Couple? Not a couple? Huh?! [+follow-up question] [+update #2]

312Emily

So I'm two days away from sending out invites. Two days.  My mom calls me tonight saying she talked to Mrs. Smith, whose whole family is invited, as a family on their invitation.  The two younger sons live at home and are not adults.  The oldest, who is two years out of college and in grad school, was included on his parents' invite because honestly, the kid is busy in school and I'd be tracking down his RSVP (victimless etiquette crime, and my biggest faux pas, this is the only family that is all invited, so let's move on).

So this woman and my mom talked today. She told my mom that oldest son, let's call him Jake, has a girlfriend now who lives in my city and is a wedding planner, they've told her about the wedding, and she has been gushing about my venue. And the girl's family is hosting the boy and his friends when he comes to town for Lollapalooza so it'd be so nice for them to do something else fun the weekend before (idk, whatever).  So she asks my mom since it's late in the game if the girl can just come for the dancing portion.  My mom tells her that she's sure the girl can come for the whole thing (of course, we're not tiering the damn reception) but she just needs to check with me, the bride.

I tell my mom of course this girl can come, but I'm thinking to myself I will be livid if they RSVP yes for her and she is a no-show.  Because seriously, what wedding planner, in peak wedding season is getting two Saturdays off in a row?  My mom texts this lady back and  says she's so happy the boy has a girlfriend and of course she can come for the whole thing, but oops, we don't have any more invites (we really do not have a single extra), so if she can just RSVP for the girl if she is able to make it.

This boy is my friend, and we have talked about this girl before because she dated one of his other friends like 5 years ago (all good things, more of just a she exists type discussion).  So I message him on Facebook:

Me: You ARE dating Julie!  I had a hunch!

Him: Not dating. But I assume you talked to your mom.

Me: Wait, I'm confused. She's your girlfriend, right?

Him: No she isn't.

Me: Ohhhh. So my mom is confused then.

Him: It's a gray area right now.

Me: My mom interpreted it as gf. Anyway, totally happy to have Julie come if she can make it. I know it's in peak wedding season, so just keep me posted.

Him: Well I hope my mom didn't lie. I will. Thanks.

I am really, really confused. On the one hand, it's one person, but it's an in-town guest with a job that will probably require her to work, and as the added guest of someone who doesn't really understand the expense of weddings yet. And clearly there is some fishy communication on their status as a couple if the guy himself is saying they aren't (so they are not a social unit to be invited together).  She's verbally invited, but this feels all very informal and I'm a little weirded out by the guy's response. I don't want to be bitchy about it, but I'm kind of thinking the informality of the addition of this girl to the family's invite means the status could change.  The whole situation seems really flaky (they're not a couple AND she's a wedding planner taking the following weekend off).  Should I just follow up with him personally a couple weeks before the wedding with a message of "Hey! So excited to see you in two weeks!  Is Julie able to make it still?"

HisGirlFriday13

Yes, you should. Because people only get invited with their SOs if THEY'LL publicly identify as a couple, not if their mommies are guilty of wishful thinking and assign an importance to a relationship that's not there.

If he's not identifying them as a couple, they're not a couple, and she doesn't have to be included as an SO.

And yeah -- two weekends off in a row during peak wedding season? Unlikely.

JCbride2015

Yeah, I would just follow up with him before your catering deadline to confirm.  This does indeed all sound sort of fishy to me.

pinkcow13

Definitely sounds fishy. They're probably just hooking up, but the mom thinks/wishes it is something more. He is probably less than thrilled at having to bring her to a wedding! I would also say to follow up with him before the wedding just to confirm if she will be coming or not.

312Emily

To HisGirlFriday13JCBride2014, thanks for the gut check.  Will definitely be following up with the guy directly before my catering deadline.

SammiNJonni

I would follow up with him before your headcount is due it does sound like wishful thinking on the moms part.

Jen4948

SammiNJonni said:

I would follow up with him before your headcount is due it does sound like wishful thinking on the moms part.

This.  If they really are a couple, then yes, they should be invited together, but if one of them doesn't see them as a couple, then they aren't.

312Emily

Oh, so a follow-up question:

I'm seriously doubting this girl is going to be able to attend (seriously, what wedding planner gets two weekends in a row off?!), but I feel like in this kid's mind, he's now scored a +1.  He has a female friend in Chicago (where the wedding is, for those of you who didn't see) who is a girl from high school who I despise.  I feel like the next question if we find out the "girlfriend" can't go is can this other chick come. I do not want her there.  How can I tactfully indicate, if it comes to this, that the invitation was intended for the "girlfriend" and not anyone else?  Given the flaky situation, I'm now wondering if this could come up, and I'm quite frankly not in the mood to give this guy a +1 just because he thinks he deserves it. Quite frankly, the odd nature of the situation has me in a grumpy mood, because I feel like I'm being lied to.

And do I readdress the envelope (again, out of extra invitations) to say The Smith Family and Julie Jones? I'm not out of envelopes.

Jen4948

Well, don't say anything unless he brings up the subject first.  Then you can tell him that as he told you himself that he is not in a relationship, the invitation to the "girlfriend" is not transferable to someone he is not in a relationship with.

312Emily

Jen4948 said:

Well, don't say anything unless he brings up the subject first.  Then you can tell him that as he told you himself that he is not in a relationship, the invitation to the "girlfriend" is not transferable to someone he is not in a relationship with.

Well that's a given.  Just trying to prepare myself for any more funny business that I'm sure will come out of this bizarre situation.

HisGirlFriday13

I think you're right that he thinks he got a plus-one. I also think you need to confirm they're a couple before you send out the invites.

I also think you're right you're being lied to.

If you address the invite to 'Mr. and Mrs. John Smith/Mr. Johnny Smith/Ms. Susie Smith/Mr. Billy Smith/Ms. Julie Jones,' that makes it clear it's to her.

If they then RSVP for Alice Carmichael, you call them up and say, 'I'm sorry, the invite was for Juliet. I'm sorry she can't make it, but we cannot accommodate extra guests.'

The problem of course is that it's a one-for-one substitution, so they're going to know you mean you can't or won't accommodate their guest.

You could also have your mother talk to this boy's mother and say, 'Bride talked to Jake and he says he and Wedding Planner aren't really dating or an item. Since Bride and Groom aren't giving their other single friends a plus-one, they really can't do it here, either. I'm sure you understand.'

Since his mother brought it up to your mother, pass the message back the same way.

harper0813

Yeah, I would also just address the invite to the "girlfriend" and follow up with them to clarify whether she'll be present for dinner.

312Emily said:

Oh, so a follow-up question:

I'm seriously doubting this girl is going to be able to attend (seriously, what wedding planner gets two weekends in a row off?!), but I feel like in this kid's mind, he's now scored a +1.  He has a female friend in Chicago (where the wedding is, for those of you who didn't see) who is a girl from high school who I despise.  I feel like the next question if we find out the "girlfriend" can't go is can this other chick come. I do not want her there.  How can I tactfully indicate, if it comes to this, that the invitation was intended for the "girlfriend" and not anyone else?  Given the flaky situation, I'm now wondering if this could come up, and I'm quite frankly not in the mood to give this guy a +1 just because he thinks he deserves it. Quite frankly, the odd nature of the situation has me in a grumpy mood, because I feel like I'm being lied to.

And do I readdress the envelope (again, out of extra invitations) to say The Smith Family and Julie Jones? I'm not out of envelopes.

Inkdancer

So here's what I think happened:

Woman catches her son hanging out with girl, clearly more than friends. Woman says something to him about girl being his girlfriend. Since he can't say "no, she's just my fuckpuppet" to his mother, he says "yeah I guess kinda". Mother takes it as "yay my son has finally found a nice lady". Miscommunication and awkwardness ensues.

Given that, here's what I suggest: invite her by name when you address the invitation. (Just change the envelope, that's fine.) If she can't come, she's been invited specifically and he can't bring anyone else.

mburke663

Any chance this chick just wants to score an invite to your wedding b/c she is a wedding planner who is in love with your venue and maybe went through his mother; totally different train of thought but maybe worth considering?

312Emily

mburke663 said:

Any chance this chick just wants to score an invite to your wedding b/c she is a wedding planner who is in love with your venue and maybe went through his mother; totally different train of thought but maybe worth considering?

Doubtful. The guy and girl are close and she attended a formal event at his grad school last month. And she's not exactly a family friend of theirs so she can't go through the mom really. My mom and I talked and we think his mom added definition to it to be less awkward. There's some form of courtship going on but the kid's reaction was so awkward.

The point was more addressing follow- up on her actually attending since the invitation is verbal and flaky, the situation with their relationship seems flaky and I think her job may make her unable to attend, and I don't want a no-show or a replacement guest for him if she can't attend.

tortoisebride

Maybe she's not only not his girlfriend, but also not so much a wedding planner as a receptionist at a catering company, and that's how she's free on Saturdays. The information comes from the same source, after all.

mollybarker11

This "one-for-one substitution"/"replacement guest" talk reminds me of a friend's wedding I attended years ago. Gimme the boot if my piggy-backing is uncool! I'm just curious to know if I was a dick in this situation and I don't think it warrants another thread:

Invite was to "Molly & Guest". I rsvp'd with then-BF, but we broke up a few days before the wedding. I brought my sister as my guest instead. My line of thinking was that it would be too late to bother the bride with the change and try to get ex-BF's dinner taken off, so his meal/their money would go to waste. (And my own selfish reasons - it was an OOT wedding where I wouldn't know many others.) Was this a very crass thing to do?

Hopefully your feedback will either stop readers from making my mistake OR alleviate my lingering vague guilt haha.

HisGirlFriday13

mollybarker11 said:

This "one-for-one substitution"/"replacement guest" talk reminds me of a friend's wedding I attended years ago. Gimme the boot if my piggy-backing is uncool! I'm just curious to know if I was a dick in this situation and I don't think it warrants another thread:

Invite was to "Molly & Guest". I rsvp'd with then-BF, but we broke up a few days before the wedding. I brought my sister as my guest instead. My line of thinking was that it would be too late to bother the bride with the change and try to get ex-BF's dinner taken off, so his meal/their money would go to waste. (And my own selfish reasons - it was an OOT wedding where I wouldn't know many others.) Was this a very crass thing to do?

Hopefully your feedback will either stop readers from making my mistake OR alleviate my lingering vague guilt haha.

Given how close it was to the wedding, I think it was better to bring a date than have the couple eat the meal cost.

312Emily

tortoisebride said:

Maybe she's not only not his girlfriend, but also not so much a wedding planner as a receptionist at a catering company, and that's how she's free on Saturdays. The information comes from the same source, after all.

Nope. Her LinkedIn says which company, and it is most definitely a planning company, and she is a planner, not assistant. 

312Emily

HisGirlFriday13 said:

This "one-for-one substitution"/"replacement guest" talk reminds me of a friend's wedding I attended years ago. Gimme the boot if my piggy-backing is uncool! I'm just curious to know if I was a dick in this situation and I don't think it warrants another thread:

Invite was to "Molly & Guest". I rsvp'd with then-BF, but we broke up a few days before the wedding. I brought my sister as my guest instead. My line of thinking was that it would be too late to bother the bride with the change and try to get ex-BF's dinner taken off, so his meal/their money would go to waste. (And my own selfish reasons - it was an OOT wedding where I wouldn't know many others.) Was this a very crass thing to do?

Hopefully your feedback will either stop readers from making my mistake OR alleviate my lingering vague guilt haha.

Given how close it was to the wedding, I think it was better to bring a date than have the couple eat the meal cost.

Agreed in your case, but did you ask? If your situation changes, you should let the B&G know, and always ASK if a swap can be made.

The case I'm presenting is a bit different since the guy and girl should know ahead of time and be honest.  If the guy attempts to substitute last minute, it's rude, because he and the girl should have known her work schedule more than 2 weeks in advance that she couldn't make it.  So I shouldn't have to eat the cost of a no-show and a substitution for his "girlfriend" shouldn't be necessary.

APDSS22

mollybarker11 said:

This "one-for-one substitution"/"replacement guest" talk reminds me of a friend's wedding I attended years ago. Gimme the boot if my piggy-backing is uncool! I'm just curious to know if I was a dick in this situation and I don't think it warrants another thread:

Invite was to "Molly & Guest". I rsvp'd with then-BF, but we broke up a few days before the wedding. I brought my sister as my guest instead. My line of thinking was that it would be too late to bother the bride with the change and try to get ex-BF's dinner taken off, so his meal/their money would go to waste. (And my own selfish reasons - it was an OOT wedding where I wouldn't know many others.) Was this a very crass thing to do?

Hopefully your feedback will either stop readers from making my mistake OR alleviate my lingering vague guilt haha.

If they addressed it to "Molly and Guest" they opened it up for you to invite whatever guest you wanted (although you did RSVP for one guest and bring another).  If they had invited "Molly and Boyfriend" it would've been less okay to switch, but they probably would've eaten the meal cost so if you had asked for the substitution, they probably would've said okay anyway.

312Emily

So my mom got a phone call tonight from the boy's mom.  She was upset because her son called and yelled at her that she shouldn't have told us it's his girlfriend and that he doesn't know what they are and he's super embarrassed that she would tell us this. So the invite went out yesterday with the girl's name on it.  The girl I guess is really into him, and he's always been a bit shy.  I think his mom was just pushing it in that direction (they are doing dinner with the girl's family when they are in town), and pushed a little hard.  I felt bad, because our neutral Facebook chat convo seemed to really bother him if he yelled at his mom.  Anyway, less deceptive, and I think I'm ok with this +1 situation now since it's a lot more genuine of his mom and the boy clearly likes the girl and is insecure-- no +1 score to swap around or whatever... just a sincere date.