Asking a Bridesmaid to Step Down?

perdonami

grumbledore said:.

2)  Regardless of what your BM said, it would be incredibly rude for you to "fire" her.  If she can't afford the dress, then you must not have asked your BM's their budgets (individually and privately) and chose a dress that is outside of what she is comfortable spending.  You should work with her to fix your mistake.  And personally, if the wedding was near my home, I'd have my BM stay at my house if she couldn't afford a hotel room, rather than not have her in the wedding.  

Be bit of a problem since no one will be at my house. Unfortunately it is a destination wedding however most guests can drive there. 

She explained to me that when she accepted my request she was caught up in the moment and didn't consider the expenses that come with an out of town wedding and being a bridesmaid. I was unaware of her financial situation. 

Also, we played out different situations that may help with cost. Its just I got this lingering feeling that she just flat can't afford it and feels too guilty to step down. My main concern was making her feel obligated to do anything. ANYTHING. IMO, etiquette aside, weddings should be voluntary and a happy experience, not something that makes you feel awful or obligated to in any way. 

phira

If she feels too guilty to step down after you've made it clear that it's okay for her to step down, then this becomes entirely Her Problem and not Your Problem.

perdonami

grumbledore said

What does the bolded even mean?  You sound like a brat. It means I made an error in the use of pronouns. Also, how was calling me names helping the situation? 

You can't demand that they buy shoes either.  Let her wear her own shoes. She can. I imagine the color of the dress may be difficult to coordinate and she MAY have to purchase shoes. She can go barefoot for all I care so as long as the venue doesn't care. 

Truthfully, it sounds like you (like so many brides before you) have a really warped sense of the purpose of bridesmaids.  They are supposed to be your nearest and dearest.  I can't imagine not doing everything in my power to make being in my wedding as easy as possible for the people that I love so much that I asked them to stand beside me. If you don't have anything constructive to say, don't say anything. 

perdonami

blueeyes90 said:

grumbledore said:

perdonami said:

Is it inappropriate for bridesmaids to pay for their own hair and make-up? I'd like them to have up-do's and none of them have the skills to do their own hair and two of them are just as inept as I am to do their own make-up.

Also, and this may be the most rude thing I have ever done before, but I am considering giving one of my bridesmaids an 'out.' She recently expressed that she wished I had called her and 'fired' her from a bridesmaid's role due to finances. She also expressed tremendous relief when I explained that I am considering not having a bachelorette party or bridal shower (although I would really like to have a co-ed bridal shower). 

She can't afford the dress, the hotel room (shes out of town), the hair/make-up, and other bridesmaids expenses. I won't remove her invite of course, just the obligations that being part of a bridal party brings.

1)  You have to pay for their hair and makeup if you want it done.  They are not required to do this.

2)  Regardless of what your BM said, it would be incredibly rude for you to "fire" her.  If she can't afford the dress, then you must not have asked your BM's their budgets (individually and privately) and chose a dress that is outside of what she is comfortable spending.  You should work with her to fix your mistake.  And personally, if the wedding was near my home, I'd have my BM stay at my house if she couldn't afford a hotel room, rather than not have her in the wedding.  

3)  You need to get your priorities straight.  You asked this woman to be a bridesmaid - that should mean that you love her and can't imagine your wedding without her standing there beside you.  Make it work.

grumbledore hit the nail on the head, again.

Also none of the bridesmaids have jobs other than to show up for the wedding in the agreed upon dress. If she is long distance, I don't know that she would want to help with a shower or a bachelorette party. So I would stop expecting that. 

No expectations and I already explained not to worry about hosting a shower or contributing to any party/shower events. Btw, I asked the girls about hair and make-up and a lot of them wanted it professionally done and am wondering if I should have them pay for it. 

Once again, as I am sure I was not clear, if I decide to pay for them to get their hair done it would never be their gift. I already purchased each girl a unique gift plus a swavorski bracelet (cause I thought they were pretty) that they can elect to wear at the ceremony but not required. 

Also, I think what some of the PPs have advised about not to have each bridesmaid have similar hair is probably a good idea. I think I am just going to let them decide on a hairstyle and pay for someone to do it if they want. Maybe I'll pay for their make-up though as they are just as inept at me and we can feel pampered together (and it won't be a their bridesmaid gift, I promise). 

perdonami

LarraO2530 said:

I'm going based on the 3 weddings I was in all for whom I was related. I understand (now) it is the bride's responsibility to pay for requirements outside of the dress, hence part of the reason I am not requiring my girls to do anything but show up in the right color. The other part is they are all amazing at doing their own hair/make-up and I can trust them to choose a flattering dress that isn't going to look like club-wear. We're all students, so I need to be mindful of their budgets as well as sticking to my own.

With that being said, those 3 weddings I was a maid in all required specific dress, matching shoes, matching hair, and make-up, all at the expense of the maids. I was 17 at the time of the first wedding and only a SR in high school...with a part-time job....my mom's reaction after I found out there were other "must haves" than just the dress was "well you accepted her request to be in the wedding, figure it out..." Being so young, I had nothing to compare it to, and no one to tell me "hey this is rude of the bride" so of course I made it work. The second 2 weddings weren't quite as big of a shock because the person doing all the hair/make-up was a fellow maid who gave us all a tremendous discount *life saver*...After being on here and planning my own wedding while going to nursing school, I completely understand how throwing your maids out there with "I want you to have x,y,z please figure out how to acquire" is bridezilla-ish. It's always beneficial to everyone to discuss budgets privately to determine before-hand if all can swing what is being asked of them.

Good point and well received message. I think I am going to pay for their make-up as it would be a nice gesture since two of them are out of town. 

perdonami

ClimbingBrideNY said:

LOL at nylons. Is this 1965? Rude; and if they want to wear nylons they can. So, hush. 

Did you ask her what her budget was before you picked out a dress? Or did you just demand she buy a dress that you had already picked out? Yes; each one asked privately and were given two choices. I also ensured that the dress selection would look good on all (3) of them which was difficult since they all have different body types. 

If it were me, I would want my close friend beside me in my bridal party on my wedding day no matter what. I would figure out a way to help her and make it work. But again, it sounds like your vision is probably more important. Her feelings are more important to me, just like you're bold statements are while typing on a computer screen. Do you talk to people like this in real life or just on public on-line forums?

perdonami

pinkcow13 said:

Talk to her. Tell her that you won't fire her because you do want her in your wedding, but that if she feels she can't be in your BP, you understand and she is of course welcome at your wedding.

Why can't she afford her dress? Did you ask what her budget was? Is there another dress within her price range that she can wear? Anyone she can stay with during the wedding?

We had like a two hour long conversation about how her mother had to leave state because her grandmother is not doing well and how she has been unemployed since I asked her to be in the wedding 18 months ago. I think part of the reason why she wanted me to 'fire' her was because she is stressed out about finances. Part of me is really concerned that she is trying to not hurt my feelings and is breaking the bank to just travel to the wedding and get the dress. I really don't want her to do that but than again maybe I am just letting my thoughts get the better of me.

I think you offered some good advice about talking to her again. I may just buy her dress or tell the girls to just figure out a dress with the color. 

perdonami

HisGirlFriday13 said:

My only objection to hose is the funky dance I have to do to get them on, and also the fact that I have long legs but a short torso, so til I get them long enough to fit my legs and not have the crotch hanging to my knees, there's TONS of extra material at the top that I have to fold over.

Lol, you just had me laughing at out loud over here. I have the same problem too with way too much material at the top. 

perdonami

lennonkdc said:

@phira, those some judges tend to have dress codes for men to, what color suits, ties and shirts. And trust me, skirt suits and hose are the least sexist thing about being a female lawyer, esp in my field. 

Wow, I had no idea. One would think that working in a legal field there would be more politically correct norms. 

crunchymamaof2

You're taking peoples posts way too personally.

perdonami

PrettyGirlLost said:

perdonami said:

larrygaga said:

Or are they just props to you?

You're comment is rude and disrespectful. Also, I don't see how it was constructive in helping this situation. Why is there no one moderating these boards??

That comment wouldn't elicit the need for moderation.  It wasn't a personal attack, threatening, offensive, relaying your personal info, etc.

We have different notions of what is constructive and deconstructive. Also, this isn't the first thread where I thought there needed to be some kind of moderation. I have seen some OP's eaten alive by other posters. It scares people away from asking questions and I think we take the time to comment to be supportive and to help others. I am sure that no one really intends to make someone feel awful (I hope). 

I have such an intolerance for unnecessary rude commentary that after the first few comments I stopped reading this thread and many other threads. Only reason why I came back to visit the thread was because it had so many comments and admittedly I was curious.

Also, I am glad I came back to review what people said as I got a lot of good advice for some folks and I appreciate the time that people took out of their day to provide constructive feedback. 

APDSS22

It's good to hear you talked to your friend and explored how you could possibly still have her be able to stand up with you.  If y'all can figure out the dress and travel and she still wants to be a maid, I'm only curious as to what color the dresses are that shoes she already owns wouldn't work with it?  Most people have black shoes that go with everything.

MobKaz

perdonami said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

perdonami said:

larrygaga said:

Or are they just props to you?

You're comment is rude and disrespectful. Also, I don't see how it was constructive in helping this situation. Why is there no one moderating these boards??

That comment wouldn't elicit the need for moderation.  It wasn't a personal attack, threatening, offensive, relaying your personal info, etc.

We have different notions of what is constructive and deconstructive. Also, this isn't the first thread where I thought there needed to be some kind of moderation. I have seen some OP's eaten alive by other posters. It scares people away from asking questions and I think we take the time to comment to be supportive and to help others. I am sure that no one really intends to make someone feel awful (I hope). 

I have such an intolerance for unnecessary rude commentary that after the first few comments I stopped reading this thread and many other threads. Only reason why I came back to visit the thread was because it had so many comments and admittedly I was curious.

Also, I am glad I came back to review what people said as I got a lot of good advice for some folks and I appreciate the time that people took out of their day to provide constructive feedback. 

This forum is an international forum.  It draws questions and responses from an incredibly diverse pool of people.  The primary assumption is that this is an adult community.  Adults typically should not require moderators.  

As there are different notions of constructive and destructive comments, there are also differing grades of thin and thick skin, levels of tolerance, sensitivity, and differences between blunt, honest, and rude.  Lurking gives new posters a feel for the variety of responses.  

You cannot control or anticipate comments.  You do have to be adult enough to either accept them, ignore them, or find a different means to have questions answered.  

perdonami

And not to be to nit-picky or anything but I thought I should share this:

"Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding day ensemble (shoes and jewelry included). Talk to your bridesmaids individually about any financial concerns, and tactfully work out a solution that suits both of you-maybe you will pay for half or all of the costs, or you can set up a payment plan. Above all, try to choose a dress that's reasonably priced, or consider letting your bridesmaids choose their own gown." - "The Best Maid Plans," The Knot. Spring/Summer 2014: 130.

Not sure how polite it is to set up a payment plan with your bridesmaids.. just sounds weird to me. 

MobKaz

perdonami said:

And not to be to nit-picky or anything but I thought I should share this:

"Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding day ensemble (shoes and jewelry included). Talk to your bridesmaids individually about any financial concerns, and tactfully work out a solution that suits both of you-maybe you will pay for half or all of the costs, or you can set up a payment plan. Above all, try to choose a dress that's reasonably priced, or consider letting your bridesmaids choose their own gown." - "The Best Maid Plans," The Knot. Spring/Summer 2014: 130.

Not sure how polite it is to set up a payment plan with your bridesmaids.. just sounds weird to me. 

The Knot is a wedding driven industry that offers suggestions that promote wedding related expenses.  It is NOT a good resource for wedding etiquette.  BM's can and should pay for their shoes and jewelry so long as they are not dictated by the bride.  If a bride asked her BM's to wear any black shoe, then yes, that expense goes to the BM as she can pick ANY shoe of her choice, or wear a shoe she already owns.  A bride can suggest she prefer her BM wear silver based jewelry, but cannot demand that a BM make a specific silver jewelry purchase.

And as you can see, suggesting payment plans with your bridal party sounds bad because it is bad.  And if that advice is coming from The Knot, you can clearly take just about everything else it suggests with a large grain of salt.

Viczaesar

perdonami said:

And not to be to nit-picky or anything but I thought I should share this:

"Bridesmaids are generally expected to pay for their own wedding day ensemble (shoes and jewelry included). Talk to your bridesmaids individually about any financial concerns, and tactfully work out a solution that suits both of you-maybe you will pay for half or all of the costs, or you can set up a payment plan. Above all, try to choose a dress that's reasonably priced, or consider letting your bridesmaids choose their own gown." - "The Best Maid Plans," The Knot. Spring/Summer 2014: 130.

Not sure how polite it is to set up a payment plan with your bridesmaids.. just sounds weird to me. 

The Knot's main website is full of crap.  It is not an acceptable etiquette source.

lc07

PrettyGirlLost said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

LOL at nylons. Is this 1965? 

Look, if you're going to require your bridesmaids to look like little perfect bridesmaid robots, you need to pay for it. If you want them to have up-dos, you need to foot the bill. It sounds like you're treating these women as props and not friends. 

Did you ask her what her budget was before you picked out a dress? Or did you just demand she buy a dress that you had already picked out? 

If it were me, I would want my close friend beside me in my bridal party on my wedding day no matter what. I would figure out a way to help her and make it work. But again, it sounds like your vision is probably more important. 

I never go bare legged if the dress/skirt I am wearing is short.  I feel naked and gross.

I can understand!! I was laughing at them being called nylons! :-) 

I think that's a regional thing, because almost everyone I know calls them that. But my Southern friends call them 'hose.'

And I remember getting roundly criticised and told I was old-fashioned when I proffered the opinion on TK that hose/nylons were appropriate/expected at a funeral. At the time, I was told no one under the age of 50 wears them at all anymore, ever, anywhere, and I was just crazy.

My only objection to hose is the funky dance I have to do to get them on, and also the fact that I have long legs but a short torso, so til I get them long enough to fit my legs and not have the crotch hanging to my knees, there's TONS of extra material at the top that I have to fold over.

@HisGirlFriday13 I'm with you that bare legs at a funeral is inappropriate. I don't work in a field where anyone would care if I wore pantyhose or not at work. But funerals = no bare legs IMO.

I don't get the funeral thing. . . pretty sure I'm not going to care if anyone shows up to my funeral with bare legs.

@PrettyGirlLost I'm with you, in that I wouldn't care at all about what anyone else wore to my funeral. I also would not side eye you or anyone else for not wearing hose to a funeral. I recently attended a celebration of life for a friend of mine and was one of the most casually dressed guests. I dressed the way my friend would have wanted us to celebrate since it was a celebration.

I guess for me, wearing hose to an actual funeral just feels more solemn to me. Which is why it feels like an appropriate choice. I should also add that I would wear black tights or closer to opaque black sheers and not nude hose.

I realize my post sounded judgmental. I didn't mean it to be. Just that I would personally feel inappropriate with bare legs at a funeral/burial. 

huskypuppy14

All this talk about nylons and no one mentioned what happens when you wear open toed shoes.  Do those of you who always wear hose, never wear sandals or peep toe pumps?  I have never worn nylons to a wedding as an adult. Never! I've also never worn them to funerals.

Also, I'm a scientist and work in the lab most of the time. Our company is extremely casual, and most people wear jeans, especially the scientists. I could see if you worked in a more conservative environment, and you are used to a certain dress code, but just because you don't wear stockings doesn't mean you aren't dressed professionally.  

PrettyGirlLost

laurynm84 said:

All this talk about nylons and no one mentioned what happens when you wear open toed shoes.  Do those of you who always wear hose, never wear sandals or peep toe pumps?  I have never worn nylons to a wedding as an adult. Never! I've also never worn them to funerals.

Also, I'm a scientist and work in the lab most of the time. Our company is extremely casual, and most people wear jeans, especially the scientists. I could see if you worked in a more conservative environment, and you are used to a certain dress code, but just because you don't wear stockings doesn't mean you aren't dressed professionally.  

They make panty hose specifically for those situations.

I work as a researcher as well, and I don't dress up to work in the lab.  But you probably know that bare legs and open toed shoes are a huge no-no in the lab.

huskypuppy14

PrettyGirlLost said:

laurynm84 said:

All this talk about nylons and no one mentioned what happens when you wear open toed shoes.  Do those of you who always wear hose, never wear sandals or peep toe pumps?  I have never worn nylons to a wedding as an adult. Never! I've also never worn them to funerals.

Also, I'm a scientist and work in the lab most of the time. Our company is extremely casual, and most people wear jeans, especially the scientists. I could see if you worked in a more conservative environment, and you are used to a certain dress code, but just because you don't wear stockings doesn't mean you aren't dressed professionally.  

They make panty hose specifically for those situations.

I work as a researcher as well, and I don't dress up to work in the lab.  But you probably know that bare legs and open toed shoes are a huge no-no in the lab.

Of course, but I would never wear nylons either- just because your legs are technically covered doesn't mean it's safe. Pants all the way. 

HisGirlFriday13

I wear open-toed shoes often, just not in situations where I should also be wearing hose.

Funeral? Hose and closed-toed shoes.
Date with DH? Peep-toes and bare legs.

perdonami

So just a recap,

I just got an e-mail from my bridesmaid and told her not to worry about anything. I explained all I need her to do is get her butt out here and if need be, I will help pay for her dress ($88 w/out tax). Told her, not to worry about hair or make-up as she can do her own and that I am considering paying for one or the other service (for all of the bridesmaids not just one) but no promises yet. 

Told her that I may accept an offer from my aunt for a bridal shower but that she not need worry about anything or feel obligated to attend. Just wanted to let her know as a courtesy and that I still haven't accepted the request yet. 

Explained as best I could, I just need her to show up in a dress on the wedding day and no hard feelings no matter what happens. 

Thanks for all advice on how to approach my bridesmaid, it really helped.

perdonami

Oh Geez, guys I tried just calling her and she just explained to me that due her financial situation she can't afford to talk right now.. too expensive for her phone plan.. What do I do?? I am so torn  

I am starting to think I am just being selfish because I want her to be at my wedding.. Maybe I can swing the whole thing for her.. But what if paying for everything is making her feel worse.. This is the worst situation ever.

KeptInStitches

Does her phone plan have no night or weekend minutes? That would be odd nowadays.

Also, on the open vs. closed toed shoes ... my feet make the decision for me. I don't have "cute feet." My toes are not adorable. Closed toes all the way, every time.

perdonami

mobkaz said:

This forum is an international forum.  It draws questions and responses from an incredibly diverse pool of people.  The primary assumption is that this is an adult community.  Adults typically should not require moderators.  This forum does. 

As there are different notions of constructive and destructive comments, there are also differing grades of thin and thick skin, levels of tolerance, sensitivity, and differences between blunt, honest, and rude.  Lurking gives new posters a feel for the variety of responses.  Still no need to be rude. But, yes there is a certain tone that is lost with on-line means of communication and well intention responses can came off wrong. 

You cannot control or anticipate comments.  You do have to be adult enough to either accept them, ignore them, or find a different means to have questions answered.  Very True.

grumbledore

I wear dresses/skirts with bare legs in the summer and wouldn't wear hose with open toed shoes, but I know people who do. And I like wearing them, but I didn't when I was younger .

jenniferurs

I don't even own pantyhose. 

HisGirlFriday13

perdonami said:

Oh Geez, guys I tried just calling her and she just explained to me that due her financial situation she can't afford to talk right now.. too expensive for her phone plan.. What do I do?? I am so torn  

I am starting to think I am just being selfish because I want her to be at my wedding.. Maybe I can swing the whole thing for her.. But what if paying for everything is making her feel worse.. This is the worst situation ever.

I fins that hard to believe unless she has a pay-as-you-go phone plan.

Is it possible she's using finances as an excuse for another reason she doesn't want to attend?

crunchymamaof2

perdonami said:

mobkaz said:

This forum is an international forum.  It draws questions and responses from an incredibly diverse pool of people.  The primary assumption is that this is an adult community.  Adults typically should not require moderators.  This forum does. 

As there are different notions of constructive and destructive comments, there are also differing grades of thin and thick skin, levels of tolerance, sensitivity, and differences between blunt, honest, and rude.  Lurking gives new posters a feel for the variety of responses.  Still no need to be rude. But, yes there is a certain tone that is lost with on-line means of communication and well intention responses can came off wrong. 

You cannot control or anticipate comments.  You do have to be adult enough to either accept them, ignore them, or find a different means to have questions answered.  Very True.

I'm so tired of newer posters trying to be the forum mom and scolding people for being "rude" or otherwise misbehaving. No one was rude to you. Blunt, sure. Cracking a few inappropriate jokes? Debatable. Rude and mean? Nope. If this forum is so harsh and tears others down so much why are you here? There are plenty of other wedding forums that will happily blow rainbows up your butt though you won't get the excellent and correct advice you receive here. Thicker skin and learning to be a good host or throwing a pity party with rainbow decorations but treating your guests rudely...hmmm..not a hard choice.

As for your friend, it's time to stop the wedding talk. I think it's awesome you're trying so hard to help her but it sounds like she just doesn't want help. Or to be a bridesmaid. I'd probably ask her if everything was okay, maybe meet for coffee (I think she lives a bit far away though you said?), just try to be a friend. Tell her that you don't want to add to her stress so you're okay with her not being able to be a bridesmaid and that you truly hope she can come as a guest (maybe you can pay for her travel instead of her dress/hair/etc that you would have if she were a BM? Completely optional and I wouldn't really bring it up much right now). It sounds like something is going on and I doubt financial ruin is the actual cause. Sounds like it goes deeper than that.

perdonami

 It sounds like something is going on and I doubt financial ruin is the actual cause. Sounds like it goes deeper than that    

I think so too.. the wedding is about five months away.