Annoyed and FH doesn't agree.

abbyj700

Wow...I love a good shit show. To the OP:

1) Don't address the envelopes the way they are asking - but you already knew that.

2) It's horribly rude to kick someone out of your wedding party

3) It's childish to lie about WHY you are doing it.

4) Both you and your FI are to blame - he asked, you supported him unasking - it's on both of you.

5) If you can't tell a friend they can't be on heroin for your wedding day - something is wrong.

6) Trashy fits you just fine - no need to justify it.

artbyallie

It's okay to curse. Not okay to call people bad names, no matter if those names are G- or X-rated.

MegTrashy

Jets are cooled. Hope to be good friends.

MegTrashy

@abbyj700 Agreed something is wrong. He's an addict its not that easy. 

I don't think you guys realize how serious a drug Heroin is. people just can't not use it. They get physically ill if its not constantly in their system. So if I asked him to not be on it one of two things would happen, he'd show up sweating and vomiting, or not show up. I don't know about you guys but I'm not comfortable not having someone from the wedding party not show up. This would cause a fight between FI and I. I would demand he unfriend him, and I know FI doesn't have the heart to do so. 

abbyj700

MegTrashy said:

@abbyj700 Agreed something is wrong. He's an addict its not that easy. 

I don't think you guys realize how serious a drug Heroin is. people just can't not use it. They get physically ill if its not constantly in their system. So if I asked him to not be on it one of two things would happen, he'd show up sweating and vomiting, or not show up. I don't know about you guys but I'm not comfortable not having someone from the wedding party not show up. This would cause a fight between FI and I. I would demand he unfriend him, and I know FI doesn't have the heart to do so. 

I don't chose to hang out with people who I KNOW have heroin addictions. I do this because I am very aware of how serious of a drug this is. Your'e right - he can't just up and quit one day, most addicts can't. They need treatment. You enabling him and supporting his use, getting black out drunk with him, etc - is not you helping. If you telling him he cannot do heroin at your wedding will result in him not coming - GOOD. You as friends should encourage him to get help - but that is all you can do. 

HisGirlFriday13

MegTrashy said: @abbyj700 Agreed something is wrong. He's an addict its not that easy. 
I don't think you guys realize how serious a drug Heroin is. people just can't not use it. They get physically ill if its not constantly in their system. So if I asked him to not be on it one of two things would happen, he'd show up sweating and vomiting, or not show up. I don't know about you guys but I'm not comfortable not having someone from the wedding party not show up. This would cause a fight between FI and I. I would demand he unfriend him, and I know FI doesn't have the heart to do so.  __________________________
My husband's sister is a heroin addict. We didn't invite her to the wedding because of her addiction.

She got high at Christmas and was sick all over the bathroom at his grandmother's house. We have refused, since then, to see her, under any circumstances.

I do realise how serious an addiction heroin is. I also realise that the best way to handle addicts is to cut them off entirely, tough love, and not enable them. 

MegTrashy said:

@HisGirlFriday13 I've come to realize I'm a cunt in your eyes no matter the reasons behind what's done so that's fine. It was 6 months ago. The last time we saw the guy was three months after that. It was a party we all happened to be attending FI only seen him twice since the the initial invitation once again at another party and the 2nd being last week when he went to the guys house to break the news to him. So yes we have distanced ourselves. And he hadn't purchased any groomsmen attire yet. So he's not out any money.

This is blatantly false. I never once called you a cunt, or implied that you are one. I said your behaviour and actions were rude -- and quite frankly, the reasons behind WHY you did rude things is irrelevant. It's still rude. 

Kicking him out is a friendship-ending move, but it sounds like that's what you want to do anyway, so go ahead and do it.

But don't come blowing into a forum where you haven't been an active participant and start name-calling and being rude. That's not going to fly here. 

ETA: WTF happened to my quote boxes, TK??

MegTrashy

@HisGirlFriday13 I apologized for the name calling. It was totally inappropriate. I just said that because it seems no matter what I say or do you don't like my answers. 

I think what most bothers me is yes its rude to kick someone out of your wedding, But aren't there loopholes to this??? Is being a irresponsible drug addict enough of a reason to not want someone in your wedding? Its not like I didn't want him in it because I didn't like his shoes. This is a serious problem, and I don't even want him at the wedding because Im positive he will use there. (he smokes it) Your right I did want to kick this guy out Hoping it would the end of the friendship. I don't think its going to work. Ive tried to be conniving, and its not working. No I don't like going this route, Im not this much of an asshole in real life. I agree were enabling him but FI doesn't think thats the case. The guy knows where were getting married and when so inviting him not to come won't work either, They'll show up thinking their invite is lost in the mail. The girl is so delusional she was telling the other friends in the group that my FI's best man where her BF and my FI's other friend. Its his brother and everyone knows that.  Every time he does something flakey and ugh I say to FI why do you even still talk to this guy??? WHY?!?! and he's says Because he's always had my back and ill always have his. 

HisGirlFriday13

MegTrashy said:

@HisGirlFriday13 I apologized for the name calling. It was totally inappropriate. I just said that because it seems no matter what I say or do you don't like my answers. 

I think what most bothers me is yes its rude to kick someone out of your wedding, But aren't there loopholes to this??? Is being a irresponsible drug addict enough of a reason to not want someone in your wedding? Its not like I didn't want him in it because I didn't like his shoes. This is a serious problem, and I don't even want him at the wedding because Im positive he will use there. (he smokes it) Your right I did want to kick this guy out Hoping it would the end of the friendship. I don't think its going to work. Ive tried to be conniving, and its not working. No I don't like going this route, Im not this much of an asshole in real life. I agree were enabling him but FI doesn't think thats the case. The guy knows where were getting married and when so inviting him not to come won't work either, They'll show up thinking their invite is lost in the mail. The girl is so delusional she was telling the other friends in the group that my FI's best man where her BF and my FI's other friend. Its his brother and everyone knows that.  Every time he does something flakey and ugh I say to FI why do you even still talk to this guy??? WHY?!?! and he's says Because he's always had my back and ill always have his. 

I'm always going to disagree with being rude, so as long as you post rude things, yes, I'm going to dislike your answers. 

Someone being an irresponsible drug addict absolutely is enough of a reason not to want someone in your wedding -- or even at your wedding, which is why my husband's sister wasn't invited to our wedding at all. 

But it sounds like you have a FI problem, because it sounds like you and he aren't on the same page when it comes to this person, this friendship, and this person's role in your lives. 

Your final statement is really, really troubling -- your FI should have YOUR back, and it doesn't sound like he does. 

I agree with the poster from a few pages ago who said that she would never talk about her DH like you talk about your FI. I love my husband, even when he drives me crazy, but even when he's on my last nerve (like he is right now about packing for our upcoming vacation), I would NEVER disrespect him the way you disrespected your FI on this thread.

Forget about the wedding for now -- you two need couples' counselling.

MegTrashy

Im sorry you ladies feel I have disrespected him, That wasn't my intention. I agree relationships are some work but I don't think its as serious as counseling, at least for us. This wedding has made us not on the same page. I don't feel that he doesn't not have my back thats why he agreed to not having him in the wedding. He feels to guilty disinviting him.  Its just aggravating he won't give on anything else. We really don't fight, and were the best of friends, this is the most we've fought about something ever. Im tired of fighting. I don't know what else to do guys. 

Inkdancer

Fighting happens sometimes. And going to counseling doesn't make you bad people in a bad relationship--it just means that maybe you need someone to help you see each other's point of view.

I'm just concerned because it seems like you're extremely upset by this situation, and your FI seems willing to prioritize a heroin addict over his future wife. In that situation I'd probably say disrespectful things too. But you guys have got to find a way to talk about this and work it out so that you can be on the same page.

Your friend's addiction is going to be a struggle for him for the rest of his life. You and your FI have to have solidarity in how you'll handle him--whether it's cutting him out of your life, limiting contact, or pushing him into rehab with some tough love--or your relationship will break apart. A professional who is not involved in the situation may be able to offer insight that we can't.

MegTrashy

Thanks @inkdancer. Maybe we should talk to someone in how to deal with him as a friend. Maybe our little group can discuss what we want to do. I know all the rest of ladies take my stand and we all have limited the contact greatly. We've stopped inviting them places. Theres only two guys out of the whole group who talk to him FI and his other buddy. He doesn't place this guys feeling over mine. He is just asking me to see his side. I also haven't stressed enough how much I don't want this guy are our wedding because I know how guilty FI feels about kicking him out. Maybe thats my bad, he thinks I just think he's a loser. I stress other things like why do you even talk to him he's a flake he's too into his drugs, he's not being a friend. That kind of stuff. 

@HisGirlFriday13 I never said they got black out drunk. I said we were at a party and he got wasted. (I'm not a drinker so I consider anyone drunk wasted obviously  that was the wrong choice of words) FI already knew what he did when we got in the car to leave I stated as much as him telling me as soon as the doors closed. "Babe, I fucked up." those were his exact words to me. When FI drinks he gets friendly, and talks. 

He's really a sweetheart and Im sorry this incident makes us seem like mean people

KGold80

I am not inviting my brother to my wedding because he is manipulative, passive-aggressive, and a meth user.

you and your FI clearly have some issues that need to be addressed. If he is allowing his friend to drive a wedge between the two of you, that is a major red flag. Ignoring the elephant in the room is not going to make it go away.

MegTrashy

The guy might not show up I could be stressing for nothing. 

MegTrashy

I agree we need to discuss this friend though. I won't deny that. He's not a wedge yet. Its only been an issue for the last month. He's admitted to me his use has gotten BAD thats why its now an issue this is why he decided now that he can't be in the wedding. Now its issue because I'm like ok so why is he your friend then. And why is he coming. Its kind of too late the invites are out. 

MegTrashy

@KGold80 I havent spoken to my brother in 3 years. He's never met FI and we've been together almost 7 years. He's such a tool. I can't even speak to him without screaming at him. He doesn't even know Im getting married. Our relationship has always been strained, we were really close for a time but he's to angry with my father for divorcing his mother and remarrying mine and having us girls. He takes it out on me and my sisters, when he should be angry at my father (which he shouldn't even be that, it was my brother who wanted to stop coming around because he wasn't an only child with all the attention at our house). 

HisGirlFriday13

MegTrashy said:

Im sorry you ladies feel I have disrespected him, That wasn't my intention. I agree relationships are some work but I don't think its as serious as counseling, at least for us. This wedding has made us not on the same page. I don't feel that he doesn't not have my back thats why he agreed to not having him in the wedding. He feels to guilty disinviting him.  Its just aggravating he won't give on anything else. We really don't fight, and were the best of friends, this is the most we've fought about something ever. Im tired of fighting. I don't know what else to do guys. 

First of all, please don't disrespect people who do seek counselling by saying, 'it's not serious enough for counselling.' A lot of us have been in therapy, either alone or with our FIs/DHs, and a lot of us have found it's helpful. It's not just serious problems that land you in therapy -- it's the little problems that, left alone, become the big problems, too.

I really, really, REALLY think you and he need to find a neutral third party -- counsellor, priest, minister, whomever -- about the fact that you AREN'T on the same page about this wedding. It's not even about the guy anymore, it's that you're both so firmly entrenched on your respective sides -- his that this guy needs to be invited, you that this guy needs to be disinvited -- that you're not willing to compromise or give a little.

MegTrashy

@HisGirlFriady13 Oh I didn't mean any disrespect by counseling at all. Im sorry that came across that way. I apologize if I offended you or anyone else. Your right the little things do turn big. 

Im the one whose given in on the guy. I didn't want to but I have. I agree we should probably have a third party discuss the friendship and its future after the wedding. I don't want someone like this around. He's already been invited. I do feel horrible about kicking him out so much so I was tempted to put him back in but I just can't. If it was my way they wouldn't even be friends. Thats his friend, its at the point where I have nothing to do with either him or his GF, and if they're around were all civil to them (the rest of the ladies in our group ad I). I haven't seen them in months. 

Emmy1493

MegTrashy said:

@katwag @RedJacks25 @zitiqueen @mbross3 @kGold80 @Pandemonia @grumbledore @HisGirlFriday13 @Scout F @AshleyNichole1218 @Cookie Pusher @larrygaga @missax @Simplyfated @blueyes90 @CMGragain @Vivandiere8 I feel I should defend my self further. I regret I added this part because I didn't think I'd be crucified to this extent. First and foremost my name is because FI is in the music biz and I have been labeled as Mrs Trashy from the start. Second of all former groomsmen and nut job GF are Herion addicts. This is a recently new development ( less than a year) and the groomsmen disappears for days when he runs out of money for fixes. And say he does show, what am I do with a hot mess of an addict making a scene in my photos in front of Our families? And before you jump down my throat about FI being friends with an addict we have all distanced ourselves from these two quite a lot. Yes I agree it was rude this is why I wanted to "fix" it. But at the end of the day FI didn't think he could trust said groomsmen enough to be in the wedding. This wasn't even the issue at hand it was the fact that nut job is nuts, and is insisting on the invite to be labeled as Mrs. I'm sorry that I've added that little tid bit. This has scared me away from any future posts. It's disgusting how you ladies instantly crucify someone. And it's probably disgusting that I shared that bit of info but I feel as if what we did wasn't rude considering the weight of the situation now at hand. I apologize my spelling is horrible it's one of my faults. And I'm mobile so spell check doesn't check on words in all caps. I'm so glad you ladies are quick to jump when down my throat that FI has a drinking problem when we were at a party. FI is having difficulty dealing with a long time friend being a HA and this is why he asked him then realized what he did. The guy disappeared on us for three days that's why FI insisted on asking him not to be apart or our big day. This is my last reply to this post. Say as you will about me ladies. But I will NOT be sending an apology note to MR. former groomsmen and Mrs. NUT bag. I'm madly in love with my FI we will be getting married 4 days after our 7th anniversary and I do realize what I said about him came off as really horrible. I was only quoting what he said about himself. I don't feel he's a moron he only did a moronic thing drunk. FI is a good person deep down and still feels like a heel about the whole situation. But what other choice did we have ladies?

Sorry, but you DO NOT want to address this chick as Mrs when she clearly isn't, don't do the same for yourself. It's Ms.

Emmy1493

MegTrashy said:

@katwag @RedJacks25 @zitiqueen @mbross3 @kGold80 @Pandemonia @grumbledore @HisGirlFriday13 @Scout F @AshleyNichole1218 @Cookie Pusher @larrygaga @missax @Simplyfated @blueyes90 @CMGragain @Vivandiere8 I feel I should defend my self further. I regret I added this part because I didn't think I'd be crucified to this extent. First and foremost my name is because FI is in the music biz and I have been labeled as Mrs Trashy from the start. Second of all former groomsmen and nut job GF are Herion addicts. This is a recently new development ( less than a year) and the groomsmen disappears for days when he runs out of money for fixes. And say he does show, what am I do with a hot mess of an addict making a scene in my photos in front of Our families? And before you jump down my throat about FI being friends with an addict we have all distanced ourselves from these two quite a lot. Yes I agree it was rude this is why I wanted to "fix" it. But at the end of the day FI didn't think he could trust said groomsmen enough to be in the wedding. This wasn't even the issue at hand it was the fact that nut job is nuts, and is insisting on the invite to be labeled as Mrs. I'm sorry that I've added that little tid bit. This has scared me away from any future posts. It's disgusting how you ladies instantly crucify someone. And it's probably disgusting that I shared that bit of info but I feel as if what we did wasn't rude considering the weight of the situation now at hand. I apologize my spelling is horrible it's one of my faults. And I'm mobile so spell check doesn't check on words in all caps. I'm so glad you ladies are quick to jump when down my throat that FI has a drinking problem when we were at a party. FI is having difficulty dealing with a long time friend being a HA and this is why he asked him then realized what he did. The guy disappeared on us for three days that's why FI insisted on asking him not to be apart or our big day. This is my last reply to this post. Say as you will about me ladies. But I will NOT be sending an apology note to MR. former groomsmen and Mrs. NUT bag. I'm madly in love with my FI we will be getting married 4 days after our 7th anniversary and I do realize what I said about him came off as really horrible. I was only quoting what he said about himself. I don't feel he's a moron he only did a moronic thing drunk. FI is a good person deep down and still feels like a heel about the whole situation. But what other choice did we have ladies?

To add, you might want to find the definition of "Crucify," because the advice here wasn't that at all. Wanna know what that word means? Look it up in the Bible. Last time I checked, Jesus on the cross, was crucified. You just look ignorant by even trying to compare the two.

larrygaga

MegTrashy said:

@abbyj700 Agreed something is wrong. He's an addict its not that easy. 

I don't think you guys realize how serious a drug Heroin is. people just can't not use it. They get physically ill if its not constantly in their system. So if I asked him to not be on it one of two things would happen, he'd show up sweating and vomiting, or not show up. I don't know about you guys but I'm not comfortable not having someone from the wedding party not show up. This would cause a fight between FI and I. I would demand he unfriend him, and I know FI doesn't have the heart to do so. 

Yeah, nobody on the entire internet but you knows how serious drugs are. 

CMGragain

I worked for the State Department of Narcotics and Drug Enforcement.  Don't tell me I don't know about drug addiction.  It has ruined the lives of several family members.

theartistformerlyknownas

My stepbrother is a heroin addict. He threatened to kill my mom while he was high. He's not invited to my wedding.

theartistformerlyknownas

Also, I give you props for calming down and sticking around for the advice. These folks know their stuff, but will not sugarcoat it. You shouldn't take offense at that.

Vivandiere8

Yes he shouldn't be at your wedding. You still both shouldn't lie about the reasons. Maybe hearing his friend's can't trust him on drugs will give him insensitive one day to get clean

CaliMel11

I'm pretty sure him being a drug addict is a great reason for him not to be allowed to come. Also, whatever venue you are using most likely does not allow drug use on the premises either. Do you really want someone shooting up heroin around children? What if he left a needle somewhere and someone hurt themselves on it?
You're not just putting yourselves in danger, you are putting other people who have no idea what is going on in danger by having him there.
Hire security and do not allow him to come to your wedding.

kitty8403

ScoutF said:

MegTrashy said:

@AshleyNicole1218 Haha I agree... It was HIS bad thats why I made him do it. He was drunk, and felt "guilty" and invited him out of pity.  The guy is a FLAKE!!!!! He will be late to his own funeral and I blew my lid when I found out he invited him to be in the wedding when we AGREED he wasn't in it. We were never a maid short. FH F*cked up, So I made FH fix it. We only agreed on 3 each he stupidly invited the 4th cuz he's a moron drunk, like so many of us are. LOL

It's also not your decision who your FI asks to stand with him. You don't get a say in that.  If you want three BMs and he wants four GM, fine. Sides don't have to be even. 

Seconded. FI knew (or at least was told) months ahead that I planned on three bridesmaids. He asked four groomsmen.
I did ask another friend, but she's out of state. If she can make it, we'll have even sides. If not, oh well. I'd rather have her standing next to me than somebody who isn't as close to us that happens to be local.

kitty8403

@MegTrashy, can I ask what state you live in?
Mine recognizes common law marriages. One of the requirements is that the couple present themselves publicly as a committed couple. They may use terms such as "husband" and "wife" or she may use his name socially to help emphasize that point.

I'm bringing this up because it's entirely possible that she has a very good reason for preferring to be addressed as Mrs. If they have, or are moving towards, a common-law relationship, IMO, you need to respect that. It is a legal arrangement, not simple cohabitation.

LDay2014

Throwing this out there...

Why don't you and your FI sit down with this guy and very simply tell him you don't trust his ability to be at your wedding without being high?  Therefore, he is welcome to attend if he is capable of keeping himself in check.  If he doesn't believe he is able to, then let him know, he has no obligation to be there...and count on him not being there.  

If you have to, in order to keep him at peace, make arrangements for someone to watch over him and remove him if necessary.

Be honest with him...you don't trust him.  You don't trust his behavior, and if he can't make an attempt to keep himself in check, then you have a plan in place to take care of the situation.