UPDATED: Online NIGHTMARE! VENTING

Gizmo813

I have felt through much of this wedding planning process that my mom has been purposely defiant. If I make a suggestion about something, she does the EXACT OPPOSITE! Add that to her ridiculous behavior and poor assumptions based on faulty information and I'm about to lose it. 

This situation is no different (and this post is more of a VENT than anything). I had been bugging my mom for MONTHS to start looking for a dress for my August wedding. I wanted her to have the opportunity to choose a dress first before FI mom, as is the tradition. She didn't START looking until April. At that point, ordering anything that took 8 - 12 weeks to be delivered was out of the question. Off the rack at a department store was out of the question because she didn't want to spend that much money. So, against my recommendation, she looked online at jjshouse and jdbridal. Both stores are based in China. I warned her of the risks. I cautioned her to check the return policy thoroughly before ordering anything. Did she? Of course not.

She couldn't decide on a dress OR a color. So she ordered 2 styles in 2 different colors. (Total: 4 dresses.) I took her measurements and told her what size to order. She didn't like the size I told her ("I've never been that size ... ever!!"). I explained the awful truth about how sizing for these dresses is AT LEAST 2 sizes bigger than a normal dress. She didn't believe me. And ordered all 4 dresses one size smaller than she should have. So, they're all too small. 

So, because 1) she didn't listen to me, 2) ordered a dress from China and 3) didn't listen to me (yes, I said that twice), she may be stuck paying for 5 DRESSES!! 4 of which she can't wear because they are too small / wrong color / wrong style / she doesn't like them. 

In her quest to save money, she wound up spending 5x more than she would have IF SHE JUST LISTENED TO ME!!  

Does this impact me in the grand scheme of things? No ... except now I have to hear about it. 

Rosebubbly

I know how horrible you feel! But, silver lining...I bet you'll have a hilarious update to post when they all come in. Let's hope one of them works or she is foing to be stuck buying off the rack.

LDay2014

Gizmo813 said:

I have felt through much of this wedding planning process that my mom has been purposely defiant. If I make a suggestion about something, she does the EXACT OPPOSITE! Add that to her ridiculous behavior and poor assumptions based on faulty information and I'm about to lose it. 

This situation is no different (and this post is more of a VENT than anything). I had been bugging my mom for MONTHS to start looking for a dress for my August wedding. I wanted her to have the opportunity to choose a dress first before FI mom, as is the tradition. She didn't START looking until April. At that point, ordering anything that took 8 - 12 weeks to be delivered was out of the question. Off the rack at a department store was out of the question because she didn't want to spend that much money. So, against my recommendation, she looked online at jjshouse and jdbridal. Both stores are based in China. I warned her of the risks. I cautioned her to check the return policy thoroughly before ordering anything. Did she? Of course not.

She couldn't decide on a dress OR a color. So she ordered 2 styles in 2 different colors. (Total: 4 dresses.) I took her measurements and told her what size to order. She didn't like the size I told her ("I've never been that size ... ever!!"). I explained the awful truth about how sizing for these dresses is AT LEAST 2 sizes bigger than a normal dress. She didn't believe me. And ordered all 4 dresses one size smaller than she should have. So, they're all too small. 

So, because 1) she didn't listen to me, 2) ordered a dress from China and 3) didn't listen to me (yes, I said that twice), she may be stuck paying for 5 DRESSES!! 4 of which she can't wear because they are too small / wrong color / wrong style / she doesn't like them. 

In her quest to save money, she wound up spending 5x more than she would have IF SHE JUST LISTENED TO ME!!  

Does this impact me in the grand scheme of things? No ... except now I have to hear about it. 

LOL, well, when she whines about the fact none of them fit...you can tell her what she's probably told you all your life 'Told you so'

Honestly though, if she's being that dramatic about it, she knows when the wedding is - leave it up to her to figure it out.  She's an adult.

theartistformerlyknownas

Well if I can be brutally honest... she probably is being purposely defiant because she's annoyed that you bugged her about it for so long. There's no reason she had to order that early or order anything before the MOG. Mothers are not part of the wedding party and can wear absolutely whatever they want. 

Gizmo813

lolo883 said:

Well if I can be brutally honest... she probably is being purposely defiant because she's annoyed that you bugged her about it for so long. There's no reason she had to order that early or order anything before the MOG. Mothers are not part of the wedding party and can wear absolutely whatever they want. 

1. I'm not telling her what to wear. She CAN wear whatever she wants.

2. My FMIL was purposely waiting for my mom to choose a dress before deciding on hers. Out of traditional courtesy, and because she didn't want to wear the same dress or dress color as my mom. Not because I requested it. My mother knew this, and was being inconsiderate of my FMIL's consideration. (FMIL got tired of waiting and bought a dress ... purposely avoiding the colors my mom was considering. Again, not because I asked her, but because of her own choice.)

3. I misrepresented my actions earlier, because I was frustrated. "Bugging" is the wrong word. "Encouraging" or "Nudging" is more like it. Because of #2, but also because I knew that my mom was planning on wearing a more formal dress, would have to find it, have it altered, possibly have it delivered. And I know what her schedule is in terms of how much time she will have in June and July to take care of this, and I wanted her to have as much time as possible. (And since my mom has no idea how long these things could potentially take, nudging and encouraging was necessary.)

4. My mom is being purposely defiant because of other issues that I will not discuss here. The defiance is across-the-board .. not specific to the dress-buying scenario. 

hyechica81

is there any way she can take one of the dresses to a seemstress to see what can be done.

my mom found her dress for my wedding off the rack at macys on sale and needs no altering

Gizmo813

UPDATE:

So my mom's dresses have all come in. They are all too small. The one that she thought she liked the best when she was looking at it online ended up being two different shades of blue ... and a different shade of blue than the online color swatches. So now, instead of buying ONE $170 dress, she has purchased 4 of them, and is thinking she will need to buy another one so it fits. 

The only contact information on the website for customer service is an email address. No phone number. (That should have been her first clue.) She emailed them about returning the dresses. They said, sorry ... we don't accept returns for any reason. So, now she's stuck with the dresses. And acted all surprised that this happened because, "I order clothes online and from catalogs all the time." I tried to warn her ... 

I suggested she call her credit card company and see if they can help her. If she's truly stuck with the dresses, we'll try and resell them to recoup at least SOME of the cost. 

She was also about ready to spend ANOTHER $170 on a dress, from the same website, but in another size. (Does she not LEARN???) I suggested that she take the dress that she likes to a seamstress to see if they can let it out for her. (And possibly fix the zipper ... it's very low quality.) It needs to be hemmed a lot anyway, so I'm hoping they can take the fabric from the hem and add it to the bodice somehow. 

Maybe she'll listen to me this time....

kitty8403

Gizmo813 said:

UPDATE:

So my mom's dresses have all come in. They are all too small. The one that she thought she liked the best when she was looking at it online ended up being two different shades of blue ... and a different shade of blue than the online color swatches. So now, instead of buying ONE $170 dress, she has purchased 4 of them, and is thinking she will need to buy another one so it fits. 

The only contact information on the website for customer service is an email address. No phone number. (That should have been her first clue.) She emailed them about returning the dresses. They said, sorry ... we don't accept returns for any reason. So, now she's stuck with the dresses. And acted all surprised that this happened because, "I order clothes online and from catalogs all the time." I tried to warn her ... 

I suggested she call her credit card company and see if they can help her. If she's truly stuck with the dresses, we'll try and resell them to recoup at least SOME of the cost. 

She was also about ready to spend ANOTHER $170 on a dress, from the same website, but in another size. (Does she not LEARN???) I suggested that she take the dress that she likes to a seamstress to see if they can let it out for her. (And possibly fix the zipper ... it's very low quality.) It needs to be hemmed a lot anyway, so I'm hoping they can take the fabric from the hem and add it to the bodice somehow. 

Maybe she'll listen to me this time....

I am honestly confused at this point. She's buying $170 dresses but the department stores are too much? She should be able to find something decent (that fits) at a local Macy's or Penneys, etc for the same or less!

kitty8403

She could try local classifieds. My mom got her dress from another woman who originally bought it for the same reason. A little cleaning and tailoring, and presto. Very pretty formal-looking gown for around a hundred bucks.

Gizmo813

kitty8403 said:

I am honestly confused at this point. She's buying $170 dresses but the department stores are too much? She should be able to find something decent (that fits) at a local Macy's or Penneys, etc for the same or less!

SITB

You would think. And I wholeheartedly agree. We went to Macy's and JCPenney. She GLANCED around, said, "eh" and walked away. But of course, by that time, she had already looked online and liked the two dresses from these Chinese places and had her heart set. If these alterations don't work out, we might be revisiting that option. Hopefully before she places an order for ANOTHER chinese online dress. 

QueerFemme

Why doesn't she look for the real designer of the knockoff dress she wanted and order it from a legit place?

kitty8403

I have a hard time buying that there needs to be this much drama. At this point, it's starting to sound like a bid for attention, like she thinks her dress is as (or more) important as yours and wants the spotlight. Nobody orders 4 dresses in the same size from the same place from the same "designer" for the same event! That's diva territory in my book.

I think it's time to let go and let your mom be an adult. She knows about the seamstress and she knows what a department store is. I think maybe it'd help if you go back to real wedding plans and start ignoring this crap.

climbingsingle

Ugh, how frustrating! I would be dragging my mom to Macy's. Surely she can find a dress there!

jenna8984

She doesn't own anything that she has worn to other weddings? Honestly not THAT big of a deal. My mother and my fiance's mother are both wearing dresses that they already own. My mom wore it to my brother's wedding just a year ago and I don't give a crap that she's wearing it to mine. I would also tell your FI's mom that she's being very considerate but to just go ahead and get whatever she likes in whatever color she likes.