow it down to the one.  They will go individual to get the right size and purchase their dresses. It was awkward when my mother asked "Why didn't Mary try any dresses on?"  It just wasn't the kind of thing you bring your buddy to, and it made me feel awkward having someone there who was not a bridesmaid.  I'm sure she understands that there would be no reason she would be in the wedding, but the more events that she comes to, the more I feel awkward.  For example, when I'm giving out the bridesmaid gifts, I don't want to have that awkward moment where I don't give her one. 

You're right, it doesn't matter that this is a same sex relationship, but it is weird to have 6 girls in the BP, and one of them brings a friend everywhere.  It just makes it a bit tougher in my mind to draw that line since the friend is a female and wouldn't be excluded for the typical reasons "the guys are going golfing while we go to lunch"...or "no guys can watch me get into my wedding dress, so your SO isn't invited."

I'm sorry, but that is ridiculous.  Just because her partner (assuming you are right, and this is her partner) has a vagina and not a penis, doesn't mean they become one person and you don't need a reason to say that you want to spend time with your friend without her spouse.   

Maybe this is an issue of you just needing to start spending time with their friends without an excuse. (oh, the guys are golfing, so we have downtime).  How much do you want to bet that the guys say "Hey, you wanna go golfing?" without needing an excuse that their wives/girlfriends are going to be busy. 

There doesn't need to be a line drawn.  "Hey, I'd like to spend some time with you.  Wanna go see a movie, just you & me?" or any variation thereof.    

Maggie0829

courtneyg421 said:

@Maggie0829 This was my one opportunity to have them all try on different dresses so we could narrow it down to the one.  They will go individual to get the right size and purchase their dresses. It was awkward when my mother asked "Why didn't Mary try any dresses on?"  It just wasn't the kind of thing you bring your buddy to, and it made me feel awkward having someone there who was not a bridesmaid.  I'm sure she understands that there would be no reason she would be in the wedding, but the more events that she comes to, the more I feel awkward.  For example, when I'm giving out the bridesmaid gifts, I don't want to have that awkward moment where I don't give her one. 

You're right, it doesn't matter that this is a same sex relationship, but it is weird to have 6 girls in the BP, and one of them brings a friend everywhere.  It just makes it a bit tougher in my mind to draw that line since the friend is a female and wouldn't be excluded for the typical reasons "the guys are going golfing while we go to lunch"...or "no guys can watch me get into my wedding dress, so your SO isn't invited."

Ok, it was just kind of confusing because you used the word fitting, sorry for the misunderstanding.  In your situation I can understand the awkwardness especially because it was a surprise.  But if I were you I wouldn't let her attendance get to you or make you feel awkward, but I would make sure that your friend knows which places are okay and not okay to bring her friend in regards to wedding party events.  But I am sure that this persons friend does not think she is in the wedding party or deserves a BM gift so do not worry about that.  If she does think that then that is her issue not yours.

Honestly, I have opposite sex couples where they think it is okay to bring their SO to everything whether they were invited or not so this may just be the case with your friend.  I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that your BMs "friend" is a woman.  Next time you have something that is wedding party only just let your BM know it.