I just can't do it!

thelastdreamer

I've always thought Mr. Tony Stark and Ms. Pepper Stark sounded the least weird and offensive but I know that's not etiquette ok. 

KGold80

thelastdreamer said:

I've always thought Mr. Tony Stark and Ms. Pepper Stark sounded the least weird and offensive but I know that's not etiquette ok. 

Actually, Emily Post says that is the proper way to address an envelope if the female prefers "Ms." to "Mrs."

http://www.emilypost.com/forms-of-address/titles/96-guide-to-addressing-correspondence

huskypuppy14

thelastdreamer said:

I've always thought Mr. Tony Stark and Ms. Pepper Stark sounded the least weird and offensive but I know that's not etiquette ok. 

I don't think there is anything wrong with this.  Also, it's up to the woman if she prefers Mrs. or Ms.

 I do not know one woman who prefers Mrs. John Smith over Mrs. Mary Smith if she's being addressed alone. There are a few that are widowed that prefer Ms. Mary Smith. though.  My family is pretty young, (my grandma is in her early 70's and I'm in my early 30's). But even my FI family who has more older people, still prefer Mrs. Mary Smith.  

 Now, if they are being addressed with their husbands, most are fine with Mr. and Mrs. John Smith or Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

dinnerparty3

I completely agree I really hate when I see "Mrs" followed by the husband's full name!! I plan to use this convention for married couples who share the same last name: Jessica and Thomas Smith or perhaps Mrs. Jessica and Mr. Thomas Smith.

ashleyep

MyNameIsNot said:

I address the majority of ours as Mr. and Mrs. Pepper and Tony Stark.  I know that it isn't technically correct, but knowing that a number of my female friends hate having their last names dropped, it seemed like the better option.  Unless you know someone prefers the traditional address, I find it to be a victimless crime.  

This is what I'm doing for our friends/generation. The older crowd - my grandparents/aunts/uncles/parent friends I'm sticking with the tradition Mr. and Mrs. His Name. 

It wouldn't bother me to get a wedding invitation address to Mr. and Mrs. Last Name - I know they're just trying to do things the "formal" way and that they're not making a statement about their individuality. But I know not everyone feels that way, so I thought it was safest.

MyNameIsNot

MagicInk said:

So was showing FI this thread (who did not know the rule and said "Fuck that" when I told her, I'm in charge of invitations anyways so I'll be doing the addressing for the most part) and she brought up a really good point.

We have male/female married couples where the husband took the wife's last name. WTF do you there? lilybet13 tackled that already.

And also, I'm seeing a lot of "what they prefer", so I'm inferring from that...it's not totally weird if I call someone up and say "How the hell do you want to addressed?" because day to day I call everyone by their first names. And I know what some people like (including one guy friend who likes being Dr. & Mr. Pepper Potts, I don't know why), but most of them I'd just be guessing.

As far as I can tell, cranes hasn't caught up to that one yet.  Shouldn't they be Mrs. and Mr. Joan Doe?  That's why my default is still using both first names unless I know they prefer otherwise.  

It's not the correct etiquette answer, but I just can't imagine anyone [I know] being offended at being called Mr. and Mrs. Firsts and Last unless they've expressed a preference otherwise.  I'm usually the last person to say that etiquette needs to evolve, but this is an area where etiquette need to evolve.  Etiquette is about treating people how they want to be treated, and most people [I know] generally don't prefer the traditional address anymore. 

I'm not saying you ought to call everyone and ask how they want to be addressed, but I think you can glean a lot of it from context clues.  

AddieCake

I could not care less how you address my envelope, as long as my name is on it and spelled correctly. We didn't even use titles. We put Jane and John Smith. 

tortoisebride

MagicInk said:

And also, I'm seeing a lot of "what they prefer", so I'm inferring from that...it's not totally weird if I call someone up and say "How the hell do you want to addressed?" because day to day I call everyone by their first names. And I know what some people like (including one guy friend who likes being Dr. & Mr. Pepper Potts, I don't know why), but most of them I'd just be guessing.

I guessed based essentially on level of traditional religiousness and also my FMIL cued me on a lot of them. I'm guessing that's not going to be a useful cue for your friend group I think it's fine to write "The Banner Household/Family" if there's one last name for four people, or The Banner-Wayne Household/Family if there are multiple last names who are all couples.

ETA: But mostly, if they're a non-traditional family in any way, it's probably not going to matter to them if you even just did Firstname Lastname for everyone.

CMGragain

The use of Mrs. John Smith is an old tradition.  A woman's first name was never used except by very close friends and family.  Acquaintances used her title, "Mrs. Smith" when addressing her.  The use of a woman's first name was a privilege that was kept for very special people.  Calling anyone Mrs. Jane Smith would have been shockingly rude and familiar!  Read Jane Austen.
Times have changes, especially in the USA.  This is simply an old custom, and is in no way disrespectful to a woman's independence.

jrpownall

Wow!  I'm glad I read this thread, I had no idea this was such a controversial subject.

I absolutely ABHOR Mr. & Mrs. HisFirst HisLast.  Seriously, it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up & my skin crawl.  I was going to address the invitations Mr. Tony & Mrs. Pepper Stark, and didn't care if it wasn't traditional(we're not really doing anything else in the traditional manner).  It never occurred to me that this might offend older guests though.  

There is no way I'm going to be able to get ahold of everyone for their preference.  I've been trying to get the finalized guest list and addresses on FHs side for the past 9 months and its been like pulling teeth.  Ugh, I guess I am going to have to do Mr. & Mrs. Tony Stark.  Dammit.  Feminism takes a backseat to simplicity.

Although, I suppose if I was married to Tony Stark, I might be able to tolerate it!

mrsmorales2be

@photokitty

I'm an idiot - I had to reread this several times before I quit reading Sissy Spacek!!!

*facepalm*

JennyColada

The only Mr & Mrs I had for my invites is my parents and my FSIL (+ her husband). For my parents, I always put my mother first, mainly just because I have a better relationship with her (I tend to call her phone first if I want to talk to them, I arrange plans with my parents through my mother, etc.).

Traditional or not, I tend to go by whom I have the stronger relationship with, rather than by gender.

CrazyCatLady3

jrpownall said:

Wow!  I'm glad I read this thread, I had no idea this was such a controversial subject.

I absolutely ABHOR Mr. & Mrs. HisFirst HisLast.  Seriously, it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up & my skin crawl.  I was going to address the invitations Mr. Tony & Mrs. Pepper Stark, and didn't care if it wasn't traditional(we're not really doing anything else in the traditional manner).  It never occurred to me that this might offend older guests though.  

There is no way I'm going to be able to get ahold of everyone for their preference.  I've been trying to get the finalized guest list and addresses on FHs side for the past 9 months and its been like pulling teeth.  Ugh, I guess I am going to have to do Mr. & Mrs. Tony Stark.  Dammit.  Feminism takes a backseat to simplicity.

Although, I suppose if I was married to Tony Stark, I might be able to tolerate it!

No, you don't HAVE to.  I did "Mr. & Mrs. John and Jane Doe" on my invitations.  This isn't the era of Jane Austen.  If a woman is offended by being called her actual name, she needs to get over it.  And she can write it in differently on her rsvp if she wants it differently on her escort card.  More people would be offended by using the traditional method than using the modern method.