What things have you learned you DON'T want to be like your parents?

CMGragain

Just another reminder that church can be a wonderful support group for young parents who have religious beliefs.  Many have outreach programs for young mothers.  It is so difficult for people who come from unhappy backgrounds.  Church can give you the love and confidence you lack.

JCbride2015

CMGragain said:

Just another reminder that church can be a wonderful support group for young parents who have religious beliefs.  Many have outreach programs for young mothers.  It is so difficult for people who come from unhappy backgrounds.  Church can give you the love and confidence you lack.

@CMGragain this is one reason I want to find a Unitarian or other inclusive church for us to join.  I'm not deeply religious but I think that community is really helpful to young families.

jdluvr06

JCBride2014 said:

CMGragain said:

Just another reminder that church can be a wonderful support group for young parents who have religious beliefs.  Many have outreach programs for young mothers.  It is so difficult for people who come from unhappy backgrounds.  Church can give you the love and confidence you lack.

@CMGragain this is one reason I want to find a Unitarian or other inclusive church for us to join.  I'm not deeply religious but I think that community is really helpful to young families.

I think community is really important for kids too. FI and I have already started looking for something that will instill that in our kids but churches are out of the question for is because we are Pagans.

sarahufl

My parents are pretty awesome. They raised 3 kids to be independent, smart, and take good care of ourselves. They stressed finances and being good with money. We never wanted for anything but they were VERY careful not to spoil us.

That said, my mom can be a bit petty and narcissistic. She picks fights a lot for no reason, although I have to say she has gotten better about it lately. She can border on overbearing sometimes but overall is a really great mother.

My dad is the calmest, most collected person I have ever met. In 31 years, we have never had a single fight about anything. But he also has cancer right now and is hiding stuff from us because he doesn't want us to worry. That, I would do differently. Transparency is best.

I would love it if I could be as good a parent as mine have been.

CMGragain

JCBride2014 said:

CMGragain said:

Just another reminder that church can be a wonderful support group for young parents who have religious beliefs.  Many have outreach programs for young mothers.  It is so difficult for people who come from unhappy backgrounds.  Church can give you the love and confidence you lack.

@CMGragain this is one reason I want to find a Unitarian or other inclusive church for us to join.  I'm not deeply religious but I think that community is really helpful to young families.

If you classify yourselves as Christians (followers of Jesus), you might investigate United Methodist Churches.  They do not have a specific set of rules for you to believe.  They are very inclusive of other Christians.  They often have child centered programs and associated nursery schools.

CMGragain

jdluvr06 said:

JCBride2014 said:

CMGragain said:

Just another reminder that church can be a wonderful support group for young parents who have religious beliefs.  Many have outreach programs for young mothers.  It is so difficult for people who come from unhappy backgrounds.  Church can give you the love and confidence you lack.

@CMGragain this is one reason I want to find a Unitarian or other inclusive church for us to join.  I'm not deeply religious but I think that community is really helpful to young families.

I think community is really important for kids too. FI and I have already started looking for something that will instill that in our kids but churches are out of the question for is because we are Pagans.

You could fit into a Unitarian congregation.

jenna8984

CMGragain said:

jdluvr06 said:

JCBride2014 said:

CMGragain said:

Just another reminder that church can be a wonderful support group for young parents who have religious beliefs.  Many have outreach programs for young mothers.  It is so difficult for people who come from unhappy backgrounds.  Church can give you the love and confidence you lack.

@CMGragain this is one reason I want to find a Unitarian or other inclusive church for us to join.  I'm not deeply religious but I think that community is really helpful to young families.

I think community is really important for kids too. FI and I have already started looking for something that will instill that in our kids but churches are out of the question for is because we are Pagans.

You could fit into a Unitarian congregation.

Thanks, I'm going to look into this. I do not believe in religion or I guess I have no religious affiliation but I have always liked the idea of the community that it provides. We don't have many friends so that is something I will look into. 

grumbledore

CMGragain said:

Just another reminder that church can be a wonderful support group for young parents who have religious beliefs.  Many have outreach programs for young mothers.  It is so difficult for people who come from unhappy backgrounds.  Church can give you the love and confidence you lack.

This is so true. The minister at our church loves to crack this joke:

"What is a Unitarian Universalist? An atheist with kids."

grumbledore

jenna8984 said:

CMGragain said:

jdluvr06 said:

JCBride2014 said:

CMGragain said:

Just another reminder that church can be a wonderful support group for young parents who have religious beliefs.  Many have outreach programs for young mothers.  It is so difficult for people who come from unhappy backgrounds.  Church can give you the love and confidence you lack.

@CMGragain this is one reason I want to find a Unitarian or other inclusive church for us to join.  I'm not deeply religious but I think that community is really helpful to young families.

I think community is really important for kids too. FI and I have already started looking for something that will instill that in our kids but churches are out of the question for is because we are Pagans.

You could fit into a Unitarian congregation.



Thanks, I'm going to look into this. I do not believe in religion or I guess I have no religious affiliation but I have always liked the idea of the community that it provides. We don't have many friends so that is something I will look into. 

JC if you have questions, feel free to PM me, or the UUA website has great info.

themuffinman16

I plan on giving my children unconditional love.  I plan on not giving them ultimatums, they will be free to make choices, and I will still love them, anyway.  I may not be happy with it, but I will not punish them for it, once they are adults.

  I plan on never fighting with my husband in front of my children.  We can have disagreements, but no screaming matches. I will not undermine his authority nor will he undermine mine, in front of our children.

  I plan on being strict with my children, as they were with me, but I also plan on telling them that I love them.

  I will respect my children, when they grow up.  If I am confident I am a good parent, I should be confident that I raised good children capable of making wise decisions.

   I plan on not having gendered roles... I will teach my boys how to cook, and my girls will be expected to mow the lawn or shovel.

  If my children get As in school, I would not act like somehow, there must be another grade above an A.

jennyleigh16

gmcr78 said:

Money is the biggest thing (other than not having kids).  My parents constantly struggled.  They were both bad with money and debt and unfortunately my mother bears the brunt of that today.
I have some debt but I am working very diligently to reduce and eliminate that now, while also saving.  I am not against going out to dinner or shopping or splurging once in awhile, however I won't skip paying a bill to do this and I have always felt like that was the first step in my separation from how my parents did things.

I don't know how things are in schools now, but when I was in high school, there was never any course on managing money.  I always thought that should be a required course in high school, to teach kids how to manage money, avoid debt and SAVE, and why it's important to start off on the right foot and not go into debt during your freshman year of college like so many do. 

I talk about this often with friends and co-workers in their early 20s. I graduated in 2007 and we didn't have such a thing, and every single person I speak to about it wishes they were taught about student loans, car payments, credit cards, BUDGETING, etc. 

In fact, that's the number one thing I wish my parents had done differently. They're fantastic parents and they were great in the sense that my brother and I more or less got everything we wanted growing up. They wanted to give us everything they never had as kids, but in the process they never taught us the value of money or to wait and save for something. As a result we've both made stupid decisions with money. When I was 16 I was making almost $1200 a month and I wasted it on stupid whims. It almost makes me sick to think about where I'd be today if I had been smarter and budgeted. 

Jells2dot0

jenbaer16 said:

gmcr78 said:

Money is the biggest thing (other than not having kids).  My parents constantly struggled.  They were both bad with money and debt and unfortunately my mother bears the brunt of that today.
I have some debt but I am working very diligently to reduce and eliminate that now, while also saving.  I am not against going out to dinner or shopping or splurging once in awhile, however I won't skip paying a bill to do this and I have always felt like that was the first step in my separation from how my parents did things.

I don't know how things are in schools now, but when I was in high school, there was never any course on managing money.  I always thought that should be a required course in high school, to teach kids how to manage money, avoid debt and SAVE, and why it's important to start off on the right foot and not go into debt during your freshman year of college like so many do. 

I talk about this often with friends and co-workers in their early 20s. I graduated in 2007 and we didn't have such a thing, and every single person I speak to about it wishes they were taught about student loans, car payments, credit cards, BUDGETING, etc. 

In fact, that's the number one thing I wish my parents had done differently. They're fantastic parents and they were great in the sense that my brother and I more or less got everything we wanted growing up. They wanted to give us everything they never had as kids, but in the process they never taught us the value of money or to wait and save for something. As a result we've both made stupid decisions with money. When I was 16 I was making almost $1200 a month and I wasted it on stupid whims. It almost makes me sick to think about where I'd be today if I had been smarter and budgeted. 

I agree that this is important. My SD just had a class this semester (she's a freshman in college) about this. I'm SO glad that something like this is offered, but college is too late. In her and her sister's case especially. My DH is super fiscally conservative, while their mom blew though ~$1M in five years and didn't work. She ended up having several credit cards default and several foreclosures. The kids used to make fun of DH for not having a maid or not driving a nicer car, even though their mom was doing all of that on someone else's dime (inheritance, DH's alimony and child support.) It sets a bad example and had they learned these skills at a younger age, they would have hopefully seen that their dad's approach was the right way. The actually thought you could not work and live in a gated community, drive a BMW, wear designer labels, and go on Hawaiian vacations for 10 nights.

CMGragain

There are "Life skills" classes in some schools that include budgeting in their curriculum.  Problem is, many of the students who need it most, don't pay attention.  They know what their parents have done, and that wasn't always very successful.  I have taught classes from public housing projects.  Their goals are usually short term.  Several young ladies have told me that they can't wait until they are sixteen so that they can have a baby and get their own apartment.   This is something that they PLAN to do!  When my son was in the required class, he yelled, "If you want to be loved, get a puppy!  You don't have the skills to raise a child yet!"
Many of the students were surprised to learn that they were not "middle class" according to the text definition.  I don't think that class really changed anyone's life skills, but they tried.
Oddly, the kids in the public housing project looked down on the kids from the trailer park.  I showed them that the trailer park kids had parents who owned their homes, as opposed to the apartment tenants who didn't.  It was a revelation to some.  To most, the only important thing was their day-to-day lifestyle.  Financial stability meant nothing to people who had never had it.