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help me from losing it on my FMIL

So my inlaws drove us nuts to get engaged. After we got engaged they disengaged from us. They don’t ask about the wedding, don’t offer to help and have contributed nothing (we are funding wedding ourselves). My family hosted a engagement party they initially wouldn’t attend and then after changing their mind and going never thanked my family and they even saw them a week later (and they ignored them then). Ive made up crafting days so my FMIL can have something to be involved in, sent emails detailing their involvement ( rehearsal attendance, dress/tux shopping) etc., and it still isn’t enough as I recently found out they have been gossiping to another family member behind my back. Apparently they are mad they are not planning the wedding as they assumed they would (?) and are upset my FMIL isn’t in the wedding (Fiances mom is passed, FMIL has been in family for 15 years since fiancé was 25). Apparently they have complaints about now walking in the wedding which I thought would make them feel included, are upset my FMIL isn’t coming on my bachelorette (a resort trip and she has a alcohol problem) and routinely call this family member to gossip. The gossip is down to comparing notes on whether everyone got a text message I sent regarding my attire, and what day they are supposed to be at the venue and how we don’t provide information (which we have been over numerous times). I should add my FMIL complains almost every time we are together about the hassle of getting time off for the wedding and purchased a rather outlandish dress alone after I asked seriously 5 times to take her shopping. And lastly when I had a dinner with my bridal party she was upset and complaining about not being invited. My theory is why would I invite you to a dinner where I am asking other people to be part of the bridal party that you are not part of? To me that is rude. Lastly the only thing they have offered to do is assist with a craft item for the wedding. After complaining about how much time it will take her to complete I did 90% and am leaving the “finishing” work for her. So basically it was no help anyways. Please help Im losing patience.

Re: help me from losing it on my FMIL

  • Who is telling you this?  Is someone reporting to you on your FSMIL?
    Ignore it.  Don't count on any help.  Get her a nice corsage for the wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Just be happy about your upcoming wedding, do your planning and arranging how you want. Get her a nice corsage like @CMGragain recommended, and just give FMIL some humongous overjoyed smiles whenever you see her and gush about how ecstatic you are to be marrying your FI. Focus on your own thing, and let the extra bs roll off your back. Don't let it get to you, because it is not important.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
  • Hi
    My future sil told us after we confided in her about the issues and asked if she had advice.

    What you ladies are saying is right it's just hard. My parents aren't coming (they don't speak to me) and with my fiancé mom gone I want him to feel supported. My family is very supportive which helps but I don't like seeing him disappointed and me feeling like the bad guy.

    This is awful but I was also told that because my FMIL never had kids or a prior wedding she feels like this is "her time." So she is extra complainy because she doesn't get to do all the things (events, decisions) she wants. I think this is shitty considering it would be easy for me to cry in the corner over my parents not wanting to be involved but I'm not.
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Hi My future sil told us after we confided in her about the issues and asked if she had advice. What you ladies are saying is right it's just hard. My parents aren't coming (they don't speak to me) and with my fiancé mom gone I want him to feel supported. My family is very supportive which helps but I don't like seeing him disappointed and me feeling like the bad guy. This is awful but I was also told that because my FMIL never had kids or a prior wedding she feels like this is "her time." So she is extra complainy because she doesn't get to do all the things (events, decisions) she wants. I think this is shitty considering it would be easy for me to cry in the corner over my parents not wanting to be involved but I'm not.
    I'm going to pass on a phrase for you to keep in your mind when she bitches about stuff. It will help.

    Situation: FMIL is whining or has been talking shit about her dire need to plan all your stuff.
    Your mantra: TOUGH TITTY.

    She is not your boss, and she isn't funding the wedding. Give her a big ol' cheeeeeese smile and just repeat the mantra in your head.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
  • Okay so what do you ladies advise I do day of wedding with FMIL. Invite her into my room later on day while hair/ makeup is being done? Is that enough? I'll be really honest we're having a evening wedding and I'm afraid she Will be tanked before it starts!
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You made crafting days to involve your FMIL? Could she be totally not interested in this? You're complaining they aren't contributing to you wedding? You sent them emails detailing their involvement in rehearsal attendance and their wardrobes? You feel a need to police her alcohol consumption on a weekend away? Perhaps you might consider your behavior when you wonder why they've distanced themselves.
    So my inlaws drove us nuts to get engaged. After we got engaged they disengaged from us. They don’t ask about the wedding, don’t offer to help and have contributed nothing (we are funding wedding ourselves). My family hosted a engagement party they initially wouldn’t attend and then after changing their mind and going never thanked my family and they even saw them a week later (and they ignored them then). Ive made up crafting days so my FMIL can have something to be involved in, sent emails detailing their involvement ( rehearsal attendance, dress/tux shopping) etc., and it still isn’t enough as I recently found out they have been gossiping to another family member behind my back. Apparently they are mad they are not planning the wedding as they assumed they would (?) and are upset my FMIL isn’t in the wedding (Fiances mom is passed, FMIL has been in family for 15 years since fiancé was 25). Apparently they have complaints about now walking in the wedding which I thought would make them feel included, are upset my FMIL isn’t coming on my bachelorette (a resort trip and she has a alcohol problem) and routinely call this family member to gossip. The gossip is down to comparing notes on whether everyone got a text message I sent regarding my attire, and what day they are supposed to be at the venue and how we don’t provide information (which we have been over numerous times). I should add my FMIL complains almost every time we are together about the hassle of getting time off for the wedding and purchased a rather outlandish dress alone after I asked seriously 5 times to take her shopping. And lastly when I had a dinner with my bridal party she was upset and complaining about not being invited. My theory is why would I invite you to a dinner where I am asking other people to be part of the bridal party that you are not part of? To me that is rude. Lastly the only thing they have offered to do is assist with a craft item for the wedding. After complaining about how much time it will take her to complete I did 90% and am leaving the “finishing” work for her. So basically it was no help anyways. Please help Im losing patience.

    zitiqueen
  • Your FSMIL may be having some bad feelings about her own history that have nothing to do with you and your wedding.  The whole wedding experience may be bothering her in ways she doesn't even realize.
    Stop listening to your FSIL.  She isn't being helpful by stirring you up.
    Take FSMIL out to lunch, just the two of you, and ask her what she wants to do about being involved with your wedding.  Listen to her.  It isn't all about you.
    Try to include her if she wants to be included, but don't do anything that makes you feel very uncomfortable.
    This lady is likely to be in your life for a long time, and you need to be friends with her.
    If I could deal with my nutty MIL, you can deal with this lady, who, by your accounts, has been kind and supportive to your FI.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    beethery[Deleted User]kitty8403
  • To NYC Mercedes
    Hi,
    I never said I'm policing her alcohol that would imply I'm telling her to stop etc. I said it makes me uncomfortable which is a fair statement.

    Yes I made crafting events because she is into that so she could participate. In sending them emails about the things they are involved in because they have asked. I'm not giving any rules to then in the emails or demands I'm telling them what we would like them to participate in if they want.

    If you come here just to be jerky then please leave my forum. It's obvious you didn't read what I said and just want to be inflammatory.
  • Hi
    You know I've never gotten a straight answer about what it means to her of my FFIL about what it means to "be in the wedding." She has made numerous snide remarks when asking me about the dress code (which we have talked about at her request a million times) saying " while does it matter what I wear since IM not part of the wedding party? I don't understand her assuming she will just automatically participate in any and all events.
  • So my inlaws drove us nuts to get engaged. After we got engaged they disengaged from us. They don’t ask about the wedding, don’t offer to help and have contributed nothing (we are funding wedding ourselves). My family hosted a engagement party they initially wouldn’t attend and then after changing their mind and going never thanked my family and they even saw them a week later (and they ignored them then). Ive made up crafting days so my FMIL can have something to be involved in, sent emails detailing their involvement ( rehearsal attendance, dress/tux shopping) etc., and it still isn’t enough as I recently found out they have been gossiping to another family member behind my back. Apparently they are mad they are not planning the wedding as they assumed they would (?) and are upset my FMIL isn’t in the wedding (Fiances mom is passed, FMIL has been in family for 15 years since fiancé was 25). Apparently they have complaints about now walking in the wedding which I thought would make them feel included, are upset my FMIL isn’t coming on my bachelorette (a resort trip and she has a alcohol problem) and routinely call this family member to gossip. The gossip is down to comparing notes on whether everyone got a text message I sent regarding my attire, and what day they are supposed to be at the venue and how we don’t provide information (which we have been over numerous times). I should add my FMIL complains almost every time we are together about the hassle of getting time off for the wedding and purchased a rather outlandish dress alone after I asked seriously 5 times to take her shopping. And lastly when I had a dinner with my bridal party she was upset and complaining about not being invited. My theory is why would I invite you to a dinner where I am asking other people to be part of the bridal party that you are not part of? To me that is rude. Lastly the only thing they have offered to do is assist with a craft item for the wedding. After complaining about how much time it will take her to complete I did 90% and am leaving the “finishing” work for her. So basically it was no help anyways.

    Please help Im losing patience.

    I'm sorry that you're stuck in the middle of this frustrating situation. It sounds like the FIL's are giving you mixed signals which is always hard. That being said, as frustrating as it might be, it is important to build at least some kind of relationship with them. At this point I might ask them directly how they would like to be involved in the wedding. You coild always have them and someone from your side light a unity candle.
    image
  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Hi My future sil told us after we confided in her about the issues and asked if she had advice. What you ladies are saying is right it's just hard. My parents aren't coming (they don't speak to me) and with my fiancé mom gone I want him to feel supported. My family is very supportive which helps but I don't like seeing him disappointed and me feeling like the bad guy. This is awful but I was also told that because my FMIL never had kids or a prior wedding she feels like this is "her time." So she is extra complainy because she doesn't get to do all the things (events, decisions) she wants. I think this is shitty considering it would be easy for me to cry in the corner over my parents not wanting to be involved but I'm not.
    My SMIL does not have any children of her own. When we were wedding planning I got a little frustrated because I thought she was making things too complicated. DH's mother passed away a few years ago and my parents, while they love me and attended my wedding, were not interested in any planning or normal traditions of a wedding. DH asked me to just let her do some stuff for the wedding since this was likely the only time she would get a chance. I sat down and talked with SMIL about what she would like to be a part of. I also made sure I asked her if she wanted to do any of the traditional wedding stuff like be in the processional, mother/son dance, etc. She ended up declining any of the traditional stuff and told me she would like to handle the flowers and decorations. I said ok and I left it all up to her and she had a blast and everything looked amazing! 

    So to sum up my long ass story: ask your FSMIL how she wants to be involved and involve her in those things. It will make her happy and it will make your future much more pleasant with her. Also, please stop listening to your FSIL. She is stirring up trouble and causing you a lot of unnecessary stress. Next time she starts to tell you what FSMIL is saying about the wedding tell her you don't want to hear it and change the subject. You will save yourself a lot of heartache.
    image
  • Hi
    I really appreciate the time you took to respond. Let me ask you this: last night at dinner I again explained to them we would like to have then walk down the isle and do a special dance with each if them so they feel included. I asked them point blank several times if there are any questions about any wedding stuff, and what else they would like to be involved in and it was silence.

    I had my maids ask her if she would like to be involved in my shower so she could feel like part of things. While last night my fiancé asked how it's going and she said she has gotten no communication. I said well my MOH said she emailed you. She said ooooh yah, she did. While do save you a long story she never said I'm happy to help, I'm looking forward to it, I had to sit like a bumbling ass and explain that we asked her to help cause we thought it would be fun for her and she does to have to if she isn't interested. Then I explained how the 2 planners work full time and have kids etc. and to be patient and maybe approach j them about what she could help with and it turned into a pissing contest about who is busiest as she felt the need to say she is soooo busy with her job and dog.

    Bottom line now my family is offended and I get why because it's like we have to force her to help.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    beethery said:
    Hi My future sil told us after we confided in her about the issues and asked if she had advice. What you ladies are saying is right it's just hard. My parents aren't coming (they don't speak to me) and with my fiancé mom gone I want him to feel supported. My family is very supportive which helps but I don't like seeing him disappointed and me feeling like the bad guy. This is awful but I was also told that because my FMIL never had kids or a prior wedding she feels like this is "her time." So she is extra complainy because she doesn't get to do all the things (events, decisions) she wants. I think this is shitty considering it would be easy for me to cry in the corner over my parents not wanting to be involved but I'm not.
    I'm going to pass on a phrase for you to keep in your mind when she bitches about stuff. It will help.

    Situation: FMIL is whining or has been talking shit about her dire need to plan all your stuff.
    Your mantra: TOUGH TITTY.

    She is not your boss, and she isn't funding the wedding. Give her a big ol' cheeeeeese smile and just repeat the mantra in your head.

    Disagree big time.  No one should have to give anyone a "big smile" or "repeat mantras in their head" when someone is talking trash about you behind your back.  The people talking the trash need to stop.  This course of action just gives them permission to keep the trash level up.

    OP, what you need to do is stop trying to make nice and "include" your FMIL at all, and get your FI on your side.  He needs to tell his mother to STFU (politely, of course).  But above all, she needs to stop spreading false stories about you behind your back.
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    @Jen4948

    When people shit-talk me and I have to spend time around them, I fuck with them by being super super sweet. If they act like a dick in front of me, I just smile at them, roll my eyes, and lol on the inside. It pisses them off. When I have to do this kind of thing, I will usually be super super nice, and then right as it's time to leave and I'm saying my goodbyes, I will give them a very nice Stepford Wife piano smile "It was SO good to see you!" It weirds them out, and all they will be able to shit-talk going forward is how creepily nice you were, if they do any more after that.

    In the SUPER rare occasion when I am dealing with someone who shit-talks me I, will follow it with (in a low voice), "And keep my fucking name out of your mouth. Or a whole bunch of low-key bullshit you didn't think anyone knew will start to go around about you, we good?" It helps that people like to confide in me, so I usually know crazy shit about people.

    That said,I agree with most of what you said, FI needs to back OP up. Without a doubt. FMIL is being a huge PITA. She is also FMIL and OP is going to have to deal with her until she croaks. It's a different situation than some catty shitbag who can easily be avoided. Burning a bridge over dumb douchebaggery isn't always necessary.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    beethery said:
    @Jen4948

    When people shit-talk me and I have to spend time around them, I fuck with them by being super super sweet. If they act like a dick in front of me, I just smile at them, roll my eyes, and lol on the inside. It pisses them off. When I have to do this kind of thing, I will usually be super super nice, and then right as it's time to leave and I'm saying my goodbyes, I will give them a very nice Stepford Wife piano smile "It was SO good to see you!" It weirds them out, and all they will be able to shit-talk going forward is how creepily nice you were, if they do any more after that.

    In the SUPER rare occasion when I am dealing with someone who shit-talks me I, will follow it with (in a low voice), "And keep my fucking name out of your mouth. Or a whole bunch of low-key bullshit you didn't think anyone knew will start to go around about you, we good?" It helps that people like to confide in me, so I usually know crazy shit about people.

    That said,I agree with most of what you said, FI needs to back OP up. Without a doubt. FMIL is being a huge PITA. She is also FMIL and OP is going to have to deal with her until she croaks. It's a different situation than some catty shitbag who can easily be avoided. Burning a bridge over dumb douchebaggery isn't always necessary.
    This is what you personally do.

    But when you have to do it all the time, with too many people, you start to feel like your needs and feelings don't count and respect is one way.  I have personal experience, and believe me, when you have to give one-way respect and get treated like shit in return, the last thing I want is to be told to "give a big smile and ignore it" when I've been trying to ignore it.

    Look, everyone has a boundary, and having to do too much "ignoring it" and being told to "give a big smile" on top of that while the other person keeps snarking and pushing it because you can't tell them to stop just eventually pushes you nearer and nearer to the edge where you can't take it anymore.  Nobody wants to go over that edge.  At some point you just have to say, "Knock it the fuck off already!"
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    beethery said:
    @Jen4948

    When people shit-talk me and I have to spend time around them, I fuck with them by being super super sweet. If they act like a dick in front of me, I just smile at them, roll my eyes, and lol on the inside. It pisses them off. When I have to do this kind of thing, I will usually be super super nice, and then right as it's time to leave and I'm saying my goodbyes, I will give them a very nice Stepford Wife piano smile "It was SO good to see you!" It weirds them out, and all they will be able to shit-talk going forward is how creepily nice you were, if they do any more after that.

    In the SUPER rare occasion when I am dealing with someone who shit-talks me I, will follow it with (in a low voice), "And keep my fucking name out of your mouth. Or a whole bunch of low-key bullshit you didn't think anyone knew will start to go around about you, we good?" It helps that people like to confide in me, so I usually know crazy shit about people.

    That said,I agree with most of what you said, FI needs to back OP up. Without a doubt. FMIL is being a huge PITA. She is also FMIL and OP is going to have to deal with her until she croaks. It's a different situation than some catty shitbag who can easily be avoided. Burning a bridge over dumb douchebaggery isn't always necessary.
    This is what you personally do.

    But when you have to do it all the time, with too many people, you start to feel like your needs and feelings don't count and respect is one way.  I have personal experience, and believe me, when you have to give one-way respect and get treated like shit in return, the last thing I want is to be told to "give a big smile and ignore it" when I've been trying to ignore it.

    Look, everyone has a boundary, and having to do too much "ignoring it" and being told to "give a big smile" on top of that while the other person keeps snarking and pushing it because you can't tell them to stop just eventually pushes you nearer and nearer to the edge where you can't take it anymore.  Nobody wants to go over that edge.  At some point you just have to say, "Knock it the fuck off already!"
    The point is to know the consequences of what you choose to do, and the consequences of "Knock it the fuck off already!" could be dire in this situation.
    And the consequences of not doing so, and to keep being told to "give a big smile and keep your mouth shut" when you've been doing this all along and it makes absolutely no difference except to drive you crazier, could be even more dire.
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    @Jenn4948

    It is what I personally do with nasty non-relatives, and it has worked great. I have also had to use that strategy with two aunts, it worked great. Also, it doesn't come off as genuine, so it doesn't get misconstrued as respect. They know I don't like them, and they know that I am being passive aggressive. It just makes them look like dickcheese if they act out because of it. If anyone then goes and shit-talks about how I'm suuuuuuch a bitch even after I didn't do anything but be so super nice and it trickles back down the ol' grapevine, it's fine by me. I am a bitch, I'm ok with it.

    It sounds like OP isn't dealing with too too many people on this crazy train, just FFIL and FMIL. At this point maybe she does need to have it out with them, hopefully her FI backs her up. If not, the people who buy into the shit-talking are just as bad as FILs, and all of them can fuck right off.

    She might be at the point of being done asking how they can include them, and can call and end to that by saying, "If you can't give us a straight answer about how we can include you and make you feel so important without just having a party for you, then we don't need to discuss any wedding stuff with you, and we'd appreciate if you stopped complaining to others about it."

    Either get right to the point and TELL THEM to stop talking shit, or be PA nice so that they look crazy.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
    HisGirlFriday13
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    beethery said:
    @Jenn4948

    It is what I personally do with nasty non-relatives, and it has worked great. I have also had to use that strategy with two aunts, it worked great. Also, it doesn't come off as genuine, so it doesn't get misconstrued as respect. They know I don't like them, and they know that I am being passive aggressive. It just makes them look like dickcheese if they act out because of it. If anyone then goes and shit-talks about how I'm suuuuuuch a bitch even after I didn't do anything but be so super nice and it trickles back down the ol' grapevine, it's fine by me. I am a bitch, I'm ok with it.

    It sounds like OP isn't dealing with too too many people on this crazy train, just FFIL and FMIL. At this point maybe she does need to have it out with them, hopefully her FI backs her up. If not, the people who buy into the shit-talking are just as bad as FILs, and all of them can fuck right off.

    She might be at the point of being done asking how they can include them, and can call and end to that by saying, "If you can't give us a straight answer about how we can include you and make you feel so important without just having a party for you, then we don't need to discuss any wedding stuff with you, and we'd appreciate if you stopped complaining to others about it."

    Either get right to the point and TELL THEM to stop talking shit, or be PA nice so that they look crazy.
    I prefer the first of your bolded courses of action.  Being PA nice usually doesn't get through to crazy people that they look like jerks-they're too self-righteous for that and they interpret your niceness as "permission" to keep treating you like shit.
  • Jen4948 said:
    beethery said:
    @Jenn4948

    It is what I personally do with nasty non-relatives, and it has worked great. I have also had to use that strategy with two aunts, it worked great. Also, it doesn't come off as genuine, so it doesn't get misconstrued as respect. They know I don't like them, and they know that I am being passive aggressive. It just makes them look like dickcheese if they act out because of it. If anyone then goes and shit-talks about how I'm suuuuuuch a bitch even after I didn't do anything but be so super nice and it trickles back down the ol' grapevine, it's fine by me. I am a bitch, I'm ok with it.

    It sounds like OP isn't dealing with too too many people on this crazy train, just FFIL and FMIL. At this point maybe she does need to have it out with them, hopefully her FI backs her up. If not, the people who buy into the shit-talking are just as bad as FILs, and all of them can fuck right off.

    She might be at the point of being done asking how they can include them, and can call and end to that by saying, "If you can't give us a straight answer about how we can include you and make you feel so important without just having a party for you, then we don't need to discuss any wedding stuff with you, and we'd appreciate if you stopped complaining to others about it."

    Either get right to the point and TELL THEM to stop talking shit, or be PA nice so that they look crazy.
    I prefer the first of your bolded courses of action.  Being PA nice usually doesn't get through to crazy people that they look like jerks-they're too self-righteous for that and they interpret your niceness as "permission" to keep treating you like shit.
    This is true. But at least if you're unfailingly polite, you don't look like the ass.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    beetherypinkshorts27
  • Hi
    While first I really appreciate all the responses.

    For the first 1.5 years things were great and I didn't have to pretend. Then the 4 of us went to Hawaii and while I had a fine time they told my FI that I wasn't chummy enough with my FMIL and they were disappointed. While frankly there was no truth to that as I bought her a hat (she forgot hers), scheduled outings for her, bought her $16 nail polish (for ppl with allergies) that she have back saying the color wasn't her taste.

    I'm at the point now where I go and participate and interact but it's not enough. I think they read through my nice on the outside cursing you on the inside and wonder why I'm not more "interested." Well I explained to my FI I'm not "interested" because they know little about me because they never ask and I know a LOT about them because I've tried to be genuinely interested. I work in law enforcement and my classmate was killed and I attended the funeral last week which was sobering. You think they said anything to me? No they complained about the road closures and why it's such a long ceremony. So yes at this point it's hard to put my nice face on :)
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited May 2014
    @mrsmeaglia

    Your FILs are clearly bananas. 

    It sounds like unless they wake up to some kind of human centipede thing with you in the middle, you will never be interested enough in them. I don't recommend going that route.

    Unless you and FI are ready to cut them off, be nice, eye roll, and move on. Until you get to the point of confrontation, wash/rinse/repeat and don't go out of your way to shove your head up their asses like they so clearly want you to do. I wish you all the best! 

    ETA: courtesy is a two-way street and they obviously forgot.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
  • To Beerhery:
    I agree. They don't know what courtesy is. My FI and SIL think that because when I go to their house for dinner/major holidays they will occasionally buy lobster or crab for me (I don't eat meat) or will make gluten free foods. While I agree it's nice they do that I also believe when you have someone over you should make a nice meal for them. I go out of my way to make nice dinners when they come over because it's the right thing to do. Somehow though the fact they make nice dinners has become a huge point when trying to get me to believe they "go out of their way for me."

    It's insane things like the above that make them so hard to deal with. Id rather have no special meal and you don't make face and say you don't like my engagement photos (that happened last night), sit silent when I ask if you want to be involved in my shower, or ask what my dreS is like with my FI there!

    SORRY I JUST NEED TO VENT!
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    At this point, I would have started being a snotty shit. You are a strong, strong lady.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
  • My FMIL actually asked my fiance why he proposed to me. The only thing she's commented on about the wedding is giving me a magazine to show me a yellow long sleeve cardigan sweater she thought I could wear at the wedding... My wedding is mid-June  and my colors are maroon and silver. At this point, I don't discuss the wedding with her. If it's brought up when she's around I smile and give details and express my emotions for the up coming day and do my best to ignore her looks and comments. I recommend you try the same, focus on the peple that want to help and are happy for you.
  • Who is repeating all this gossip to you and why are they? This person - who is carrying these tales to you - is not your friend. This person is not a friend to your in-laws. This person is a self-serving, untrustworthy, gossiping, pot-stirrer who is enjoying the drama and his or her role as a double agent. So tell this person you don't care to hear any more tales of what your in-laws do, think, say. Tell this person that if your in-laws have an issue, you trust they will bring it up with you directly if it's something they feel strongly about. Shut them down if they try to tell you any more tales. Ask your in-laws how they would like to be included. Tell them you would be happy to have them involved but don't want to impose. Let go of some of your expectations. Them wanting you to be married to their son is not the same thing as wanting to be involved in wedding planning. They are not at all obligated to contribute financially or do crafts or anything else so if they don't want too - drop it and let it go. Conversely, if they want to be in a snit because they don't like a choice you made, don't sweat it. They'll get over it. You might ask your FI to have a word with them and ask if everything is okay and give them an opportunity to tell him directly if there's anything that's upsetting them. He in turn can let them know if there are things they want that you all don't. But seriously, stop listening to the pot-stirrer. This person is not trying to help you.
    kitty8403
  • Alright...I'm just going to touch on a few things. 

    1 - you made a comment in your initial post about them not contributing to the wedding. You're an adult - they don't owe you money for your wedding. You can't complain about them not funding your big day.

    2-Don't make up tasks for people to do. Them being involved in your wedding doesn't mean being forced to do things. I'm taking my FMIL shopping for her dress, and we're taking both sets of parents out to try the rehearsal venue. While they are getting a say - we aren't making them assembly line workers. 

    3-Whoever is doing all this gossiping sounds like a child. Please ask them to stop talking shit on your FMIL to you. This woman is going to be your family - whoever is trying to ruin your relationship with her needs to stop.

    4-You shouldn't be asking people to be involved in your shower. People volunteer to host showers as a gift - they aren't asked.
    Zhabeegokitty8403
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