NWR-Need some adviced. We've "postponed" or engagement

raeah219

I posted about a week ago on the budget boards that I'm not engaged anymore. Long story short, although FI and I really love each other we have realized that we both have some things that we are unhappy with in our relationship and we dont  feel comfortable making a life time commitment unless or until these issues are worked out. We are in therapy and he has moved into the guest room. We are cordial with one another and have small pleasant conversations about things like work, or our son. Yesterday he called and invited me to go the park with him and our son. I went. It was nice, but awkward. Its weird chit chatting about work when you know your relationship is falling apart. We aren't discussing our issues, we are just existing and trying not to rock the boat to avoid an argument or disagreement. We have only been to one therapy session, our next one is Monday. We are trying to hold off on uncomfortable conversation until we have learned the communication skills that our therapist is going to teach us. In the mean time I am a complete emotional wreck. I'm not eating or sleeping. I cry everyday. I feel so hurt. The thing that hurts the most is the fact that we are even considering splitting up. Even in the past when things were rough between us we always wanted to work through it, but the fact that we have both said that we are trying to decide if we want to marry each other is sad and scary for me. I understand the value in not discussing our issues until we have the communication tools, because we can both be hot headed and our arguments get very intense, but I feel like I'm living in limbo. He doesnt want me to stop wearing my engagement ring, but we are not longer actively planning a wedding. He doesnt want to leave the house, but we are sleeping in separate rooms. Its all just weird, and I just dont know how much longer I can live like this.  

Inkdancer

Oh hon, I am so sorry. I know this must be hell for both of you.

Remember this: not actively planning a wedding doesn't mean you're not together. Just like every other time you've struggled, you're trying to work things out. You've just cleared out some unnecessary stress so that you can focus on improving your relationship. You weren't actively planning a wedding when you were dating, you were just dating. You're back to that now, only you also have an engagement ring to show that he is committed to making this work. As long as he wants you to keep wearing that ring, and wants to stay in your home, he probably wants to keep trying.

In the end, both of you and your son will be grateful that you put the effort into this. It's going to turn out just fine.

KatWAG

::Hugs::

I am sorry you are in such a hard position. But I think its great that you are getting help to improve your communication skills. 

This might help you in the short term.... When I am really upset, sad, angry whatever, I write a letter to that person. I dont hold anything back. When I am done I read it over and then stick it in a draw. For me, it feels great to express my emotions even if no one sees them. You might give it a try.

MairePoppy

It takes a lot of courage to call off an engagement. It's a good sign that both of you are willing to go for counseling. I hope things work out for the best, whatever that may be. Good luck.

raeah219

We figure that calling off an engagement is a lot easier than getting a divorce, plus it just didnt make sense to go into a marriage with huge issues. Nothing will ever be perfect, but trust and communication issues cant be ignored. The great thing is that we love each other very much and are willing to work on things, so I'm optimistic. 

pinkcow13

I'm very sorry. As others have said, it is a good step that you are both willing to make it work. We all go through tough times in our relationships, and it is clear that you both want to get through this. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you can both work through this.

HisGirlFriday13

I'm also so sorry for you, but so proud of you for making the hard choices that need to be made. If you're both willing to work on your issues, you have a good chance of being able to fix them.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

KeptInStitches

I am so sorry, and I wish you the best of luck working on your issues.

ShallowSeas

I'm so so sorry, but you really sound like you are making great decisions and really trying everything you can think of to make things work. That's such a tough situation for anyone to go through; I applaud and admire your strength and the way you are handling it.

Vivandiere8

I hope your story can actually be an inspiration to others questioning their engagment. I have hear so many divorced brides say how leading up to their wedding day they knew things weren't right but were just too scared to say anything, or ones that said they felt terrible for thinking as they walked up the isle "well... if it doesn't work we can get a divorce" and then later did. Now that doesn't mean that things can't work out for you, but I think waiting untill AFTER a marriage to try and fix major issues that need to be adressed can make it worse in the end then working on them before hand. In fact before we were engaged my fiance and I dated for five years and broke up twice before we figured out how to balence "change yourself for the other person because it's good for you too" vers. " Be true to yourself and accept the other for who they are". And there is a balence. Both options have a place. Doesn't mean you two are over. You just have some things you need to work out before you can begin the engagment process.

larrygaga

That's awful, I'm sorry

It's really great that you are waiting to work out the kinks. It is absolutely okay to break off an engagement, or delay it. Your happiness needs to come first. On the other hand, all couples go through bad spots, no matter how perfect they are for each other. Keep going to therapy and keep trying, and in the meantime, you cry your eyes out. Don't be afraid to feel what you are going to feel, it's healthy to let it out!

princessleia22

All relationships have hard times. Love can be a fleeting emotion and can come and go. And I don't think you can "like" someone all the time, forever. I know that there are days my FI annoys me.  And there will likely be days in the future where I won't like him much or days that I question why I'm with him. I think that's just normal in a relationship. But, there are days where he makes me unbelievably happy and days that I can't imagine my life without him. But, if you respect and care about that person enough to fight to make it work, that makes all the difference. That determination to stick and work through everything is what separates long marriages from divorces.  Relationships are rarely easy. I've seen marriages that seemed lost and destined for divorce, where they didn't really like each other much, but they worked through their problems, sometimes fighting with their last bit of will power, and are now happier and more in love than ever. And I've seen marriages end in divorce because one person just didn't care enough to try and decided to bail as soon as things got hard. FI and I are going into our marriage with the knowledge that things won't be perfect and we won't always be happy, but we are promising to respect each other and to fight to make it work, no matter what we may face or how we feel, and to never give up on each other. I love my FI like crazy, but our marriage is based more on respect and commitment to each other than on love. The fact that you both seem determined to stay together and work through this shows that you may actually have what it takes to make a marriage work.  And I agree that working through issues and doubts before marriage is a great idea. Too many people rush into marriage, thinking it will be all butterflies and rainbows, or expecting a wedding to magically fix any problems they may have.  If there are things to work out, it's better to do it now. And maybe everything will work, you will learn to build a stronger relationship, and live happily ever after. Or maybe you will decide that marriage isn't right for you, but it's better to know now than after struggling for years in a marriage than nobody is happy with.  I hope that everything goes well for you.

wrigleyville

We postponed our wedding and took a year to go to counseling. H was dealing with some personal issues, and it started taking its toll on me. He went to counseling on his own, and then the therapist had me come in for a "couples" session once per month. It was very helpful, and H and I learned how to talk to each other more effectively. I can honestly say things are about 1000% better now.

Once I saw he was serious about counseling and thoroughly committed to improving, we set a new wedding date. It was "easy" because we postponed it about nine months beforehand, so there wasn't too much we had to cancel, and nobody had purchased flights yet. Those were some painful phone calls, but everyone was supportive and understanding.