Wedding Etiquette Forum

Oh FFS, Another added guest?! [minor update]

312Emily312Emily member
Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
edited May 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Our invitations went out on Thursday.  We already had one guest get added who is a girlfriend/non-girlfriend, but it kind of made sense once the guest called my mom back and I'm not that upset about it because it makes sense now, though at first it was weird and confusing (it's in my history if you want to look it up).

But this morning, FI received a call from his mom, which required him to be in the other room, looking upset. I was concerned that his grandfather had died, that's how serious he looked.  He came back into the kitchen where I was making breakfast and told me that his mom called to tell us his great aunt is upset that we didn't invite her adult daughter, who will be in town that week and is also very upset we didn't invite her. I'm not sure if she planned to be around because of the wedding, but I'm thinking that could be. Anyway, it sounds like this adult woman is threatening not to come because her daughter, who is in her 30's isn't invited. FI hasn't seen this woman (Great Aunt's daughter) in years. She has not been to any family events and FI barely knows her.  I have definitely never met her.

Our wedding is small. We invited 133.  We budgeted for 125.  Those 8 overage guests are being paid for by my mom if 8 of her other allotted guests do not drop, since they are people she added after I got quotes from caterers, and they are people I never would have invited because I have not seen them in 15 years. My mom gets that and offered to pay, knowing we were spending a lot on catering and each guest costs ~$130 to host.  FI relayed this to his mom, but of course he botched his delivery making it sound like the reason we can't host this added guest is because we are trying to accommodate 8 of my mom's friends, so his mom's response was that it shouldn't be about money.  So I made FI message his mom back and clarify that my mom is paying.  Now I have no idea where this will go, but I'm pissed, and if FI's extended family is communicating about the wedding like this, I'm afraid this won't be the last person.  Part of me just wants to have this woman be told that if she's really threatening not to come over her ADULT DAUGHTER, then we will miss her. And if my mom has to pay for added guests if her people don't drop, I think it's only fair we have this arrangement with FI's mom as well.  The guest list has been set since July 2013.

And just to be clear, this woman does not need an aid to get around or anything like that.  We just think they assumed the girl was invited.

I signed up for a subscription through NakedWines.com last month...  I think this was a good move.

Update: FMIL now understands the situation and has agreed to the terms my mom is adhering to regarding added guests now that the guest list is set. We already know 2 of their relatives can't make it, so this annoying adult won't cost them, but it prevents scope creep of additional guests, since FMIL will be paying for them.  FI talked to her and it seems she is just as surprised that this woman pulled this crap as we are. I personally just don't understand why you'd want to go to the wedding of someone you don't know that well... so freaking weird and rude. UGH.
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RebeccaB88

Re: Oh FFS, Another added guest?! [minor update]

  • 312Emily312Emily member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    1. If you're allowing your mother to pay for her guests, it's fair to allow your FMIL to pay for hers BUT I would understand if you don't want to. 2. There is no reason on earth you cannot say to this grown-ass woman, 'I'm sorry, the invitation was for you. We cannot accommodate your daughter. If that means you cannot or will not attend, we will understand and you'll be missed.' 3. Your FI needs to practice delivering that line to his mother so he doesn't botch it is the future. 4. Your FMIL is fucking crazypants if she thinks that wedding invite lists AREN'T about money. Of course they are. It's the driving force behind everything for a wedding.
    To the bolded. I know this. We offered to let FMIL do this, though FI's botched delivery screwed it up (bless his heart, he just doesn't write for his job... you should see his emails to our landlord, which seemingly have no point when he's requesting maintenance). She responded that it shouldn't be about money. So I don't know if that's a refusal, but that's the only way we're inviting the girl, because it wouldn't be fair to my mom at this point, who is paying for HER added guests.
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  • Update: FMIL now understands the situation and has agreed to the terms my mom is adhering to regarding added guests now that the guest list is set. We already know 2 of their relatives can't make it, so this annoying adult won't cost them, but it prevents scope creep of additional guests, since FMIL will be paying for them.  FI talked to her and it seems she is just as surprised that this woman pulled this crap as we are. I personally just don't understand why you'd want to go to the wedding of someone you don't know that well... so freaking weird and rude. UGH.
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  • I do not get why people assume they can add people on to your guest list. If she does not want to leave her daughter alone while she attends your wedding she just declines how hard is that.
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    312Emily
  • I do not get why people assume they can add people on to your guest list. If she does not want to leave her daughter alone while she attends your wedding she just declines how hard is that.
    I don't get it either. But these are both OOT guests and it looks like the daughter booked her trip to the midwest (her mom lives in MN, we're in IL) assuming she was invited.  We didn't send her a save-the-date and her mom's save-the-date was clearly addressed to only her.  So irritated right now.  It's supposed to be a small wedding. I don't really want her there. I can only hope that the policy on added guests deters FMIL from allowing any more creep on the guest list. It sounds like FMIL is just as surprised, so hopefully she's an ally on this moving forward, now that she understands what FI and I were asking.
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  • 312Emily said:



    I do not get why people assume they can add people on to your guest list. If she does not want to leave her daughter alone while she attends your wedding she just declines how hard is that.

    I don't get it either. But these are both OOT guests and it looks like the daughter booked her trip to the midwest (her mom lives in MN, we're in IL) assuming she was invited.  We didn't send her a save-the-date and her mom's save-the-date was clearly addressed to only her.  So irritated right now.  It's supposed to be a small wedding. I don't really want her there. I can only hope that the policy on added guests deters FMIL from allowing any more creep on the guest list. It sounds like FMIL is just as surprised, so hopefully she's an ally on this moving forward, now that she understands what FI and I were asking.

    If you don't want her there, tell her mother she can't be accommodated.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2014
    In my family, this would open a huge can of worms. Word would get around that exceptions had been made, and then people would call to ask if so-and-so could come. If we said no, they'd be hurt that they couldn't get an exception, and hoooooly drama.

    Be careful of this. It's for this reason we didn't allow any additional guests, even if we got the whole "but s/he is looking forward to it!" guilt trip.
    HisGirlFriday13
  • 312Emily312Emily member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    I do not get why people assume they can add people on to your guest list. If she does not want to leave her daughter alone while she attends your wedding she just declines how hard is that.
    I don't get it either. But these are both OOT guests and it looks like the daughter booked her trip to the midwest (her mom lives in MN, we're in IL) assuming she was invited.  We didn't send her a save-the-date and her mom's save-the-date was clearly addressed to only her.  So irritated right now.  It's supposed to be a small wedding. I don't really want her there. I can only hope that the policy on added guests deters FMIL from allowing any more creep on the guest list. It sounds like FMIL is just as surprised, so hopefully she's an ally on this moving forward, now that she understands what FI and I were asking.
    If you don't want her there, tell her mother she can't be accommodated.
    It's not worth a feud it would create for FMIL and FFIL.  They have adjacent lake houses with great aunt. FI also informed me that he even asked FMIL if she should be invited when we were creating the guest list and FMIL said no.  So if FMIL is on board with the extra guest policy that my mom has to deal with, and if it saves FMIL some grief, I'm ok with it from that standpoint. I'm just really not these ladies' biggest fan right now. FMIL has said she will not allow any more of this to happen, and I believe her. I think she's just as surprised as we are, since this great aunt is supposed to be a "classy" and "smart" member of their family.  
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  • 312Emily312Emily member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    In my family, this would open a huge can of worms. Word would get around that exceptions had been made, and then people would call to ask if so-and-so could come. If we said no, they'd be hurt that they couldn't get an exception, and hoooooly drama.

    Be careful of this. It's for this reason we didn't allow any additional guests, even if we got the whole "but s/he is looking forward to it!" guilt trip.
    I think there are no other living relatives in that family, so we should be ok. This is FFIL's only cousin, she has not played a role in their lives for a good many years, and he didn't think to invite her because FMIL's cousins are not invited.  FMIL has told us repeatedly we didn't need to invite her cousins has assured us no more guests.  So it looks like this whiny great aunt will get her way, but it's contained.
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  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I don't think 125 people is a "small" wedding. I know people have different references, but in my world that is average. I've been to a wedding that was only 35 people, that is small.
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  • I don't think 125 people is a "small" wedding. I know people have different references, but in my world that is average. I've been to a wedding that was only 35 people, that is small.
    I have a large extended family at the aunt/uncle/cousin level on my mom's side, with a lot of married cousins since I'm one of the babies.  If my mom had only one sibling like my dad, we'd be under 100 people. So for my mom's family, this is a small wedding, and I guess where I got that idea.
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