Unplugged Wedding - Thoughts?

PrettyGirlLost

offthemarket915 said:

We are going to skip the pretense of "being present" and have our officiant address this before the ceremony begins. 

And to those who think guests never get in the way and ruin the professionals chance for a shot, you are wrong. Just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

There is one Aunt in particular who sees nothing wrong with interjecting herself and her iPad into any moment, with no thought to what's going on around her.  It's one thing to stay in your seat and take discreet pics with a camera or phone, but really, holding up a large iPad and blocking others will not fly.  FI would never forgive if she pulls that nonsense as I'm coming down the aisle and blocks his view.  And if it were to block the photographer and videographer from recording that moment... well I obviously wouldn't deal with it then, but the person who got in the way would be very sorry by the time I finished with them later. The ceremony is filled with irreplaceable moments.  You can't get them back. There is no do over.  After it's over, all we'll have are the photos/video.  I am astonished that any guest would think that their desire to take a photo is more important that the professional getting the key shots for the bride and groom. 

 

I never said it doesn't happen.  But it is rare.

I think it is rare based on my personal experience of 30+ weddings, the experiences of family members and friends who have never seen this stuff happen, and other posters here who have said they have been to many weddings and have never seen this stuff happen. 

Yes, there are a few people who have posted in this thread that have witnessed this sort of idiotic behavior.  Every time this topic comes up a few people share these experiences.  But  they have reported seeing this behavior in 1 or two weddings, or that the behavior is limited to one particular, repeat offender of a family member.

Your officiant telling ppl not to use their devices during the ceremony will not stop your Aunt from using her iPad to take pictures, since she already seems to lack the social awareness to keep from using it in the first place!  So your officiant will make the announcement, most of your guests will kind of roll their eyes, and your Aunt will still whip out her iPad as you go down the aisle.

Warn your photographer/videographer about her specifically, and have an usher try and seat her away from the aisle.  Then just trust the professionals to be able to do their job and get the shots they need.

emmaaa

offthemarket915 said:

eg72 said:

offthemarket915 said:

We are going to skip the pretense of "being present" and have our officiant address this before the ceremony begins. 

And to those who think guests never get in the way and ruin the professionals chance for a shot, you are wrong. Just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

There is one Aunt in particular who sees nothing wrong with interjecting herself and her iPad into any moment, with no thought to what's going on around her.  It's one thing to stay in your seat and take discreet pics with a camera or phone, but really, holding up a large iPad and blocking others will not fly.  FI would never forgive if she pulls that nonsense as I'm coming down the aisle and blocks his view.  And if it were to block the photographer and videographer from recording that moment... well I obviously wouldn't deal with it then, but the person who got in the way would be very sorry by the time I finished with them later. The ceremony is filled with irreplaceable moments.  You can't get them back. There is no do over.  After it's over, all we'll have are the photos/video.  I am astonished that any guest would think that their desire to take a photo is more important that the professional getting the key shots for the bride and groom. 

 

He would literally never forgive someone because they blocked his view, really? He will still see you at the alter (or front of the aisle). I would be mad but that is not a unforgiveable offense in my books. (Also, a reason we are doing a first look)

Yes, the ceremony is filled with irreplaceable moments but some of the most special moments will not be caught on camera.

No one is suggesting it doesn't happening. Only suggesting that when it comes down to it, the big picture, the bottom line, the grand scheme of things, you probably won't even notice because you will be caught up in the moment. And if some guests are really that rude and disrespectful, respectfull asking them to not do it won't prevent it from happening.

It would alter the relationship with that person, yes. How arrogant for a guest to think they can intrude like that and think their wish to get a photo supercedes the professional / B&G's pics. I'm not going to knock FI because he's looking forward to the particular moment when he watches me come down the aisle.  Regardless of a first look and other moments, that is a special moment in and of itself, that really means something to us both.  Find it odd that I have to explain that.  I don't disagree that thoughtless dumbasses cannot be stopped.  But perhaps they can be slightly contained... in any case we feel it's worth the effort to try and then will obviously have to accept whatever happens. 

But if I'm going through the photos a month or two after the wedding and find out the handful of key moments during the ceremony were obstructed... it's not going to be pretty.

I don't disagree that is is a special moment, not at all. I also am not advocatingfor a guest to do that. It's rude, disrespectful, and honestly a hazard to people walking. However, I was just pointing out that this is a minute aspect in the whole day and ou really cannot control everything.

offthemarket915

@prettygirllost  yes as I said in my subsequent post, we acknowledge that you cannot control people but we feel it's worth the attempt.  We will feel better knowing that we tried.  Our officiant is a family member so while that prob won't make a huge difference, at least it's not a total stranger asking them. 

And we're already there... there's a small list of people who will be seated towards the outside edge of the row, not the aisle.  And as for Ms. iPad, her son is the BM, and he'll be having a lil chat with her beforehand.

Inkdancer

l9i said:

afox007 said:

offthemarket915 said:

We are going to skip the pretense of "being present" and have our officiant address this before the ceremony begins. 

And to those who think guests never get in the way and ruin the professionals chance for a shot, you are wrong. Just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

There is one Aunt in particular who sees nothing wrong with interjecting herself and her iPad into any moment, with no thought to what's going on around her.  It's one thing to stay in your seat and take discreet pics with a camera or phone, but really, holding up a large iPad and blocking others will not fly.  FI would never forgive if she pulls that nonsense as I'm coming down the aisle and blocks his view.  And if it were to block the photographer and videographer from recording that moment... well I obviously wouldn't deal with it then, but the person who got in the way would be very sorry by the time I finished with them later. The ceremony is filled with irreplaceable moments.  You can't get them back. There is no do over.  After it's over, all we'll have are the photos/video.  I am astonished that any guest would think that their desire to take a photo is more important that the professional getting the key shots for the bride and groom. 

 

Of course there can be a do over. If pics turn out bad throw a PPD and you get twice the presents! 

What is a PPD?

A PPD is a "Pretty Princess Day", the term here on the E-board for a large hullabaloo of a celebration thrown after the couple is already married. Generally this celebration has all the trappings of a wedding, including vows, huge white dresses, cake cutting, gifts, etc. The difference is that none of the guests are actually seeing the bride and groom be married. (Often, this is done when B&G have gotten married in a quiet JOP ceremony for tax, insurance, or other legal/financial benefits.) Here on the E-board we generally frown upon PPDs because we don't enjoy being lied to.

ETA: The PPD is often referred to by the people throwing it as their "real wedding"--suggesting that a legal ceremony performed by a JOP is somehow not real or less valid than a large celebration.

Pepper6

I think making a request to all your guests is offensive because it suggests that they don't know any better.  I've been to several weddings and have never personally seen any guests being inappropriate with their pictures, however, I have certainly heard horror stories about other weddings.  To prevent this, rather than assume ALL our guests are children who don't know how to behave during a wedding, we gave our photographers permission to address any guests who were getting in their way.  I think I heard of one instance where they asked that my aunt lower her iPad so they could get a couple shots.  She said they were extremely discreet and polite and she didn't mind whatsoever being asked to put it down while they got their shots, and then she was more careful about resuming use making sure she wasn't blocking them.

That being said, I agree with some PPs that some of my favorite shots were taken by our guests.  We had two professional photographers and while they did an extremely terrific job, it is physically impossible for them to be in the right place to capture every moment...so we have a lot of those moments captured by our guests.  Also, since it took about 3 weeks for them to edit our pictures, I loved going on our HM the next day and being able to pop on FB and see some of my wedding pictures.

Fran1985

phira said:

We are considering having an unplugged ceremony, simply because we have one photographer and a small ceremony space.

If we choose to have an unplugged ceremony, we will say so on our wedding website, like this:

"I hear you're having an unplugged wedding ceremony. What does that mean?

We are asking guests to refrain from taking photos during the ceremony. Our ceremony space is rather small, and we would like to make it as easy as possible for our photographer to get the shots she needs to get. After the ceremony is over, we welcome you to begin snapping your own photos."

And we'll have a reminder, either in the programs ("Please refrain from taking photos during the ceremony; thank you!") or verbally, from our officiant.

We'll see--we're still undecided.

However, I am reeeeeally sick of hearing about how people want unplugged weddings so that their guests can somehow be "fully present." Like ... I don't even know where to begin.

1) You can't control your guests' thoughts.

2) It implies that guests taking photos are not paying attention, when typically they're paying MORE attention.

3) It demands that people be consumed with as much happiness for you as possible.

4) It's a subjective, impractical reason.

I agree that I hate the "be present in the moment", but I find that suggested q and a super condescending. In general I hate "faq" sections of wedding websites though.

delujm0

Three things:

 

1. I am a BM in my friend's wedding in about a month, and when she got her photographer there was also a "no outside photography" clause in the contract that sounded like guests wouldn't be allowed to take pictures.  She asked the photographer about it, because several of her uncles are professional photographers who will want to at least take a few pics from their seats, and the photographer said "oh, i just got this contract from a template online, i didn't even know that was in there!"  So if you have this clause, clarify it with your photographer.  Most likely, the clause is in there to protect them if a guest has made it physically impossible for them to get the images you want, so that you can't sue them for something that was the fault of one of your guests.  No photographer realistically thinks that ZERO wedding guests will be taking pictures.  That would be crazy.

 

2. The only time I've ever seen a guest interrupt the professional photographer was at FSIL's wedding (ugh) when FI's uncle was jumping all over the family group shots.  He was basically following the professional photographer around and taking every shot that he took, right after him.  It was super annoying.  My college roommate is a professional wedding photographer now, and she is doing my wedding.  I have given her express permission to lay the smack down on this particular person.  And I have told my planner to warn him the first time it happens, and then escort him away if it happens again while pictures are being taken.  He's the nicest man in the world, and i hate to ruin his day, but i'm not paying over $5k for professional photography so that he can ruin it.

 

3. If your venue expressly denies photography during the ceremony, including professionals (this is exactly why we didn't get married in the Presbyterian church - all of the churches near us allow ZERO photography of the ceremony, and i refused to not have pictures of that), it is completely fine to mention that in your program and for the pastor to mention it as well.  But it won't necessarily stop people.  And if that was my situation, i'd be super pumped about anyone who DID get a decent pic of the ceremony, because i would want as many as i could get on the down-low.

lyndausvi

Pepper6 said:

I think making a request to all your guests is offensive because it suggests that they don't know any better.  I've been to several weddings and have never personally seen any guests being inappropriate with their pictures, however, I have certainly heard horror stories about other weddings.  To prevent this, rather than assume ALL our guests are children who don't know how to behave during a wedding, we gave our photographers permission to address any guests who were getting in their way.  I think I heard of one instance where they asked that my aunt lower her iPad so they could get a couple shots.  She said they were extremely discreet and polite and she didn't mind whatsoever being asked to put it down while they got their shots, and then she was more careful about resuming use making sure she wasn't blocking them.

That being said, I agree with some PPs that some of my favorite shots were taken by our guests.  We had two professional photographers and while they did an extremely terrific job, it is physically impossible for them to be in the right place to capture every moment...so we have a lot of those moments captured by our guests.  Also, since it took about 3 weeks for them to edit our pictures, I loved going on our HM the next day and being able to pop on FB and see some of my wedding pictures.

You can add me to the list.     I also enjoyed seeing all the photos our guest took the next day (wasn't on FB yet).

l9i

@Inkdancer - Thanks for the heads up... I didn't know that was a thing...

 

offthemarket915

Pepper6 said:

I think making a request to all your guests is offensive because it suggests that they don't know any better.  I've been to several weddings and have never personally seen any guests being inappropriate with their pictures, however, I have certainly heard horror stories about other weddings.  To prevent this, rather than assume ALL our guests are children who don't know how to behave during a wedding, we gave our photographers permission to address any guests who were getting in their way.  I think I heard of one instance where they asked that my aunt lower her iPad so they could get a couple shots.  She said they were extremely discreet and polite and she didn't mind whatsoever being asked to put it down while they got their shots, and then she was more careful about resuming use making sure she wasn't blocking them.

That being said, I agree with some PPs that some of my favorite shots were taken by our guests.  We had two professional photographers and while they did an extremely terrific job, it is physically impossible for them to be in the right place to capture every moment...so we have a lot of those moments captured by our guests.  Also, since it took about 3 weeks for them to edit our pictures, I loved going on our HM the next day and being able to pop on FB and see some of my wedding pictures.

To the bolded, the two aren't mutually exclusive...  guests can stay out of the way during key moments and also take photos during other times which we'll be glad to have afterwards.

jdluvr06

I had to say that just because a guest isn't taking pictures that doesn't mean that they are 100% present anyway. I've been to tons of weddings and do you know how many ceremonies I didn't zone out during? 2. My sisters and my favorite cousins. I know I'm not the only person to zone out during ceremonies. Anyway, my point is that just because you ask people not to take pictures (which is extremely rude. Your wedding is not a museum, play, or movie.) it doesn't mean they are going to be "present" in the way you want them to be.

phira

@Fran1985 We've had a lot of questions about our wedding already, and lots of repeat questions from different people, so a FAQ seemed like a pretty appropriate solution. I'm open to suggestions, though, to either change the wording of the above question, or for an alternative way to get all FAQ-worthy info across.

Obviously, if we don't end up going with unplugged (right now, it's looking like an 80% chance we don't do that), it won't matter. But I'm always open to suggestions.

Most of our FAQ page are real questions we've gotten, like, "I heard the bride isn't wearing white; does that mean I can wear white?" or, "I have special diet needs; can I bring my own food with me?"

schellzinator

Just a personal story here.  My mother was disappointed we didn't get a videographer for our wedding...so when our dear friend's wife who records everything on her iPad was chatting my with my mom at the rehearsal dinner - she asked if she would be able to record the ceremony. Unbeknownst to me, my mother jumped at the offer!  Thankfully, we hired a fantastic photographer who was able to get some good pictures without her and the iPad in it. 

Best part, when I got the "video" you could hear anything the officiant, my hubby or I was saying - only the wind in the background .  My mom apologized for that and she was grateful for our photographer being able to get some good pictures of the vows without iPad recorder in the background.

I think if you are hiring a professional photographer that knows what they are doing - you will get some great shots and not have to instruct your guests on how to behave.  As for the article, I agree that other PP that these pictures were not the ONLY pictures captured that day.  If you are a good photographer - you will be taking a lot of pictures to account for the potential mess-ups.

I think @Maggie0829 hits the nail on the head when she said that there are going to be so many things happening that your guests behavior will be the last thing on your mind. I think brides get tunnel vision during the planning process by focusing on one facet that they want to control and seem to lose the true meaning of the day - you are marrying your best friend.

Look on the bright side - if someone does ruin the picture by jumping in front of the cameraman - you know who it is so you can ask them for their picture.

 

melbenso

There are two different issues that you are looking at here:
1. Guests taking pictures during your ceremony
2. Guests phones going off during the ceremony.

1.
I think it would be an incredible etiquette faux pas to put something in the program asking guests not to take pictures.  They should have the common sense not to get in the photographer's way and many guests won't have access to your professional pictures - even if they are posted on line - and will want a momento of the ceremony. I try to snap a few ceremony pictures from my seat at any wedding I attend for just this reason.  I have never been to a wedding where a guest has interrupted the ceremony or gotten in the photographer's way to take a picture.  And whether you ask them to or not, people will take pictures. And you won't even notice. You can set your Facebook account up so that you can't be tagged in pictures without your approval if your concern is pictures being posted to your Facebook page being insulting to people who weren't at the wedding.

2.
While I wouldn't put it in the program, I don't see anything wrong with having the officiant ask people to silence their cell phones before the ceremony begins. The reason it is so common for speakers, movie theaters, etc. to ask people to turn off their cell phones is that they simply don't think to do it.  I even had a judge's cell phone go off twice during an oral argument I was presenting to an appellate court once.  And a noisy cell phone ringing during your vows would be disruptive to both you and your other guests.

Fran1985

@phira than it sounds like its necessary. I just hate faq formats because it never actually sounds like its a real question. I've seen some that seem so forced. I'm just in favor of answering the question directly to the person, even if it means I repeat a bunch of times. In my mind its kind of like you dont tell people what to wear because most people know. I think just removing the actual question part would make it read better. But I also may be the only person that hates faq sections haha.

QueerFemme

I have quite a few totally screwed up photos from my wedding from guests taking photos, actually getting up and walking BEHIND the arch to take a photo, and yes, I was pissed off. 

But, I still wouldn't be rude and tell my guests to put their phones/cameras away.  And there is no way I would ever tell someone to be "in the moment".  that sounds totally ridiculous.

manillabar

I don't have any intense feelings about this either way (though i agree the whole "being in the moment" part is weird and patronizing/condescending), but I have to say I've seen many a wedding filled with crazy guests who just HAVE to get their own pictures of the "special moments."  I used to see it more when I was younger, though, and not so much anymore (thank God!).  But when I was younger, I saw people climb up on stage to lean over the pastor (my dad) and crowd all around the bride and groom to catch the "you may kiss the bride" moment at many weddings.  

It may depend on culture/location, but it definitely happens... though, to be honest, I don't think those people would have listened to any announcement by anyone. (It definitely took my dad many years to get people to stop doing that).  

...So i'm not sure if my comment helped in any way lol, just adding my own experience to the pile!

phira

Fran1985 said:

@phira than it sounds like its necessary. I just hate faq formats because it never actually sounds like its a real question. I've seen some that seem so forced. I'm just in favor of answering the question directly to the person, even if it means I repeat a bunch of times. In my mind its kind of like you dont tell people what to wear because most people know. I think just removing the actual question part would make it read better. But I also may be the only person that hates faq sections haha.

I do think it's worth spending time phrasing questions in ways that are respectful to the hypothetical or actual asker. I'll go through our list this weekend and see if anything can be improved. I teach undergrads, so I think I was in teaching fellow mindset when I wrote our FAQ.

rajahmd

I've only got one thing to add that hasn't already been said:

I am sick and tired of Brides saying that because they didn't notice X, Y, Z then you won't either. You know what? Someone took photos during my ceremony, flash, annoying shutter sound, and everything. They even took a picture during the prayer. I definitely noticed. So can we please just recognize that we all have different preferences and tolerances? Just because you wouldn't care if a camera went off and wouldn't notice it, doesn't mean someone else wouldn't care and notice.

cruffino

My guests are adults. I did not tell them what to do. I expect the same respect afforded to me when I'm a guest.

My H and I take our marriage very seriously, our wedding, not so much. FFS it's a party!

As for the ceremony, there was nothing that could take my focus off my H. To me it was a sacred moment regardless of photographers (professional and otherwise) or crying kids, and apparently we had both.

While this is not directed at you, OP, I am so Fucking tired of people making the wedding into some kind of haleys comet event. It is NOT the worlds most special-est moment. I wish someone would cure cancer. Now that's something to celebrate. People need to stop confusing a sacred personal commitment with a world shattering event. They are just not the same thing.

l9i

RajahBMFD said:

I've only got one thing to add that hasn't already been said: I am sick and tired of Brides saying that because they didn't notice X, Y, Z then you won't either. You know what? Someone took photos during my ceremony, flash, annoying shutter sound, and everything. They even took a picture during the prayer. I definitely noticed. So can we please just recognize that we all have different preferences and tolerances? Just because you wouldn't care if a camera went off and wouldn't notice it, doesn't mean someone else wouldn't care and notice.

Exactly!  I have no idea if I'll notice or not.

PrettyGirlLost

cruffino said:

My guests are adults. I did not tell them what to do. I expect the same respect afforded to me when I'm a guest. My H and I take our marriage very seriously, our wedding, not so much. FFS it's a party! As for the ceremony, there was nothing that could take my focus off my H. To me it was a sacred moment regardless of photographers (professional and otherwise) or crying kids, and apparently we had both. While this is not directed at you, OP, I am so Fucking tired of people making the wedding into some kind of haleys comet event. It is NOT the worlds most special-est moment. I wish someone would cure cancer. Now that's something to celebrate. People need to stop confusing a sacred personal commitment with a world shattering event. They are just not the same thing.

I agree. I have been feeling like this for a long while about a multitude of things, but didn't know how best to express that feeling w/o minimizing the importance of marriage or being able to have a legally recognized marriage.

winelover123

Our ceremony was outside at night, so it was very dim. Our pastor asked our guests to not use flash photography. As far as I know, no one did. I still kind of wish that we hadn't made that request because we weren't very happy with the photos from our photographers. If we didn't make that request, we probably would have gotten some really good ones from my uncle, who is a great photographer. So, OP, yes, you can have the officiant request no flash photography. There's no guarantee that it'll actually keep people from using flash though. 

At my BIL's wedding, they requested no photos and no one post anything to facebook or twitter until after the ceremony. It was an odd request and there was a lot of talk about it. Even though they requested no photography from the guests, multiple people still went into the aisle (in front of the bride) to get a picture of her walking down the aisle. If you know people are going to do that, the best you can really do is put some ribbons along the interior of the aisle, but they're probably going to get in the way anyways. 

doeydo

At the very most, I would either include a small line on your program saying "Please no flash photography during the ceremony" or have your officiant say something along those lines before the ceremony starts.

l9i

winelover123 said:

Our ceremony was outside at night, so it was very dim. Our pastor asked our guests to not use flash photography. As far as I know, no one did. I still kind of wish that we hadn't made that request because we weren't very happy with the photos from our photographers. If we didn't make that request, we probably would have gotten some really good ones from my uncle, who is a great photographer. So, OP, yes, you can have the officiant request no flash photography. There's no guarantee that it'll actually keep people from using flash though. 

At my BIL's wedding, they requested no photos and no one post anything to facebook or twitter until after the ceremony. It was an odd request and there was a lot of talk about it. Even though they requested no photography from the guests, multiple people still went into the aisle (in front of the bride) to get a picture of her walking down the aisle. If you know people are going to do that, the best you can really do is put some ribbons along the interior of the aisle, but they're probably going to get in the way anyways. 

I understand the Facebook part for several reasons which was part of wanting this originally.  I've thought about ribbons, etc, but with the setup it's not possible.

MuppetOverlord

Why are these things that you are worrying about? Your wedding is one day in your life and it is an amazing and special day. It won't be "perfect". It shouldn't be. It should have memories that your guests influence. Your guests are there because you want them to celebrate with you. Let them be the people who they are and let them celebrate the way that they want. If they want to take photos of your wedding, let them. That is how they are engaging and they will take wonderful photos that your photographer was unable to capture because he was focused on capturing you and might have missed things like the cocktail hour or some details. They may not have been there in the moment that your great grandmother took to the dance floor during Thriller. 

If someone is an obnoxious person: a sign, a poem, FAQ, or an announcement isn't going to stop them. Rude is as rude does. If you have guests that you expect to be offenders, have a way to deal with them in advance. Talk to your photographer, or your DOC and work around them...or don't invite them if they really are going to upset you.

l9i

@MuppetOverlord I wouldn't call it worrying, I would call it a thought and wanting opinions.  I've decided not to, because everyone is right, it won't matter in the end.  I do however need to check on the flash issue because that may be something that needs a quick shoutout.  The reception I would fully expect and hope for people to take pictures!

Maggie0829

I just want to clarify that if your venue doesn't allow photography or flash or that your photographer has something in the contract then I am perfectly fine with the couple or the officiant saying something, since, you know, it is a rule.

netskyblue2

No, we are not having an "unplugged" ceremony, but I do think taking photos during a wedding ceremony as a guest is beyond rude.  I would never do it.  It's not a sideshow, it's a civil and or religious ceremony you've been invited to solemnly witness.  In church or out of one, I'd expect to behave at a wedding as I would during church service, which is to sit still and keep quiet.

l9i

@netskyblue2 This is one reason I didn't see it as a big deal, although I do see how others feel.  I would not be offended and thinking about it, at any of the various weddings I've been to I don't take pictures: 1. I feel as though it would be distracting for them. 2. Because I don't want to be the person in the way.  3. That's why there is a photographer.

Everyone's different.  I know my mother at a wedding is all about trying to get a good picture, but then what does she do with all the pictures she took, absolutely nothing.