FI's ex invited herself to wedding

BlackLace2015

To keep it short, this person invited herself in a comment on FB. I am unsure if I would actually want her and her whole family at our wedding but I felt put on the spot at the time so I said "of course!" . She and FI have a son together who will be in the wedding, which is not until NEXT fall. Am I obligated, etiquette-wise, to send her an invitation?

HisGirlFriday13

You are now that you've said 'of course!'. Otherwise you would not have been.

However, you only have to invite her, unless her comment related to her whole family and you agreed to that.

Your FI should deal with his ex. Not inviting someone after issuing a verbal invite is a relationship-ending move, and since she's the mother of your FI's son, that's not a viable option.

BlackLace2015 said:

To keep it short, this person invited herself in a comment on FB. I am unsure if I would actually want her and her whole family at our wedding but I felt put on the spot at the time so I said "of course!" . She and FI have a son together who will be in the wedding, which is not until NEXT fall. Am I obligated, etiquette-wise, to send her an invitation?

BlackLace2015

Crap. I figured as much.

BlackLace2015

Fi has him every weekend so it would undoubtedly fall during his parenting time. I guess if I'm afraid it will make me uncomfortable I'll just have to limit the invitation to her and her bf and put them at a table with some mutual friends, if they still have any. Thanks ladies!

kla728

Definitely agree on mastering "we haven't finalized our guest list."  I have lived in the area we now both live in for about two years, and we may be inviting some of my work friends but we still aren't sure because sometimes its kind of hard to assess who are really friends and who are just people you're friendly with at work.  I've used this phrase 100x over... including for some people that I'm not really considering.

Unfortunately, the 'of course' comment did kind of do you in.  The only reason I would back out of it now is if she is likely to cause drama, in which case I think even TK etiquette pros would agree its okay to back step from your original statement.  Definitely don't feel obligated to invite her whole family based on the FB exchange, though.

Teddy917

I can see why she would want to come. It's her son all dressed up and participating in something. The fact that it's your wedding probably has nothing to do with it.

BlackLace2015

The fact is she is always on FB "liking" all our gushy lovey stuff but I know for a fact she was trying to get back together with him right before we started dating and she is known as a "bitchy" personality so I am just not sure if her support is genuine, which is what makes me uncomfortable. I don't want someone in the background snarking our wedding on our special night, but I don't want to cause hard feelings or drama either.  I just hope the night is so busy I won't have time to worry about that. I would like to think if she wasn't happy for us she wouldn't want anything to do with it.

OnceUponAVine

I think this is one where your fiance is going to have to decide what will make his life (in regards to co-parenting his son) easier. If not inviting her will cause tons of drama and have potential repercussions on the standing custody agreement then just suck it up and invite her. And as a side note - even the seemingly most reasonable ex's can get a little crazy when the other parent of their child is getting married.

BlackLace2015

she has said that she likes me because I am good to her son (whereas his last ex apparently always yelled at the poor kid) so I have that going for me. I am not the type to make a scene or cause drama at all so I think it'll be ok.

APDSS22

Going forward you might want to limit what you put on Facebook (about the wedding) as well.  Since you basically invited her when you said "of course!" you're kinda stuck and that could easily happen again with other "friends" on Facebook.

lizandmark2014

I think she needs an invite because her son is attending. Just as you would invite a flower girl's parent.
She may just want to see him be apart of something, as a pp has said. She may or May not be of help by keeping the child entertained. (I am assuming the child is less than 10)

alpacalunch

To be honest, I think it would make sense to invite her regardless of what happened on FB. She's the mother of your future SS, it's not a relationship you want to take more chances with than necessary. She is becoming your family-by-proxy. Also, you didn't mention this, but if the son is young, he might be more comfortable having his mom there, since his dad will be pretty busy that day. This of course is assuming there's no major reason not to invite her other than just general 'she's a jerk'.

BlackLace2015

His son is 13 years old, he will be standing as a groomsman, if he wants to. My FMIL is actually the one who opened up the convo about my wedding on FB so it was extra awkward. I discussed this with FI and we decided to invite her and her bf (not her other kids, mom, etc) and try to seat her in the back somewhere with some of their mutual friends. Thanks everyone.

Rosebubbly

I disagree with whoever said she needs an invite since her son is in the wedding. It would be nice if we all lived in that happy world where all exes got along but it is awkward and uncomfortable. It is not the same as the flower girls mother, that is an etiquette thing. This is not. If the OP has a good relationship with the ex and stepsons mom, well go for it! More power to you! If we could all be that way the world would be a better place.
I would never want to go to my exes wedding! I have a son from a previous marriage and would never have him at my wedding for any reason whatsoever.

HisGirlFriday13

Rosebubbly said:

I disagree with whoever said she needs an invite since her son is in the wedding. It would be nice if we all lived in that happy world where all exes got along but it is awkward and uncomfortable. It is not the same as the flower girls mother, that is an etiquette thing. This is not. If the OP has a good relationship with the ex and stepsons mom, well go for it! More power to you! If we could all be that way the world would be a better place.
I would never want to go to my exes wedding! I have a son from a previous marriage and would never have him at my wedding for any reason whatsoever.

Their relationship aside, she issued a verbal invite, which means paper invite. If she didn't want to invite the ex, she shouldn't have agreed to it.

And OP, your FI should tell his mother to keep the wedding stuff off FB.

huskypuppy14

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I disagree with whoever said she needs an invite since her son is in the wedding. It would be nice if we all lived in that happy world where all exes got along but it is awkward and uncomfortable. It is not the same as the flower girls mother, that is an etiquette thing. This is not. If the OP has a good relationship with the ex and stepsons mom, well go for it! More power to you! If we could all be that way the world would be a better place. I would never want to go to my exes wedding! I have a son from a previous marriage and would never have him at my wedding for any reason whatsoever.

Their relationship aside, she issued a verbal invite, which means paper invite. If she didn't want to invite the ex, she shouldn't have agreed to it. And OP, your FI should tell his mother to keep the wedding stuff off FB.

 Some previous posters said that regardless of what happened on facebook, they should still invite the ex, because she is the mother. I think Rose was saying, if she hadn't given the verbal invite she would not be required to invite her.

HisGirlFriday13

huskypuppy14 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Rosebubbly said:

I disagree with whoever said she needs an invite since her son is in the wedding. It would be nice if we all lived in that happy world where all exes got along but it is awkward and uncomfortable. It is not the same as the flower girls mother, that is an etiquette thing. This is not. If the OP has a good relationship with the ex and stepsons mom, well go for it! More power to you! If we could all be that way the world would be a better place.
I would never want to go to my exes wedding! I have a son from a previous marriage and would never have him at my wedding for any reason whatsoever.

Their relationship aside, she issued a verbal invite, which means paper invite. If she didn't want to invite the ex, she shouldn't have agreed to it.

And OP, your FI should tell his mother to keep the wedding stuff off FB.

 Some previous posters said that regardless of what happened on facebook, they should still invite the ex, because she is the mother. I think Rose was saying, if she hadn't given the verbal invite she would not be required to invite her.

Ahhhhh, missed that. Thanks!

Yeah, biology is NEVER a reason for issuing invites to people. DNA doesn't get you invited. Your behaviour does (or doesn't.)

Starlet514

My FI's ex made a comment to him "I hope I'm invited to the wedding"... I considered it until the first time I saw her after we got engaged and I didn't get a "congrats" or any acknowledgement about the engagement... It was then I figured she was going to be a "ruin-er"... so despite their 2 children being part of the wedding part as MOH and Best-man she is not invited. The kids live with FI and I full time - her involvement in their lives is currently a couple of hours every other weekend and a couple of hours during the week if lucky - perhaps if she was more involved I would have a different opinion of it all... 

However... verbal invite = paper invite... good for you for being so welcoming!!! 

phira

You need to invite her because you invited her verbally. However, I disagree with people who say she should have been invited anyway. This isn't a recital or concert or baseball game. It's a private event.

Rosebubbly

Thanks @huskypuppy14‌ that's exactly what I meant. I'm not always the best at verbalizing. :-)

HisGirlFriday13

Rosebubbly said:

Thanks @huskypuppy14‌ that's exactly what I meant. I'm not always the best at verbalizing. :-)

I just totally missed the PP who said that she should be invited because she was the son's mother.

Yeah, no. Hell no.

alpacalunch

Just to clarify my earlier statement (which I do stand by),

I think it would be a nice gesture. Based on what the OP wrote, she's been supportive of their relationship, and has expressed interest in coming. As her son is still young, he might like having her there. I don't think it's a crazy idea to invite her based purely on the basis that she has a child with OPs FH. 

However, since what did happen happened, yes I think you need to invite her formally. As you already did casually. 

Fortunately, as has been stated thousands of times, an invitation isn't a summons. She may not go, and all is happily moot.

singinchick13

Ok buuuuuuut, OP did say that there was a time where she was trying to get her ex-husband back (implying that this was during their relationship, I think). Does threatening the state of their relationship (ie. trying to sleep with the groom) whether it was before or after they were engaged not constitute a behavioural reason to not invite her? Even if the OP was being nice on fb I would think this was reason enough to not want her there.

FWIW, I absolutely agree with Rose also. In no way is it necessary to invite the ex-wife just because her son is in the wedding party. My mother wasn't even allowed to see pictures of my father's second wedding and my sister and I were 2 and 3 year-old flowergirls.

alpacalunch

BlackLace2015 said:

The fact is she is always on FB "liking" all our gushy lovey stuff but I know for a fact she was trying to get back together with him right before we started dating 

If this had happened while OP and her FI were together, sure, all bets are off. But as I interpreted it (forgive me if I'm wrong) it was before they were together at all. The idea of someone wanting to reconcile with a partner while they're both single doesn't bother me in the least. Try anything with someone in a relationship, that's a dealbreaker, sure, but this I find far less of an insult as the OP was not technically in the picture at all. 

I get that this can be a very sticky situation, and that it's coloured by our own experiences. As someone who grew up with two parents who have been together for over 40yrs and happily almost all of it, I think that maybe I just don't see the harm. Assuming everyone acts like grownups. That's the catch.

photokitty

I'm going to state the obvious...perhaps one should not be Facebook friends with their FI's ex-spouse. Or at the very least, they should be on a restricted friend list. I have a few people I couldn't unfriend, but they are on a list that does not see 90% of my posts. Facebook has allowed people to do/say/write so many stupid things that never needed to be seen and preserved for all eternity and passed around the world. Co-parenting and civil/polite relationships do not require a friend request on social media. (and everyone knows cyber stalking exs is a top FB use, why make it easier???)

abbyj700

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Thanks @huskypuppy14‌ that's exactly what I meant. I'm not always the best at verbalizing. :-)

I just totally missed the PP who said that she should be invited because she was the son's mother. Yeah, no. Hell no.

Yeah- my FI's baby momma is not invited to ours. We are cordial with her...but she is about the last person on earth I want at our wedding - and I'm sure FI would be mortified at the idea of her being there. 

I also have no clue why an ex would want to be invited to the wedding. Even if you ended things well and are a real team raising your child together - why on earth would you want to attend their wedding?

One of FI's ex's would probably love to be invited to our wedding (not his daughter's mom) and it's mostly because she's a frickin nutcase.

KGold80

So, I'm on good terms with my ex-H and his new wife, but there isn't a chance in hell I would invite them to my wedding and I would have politely declined had they invited me to theirs. Despite the fact that my ex and I have a child together, I do not see where that would obligate me to invite him to my wedding. And the idea of inviting the ex because it's an occasion where the child gets dressed up and participates in something is ridiculous. It's a wedding, not a dance recital.

MW5280

Yeah...there's no way FI's ex-wife is coming to our wedding. The kids may be at the height of adorable age-wise (5 & 8) but...no.

She can see a picture of the cuteness later.

Crossmyheartxoxo

i think you could totayllly tell her nevermind. it is not rude and she is rude for thinking that she could come to her exs wedding at all

Jen4948

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

i think you could totayllly tell her nevermind. it is not rude and she is rude for thinking that she could come to her exs wedding at all

No, the OP can't do that.  Retracting an invitation after one is extended, even on Facebook and even to one's FI's ex, is rude.

But the only reason the ex should get an invitation is because the OP, however inadvertently, did extend an invitation on Facebook.  The ex is not entitled to an invitation simply because she is the mother of the OP's FI's child.  That does not score her an automatic invitation to any subsequent wedding of the OP's FI.

HisGirlFriday13

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

i think you could totayllly tell her nevermind. it is not rude and she is rude for thinking that she could come to her exs wedding at all

Please, please, please -- lurk before you start posting. Assuming, for the sake of argument (and I'm bored) that you're NOT making up all your drama, you REALLY need to lurk a little before you post.

If you had, we wouldn't have had the shitstorm you started about back-up BMs, and you wouldn't be on the ETIQUETTE BOARD saying it's OK to disinvite someone (which is what it's called when you issue a verbal invitation and then fail to follow it up with a written one.)

You joined TK May 22 -- all of FIVE DAYS ago. Lurk a little longer, please.