My first snark, and it was actually tactful

nurse4va

So, here's my snarkfest.

 

I am to be married in May, next year.  I got engaged at the end of March, this year.  Bought my dress, mid-April, this year.  Already snagged my photographer.  Almost locked in on my venue.  And, I must add, I am about ready to go back to college, in about 2-3 weeks.  Full time.  And work.  Full time.  But yet, I have actually gotten lectured, yes, lectured, by my MOH and BM, that I'm doing stuff "way too early" and "you've got plenty of time."  (I guess apparently they don't understand how busy I'll be, working and studying.)

 

I'd had enough, and after my BM apologized to me privately for going off on me, I politely said, "See, I guess alot of people just do not understand how crazy my schedule is going to be, for the next year, and I need to be on my A game and organized, particularly since I have anxiety issues, and I don't want to have a meltdown and be Bridezilla, the last month before the wedding."

 

Since then, I have not heard a peep out of my MOH or my BM.  I guess I upset them?  Or maybe not.  But it really upset ME, to get a lecture, about when to do some wedding planning.  Sigh.

MollyandD

I got most of my wedding planning done very early on. I am a graduate student and full time teacher. It was nice to plan ahead, before I was crazy busy. I do think you asked your wedding party a little too early, but that's done now. Planning the rest is great to do early, so you can focus on school and work later.

nurse4va

I think you might be right, Molly.  I'd planned on asking these folks for a long time, especially since they were very good to me last year (lost my Mom to ovarian cancer and it was a really bad time for me.)  I'd wanted to honor them for their helping me.  Oh well, hopefully they'll get it.  If not, well, I'll figure it out.  I just want things done and out of the way so I won't have to freak out at the last minute. 

HisGirlFriday13

DH and I had a fairly short engagement -- got engaged Dec. 21, 2012 and got married Oct. 13, 2013 -- and I still did things VERY early.

We had everything major -- DJ, photographer, venue, church, officiant, bakery, florist -- locked down within about six weeks of getting married. Even then, people told us, 'Oh, you're doing things so early, you have so much time!'

I was like, 'It's February. We are getting married in October. We do not have that much time.'

Plus, I think people forget that having the big things DONE means they're no longer hanging over your head like the Sword of Damocles. If you know that you need these things and you're not going to change your mind (and it's unlikely you'd change your mind about them), then why not do them early, check them off, and not worry about it?

rocklibsta24

I completely understand where you are coming from! As a full time student and part-time worker who will also be doing an internship the last few months before our wedding, I completely understand the want to get things done ahead of time. Most of our planning will be done this summer (about a year before the wedding) because I don't want to go insane trying to coordinate planning, work, school, and the pressures of finding and then doing my internship all at the same time. I thought I was crazy for booking our reception and ceremony spaces fourteen months before our date, but all of the churches had already been booked for that date, so really, I guess I'm not the only one in this town doing things pretty early. Just make sure you are 100% sure on the choices you do make early and know that naturally there are just some things that will have to wait until closer to the wedding to be done and you should be okay.

lizzypoo96

Oh jeez! Sounds like you handled it very well! They'll be thankful next year when you aren't going crazy! I had to be the same way just because I get so anxious about such things myself! I locked all the big stuff down early and have been "casually" tackling the rest! Best of luck!

gothic_fairy60

I am getting married in August of this year. Fi and I have had a two year engagement and I started early too. I bought my dress a year and a half ago, photographer and venue about a year ago. I am a Bachelors student and I thought it was great to lock things down last summer so I didn't have to worry. The whole engagement I have heard "Don't worry, there is plenty of time". Makes me wanna smack someone.

My point? Only brides and students will really understand.

Inkdancer

I just tell people "I'm so glad I don't have to be stressed out about anything right before the wedding" and then ignore them.

nurse4va

Thanks ladies, it sure makes me feel a bit better knowing that I'm not the only one going through this.  I actually broke down and cried that afternoon, after I got this tirade.  I thought oh my god, do you guys have ANY sense of what this is like?  Plus, I know the final days before the wedding will be very emotional for me, missing my Mom, and I want lots of room to breathe, take walks, sit in my room and cry for a minute, without having four hundred people needing me RIGHT NOW.  (OK I'm exaggerating but you get the drift.)  My fiance and I decided we'll just keep on going our merry way with planning, but we're not telling them much anymore.  It's not worth the emotional upset to me.

tammym1001

The people close to me weren't surprised at all by the fact that I had everything done super early because they know how I am. Anyone else who made a comment about it I just responded "well I want to be able to enjoy the last weeks leading up to my wedding instead of running around like crazy so I want to get everything done now. It will go by so fast". That usually got them to stop saying anything.

FTR, I have less than 2 weeks to go to my wedding and there are still little things I'm doing that had to wait until now so I'm glad that I got done with everything else way early. It has made me be not stressed out at all.

nurse4va

Tammy, and the funny thing is that I've talked to a TON of folks just to ask for their feedback (not that I should care what others think, but I just wanted a reality check) and everyone told me, that is VERY wise, to try to nail stuff down as soon as possible. And also, it's a self-protective measure.  I don't want to prolong the feeling of "I want my Mommy here to help me" and try to minimize that.  Lord knows I was a hot mess at the bridal store, I just burst out bawling several times.  I want this to be as smooth, easy, and drama free as possible.  I want to just focus on enjoying my day, marrying my wonderful guy, and honoring my Mom's memory.

countrygirl061513

I also have anxiety issues and what helped me was to get as much of the planning done and out of the way as soon as I could. We got engaged Oct 2012 and married June 2013. I had my dress picked before Christmas, purchased in January. We picked an outside venue before Thanksgiving, but in February decided to move it to the church because we didn't think June, outside, Texas.....hotter than hell. LOL.....The last thing I figured out were the centerpieces but everything worked out perfectly. Just do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your anxiety while planning. So sorry about your Mom.

theartistformerlyknownas

HisGirlFriday13 said:

DH and I had a fairly short engagement -- got engaged Dec. 21, 2012 and got married Oct. 13, 2013 -- and I still did things VERY early.

We had everything major -- DJ, photographer, venue, church, officiant, bakery, florist -- locked down within about six weeks of getting married. Even then, people told us, 'Oh, you're doing things so early, you have so much time!'

I was like, 'It's February. We are getting married in October. We do not have that much time.'

Plus, I think people forget that having the big things DONE means they're no longer hanging over your head like the Sword of Damocles. If you know that you need these things and you're not going to change your mind (and it's unlikely you'd change your mind about them), then why not do them early, check them off, and not worry about it?

We had a similar timeline... were engaged 12/14/13, wedding is 9/13/14. We had the date and venue/caterer (dependent upon each other) booked and deposit paid by 12/27. Bought my dress and booked the photographer, entertainment, officiant, H/MUA, bakery and florist by Feb 1. The only thing we have left to book is the rehearsal dinner, which we're probably having at a public park. It's SO much easier to not have to stress out about as much. I'm taking my time getting centerpiece vases/candleholders together, addressing invitations, etc. It'll be a relaxing summer.

Inkdancer

@lol883 Date twins! But FI and I were engaged in May of 2012 so I have had absolute ages to plan.

sarawifenow

I got this all the time when FI and I first started planning. Our engagement will be 7 1/2 months. When I booked our venue at 6 mos out, I got the "why so soon?" question from a ton of people. I eventually just started telling people to call their favorite venue and see when their first opening was. Apparently some people did it because they later apologized to me.

Bubblegum5586

I had an 18mo engagement and my BM would laugh at how ahead of schedule I was with everything, but after watching her get married the year before and EVERYTHING was last minute I knew I didn't want to do that.

I thought I did a great job getting everything done, but the last few days still felt stressful and didn't have enough time. I did DIY a lot of things so that added to it, but I cannot imagine not having everything I could do ahead of time already done!

ETA: I booked my venue 15mo out and the date I wanted was gone!!! Never too early to book your venue!

It was good you already talked with your WP and hopefully they will lay off the remainder of the engagement now!

KGold80

I was in a similar situation, engaged 10/20/13. We set our date that day - June 21, 2014. Had the venue booked by November 4th. DJ, baker, and florist booked and dress purchased by the end of December. Booked a photographer and reserved a photo booth in January. Now I'm working on the details.

CamiSelene

We got engaged October, 06, 2013 and are getting married July 28, 2014. I had all the really big stuff done within the first month. Saves a lot of time and stress. I'm also a full time teacher and wanted to get things done before things got even busier at work.

May14TXbride

Yes..I got engaged Nov 29, 2013 and we are getting married May 31, 2014 (getting so close!!!), and within 6 weeks, I had my date, venue, dress, photographer, invitations ordered, DJ, and my hotel blocks reserved.  Knowing I only had 6 months, it felt so good to get those big things knocked out so fast!

 

Edited because I thought of something else:  Oh...and what bothered me is when people would question me on why we were having such a "short" engagement.  Um, because this is when we wanted to get married.  We were less than a month shy of being together for two years when we got engaged, so it wasn't like we were rushing in to it.

cambryn

I had a bit of that happen. My dad said he wanted to pay for the wedding- he is notoriously horrible with money, but just got a big inheritance- he can set aside the money now, and then we don't have to worry about him falling through on his promise.

When I asked for a general number of people on the groom's side, so I could have the budget, I was told to ask his mom, as he doesn't keep up with who to invite to things like this. I asked FMIL via email and was told 'oh, you don't have to worry about that yet!' 

Uh, yes. Yes I do. 

It all ended up ok- I politely asked again for the guest list telling her my dad needed the budget now because of financial reasons I would explain later. I later explained the situation in person (as emails can make things sound so curt.)

I smilingly said 'Hey, about asking for the guest list- I don't want you to think I'm being a micromanaging nut- under normal circumstance I would NOT be worrying about this a year in advance, but [explains situation and why it's important for me to do this way in advance]' 

She understood and it went great. 

Sometimes people just don't really understand the situation- and it's SUPER frustrating. You're trying to do the right thing and be responsible- and they're telling you to 'relax.'  I'm perfectly relaxed, thanks  We 'planners' have a lot of balls to juggle- and it doesn't help when people try to interfere! 

Just keep smiling and communicating- try to be patient with them. They mean well- and you sound like you'll do a wonderful job and have been very responsible!  

dolewhipper

It might just be where I live, but I am so glad I locked down my church within the month I was engaged, which was 13 months before my wedding date. My church had almost all of March 2015 booked in Jan '14. I also got the same, "you're planning so early!" but just this past week the florist I had my eye on told me she was booked already for my date. I just tell people that and ask, "So explain to me how if I slow down on my planning the big stuff I will actually have more options available to me." They usually don't respond.

:insert willy wonka photo here:

climbingsingle

I think you handled it perfectly. 

I did a lot of planning early on and I don't' have anywhere near the amount of stuff going on that you do. We got engaged 9/4/13. By 10/1/13, I had the venue booked for 9/27/14. By December, I had bought my dress, booked the photographer and the DJ. Why not get this stuff done and out of the way when you can??

nurse4va

You all make me feel SO much better!  Whew!  The nice part is that a few of my Mom's friends have stepped in, and they were giving me referrals, and some of my referrals had even told me that they were getting booked up for next year, so it was good that I'd gotten stuff done.  I do think that my BMs meant well, but because they do not have to juggle school and work, well, they don't "get" what I'm going to have to do, to get this all hammered out.  My FI and I just want this all to go smoothly, and since my FI is not a big fan of huge, drama filled events, I want to ease his stress too.  He was amazing to me, when my Mom died, so I want to honor him also.  I'm just so tickled to have so much nailed down already, so I can crank out papers and stress about math tests instead, haha. :P

MusicSoul24

I am a student as well, getting married this August. We were engaged in April of 2013 and had our venue and caterer booked last July. Don't get me wrong, in these past few months, things have been crazy between finals and projects and classes wrapping up along with me trying to get our invitations out on time, but I am so glad that I worked hard in advance. It's definitely worth it the closer you get to the wedding date!

JCbride2015

Also a student here!  (Well, wrapping up end of law school now).  We were engaged in September 2012 and will be married May 2015, so about a 2.5 year engagement.  LOTS of time to plan.  We locked the venue down about 18 months out because it's a popular wedding area, but other than that, we didn't really pick planning back up until a month or so ago.  We are still a year away and now I'm feeling like it's time to actually get things done.  We booked our DJ/music, met with photographers, and will make a photographer choice this week.  I have dress shopping appointments booked for two weeks from now.

This will get a lot of the big stuff out of the way before I take the bar exam.  I'll then have another short window between the bar and my start date at my law firm, during which we'll probably find flowers, limo, decorations, photo booth, all the little stuff.  Then things will be crazy at my new job, and I'm sure I'll be glad I got the wedding planning out of the way.

You definitely aren't planning too early and I'm sure you will be happy later that this is all sorted out!

grumbledore

People keep asking me how planning is going - I tell them it's basically done (6 months out as of today).  I'd rather have the big things ready to go so I don't have to think about it anymore.

ladybird29

Agree with everyone else - it's good to get things done early if you can. People are annoying - that's what I've figured out. My FI's family LOVES to run around like chickens with their heads cut off. I swear, they live for it. Everything is done last minute...followed by one of those lengthy FB posts about how busy they are and how much running around they've done, etc. Sigh. My family (and me) likes to have everything planned out with plenty of time to make thoughtful decisions. In the early stages of planning, if I heard, "Wooooow, it's sooo early...<other cousins getting married> haven't even started thinking about that yet..." one more time from FMIL I thought I was going to start taking hostages. I finally started saying, "Yes, it may seem early, but the Spring is really busy for me at work and also, weddings aren't cheap, so anything I can do to offset costs at the front end just makes for a more pleasant experience in the long run." That usually shut her up.

GL with school and don't stress too much!

nurse4va

So I have a bit more of an update.  The BM who gave me a bit of a lecture and apologized, she came out with me the other day, we looked at bridesmaid dresses, and she was wonderful, pleasant, like her old self.  I found out that her BF's Dad had a heart attack and they're starting to think that the Dad may not survive.  So, that could have explained the rant.  Doesn't make it right, but at least it makes sense.

Still have not heard from MOH, but she seems to have gone very much AWOL.  Her husband is in FI's WP and my FI said that he'd texted the guy the other day, no response.  So who knows, maybe they're sick, maybe they're busy.  I was seriously making my stomach upset over this, worrying that I'd upset someone for no good reason, feeling kind of weird that I was being told what to do, etc.  I think as long as my WP doesn't end up like something out of that movie "Bridesmaids", we are all good!

[Deleted User]

My fiance and I got engaged March 30th and are likely going to get married next October.  We attended a family function about 3 weeks after our engagement.  Word had already spread about our engagement so people were asking us questions about the wedding already.  Primarily, "have you set a date?"  We told them probably October of next year and tried to leave it at that.  So I am having a bit of the opposite experience and feeling a bit rushed.  I knew I'd start early regardless, but when his great-aunt said, "well don't have it on such and such date because that's when Heffer Project has it's quilt sale / raffle," I was like really?  If the dates collide and you pick your quilt sale instead of our wedding, I don't care.  The only person I need at my ceremony is my groom- and an officiant of course.  LOL!

MegEn1

Good for you for getting things done early! I'm trying to be like you - want everything locked in as soon as possible. Lots of reasons for it, but a big one is that I want to lock in the prices. Prices seem to go up every year, and even ideas some friends shared about where they got married or what caterer they used 2-3 years ago (and how much they paid, roughly) has changed by a couple thousand dollars!

Nymeru

I got engaged last June, and am getting married next weekend. Because my FI was finishing his masters degree and I'm a full-time teacher, I knew our planning time would be limited, so I had all the big things (rentals, venue, menu, catering, cake, dress, music) dialed in by the first week of August last year. My FI was a little freaked out at how fast it happened (he thought I was buying into the wedding industry's gimmie-gimmie mentality), but I can only say thank goodness I did everything so soon. It made it much easier to not sweat the small stuff because if worst came to worst and none of it worked out, we would still have a place and person to marry us, with food and music to celebrate. I wouldn't have put if off for the world. Things have been stressful enough as it is.