NER: Secular pre-marital counseling?

Sars06

My fiance and I are interested in doing some pre-marital counseling before our August wedding. Does anyone here have any experience with non-religious pre-marriage workshops? Like an Engaged Encounter for agnostics? We're not looking to address any specific issues, so I'm hoping to find something that's sort of a "here are some of the things that will come up in your marriage and let's talk about how to work through them."

emmyg65

We were looking for something similar but couldn't find anything in our area that didn't looked schlocky or scammy. After some googling, I found a document called The Commitment Conversation. The organization that put it out is now defunct, but they left the PDF online. It's a really useful guide of all kinds of topics you should discuss.

http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/cc2.html

Sars06

emmyg65 said:

We were looking for something similar but couldn't find anything in our area that didn't looked schlocky or scammy. After some googling, I found a document called The Commitment Conversation. The organization that put it out is now defunct, but they left the PDF online. It's a really useful guide of all kinds of topics you should discuss.

http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/cc2.html

Interesting! Thanks. We actually have some pretty good books along a similar vein, but I worry that we'll have trouble motivating ourselves to actually go through the exercises on our own. It's signing up for a fitness class vs. saying you'll do it on your own.

HisGirlFriday13

I had a therapist for several years (prior to DH and unrelated to our marriage) who also did pre-marital counselling for couples. It was not faith-based, although there were other therapists in her group who did do faith-based pre-marital counselling.

I'd do a Google search for 'marital therapists + your state' and see what you come up with. A lot of trained therapists who do marriage counselling will do pre-marital counselling as a way to just kind of get a check-up on things.

labro

Have you found an officiant for your wedding yet? Our's has offered us pre-marital counseling. He's a pastor at a local church but since we're not religious he's willing to focus only on the secular portions for us and discuss religion only if we want to. I honestly haven't looked in to workshops or anything.

Sars06

@HisGirlFriday13 I thought about that, but I don't think marriage counseling is covered by our insurance. So I'm hoping to find something less expensive than the $200/hour we would pay out of pocket for individual sessions.

Sars06

LaPeanut1018 said:

Have you found an officiant for your wedding yet? Our's has offered us pre-marital counseling. He's a pastor at a local church but since we're not religious he's willing to focus only on the secular portions for us and discuss religion only if we want to. I honestly haven't looked in to workshops or anything.

We have an awesome officiant, but she doesn't have any experience offering pre-marital counseling. Also, she's out of state.

HisGirlFriday13

Sars06 said:

@HisGirlFriday13 I thought about that, but I don't think marriage counseling is covered by our insurance. So I'm hoping to find something less expensive than the $200/hour we would pay out of pocket for individual sessions.

H'mm. I'd still look into it. Some places will work with your insurance, or find a way to get you covered.

banana468

Ditto looking into a marriage / family therapist.

We only did the classes through the Catholic Church but BIL and SIL did both as MIL was (and is) quite difficult to deal with particularly with matters related to BIL. When she told BIL on the day SIL ' S grandmother passed that he was to "get SIL on a plane this weekend for her shower or don't bother coming home now and don't bother coming home ever, " they knew they needed outside help to set some boundaries.

selenathegreat

Our Unitarian officiant is doing a secular ceremony and also offered premarital counseling, but it was $$ so we're skipping it, though I'm sure it would be good. If you have a school nearby with a psychology grad program, they might offer low-cost therapy too.

pennyluwho

Just a thought for you... if you have insurance through you or your fiances employment, you may have EAP (employee assistance program) benefits that are specifically related to mental health services. It is usually a service with little to no copay that allows you to seek counseling. This is a brief (usually 3, 5, 8, or 12 sessions) counseling that can also be used for couples! At the company I used to work for in EAP, we saw couples all the time! If may be a licensed clinical mental health counselor and not a licensed marriage and family therapist, but depending on their training they have likely had training working with couples as well. Hope this helps!

chkmeowt

My FI and I did secular premarital counseling. We found ours through rec's on the Knot.

Our's used Prepare/Enrich, which you can search by zip to find one near you and it lets you search for secular counselors. 

https://www.prepare-enrich.com/webapp/pe/couples/template/DisplaySecureContent.vm;pc=1310428309188?id=pe*couples*for_couples.html&emb_sch_id=0&emb_lng_code=ENGLISH#how_to_choose_facilitator

MuppetOverlord

I did it with my ex.  I am an athiest but we went to the monk who was the religious advisor with my alma mater. He understood that we were not religious and we didn't discuss religion at all, except that we were on the same page about it.   We went through all of the other exercises that you would over 3 or 4 sessions.

Honestly, it was the beginning of the end for me. We worked out a lot of what our problems were (well, he was the problem) and he agreed to make a number of changes.. and then we got married..and he didn't make any changes.

I suggest that when you go through this, in however manner you choose, really take it to heart and where there are issues, work them out before the wedding!

OliveOilsMom

If you can't find anything else reasonably priced, I would suggest going on one of the Engaged Encounters that the local Catholic Church offers.  You shouldn't need to be a parishioner and the actual retreat isn't really all that religious.  While H & I did a different pre-marital counseling with the Church, it was not religious at all until the end when we had Mass prior to leaving for the day.  They will go through Natural Family Planning, which the Church encourages over BCPs, but it's not overly religious.  

The program is run by a priest to keep things going, but mostly, each topic covered is presented by a married couple.  Then you will break off into smaller groups with the other engaged couples and discuss the topic.  And repeat.  

Sars06

pennyluwho said:

Just a thought for you... if you have insurance through you or your fiances employment, you may have EAP (employee assistance program) benefits that are specifically related to mental health services. It is usually a service with little to no copay that allows you to seek counseling. This is a brief (usually 3, 5, 8, or 12 sessions) counseling that can also be used for couples! At the company I used to work for in EAP, we saw couples all the time! If may be a licensed clinical mental health counselor and not a licensed marriage and family therapist, but depending on their training they have likely had training working with couples as well. Hope this helps!

Good idea! I do have an EAP, but I've never used it.

phira

We just found a couples therapist. I recommend asking about insurance right away--lots of therapists aren't "in network" even when they do take the insurance you have. Very complicated. Our therapist sees us at a reduced rate (e.g. $15, much less than the copay would be) because we're let her record sessions for a research study, and in terms of how insurance is billed, it's "family counseling."

pennyluwho

@Sars06 You should! It's there for a reason! Depending on the company, your EAP benefits renew every six months to a year, so it can be something that you can use for "maintenance" as well!

smalfrie19

My FI and I see a therapist for couples counseling. Its is billed to my insurance just like my individual therapy is.

Sugargirl1019

I second the Prepare/Enrich program. There is a short discussion from your answers regarding whether you have talked about your stances on religion/what it means in your life. But otherwise it's FANTASTIC and highlighted some things that we had to discuss more before marriage!

Very secular IMO and so worthwhile for a great marriage.