Ended

JenniferU10

Jen4948

I think that if she really was sick or injured, you should focus less on her attitude and care more about her actual condition. Your wedding is the top priority only for yourself and your FI. Even on a bachelorette weekend, your wedding party members are allowed to care about other things more than your wedding. The one thing you posted that I agree with you about is that she shouldn't be getting competitive with you. You can tell her that when you are doing something that's related to your wedding, what she's doing for her wedding isn't relevant to your plans and there's no prize for who has the best wedding, but that's as far as I would go.

coffeekay

She's really only required to show up for the wedding. Everything else is icing on the cake.

And to be completely honest, the MOH offering to brush a grown woman's hair when it was clear she wasn't well is really weird. She could barely walk. That's a little more important. No wonder she left after 10 minutes. If I felt that bad and then got jumped on about how my hair looked, I'd leave too.

MyNameIsNot

JenniferU10 said:

So I have a Bridesmaid that talks a lot of talk and a lot of that talk is negative things about the other Bridesmaids. She is the ONLY Bridesmaid that is not related to me by blood. This problem presented itself back at my Bridal Shower a month and a half ago. She had gone out the entire day before the shower and the day of the shower shows up late, looking like she had just rolled down a hill, and barely able to walk. My sister, MOH, actually went up to her and offered to brush her hair. She only stayed for less than 10 minutes and never really apologized. I had since decided to put her actions in the past and move on and then my Bachelorette Party Weekend happened. We flew out of town together and met up with my three other Bridesmaids for the weekend. The first night after dinner she immediately got "sick" and went back to the house to lay down. The next day she hobbled around the house sulking and trying to make things all about her. She stayed in bed all morning while my other bridesmaids took me to get our nails done. When we went back to the house she decided to join us for sometime at the pool. She ate an entire bag of potato chips and was acting just fine! But when we got back to the house to get ready for our evening she immediately went back to the room and wasn't seen until we left for dinner. On the day we were leaving she changed her flight to an earlier one in the morning leaving myself to fly back alone. It just seems like if the attention is not solely focused on her that she has to make a scene. She is also getting married soon and is ALWAYS playing the "top my story" game. She has yet to apologize for being absent for the majority of the weekend and for basically abandoning me the day we went home. My other Bridesmaids have expressed their concern that if I don't talk to her about this that she could try and pull the same thing the day of the wedding. I just don't know how to present it to her in a gentle way. I feel like I have to say something to make sure we are on the same page I just don't know how to go about it! HELP!

Leave it alone.  

I'm not sure why you think she should apologize.  There's no requirement that everyone be together and focus on you through the whole b-party, especially since it was a whole weekend.  You should be thrilled that she got on a plane and flew to a destination b-party.  That's a really big deal.  

As long as she stands up for the ceremony and smiles, she's done her job.  Are you seriously looking for a way to confront her for not paying enough attention to you?  

jneen101

What kind of potato chips were they?

climbingsingle

Another vote for leave it alone. She's not required to show up for a bridal shower or a bachelorette party. 

What do you think she's going to "pull" the day of your wedding? Show up in a white dress? Shove you off the altar and marry your groom? Because other than those two scenarios, I really don't see what she could possibly do that will be a problem. 

Lauderdale Pink

I am joining the "leave it alone" sentiment.  However, I also strongly believe that NOBODY should be in a position to ruin your big day.  If she shows up obviously drunk/hungover and looking like a mess, or acting in a wildly inappropriate way,  then have somebody with some "juice" escort her out of the event and let her know that her presence will not be required.  This does not sound like a friendship that will go on much after the wedding anyway and you don't want your wedding to be remembered by stories of an out of control bridesmaid.

HisGirlFriday13

Lauderdale Pink said:

I am joining the "leave it alone" sentiment.  However, I also strongly believe that NOBODY should be in a position to ruin your big day.  If she shows up obviously drunk/hungover and looking like a mess, or acting in a wildly inappropriate way,  then have somebody with some "juice" escort her out of the event and let her know that her presence will not be required.  This does not sound like a friendship that will go on much after the wedding anyway and you don't want your wedding to be remembered by stories of an out of control bridesmaid.

A bridesmaid who looks like a mess won't ruin anyone's wedding day. If you think it will, you're high-maintenance.

zitiqueen

Why did you ask her to be your BM? It sounds like you don't like her very much.

Latillo

I have to say I disagree with most of the girls. I think it's important to understand the BM was not sick or injured, she was still drunk/hungover. I don't think any one, bride or not, would appreciate someone coming to a shower, baby shower, birthday party, wedding etc drunk and stumbling because she went on a bender the night before. That is very disrespectful.

If it were me I would have to say something, but this is your friend so you have to decide how you want to handle the situation. Just think of how it will affect your big day, you don't want her to ruin your day, good luck!!

climbingsingle

Latillo said:

I have to say I disagree with most of the girls. I think it's important to understand the BM was not sick or injured, she was still drunk/hungover. I don't think any one, bride or not, would appreciate someone coming to a shower, baby shower, birthday party, wedding etc drunk and stumbling because she went on a bender the night before. That is very disrespectful.

If it were me I would have to say something, but this is your friend so you have to decide how you want to handle the situation. Just think of how it will affect your big day, you don't want her to ruin your day, good luck!!

Ok, let's be real. If she was drunk the night before, she'd be hungover at the party. She wouldn't STILL be drunk and stumbling. 

HisGirlFriday13

Latillo said:

I have to say I disagree with most of the girls. I think it's important to understand the BM was not sick or injured, she was still drunk/hungover. I don't think any one, bride or not, would appreciate someone coming to a shower, baby shower, birthday party, wedding etc drunk and stumbling because she went on a bender the night before. That is very disrespectful.

If it were me I would have to say something, but this is your friend so you have to decide how you want to handle the situation. Just think of how it will affect your big day, you don't want her to ruin your day, good luck!!

Well, then some people need to stop being bridezillas. The only way I got through two of my friends' shit-shows of engagements/weddings was drinking heavily.

phira

JenniferU10 said:

So I have a Bridesmaid that talks a lot of talk and a lot of that talk is negative things about the other Bridesmaids. She is the ONLY Bridesmaid that is not related to me by blood. This problem presented itself back at my Bridal Shower a month and a half ago. She had gone out the entire day before the shower and the day of the shower shows up late, looking like she had just rolled down a hill, and barely able to walk. My sister, MOH, actually went up to her and offered to brush her hair. She only stayed for less than 10 minutes and never really apologized. I had since decided to put her actions in the past and move on and then my Bachelorette Party Weekend happened. We flew out of town together and met up with my three other Bridesmaids for the weekend. The first night after dinner she immediately got "sick" and went back to the house to lay down. The next day she hobbled around the house sulking and trying to make things all about her. She stayed in bed all morning while my other bridesmaids took me to get our nails done. When we went back to the house she decided to join us for sometime at the pool. She ate an entire bag of potato chips and was acting just fine! But when we got back to the house to get ready for our evening she immediately went back to the room and wasn't seen until we left for dinner. On the day we were leaving she changed her flight to an earlier one in the morning leaving myself to fly back alone. It just seems like if the attention is not solely focused on her that she has to make a scene. She is also getting married soon and is ALWAYS playing the "top my story" game. She has yet to apologize for being absent for the majority of the weekend and for basically abandoning me the day we went home. My other Bridesmaids have expressed their concern that if I don't talk to her about this that she could try and pull the same thing the day of the wedding. I just don't know how to present it to her in a gentle way. I feel like I have to say something to make sure we are on the same page I just don't know how to go about it! HELP!

She's not required to attend the shower or bachelorette party.

As someone with an invisible disability (chronic illness), I'm a little appalled at how judgmental you are about whether or not she was sick. I know that with my illness, if I were having a bad day with it, I'd be doing a lot of staying in bed. I wouldn't be able to go to a salon and get my nails done. Potato chips would be one of the few "safe" foods I could eat, or that I'd have an appetite for. And if I was really not feeling well, I'd want to fly home as soon as possible.

Look--your wedding is a day about you and your partner, and your relationship, and the support of your community. But it's also a day that's only REALLY important TO YOU and to your partner. I'm not even a little surprised that your bridesmaid would have the audacity to care more about her wedding than she does about yours.

I think you need to calm down. Let your other bridesmaids know that there's no need to get this other bridesmaid "in line" or anything. No need to collaborate with her about anything. Just make sure that she's invited to all of the things bridesmaids are invited to (for example, if you take all bridesmaids out for manicures, invite her).

There's no need to talk to her about your wedding and her attitude about it. Let it go. It's okay to be frustrated, but she's not actually doing anything wrong.

phira

jneen101 said:

What kind of potato chips were they?

I hope they were Cape Cod. Mmm.

mysticl

JenniferU10 said:

So I have a Bridesmaid that talks a lot of talk and a lot of that talk is negative things about the other Bridesmaids. She is the ONLY Bridesmaid that is not related to me by blood. This problem presented itself back at my Bridal Shower a month and a half ago. She had gone out the entire day before the shower and the day of the shower shows up late, looking like she had just rolled down a hill, and barely able to walk. My sister, MOH, actually went up to her and offered to brush her hair. She only stayed for less than 10 minutes and never really apologized. I had since decided to put her actions in the past and move on and then my Bachelorette Party Weekend happened. We flew out of town together and met up with my three other Bridesmaids for the weekend. The first night after dinner she immediately got "sick" and went back to the house to lay down. The next day she hobbled around the house sulking and trying to make things all about her. She stayed in bed all morning while my other bridesmaids took me to get our nails done. When we went back to the house she decided to join us for sometime at the pool. She ate an entire bag of potato chips and was acting just fine! But when we got back to the house to get ready for our evening she immediately went back to the room and wasn't seen until we left for dinner. On the day we were leaving she changed her flight to an earlier one in the morning leaving myself to fly back alone. It just seems like if the attention is not solely focused on her that she has to make a scene. She is also getting married soon and is ALWAYS playing the "top my story" game. She has yet to apologize for being absent for the majority of the weekend and for basically abandoning me the day we went home. My other Bridesmaids have expressed their concern that if I don't talk to her about this that she could try and pull the same thing the day of the wedding. I just don't know how to present it to her in a gentle way. I feel like I have to say something to make sure we are on the same page I just don't know how to go about it! HELP!

Do you have some sort of physical/health impairment which requires you to have a traveling companion?  If so and she had agreed to be your companion then it was rude of her to just book another flight.  

However, if you do not have such a condition no one is required to match their travel plans to yours.  

Grabows14

I would check up on her and make sure everything is alright. Sounds like she's having a rough time with something

erinlin25

have you made an attempt to talk to your friend about anything other than wedding stuff?   Sounds like something could be going on in her life--maybe she is sick!? Maybe she is having some personal issues?  She spent a whole weekend at your party which I am sure cost a lot of money.  Sounds like her actions were a bit "weird," but there had to be some reason for her to act that way.  Maybe things are uncomfortable for her with the other bridesmaids for some reason?

as for the shower, oh well. It was not a requirement to go and I am sure she felt out of place and embarrassed so I would have left too.

all she needs to do is show up on your wedding day wearing her dress and looking presentable. You still get married either way, so I would not worry about it.  Does it suck, yes, but my gut is that something is going on with her and she may need help.  Try not to be a bride for a few minutes and see what is going on with your friend.

themuffinman16

   It sounds to me that maybe she couldn't afford this elaborate event you had planned. The only time she stuck around was for the free pool outside of your hotel room and ate chips. To me that sounds like she is making a valiant attempt to be your friend by flying there but costs began to escalate.    

   She has her own wedding to plan. I am getting married this year, and I could not afford nor could my friends afford a bachelorette party for me. Plus, two of my bridesmaids are pregnant. The financial burden and time constraints of being a new mom made a bachelor party seem less than ideal, to me.  I told them I didn't want one.  I may have a "ball and chain" party well after I get married (take my bridesmaids to go wine-tasting), but  I am content with my bridal showers. You should be content with all that your friend did for you, and realize it isn't all about you. Other people have other issues, be a good friend, ask about their budget before planning something crazy, if she is sick, ask her if she is okay.

Lauderdale Pink

@HisGirlFriday, glad to know that you are open to people acting in inappropriate ways at parties.  The rest of us expect some decorum at important events.  If not having a stumbling sloppy drunk at a wedding makes me "high maintenance" then so be it. 

HisGirlFriday13

Lauderdale Pink said:

@HisGirlFriday, glad to know that you are open to people acting in inappropriate ways at parties.  The rest of us expect some decorum at important events.  If not having a stumbling sloppy drunk at a wedding makes me "high maintenance" then so be it. 

FFS. Quote me correctly. I also expect decorum from people at events. I am, however, not childish enough to let someone else's bad behaviour ruin my day. 

I went to a bachelorette party this weekend. The bride allowed random dudes to do body shots off her. I thought that was tacky as hell and incredibly classless. But it didn't ruin my night; I just didn't participate.

There's a difference.

Lauderdale Pink

Sorry, I don't put a bachelorette party in the same league as the wedding. 

Maggie0829

Lauderdale Pink said:

Sorry, I don't put a bachelorette party in the same league as the wedding. 

She was just using her most recent experience as an example.

Look no one is saying that it is okay for this girl to be messed up drunk looking like she just rolled out of bed at the wedding.  All people are saying is that just because someone may act like a crazy ass at your wedding or bridal shower or whatever event you are going to, it shouldn't ruin your night. One can only hope that their guests will act properly but if that doesn't happen and your night is ruined by it, the only person to blame is yourself.  You can't control others actions you can only control your own.  So if your night would be ruined because someone started acting crazy then that is your issue.

HisGirlFriday13

Maggie0829 said:

Lauderdale Pink said:

Sorry, I don't put a bachelorette party in the same league as the wedding. 

She was just using her most recent experience as an example.

Look no one is saying that it is okay for this girl to be messed up drunk looking like she just rolled out of bed at the wedding.  All people are saying is that just because someone may act like a crazy ass at your wedding or bridal shower or whatever event you are going to, it shouldn't ruin your night. One can only hope that their guests will act properly but if that doesn't happen and your night is ruined by it, the only person to blame is yourself.  You can't control others actions you can only control your own.  So if your night would be ruined because someone started acting crazy then that is your issue.

Thanks, Maggie. The bolded is correct.

If your life is so utterly dependent on other people's behaviour that someone being drunk at your wedding would 'ruin your day,' I stand my asseveration that you are, in fact, high maintenance.

Hell, my husband's parents CRASHED OUR WEDDING, and his mother didn't bother to wear her false teeth. Should I have said my wedding day was 'ruined' over that? Hardly.

Maggie0829

And to add to HGFs post.  My H got shit ass wasted at our wedding to the point where I found him passed out on our hotel room floor when I came back down from my parents room.  Did his drunk ass ruin my night?  Hell no.  I actually laughed as my BIL and Dad got him into bed, removed his shoes, and my Mom laid on the bed with him 'babysitting' him while I went out to a bar with our friends.

So yeah, if your night is ruined because of others then you have issues.

STARMOON44

Your sister offered to brush her hair? No wonder she talks bad stuff about your family.

HisGirlFriday13

DD'ing your post is only going to attract MORE attention to it. 

Also, you were quoted, so it's pointless.

sophhabobopha

Damn I'm always late.

jneen101

No update on the chips?

MyNameIsNot

Gee, that wasn't childish at all...

Cookie Pusher