Trouble in Paradise *Update

doeydo

I don't have many close friends that I feel I can open up to about everything.  I'm on here daily and love you ladies.  So, here goes.  My FI and I have lived together for about a year.  In that year, we have had sex less and less often.  I would like to do it more often than he seems to and I also have issues with initiating.  He also has a sex addiction and we have had issues with webcam related activities.  We have agreed that that sort of thing is not OK in our relationship, but I have still caught him many of times.

He also has a permanent, non-fixable mental condition that affects him in numerous ways, such as impulse control and money management.  Our joint account is "two to sign" to get any money out and I also have a chequing account and a credit card that he does not have access to.  We have agreed to do it this way so that he does not spend all our money; if he has money in his pocket, it is like he has to spend it and he does.  He would go out and get pass out/blackout drunk, buy things for his Xbox, etc.  Anyways, if he wants a bit of money to get coffee or he is going out with a friend or whatever, I have no problem giving him some cash.  But he has crossed the line a few times by going into my purse without asking me and taking money from my wallet and has even used my credit card without permission.  

For the past year or two, we have been seeing a therapist together and separately.  I would like to see her more often, but she's a busy lady.  I have gotten in contact with someone who specializes in his mental condition and we are setting up a time to meet.  I would like to learn more about the mental condition and figure out how other couples deal with it.  I would also like to know which of his actions are related or caused by the fact that he has the mental condition.  

For the past few weeks, I have been feeling off.  I guess depressed or sad would describe it.  Some days I think that I should break up with him.  Other days I feel like once I learn more about his condition, we can set up a dynamic or something that might work for us.  I guess I just am looking for some advice here.  

Update in thread

lyndausvi

Honestly,  everything you said would be a deal breaker for me.       Maybe I'm a bitch, but I just not strong enough to handle having to babysit like that.

SBmini

First, sorry to hear about the problems you have been having. I think it is very natural- and healthy- to have deep and profound feelings of whether or not you are doing the right thing when you are engaged. Getting married is a HUGE deal and you want to make sure you are with the right person and not making a mistake. 

I would not feel bad about having those feelings at all, I would think through it and be honest with yourself about your relationship, your fiance's addiction and conditions and be honest about whether or not you can- or want to- be his wife. And if the answer is no, it's better to break if off now, than divorce later.

Good luck with what ever you choose!

manateehugger

Let me start with a hug and and my sympathies for the struggle you are going through.

Now for my bluntish honesty: It's one thing if he's got some issues that you two are working through together, but you've said this behavior is permanent factor. I could not marry a man I did not trust to not steal from me. He sounds like a misbehaving teen, not a man - which means he will never grow up if your therapist is saying the condition is permanent. Every woman deserves to marry someone she can trust. 

Can you see yourself 20 years from now, still arguing with him about his sex addiction or about how he stole $20 from your purse last night or over whether he needs $50 or $30 to go out with his friends that night? 

I might be shallow or cruel, but I would be gone.

Edited for format issues.

CMGragain

Doeydo, you know I have come to care about you, reading your posts.  I want to help you, but I am not sure I can.
Is your FI  ADD?  My son is a severe case, and I would understand this.  You are correct.  It is not fixable.
I am concerned for you because there seems to be a problem with trust in your relationship.  You ask your FI to make promises, but you are aware that he cannot/will not be able to keep those promises.
How can you develop the trust that is needed to make a marriage work?
Some people look for mates who make them feel needed.  They hope to fix their partners as a sign of their love.  Are you making this mistake?  Are you enabling your FI?  Are you trying to change him?  It does sound like it.

I have a relative who thinks that she is happily married.  She has confided in me that she has not had sex with her husband for 18 years.  I was shocked!  As far as I know, her husband doesn't fool around.  He just told her, one day, that the thought of having sex made him sick to his stomach.  She seems reconciled to this.  I wouldn't be.  How would you feel?

I think you are doing the right thing by going to counseling, but counseling won't change who you are.  Your FI won't ever be responsible with money, and his internet addiction may get worse.  Can you be happy like this?  What if you have children together?

I think you are very brave for posting this.  There are a lot of divorced people out there who should have asked some of the questions you are asking yourself before jumping into marriage.  You cannot make your relationship work by yourself.  It takes two.

Love and hugs sent your way.

PM me if I can help.

AprilH81

Personally I could never marry someone who I couldn't trust with my/our money.  Even though is lack of impulse control is caused by his disability, I would go crazy with worry wondering if today was the day he would max out the credit card or steal my personal ATM.

Is he able to hold down a job?  How does he control his impulses while working?

I'm sorry you are down, but I would think VERY, VERY hard about marrying someone with problems this severe.  

CMGragain

doeydo said:

I don't have many close friends that I feel I can open up to about everything.  I'm on here daily and love you ladies.  So, here goes.  My FI and I have lived together for about a year.  In that year, we have had sex less and less often.  I would like to do it more often than he seems to and I also have issues with initiating.  He also has a sex addiction and we have had issues with webcam related activities.  We have agreed that that sort of thing is not OK in our relationship, but I have still caught him many of times.

He also has a permanent, non-fixable mental condition that affects him in numerous ways, such as impulse control and money management.  Our joint account is "two to sign" to get any money out and I also have a chequing account and a credit card that he does not have access to.  We have agreed to do it this way so that he does not spend all our money; if he has money in his pocket, it is like he has to spend it and he does.  He would go out and get pass out/blackout drunk, buy things for his Xbox, etc.  Anyways, if he wants a bit of money to get coffee or he is going out with a friend or whatever, I have no problem giving him some cash.  But he has crossed the line a few times by going into my purse without asking me and taking money from my wallet and has even used my credit card without permission.  

For the past year or two, we have been seeing a therapist together and separately.  I would like to see her more often, but she's a busy lady.  I have gotten in contact with someone who specializes in his mental condition and we are setting up a time to meet.  I would like to learn more about the mental condition and figure out how other couples deal with it.  I would also like to know which of his actions are related or caused by the fact that he has the mental condition.  

For the past few weeks, I have been feeling off.  I guess depressed or sad would describe it.  Some days I think that I should break up with him.  Other days I feel like once I learn more about his condition, we can set up a dynamic or something that might work for us.  I guess I just am looking for some advice here.  

JCbride2015

I also have come to know you a bit through your posts and care about you.  I wish you the best and this sounds like such a tough situation.

As @CMGragain said, counseling is great but it will not change who you both are, or whatever permanent condition your Fi has.  I think you need to decide if you are okay with things being this way forever.  What is his condition?  Can he manage it or will he always exhibit this behavior?

For me, this would be a deal breaker.  It sounds like you can't trust Fi (whether that is because of his mental condition, or not).  Whatever the reason, fearing that my partner would steal from me or irresponsibly spend all our joint money would not be tolerable for me.  And the sex addiction/ webcam cheating is a huge red flag, especially because you've talked about it and still caught him.

FiancB

I agree with PPs. It's hard when you know an illness is a big factor, but you still need to look out for yourself too. Mental illness or no, it sounds like you are the one holding this together while he is disrespecting you, both financially and sexually. My ex had problems with serious depression and anxiety, and since I struggled too I just couldn't be around it anymore. He would drag me down with him. I think it would've been different if he'd been more proactive about it, but in a lot of ways he seemed to think it made him superior to others, especially intellectually. We also started having sex less and less, and I found that really hurtful. Especially since he was still watching porn- I don't really mind that, but when used to the exclusion of intimacy with me, it IS a huge problem.

CMGragin brought up a great point- are you trying to change him? Do you have hopes that he will change? Because he won't. Maybe he will improve slightly, but those traits will always be there, lurking around the corner. If you don't feel like you couldn't be with him [i]exactly the way he is right now[/i] for decades, then you absolutely cannot marry him.

You are really brave not only for posting this but for being honest with yourself and for seeking help. Wishing the best for you.

doeydo

Thank you all for your replies.  He has Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD).  As I understand, he can work as long as it is not for too long of a shift.  For example, a 9-5 sort of job would not work for him.  He has a couple of seasonal jobs.  I do not think I want to change him, but maybe a part of me hopes that if we find a way of working things out that we will no longer have to deal with the cyber sex sort of things, stealing/lying, or getting super drunk issues anymore.  

smalfrie19

I apologize if these seems insensitive, but if he has a sex addiction, how are you having less sex? Are you putting him off? I assume not since you state you wish it was more often. As for the money thing, that would bother me. I don't carry cash with me, but if I were in your situation, I would never carry cash in addition to having my own account, but that he stole your CC makes it very difficult to trust, that's not just about impulse control, its about deceit....

manateehugger

doeydo said:

Thank you all for your replies.  He has Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD).  As I understand, he can work as long as it is not for too long of a shift.  For example, a 9-5 sort of job would not work for him.  He has a couple of seasonal jobs.  I do not think I want to change him, but maybe a part of me hopes that if we find a way of working things out that we will no longer have to deal with the cyber sex sort of things, stealing/lying, or getting super drunk issues anymore.  

Here's my concern though - and I'm not informed enough, so talk with a therapist before blindly taking my advice - if you work through the cyber sex, stealing, and constant blacking out, if the impulse control issues are permanent, would another destructive behavior just emerge? Would you "fix" one problem just to open the door to another one?

QueerFemme

I am sure this is eating you up, but honestly, there is no way I'd want to babysit an adult for the rest of my life.  If you continue this relationship, that's what you are agreeing to.

jenna8984

I'm honestly not trying to be rude or dismiss anyone's mental conditions, but what condition exactly would cause someone to spend money? That just sounds like a habit to me. Even people with shopoholic addiction can go to to therapy and be cured just like most addictions. 

You said you'd want sex more often than him...how does that line up with someone who is a sex addict? Wouldn't he want it all the time? Again, not an addiction I'm familiar with, just seems weird that someone with an addiction to it wouldn't be the one begging for more of it. 

I would not be able to deal with either of those personally. I think relationships should be 95% amazing and happy and fulfilling. I understand nobody is perfect and life is not all kittens and rainbows and relationships take work, hence the other 5%. But it shouldn't be THAT much work that you seem to be dealing with. He should be enhancing your life, not taking from it. 

Even the fact that you think about breaking up with him to me is a red flag that you should really evaluate where you stand, and go with those feelings. I have never dreamed of breaking up with FI ever so that feeling you have doesn't sound normal and is probably your gut saying listen to me! I know it's hard, but evaluating now really is better than facing divorce in a few years. I was with my ex for 3 years and I loved him so much. He never did anything wrong, he was such a great man. But there was just always something nagging in my gut that he just wasn't "the one" I was meant to be with forever. I followed that feeling and ended it, all my friends were shocked since he was a great man. But now that I have my FI and I DO have that overwhelming gut feeling that he IS the one, I am so glad I made the right decision. And you deserve to have that feeling as well. 

doeydo

For those asking about money, the following kind of describes why it is hard for some people with FASD to handle money: http://www.fasdwaterlooregion.ca/strategies-tools/teaching-about-money

As for the sex addiction, my understanding is that sex with me it does not fulfill that for him.  

manateehugger

doeydo said:

For those asking about money, the following kind of describes why it is hard for some people with FASD to handle money: http://www.fasdwaterlooregion.ca/strategies-tools/teaching-about-money

As for the sex addiction, my understanding is that sex with me it does not fulfill that for him.  

Again, I might be shallow, but I could not live with this kind of addiction. And the link you posted is for teaching "children and teens."

Can I ask, what do you enjoy about him as a person? Your relationship?

QueerFemme

doeydo said:

For those asking about money, the following kind of describes why it is hard for some people with FASD to handle money: http://www.fasdwaterlooregion.ca/strategies-tools/teaching-about-money

As for the sex addiction, my understanding is that sex with me it does not fulfill that for him.  

So, I'm not going to fault him. If he has a mental condition that causes these behaviors, then I don't judge.  What I will say is, do you really want this life?   Can you really see yourself living the rest of your life with someone you have to hide money from, and doesn't get his sexual pleasure from you?

I think you need to focus more on what you want out of your life, and less about trying to have him learn to control his behaviors.  

CMGragain

doeydo said:

Thank you all for your replies.  He has Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD).  As I understand, he can work as long as it is not for too long of a shift.  For example, a 9-5 sort of job would not work for him.  He has a couple of seasonal jobs.  I do not think I want to change him, but maybe a part of me hopes that if we find a way of working things out that we will no longer have to deal with the cyber sex sort of things, stealing/lying, or getting super drunk issues anymore.  

Yes, you are trying to change him.  I know you are afraid right now.  Breaking up with him will hurt you - a lot.  Growth is very painful.  You need to continue to see your therapist.

As I said, my son is severely ADD.  He had a difficult birth, breathing problems, and there was some minimal brain damage.  I was a stay-at-home Mom for longer than I would have liked because I was putting in extra time for him.
I taught him to admit his mistakes and apologize.
I taught him to explain his muscle twitches (Tourette's) and forgetfulness, but never to use them as an excuse.
He learned to compensate somewhat for his handicap with intensive therapy and planning aids.
This was done while he was a CHILD, not an adult, whose brain is fully formed.

When my son was in the 6th grade, I was visiting the school.  He and another boy who was also ADD were running in the hall, and the boys bumped into me and another parent.   My son stopped immediately and said ,"Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry I did that!  Are you hurt?  I shouldn't have been running."  The other boy said "It's not my fault!  I'm ADD!" and ran away.

My son graduated University of Maryland with a degree in engineering, has a high government security clearance, and makes six figures. He still does stupid, impulsive stuff, and he always will.  He will always need medication to function semi-normally.  His face still twitches occasionally when he's stressed.  He never remembers my birthday.
The other boy was sent to a juvenile detention facility for drug dealing by the time he was 15.  He never learned to take responsibility for his actions.
Both boys had the same disability.
Fetal alcohol syndrome is a permanent physical disability, like ADD.  It is not a mental illness.  It cannot be cured.  It sounds like your FI has more going on than just that.  What does your therapist say?
Doeydo, I think you deserve the best.  I sense that you are unhappy.  I think you should move out, put your wedding plans on hold, or even cancel, and decide what you really want in a partner.  Being in love is not enough.  Wanting to help is not enough.  You deserve the best.

doeydo

PDKH said:

doeydo said:

For those asking about money, the following kind of describes why it is hard for some people with FASD to handle money: http://www.fasdwaterlooregion.ca/strategies-tools/teaching-about-money

As for the sex addiction, my understanding is that sex with me it does not fulfill that for him.  

Again, I might be shallow, but I could not live with this kind of addiction. And the link you posted is for teaching "children and teens."

Can I ask, what do you enjoy about him as a person? Your relationship?

Page 28 might be more helpful from this link  http://www.communitylivingbc.ca/wp-content/uploads/Supporting-Success-for-Adults-with-FASD.pdf

jenna8984

doeydo said:

For those asking about money, the following kind of describes why it is hard for some people with FASD to handle money: http://www.fasdwaterlooregion.ca/strategies-tools/teaching-about-money

As for the sex addiction, my understanding is that sex with me it does not fulfill that for him.  

That link is interesting. Thank you for sharing, I didn't know anything about that syndrome and it makes more sense that your FI isn't just a jackass that spends money. 

Swazzle

I am so sorry that you're in this situation. 

I have to agree with PPs that I would personally not be able to marry a man like this for all of the reasons that have already been listed above. It doesn't sound like counseling has had that much of an impact on the issues at hand. 

Do you really foresee yourself being happy the majority of the time as you are forced to live your life like this? Are you comfortable with the idea that you'll be spending your whole life working towards "fixing" him and/or making life manageable? 

Fran1985

I read something recently that I think applies to your situation. There are two qualities of flaws: there are deal breakers, and there are things that are price of admission for the relationship. The price of admission for my FI is that he is terrible at doing dishes, he is not great at buying presents without guidance. For others it might be being late, tends to be more of a homebody, etc. There is no third category of "undesirable characteristics that you will be able to make the other person change." I repeat- there is no third category. Are you ready to sign up for the rest of your life with this man? Everything you listed (sex addiction, can't be trusted around money, could potentially wipe out all your money, looking at webcams, broken promises), would fall into my deal breaker category. You need to see your FI as he is right now, and decide whether you can accept that. 

grumbledore

lyndausvi said:

Honestly,  everything you said would be a deal breaker for me.       Maybe I'm a bitch, but I just not strong enough to handle having to babysit like that.

Likewise.  The only thing I could suggest is therapy and you are already doing that.

NavyBlue143

I am so sorry you are going through this. It does not make you a bad person to wonder if you can handle this for the rest of your life. It's hard. Hell, my DH has ADHD and that is no picnic. He has poor impulse control, can't budget, and gets distracted and forgets to pay bills. We have dealt with this by setting up a budget I devised, I pay bills, and his "fun money" is a set amount of cash that gets taken out at the beginning of the pay period and when it's gone, it's gone. I do it too because it really helps with impulse purchases.

But those were all things he knew were weaknesses, he just felt powerless to change his habits. He wanted to get better, I gave him the push and counseling gave him the tools. We found a system that worked and now he doesn't need me to babysit him anymore about money and time management. He just needs the occasional gentle reminder. I can manage that. It took adjustment, but I know I can be happy with the way things currently stand. Can you? If this is the best it gets, can you live that way? Don't bank on things getting better. If he has a mental impairment, and counseling and therapy haven't helped yet, they may not. I only hung in there because H was very aware of his limitations, asked for my help, and worked hard to change his habits because HE wanted to. For me, but also for himself.

We had the discussion what if things didn't get better, what if he was the best he was capable of? I told him I didn't think I could live that way, but knowing he was trying like hell would probably help. Fortunately he found methods that worked. But don't go in assuming that will be the case.

Rebl90

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this right now, I'm sure you love your FI but he is definitely making it hard for you.

You're right in saying that FAS isn't curable, it's extremely hard to treat, and he will struggle with this for his entire life.  An individual with FAS does not think the same way as those of us unaffected by the disorder. His brain was wired differently in the womb.  BUT, this does not excuse his behavior or mean that you should just live with it. It is very hard for individuals with FAS or who were born addicted to other drugs to have stable relationships, my brother is adopted and was born addicted to methamphetamine, I know what it's like to be close to someone who's brain doesn't think the same way mine does. 

This will break you down, you will not be able to trust him because he is continuing to break your trust. Will you be able to live with this 2, 5, or 10 years from now?

 It makes me so sad to hear that you are hurting, and I hope you can make the right decision for your heart.  

pinkshorts27

I don't want to be insensitive, but where is paradise in this relationship? All I see are problems and you babysitting him. I want a partner in a relationship not someone who cheats/lies/cannot control himself. Any of these alone would be deal breakers for me. 

jdluvr06

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't add anything other than that I agree with PPs. I couldn't live like that and I think that it could sink you lower and lower. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts.

SmileDamnit

Oh Doeydo, my heart breaks for you. FASD is a dramatic & unique disorder, and it can manifest in people quite differently. That said, it is truly "part" of him. And I don't mean any disrespect by that, but rather mean that it is part of "who" he is. There is no changing that. Ever. Couple that with a sex addiction and girl, you've got yourself a very steep uphill battle. He can go to therapy & counseling to learn how cope with it - gain life & social skills, mechanisms to deal with day-to-day interactions. BUT, that is on HIM. And him alone. And *if* you choose to be part of that, it should be a very cognizant choice by you. I know you love your FI, but that doesn't mean you have to sign on for this…doesn't mean you aren't an awesome & caring & loving person if you don't. Kudos to you for getting therapy. My only advice is to continue your individual sessions and focus on who you are/what you are seeking out of a relationship personally. Once you have a firm grasp on that, then you can decide if you are the person to "deal" (honestly, for lack of better word) with FI's disorder for the rest of your life. I, personally, fear you'll end up a martyr as is now, based on what you described. That will serve neither of you well. 

{{hugs}}…lots of them.

EverAfer

I don't know if this will help you.

One of my good friends had recently decided she's ready to walk away from her husband. He's been an alcoholic for over 50 years, it ruined his first marriage, relationships with his children, and now this marriage. It took her a lot of pain and therapy to realize she either accept him with the alcoholism or move on. They've had good years, but some really difficult ones too. Now more bad than good.

If you stay, you're accepting the lack of trust and intimacy. You might spend nights wondering if he's ok or blacked out somewhere. Do you want children? Do you want to live comfortably and plan for whatever you want: house, travel, retirement without worrying about your money disappearing? Can he be a good life partner to you?

This sounds like something that might not get better, will you be ok with that?

It's unfortunate that he has this condition, but I hope you think about what you want for yourself.

penguin44

I dated a guy where I basically had to take care of him (depression) and I had to watch everything that I did around him. I really did love him, and I thought I was happy with him. When we finally broke up, I realized how much easier and happier I was without him. And two months later I started dating my FI. I have realized that that old relationship was not really how relationships are supposed to work. I shouldn't have to wonder about when we will have sex next. Or if he will be passed out drunk in the shower. My life is so much better now. Obviously your situation is different, but I wanted to give my two cents. I agree with what PPs have said. 

larrygaga

I am sorry. You are doing great by talking about it and seeing a therapist. You should think about what it is that you do love about him, and if that is enough to work through his disability for the rest of your life. Don't be 100% selfless for him, it won't do either of you any good. Although you can't change him, perhaps you can figure out a system that works. Many people would leave that relationship, as you can probably see just from this discussion. Not many of them would have been in love with someone who has a serious disability. I believe you could make this relationship work, but only if you are willing to not change him, but work with what he's got. This will most likely make or break your marriage. 

What about taking a little break? Separate yourself for an extended period of time and see how you feel. If you are happier not worrying about what he's doing constantly, and you don't really miss him, then you know what the answer is. If you realize that the babysitting aspect of it doesn't matter, and you miss him and love him, that's another story.