What things have you learned you DON'T want to be like your parents?

jenna8984

My parents are amazing. They shuttled us to sports, coached our sports, attended our events, were strict but fun, took us on vacations, helped us out with our first cars and cell phones in high school, taught us respect and discipline. But there are a few things they do that I have made a conscious effort to not do myself. (Even if you don't plan to have kids, you can answer see my #3 not kid related!)

1. They are not emotional. They don't say I love you, they don't call just to say hello and ask about my life, when a pet died they would just throw it in the dumpster like it was no big deal and move on with life. I do not want to be like this.

2. They are always criticizing or pointing out the negative. When my brother and I bought our first homes, they were not dream mansions, they were 1950's tiny houses that have not been updated. Instead of saying how proud they are and what an accomplishment it is, they basically said how dumpy and crappy the houses were and that we had a lot of work to do on them. I just want you to smile and say good job dammit!

3. They are cheap to the extreme. They are in excellent financial position and I know they worked very hard to get there and I'm very thankful that they've taught me about money management. But for the love of God, they refuse to even order a pizza once a year because of the cost and they can "make it cheaper themselves". I'm all about saving 90% of the time but you have to splurge on those things once in a while!!

 

climbingsingle

Well, my parents had kids. And I won't be having kids :-P 

RebeccaFlower

My parents sound exactly like yours in your first chunk. They taught us lots of great qualities while letting us make our own mistakes. 

This may seem random, but my mom never talked to me about sex when I got my first boyfriend and I think she should have been more pro-active in making sure I was on proper birth control. This ended up bring my brothers job (though I was already doing everything I needed). I think she trusted me to be smart, but I would have liked to talk to her about it.

emmyg65

My parents were really, really wonderful (and still are!). The one thing I want to do different is I won't be the enforcer all the time, and I want my husband to play with our kids more. My dad was really involved, but he didn't play, and my mom handled most of the discipline. Beyond child-rearing, I try to be less judgmental and rigid than my parents can sometimes be. But they really are the most lovely people and I'm so grateful for the excellent model they've given me.

emmaaa

My parents sound like yours in the first blurb. They encouraged us to participate in sports, dance, church groups, Boy Scouts/Girl Scouts and pretty much any activity we had interest in. They were strict and set proper rules so that we wold grow up to be respectful and know how to work for what we want. I grew up on a farm. They made us spend our summers working in the garden. This taught us so much how if you work hard at something, you will reep the benefits.

My FI and I have decided that when we have kids there are things we want to make sure we do't do that our parents did.

1. His parents have always lived paycheck to paycheck. There is nothing wrong with this when you are starting out, or if something happens and you lose a job or have a major expense. But it was more that every time they had a little money, they blew it. Right now, we are living paycheck to paycheck, in a way. But we don't even want to think about having children until we are in a stable place.

My parents got divorced after 28 years of marriage, 3 kids, and a home, later. My mom gave up and stopped trying and left us with my Dad. My older brother is 7 years older than me and him and his wife were living with us also. Even though they were there, the responsibility fell on me at the age of 17, to take care of the house, cooking, and taking care of my younger brother. This put a strain on our relationship for a while because I was only 3 years older than him and was having to pretty much raise him. We decided that we NEVER want to put our kids what I went through. Sure, we all turned out great, but some kids wouldn't and it was a situation I would never want my kids to experience.

Jells2dot0

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Well, my parents had kids. And I won't be having kids :-P 

THIS!

I am very much my father's daughter: Career first, not very sympathetic/empathetic, somewhat selfish in nature. I recognize this, where as my dad did not, so instead of being a horrible parent, I'm choosing not to be a parent at all.

edit- spelling

pinkcow13

Still undecided on the kids thing, but if we do have them:

1. I will not be judgemental/bigoted about who my kid chooses to date. I guess what I'm trying to say is, my parents (especially my mom) have issues with people that are of certain nationalities. And she has this very generalized close minded view on individuals because of this. My parents never accepted anyone I dated for these reasons. It took them YEARS for them to accept FI which I find silly, because they had no valid reason for not liking him and I think they missed out on many years in our relationship. They hated the fact that his family was of a certain nationality, and that I met him in college which is beyond silly.

2. I will be more open with my kids about sex. My parents basically taught me that sex was only to be had until marriage, which is perfectly fine, but as a result they never taught me anything about it. Everything I learned was from my friends at a young age, and from what I read on my own. Luckily I made smart decisions about sex, but more so because I chose to, and I did not fall into peer pressure. 

3. I will trust my kids decisions and not be as critical. My parents have been critical about every aspect of my life. If I decided to go on vacation (at 25 years old) my mom would criticize me for it and say I should save my money and wait to go on vacation once I'm married with kids. They tried to convince me not to move out on my own and to wait until I got married. I realize they had (mostly my mom) a very traditional and old fashioned outlook on life, which I do not have.

There's more, but those are the main ones. I think I turned out fine, and obviously my parents upbringing had a lot to do with it. At the same time, I'm glad I was able to stand up to them and live my life. We have a better relationship now than when I was living under their roof.

SBmini

My mom is super passive aggressive. She bottles, bottles, bottles until she explodes. And when she does she's super accusational and remembers things wrong. I hear things like, "You think this is all my fault!" from her all the time. So for me, I try to confront issues and work through them instead of keeping it all inside. I don't want to be like her, and have other people feel like they have to tip toe around me because they never know what may set me off.

SmileDamnit

TwoDimes said:

I am biased, but I think my parents were wonderful. They raised my sister in I well, and there isn't anything major about parenting that I plan to do differently with my own children.

The one thing I would do differently doesn't have to do with the children, but with the spousal relationship. My parents were always affectionate and loving with the kids, but not with each other. I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen them kiss each other. They are still happily married (I think...) but sometimes it's hard to tell because they don't make very many loving gestures.

THIS! I am grateful every, single day for my parents and the wonderful people they are, but they weren't great role models for a healthy spousal relationship. 

Simky906

I agree with @RebeccaFlower- my parents never spoke about sex when I was growing up; it was as though it didn't exist. I want to be more open about this with our future children so I knnow they have all the information available so they can make informed decisions about sex. Other than that my Mom was a phenomenal parent. Also, my parents divorced when I was very young but maintained a cordial relationship and tried to stay on the same page so I was very lucky there.

FI's big thing is to avoid being overbearing and generally embarrasing. FMIL still likes to go on and on about what a cute baby FI was in pubic gatherings. He's 26 and this drives him nuts. She also has a tendency to harp on things. Like when he graduated from college (4 years ago now) his folks helped him move into an apartment. His mom instructed him on how to properly wash his sheets. He's already done this for all of college but "ok, Mom, thanks". She then repeats herself like he didn't hear her. "Ok, Mom, I've got it". Then comes the third time, repeating the exact same thing and that is when FI loses it. And she cannot understand why! So definitely going to avoid that kind of behavior.

larrygaga

My parents are foreign, and although we lived in the US I didn't learn proper English until I went to school. (If my posts don't make sense, this is why). I think it's cool and important to teach foreign languages to kids, but they need to learn the language of their country first. 

My parents were not strict at all. I think I could have done a lot better in school if I had a punishment for bringing home a D. I did end up somewhat successful, anyway.

I won't be having a ton of kids, because that just breaks bank and I want my kids to be able to eat all the time and be able to do the things they want to do. There were a lot of after school activities I wanted to do but we couldn't afford. I also want to make paying for school easier on my kids. I grew up very poor because my mom is disabled and couldn't work and we had 6 kids to feed. 

JCbride2015

Oh, so so many things.  I think the best thing I can say about my parents is that I always felt loved.  Even though they never had their shit together, I knew they both loved me.  And I had a lot of great times with my mom as a little kid, because she stayed home with us and we would play and make art all day instead of staring at the TV.  I never had cable or video games and now I'm glad for that.

1. I will not be a drug addict or use drugs around my kids.  Nuff said.

2. My parents were never right for each other, so I won't say "I won't get a divorce" because I'm glad that they did.  But I won't marry somebody about whom I have any doubts.

3. I will not push my worries onto my kids.  My mom often told me and my sister about her struggles with money, her love life, etc. and it always made me stressed as a teenager.

4. We will always present a united front.  This is trickier because my parents were divorced, but they had very different rules, life expectations, and goals for me.  They also badmouthed each other a lot (especially my mom).  I'd like to think that God forbid if we separate down the road, there will be enough respect there to leave the kids out of it.

5. I will not seek my self-worth in another person.  Fi and I are independent people with individual strengths, weaknesses, and interests.  My mom has always been 100% about whomever she's dating.  I don't want to turn into that with Fi.  I think it's good for a relationship if you maintain an individual identity.

Just thought of another way I want to be like my parents.  As sad as it is now, they were really in love when they first got married and I would find them kissing or hugging all the time.  Those were great years and I want my kids to feel like they're in a loving household like that.

wandajune6

I adore my parents and think they did a great job. They messed up with a few things though:

1. They thought that they couldn't be career-driven and great parents at the same time. They turned down promotions, etc. to be around us more. I appreciate it but they were wrong- and they admitted it. They just didn't have role models for successful working parents, just for those who did badly.

2. Religion. They just butchered it. My dad rebelled against how he was raised (tent revivals in the south) and my mom is the daughter of Jewish refugees from eastern Europe. I could go on and on about this for hours but, in a nutshell, they screwed up.

3. When I was having a rough patch with an old boyfriend, my mom told me that relationships shouldn't be work, that they shouldn't be hard. While I agree that relationships shouldn't be hard all the time, they do take work and effort and they're not always easy. My parents are a few weeks away from their 40th anniversary and are still completely in love with each other. I've only seen them argue a few times and they're genuinely happy. But even good relationships have ups and downs - and there are a few relationships that I bailed on too quickly because of this belief.

Emmy1493

My mom was a single parent taking care of three kids. I applaud her for it and thank her for always taking care of us, but we really struggled. She has money and spending issues. I have gotten a lot of that from her, and is something I want to change for myself and future family. I also want to be married before having children. 

Not that having children before is horrible, I just wouldn't want them at the age my mom had us. Which is the age I am now. That might not be young at all, but I don't plan on having kids until FI & I are both well established and have a steady job and home. 

Another thing is to not get my feelings hurt as often as she does, and to learn to just let things I cannot control, go. She has a very hard time with that, and often gets very jealous over situations that really don't call for it. I try to be more of a go with the flow-don't let small crap get to me- kinda gal. Doesn't always work, but I am trying.

That's about it though, as she has been through a lot and it has made her quite stronger the last few years. I think it's great that she could take care of us all on her own!

KatWAG

My parents are awesome. They are loving, caring, accepting, etc. I really couldnt ask for more.

However, they are very different when it comes to money. My mom is a super saver. She is paranoid that she will get fired, lose her job, lose her house, etc. So she saves every single extra penny she has. She makes a great living and she deserves to enjoy life after her hard work. But she just saves. I am sure she will have a top- notch retirement, if she can ever bring herself to stop working.

My dad doesn't save. Or saves very little. He would rather enjoy life now and worry about tomorrow at a later date. He has made a lot of fiscally irresponsible decisions in the name of "fun."

This was the main reason my parents divorced. I dont want to be like either of them. I am hoping to fall somewhere in the middle.

Peaseblossom55

My mom is very unemotional and isn't really a people person.  She can be somewhat negative and very doubting.  It was annoying growing up.  It is still as an adult.  My dad is very outgoing, emotional and I feel like we get each other so much more.  I strive to be more like my dad and less like my mom.  I also don't think she was a very hands on parent, I have more memories of playing with my dad who worked all the time than I do with my own mom who was a SAHM. 

grumbledore

My parents were, and are, fairly terrible people and bad parents, so almost everything I've learned from them has been what NOT to do.  They never showed up for concerts, plays, school events.  They were emotionally and physically abusive.  They're just not good people.

I have an almost-ten year old DD already, and while I am far from perfect, I know that she knows she is loved and supported and care for, which are things I never got from my parents.  We have a very loving home.

With future children, which I hope to have, we will certainly have a more stable start.  I was 22 when I had my daughter, chose to get married even though I knew it was a mistake, and spent the first few years of her life pretty unhappy, although I was always loving and kind to her.  My XH and I split when she was 3 - I do not see this in my future with FI.

One thing I wish I was better at was playing, but it's just not in my nature.  However, I do play board games and do activities with my daughter, I just never have been the type to play imagination games or sit on the floor with toys.  Luckily, her dad has always been great with this stuff and so if my FI, so she gets a lot of this from them. 

Cookie Pusher

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Well, my parents had kids. And I won't be having kids :-P 

Word. Not having kids just to make other people happy and turning into bitter, angry psychos about it. I have plenty of other things to be bitter and angry about! lol

jenna8984

Peaseblossom55 said:

My mom is very unemotional and isn't really a people person.  She can be somewhat negative and very doubting.  It was annoying growing up.  It is still as an adult.  My dad is very outgoing, emotional and I feel like we get each other so much more.  I strive to be more like my dad and less like my mom.  I also don't think she was a very hands on parent, I have more memories of playing with my dad who worked all the time than I do with my own mom who was a SAHM. 

Yes. So this. My mom is not a people person either. I would go to friend's houses after school and their moms would hug me and say oh it's so great to see you, how are you doing in school, how is soccer going, you should definitely stay for dinner! My mom would look at my friends and say "hey you, what's your name again? I hope you're not staying for dinner, I only have enough chicken for the 4 of us and I'm not going to buy more." My friends always thought she hated them, it was weird convincing them that's how she treats everybody!

gmcr78

Money is the biggest thing (other than not having kids).  My parents constantly struggled.  They were both bad with money and debt and unfortunately my mother bears the brunt of that today.
I have some debt but I am working very diligently to reduce and eliminate that now, while also saving.  I am not against going out to dinner or shopping or splurging once in awhile, however I won't skip paying a bill to do this and I have always felt like that was the first step in my separation from how my parents did things.

I don't know how things are in schools now, but when I was in high school, there was never any course on managing money.  I always thought that should be a required course in high school, to teach kids how to manage money, avoid debt and SAVE, and why it's important to start off on the right foot and not go into debt during your freshman year of college like so many do. 

misscoffeeplease

My parents has recently separated after being married for 30+ years. You would think at 28, I would be able to handle their divorce but I'm more angry than anything right now. The beginning of their marriage was great until they moved to the US and had kids. Growing up, it was so dysfunctional and my parents only stayed together because of us. I'm just surprised they lasted this long. So that says a lot that I don't want to end up like them. 

CLoGreenEyes

This is such an interesting thread! Very introspective. I like.

-Dittoing what @TwoDimes said. My parents had a horrible relationship while they were married (they divorced three years ago and are actually good friends now). Not affectionate at all, either they were yelling at each other or giving each other the silent treatment, and they didn't support each other through anything in life. I would hate to replicate this example to my children, so I will definitely nurture my relationship with my spouse, work really hard to have productive discussions instead of overt arguments, and have a supportive bond.

-My mom and I are great friends...kind of to the point where she has always relied on me more than she should. I think it's important to be a parent first and a friend second, so I wouldn't mix that up. I wouldn't want my child to end up being my sole confidante and my primary source of friendship.

-My parents were not great about encouraging us to pursue any interests at all. I get that it can be a pain in the ass to constantly be going to activities, but neither my brothers nor I really ended up developing any serious constructive hobbies because of their disinterest in helping us pursue them. I would lead by example and have my own one or two things that I do for enjoyment and self-improvement, and I would make sure they didn't feel guilty about needing a ride to an activity or whatever.

My parents did do a good job of having quality time as a family. We took vacations together, we had family dinners at least a few times a week, etc. We are still good about that even with the divorce, actually - we still all spend holidays and birthdays together.

Couggal12

I love my Mom. She is super mom. She took me and my brothers to all our sporting events,  practices, school events, friends, etc. She literally is the most caring/selfless person I know. I learned a lot of independence but, my baby brother did not. He graduated from college last June and is still unable to do his own laundry, cook a basic meal, balance his money, etc. all because my Mom babied the crap out of him. She did to me too but, I learned how to do everything for myself so I could be more self sufficient. I know when I have children I will teach them the basics of life. Like cleaning your own dishes and picking up after yourself, doing laundry, balancing a check book, how to check your oil in our car, etc. I don't want my kids to not gain independence or rely on others for everything.

CMGragain

I didn't have a father for much of my life.  My mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and was emotionally abusive. I was very insecure as a young mother, and tried to be a better parent, but without a role model, I was worried that I wasn't up to it.  The church was a great help to me.
I must have done something right because my daughter is a loving person who has a happy life.  My son is successful, and is a moral, loving person, too.  I know I must have made some mistakes, but I did the best I could,  That is all anyone can do.
My daughter is the mother of an 11 month old, and is trying to be the perfect parent.  I keep reminding her that nobody can be perfect.

FiancB

Um pretty much nothing. My parents are extremely judgemental, negative, unaffectionate, close-minded people with my dad leaning toward emotionally abusive at times. 

It would be shorter to list what they did right so: My mom signed us up for lots of activities as kids. Not many panned out but I did try my hand at swimming, dance gymnastics, girl scouts, piano, volleyball, and 4H. The dance and 4H were the only things I stuck with for any length of time but they were big parts of my life, and I still participate in the things I had for 4H projects (training dogs and horses, art, random hobby farm type stuff).

My parents also instilled a love of reading in us, which I think is really important and I'll try my darndest to do the same for our kids. Reading was the main source of entertainment and it wasn't unusual to see each family member sitting in the same room reading their own book. My sisters had fights over time with the newest Harry Potter books, not over who got to play Nintendo next. 

Also a sense of responsibility and work ethic, but a lot of that probably came from 4H just as much.

The biggest thing for me was their marriage. They act like they did everything right just because they've been married for 40 years, but the reality is that they can't stand each other and are just very against divorce. They give each other the silent treatment a lot and I have to try really hard to not clam up when I'm upset about something. They'd also bitch about the other in front of us which I think is just terrible. So, modeling a healthy relationship is very important to me. 

I know my parents wanted the best for me. They were all about sending us to college and having us get good grades and be responsible and stuff. They just aren't emotionally supportive nor healthy and that's the big hole I want to fill. To this day I get anxious about talking to them and feel very uncomfortable telling them much about my life. FI has a much more friendly relationship with his parents and I'm pretty jealous of it. 

They're also very stingy with money despite having lots of it. I would like to be more generous to my kids. Not spoiling, but I will spend reasonable amounts on their hobbies and hopefully contribute to their weddings. 

Doing what you need to do to be happy- they moved from CA to OR 30 years ago and have been complaining about it ever since and talking about going back. There is NOTHING stopping them from doing so, but here they are 30 years later still in OR. Stuff like that makes me think they like being miserable. They also blame each other for things like that so I think they're codependent on each other to be miserable. 

bethsmiles

My parents are great and I think they did a lot of things right based on how my brother and I turned out. But still there are some things I would do differently.

- The biggest is that my mom has a pretty big anger problem. It caused a lot of strain on our relationship in high school and college. I can have a temper too but I'm working very hard on controlling it and managing my anger so that when we have kids I don't have the same anger problem my mom did.

- My dad wasn't always great with discipline. He definitely backed my mom but she was the bad guy 99%. I'd like for SO and I to share more equally in that role.

-  I never really saw my parents being affectionate toward each other. I don't want to be over the top affectionate with SO in front of the kids but it seems like it would be good for kids to see their parents being a couple sometimes.

There's a lot of thing SO's parents did that I want to steer clear of but that's more of a vent so I'll not go into that!

WinstonsGirl

Honestly, my parents are pretty awesome.  If we were having kids, I'd be happy if I parented as well as they did.  They encouraged us, came to our events to support us and let us make mistakes and learn too.  The only thing I could think of that I don't think was totally good was going into debt once to put us through activities (other things I'm sure too), but I'd do it for my kids in a heartbeat too.  I am very fortunate to have grown up with the family I have.  

DH's parents have given us some thought.  They recently separated after 40 years.  Some family issue came up and they briefly tried counselling, but they won't talk it out.  They are from a generation and culture where you don't air problems outside of the house (ie. with a counselor) and therefore won't deal with it cos they can't deal with it on their own.  That led to the separation.  I told DH I never want it to get to that with us, that we're always willing to work something out and go to counselling if needed.  He agrees, and we've been great so far.  

jenna8984

@fianceb That sounds like my FI's parents. They've been married 35 years but can't stand each other. They sleep in separate rooms but on facebook (and in person) they are all "we're so great for still being married". His mom is a hypochondriac who quit working a few years ago because of all her make believe symptoms. She keeps saying she's going to get disability and FI and I keep telling her "If you qualified you would have gotten it 3 years ago you psycho leech, you're not disabled you're just lazy!" Which in turn forces FFIL to work 2 jobs, 16 hours a day so they won't lose their home. He's so stressed about it, he had a heart attack last summer and it still hasn't pushed her to contribute to the household! And he is too much of a doormat to leave her because he knows she will have no one to support her. It's such a mess.

selenathegreat

Overall my parents did a great job. Home-cooked meals together every night, lots of family trips, lots of quality time. However...

1. Ditto the affection thing. Not a whole lot of physical affection in my family at all, gotta say. I think my parents get along pretty well, but are they "in love?" I dunno.

2. My dad and his whole family seem to operate under a veil of secrecy when it comes to health stuff. I don't care if you think it will worry me -- I want to know what's up!

3. My mom is big into holding grudges FOREVER. She has dropped most friends because they did something awful or other and the same for her sisters. I know I can have the tendency to hold grudges too, so this is something I have to watch.

4. SO MUCH guilt. I can never visit enough or call enough, EVER, but they rarely reciprocate. The guilt trips really eat at you.

5. If I have a kid and he/she gets married I am going to act SO supportive and excited even if I disagree with my kid's plans. SIGH.

erinlin25

my parents are absolutely wonderful don't get me wrong, but as an adult I see more things that make me say wow, I hope I am never like that!  My mom is extremely vain and it drives me crazy.  She is always worrying about what everyone will think about her in any given situation rather than feeling for the issue itself (ex: brother got divorced--what will people think of her!?) etc. Right now she thinks it is her responsibility to parent my nephew because "she knows better." so irritating and makes me enjoy that we live farther away so she cannot control my future children.  She is an excellent "grammy" but way too involved at times.

my dad is sport obsessed and will watch sports all day every day if he could.  He works hard so don't get me wrong he deserves his free time, but I am so thankful that my husband does not want to sit on the couch and watch espn all damn day. I wish they would go out more and enjoy being retired.

My MIL: I will never be as judgmental/controlling as her (and thank H sees the same fault).  She is very religious and that works for her, but comments she makes on how others are "wrong" because they eat meat, drink alcohol, raise their children a different way, etc... my list could go on!  

jdluvr06

My mom is amazing. After my dad died she was so strong. I still have no idea how she managed to hold everything together. Sometimes I wish I could be more like her. The on area where I'm not going to be like my mom is I'm not going to be so open about sex with my kids. Lol. I know that sounds odd but my mom is a little too open sometimes. For example, when my sister got married she bought her edible underwear. There were good things about her openness but I hope I can find a better balance.