Trouble in Paradise *Update

doeydo

Yes, we are seeing the same counselor for couples` therapy and for our individual sessions.  I feel comfortable opening up to her about things without my FI finding out or hearing about it, not that I have big secrets or anything.

BreMR

Doeydo, I do not have any advice that differs from everything that has been said here, but I just wanted to jump in and say that I hope everything works out for you. 

It is also very nice to see all of the ladies here joining together to support you and give you positive advice... 

emmyg65

@doeydo, I totally understand your fear of being alone. Once upon a time, I was in a relationship that was okay. It wasn't bad, but I wasn't very happy or fulfilled. I struggled for a long time (a year!) and finally realized that I was never going to be happy with that man, and it wasn't fair to either of us. The break-up was really hard for both of us, and I was so scared I'd never find a man as good as that (which was just pretty mediocre, tbh). But I learned to love being alone. And most important, I learned to love myself and advocate for myself and my needs. Being alone can actually be pretty fucking awesome.

Hang in there. You're in a lot of people's thoughts.

doeydo

So, I have been doing some thinking and stuff lately.  I have also been feeling better in general and have a better outlook on things.  
Today, we met with someone who used to run a support group for people in our area with FASD and their family and friends (the group doesn't run anymore).  She gave us a lot of papers to read through and it was helpful to speak with her.  I am trying to wrap my head around everything still, as when he does some things it may make me think about my values/morals and make judgements.  For example, if he were to get money somehow and spend it like crazy, I might think that he is being irresponsible, he doesn't care about saving for X (right now it's the wedding), he is a liar, etc.  However, as the lady we met with today said, I have to try to understand that expecting him to manage money like a "normal" person just isn't realistic, and it doesn't mean that he is a bad person, etc. and she used an example of asking someone who needs glasses (who was not wearing glasses at the time) to read something on a board, and the person is literally unable to, no matter how hard they try.  The lady also said that we should make certain accommodations (a lot of which we were already doing) to deal with his disability.  Also, she recommended using 'outer brain', for example when he is tempted to spend money recklessly, he can call me or contact me to ask me what I think about it because he doesn't have the same decision making processes as "normal" people, etc.  Anyways, I think I am more accepting of the fact that he is the way he is and FASD is a part of that, or at least I am trying to be.
On Monday, we have our appointment with our regular therapist.  We will speak with her about our appointment we had today as well as the issues we had been experiencing that I listed in my OP and previous posts.  

HisGirlFriday13

Good luck. I'm pulling for you, however that turns out, although I still endorse leaving him.

ETA: I just want you to be happy and be in an equal partnership.

JennyColada

I'm all about learning to be happy with a partner that is good for you and is supportive of your growth as an individual and as a partnership.

However, that's just not what this seems like. It honestly seems like you're just trying to find happiness in settling, and that just makes me weary.

I don't know, I obviously don't know your relationship so I only know based on a couple of snippets that you post here and there, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

wandajune6

I don't have anything to add beyond what the PP's have said - I just want to send you warm wishes. You're a very brave woman to be where you are now. It also sounds like you're strong- and getting stronger.

When I got engaged I put serious thought into whether or not I could live with the things that bother and scare me- and if I could handle it if they get worse. It's a scary thing to think about when uou love someone but I wish you the best for figuring it out for yourself.

Blergbot

I'm glad you're feeling more positive. I would just recommend giving it A LOT more time before to make a decision one way or the other. One therapy session isn't going to fix everything. Give yourself some time to figure out whether or not you're in this for life.

CMGragain

What your counselor said makes sense.  You need to decide what your needs are, and whether or not you can live with the limitations of your FI's disability.  I am still very worried about you.
I think you really need to read this book.  It has so much wisdom.

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1399699571&sr=1-1&keywords=women+who+love+too+much

AddieCake

Vibes that whatever is best and healthiest for the both of you is what will happen in the long run!

hikebikebemerry

I really feel for you in this situation, and I agree with so much of what PPs have said.  And even though I haven't been posting much as of late, I always love your posts and have a lot of respect for what you have to say.

I think the woman who runs this support group seems to think the work required to maintain this relationship is very one-sided (your "job").  Clearly, I wasn't there- so I can't speak to the overall tone of your conversation with her; but from what I've read, I'm not sure if he has the ability to call you first to ask if he is "making a wise decision".

At the end of the day, you have to make sure that you can take care of yourself.  I have seen so many relationships deteriorate because one piece of the partnership gave too much, and could no longer take care of themselves.

Big hugs!