Jealous BFF also over 40 and not engaged nor married

spinningivy

I announced my engagement on the 21st. We've spoken twice and she has not even once asked me about the propsal, my plans anything. She's discussed everything but.....

Everyone else in my life not as close...asked how they could help. They wanted details. etc.  I'm angry but able to move on with this occasion without her input or help.  Should she ask me why she was not included I am going to say, "Because you didn't seem interested and I wan't going to break my neck when you as a friend should have asked how you could support me!!"

I'm fuming but with thought about my new life it's getting easier.

Thoughts?? Does anyone Relate??

NYCMercedes

spinningivy said:

I announced my engagement on the 21st. We've spoken twice and she has not even once asked me about the propsal, my plans anything. She's discussed everything but.....

Everyone else in my life not as close...asked how they could help. They wanted details. etc.  I'm angry but able to move on with this occasion without her input or help.  Should she ask me why she was not included I am going to say, "Because you didn't seem interested and I wan't going to break my neck when you as a friend should have asked how you could support me!!"

I'm fuming but with thought about my new life it's getting easier.

Thoughts?? Does anyone Relate??

Agree she should ask you one question about your engagement, but don't agree about the necessity of offering support or help.

cncanderson2014

As a BFF, I think that is the first thing I would ask and have asked. If it were just a friend, I would only congratulate, but normally as a BFF, you would think you are going to be a huge part of the wedding and step up to offer your help and be ultra excited for your friend. Just a thought, but maybe she's waiting on asking you to be a part of it? She doesn't want to assume you'll ask her to be the MOH or any part of the wedding party, so she's just waiting to be asked. That's totally normal too. I would ask her if she would want to be a part of the planning process. Maybe you can find out what it is she may be upset about? Has she acted this way before?

dalm0m

None of my childhood friends -- some married others not -- asked anything about my wedding & it broke my heart.  I was so happy & excited & didn't understand why they were not gushing for me. 

Don't cut her out of your life because you aren't thrilled by her reaction to your big news.  You don't know if she doesn't like weddings or if this is cutting her to the core.  If she's discussing things when you bring them up, she's being polite & probably trying to do the best she can. 

Find a way to forgive her (without saying as much)

hutchsl

Agree with PP. As we get older we are excited about our weddings but others our age do not get as excited as they did when most of our age were getting married. Only my sister came to my wedding (not my mom as she is in her 80's, not either of my brothers). I just had to deal with lack of family/friend excitement. Only one of my friends whose weddings i was in (I was in 8) attended my wedding. Be the bigger person and don't cut her out just because of her initial response. Talk to her.

RhnCasi419

Yup same here.  Apparently I am not alone.  I got the same treatment from one of my life-long best friends (friends since we were 14 we are now 47).  She's never been married, although came extremely close.  So close that when we were in our 20's she turned back after having a wedding shwer and sending out invites, she had a change of heart and myself, and one other bridesmaid on her behalf, called each and every one of her invites to tell them the wedding had been canceled!  Yes, we did this in our 20's.  Since then she has had bad relationship over and over, bitter now.  Now in a relationship that isn't as good as mine and she is jealous of this. It really hurts. She has no interest in discussing anything wedding related.  I've made it a point to tell her I would love to have her in my bridal party but I would also understand if she just wanted to be a guest.  I try to be laid back about it.  Obviously, she just isn't into wedding things and I TRY not to take it personally from her.  My other best friend for life (since we were 15) is genuinely ecstatic for me/us.  Very involved, and loves to talk about wedding related things, the person who told me I deserve a wedding, would be sad for me if I didn't get have one, loves us as a couple, not jealous of it even when she went through a divorce this past year.  I am lucky I have her in a friend.  People like these are rare.  I guess be happy for you and your husband to be.  And anyone else who wants to join you for the ride in your happiness welcome them and be grateful for them.  The others, we have to try not to take is personally.  At least that is how I try to deal with it.. In other words, no one is going to take away my happiness. 

Resibaby

RhnCasi419 said:

Yup same here.  Apparently I am not alone.  I got the same treatment from one of my life-long best friends (friends since we were 14 we are now 47).  She's never been married, although came extremely close.  So close that when we were in our 20's she turned back after having a wedding shwer and sending out invites, she had a change of heart and myself, and one other bridesmaid on her behalf, called each and every one of her invites to tell them the wedding had been canceled!  Yes, we did this in our 20's.  Since then she has had bad relationship over and over, bitter now.  Now in a relationship that isn't as good as mine and she is jealous of this. It really hurts. She has no interest in discussing anything wedding related.  I've made it a point to tell her I would love to have her in my bridal party but I would also understand if she just wanted to be a guest.  I try to be laid back about it.  Obviously, she just isn't into wedding things and I TRY not to take it personally from her.  My other best friend for life (since we were 15) is genuinely ecstatic for me/us.  Very involved, and loves to talk about wedding related things, the person who told me I deserve a wedding, would be sad for me if I didn't get have one, loves us as a couple, not jealous of it even when she went through a divorce this past year.  I am lucky I have her in a friend.  People like these are rare.  I guess be happy for you and your husband to be.  And anyone else who wants to join you for the ride in your happiness welcome them and be grateful for them.  The others, we have to try not to take is personally.  At least that is how I try to deal with it.. In other words, no one is going to take away my happiness. 

Am I suppose to feel sorry for you or your friend?  You and the other women who posted in this thread are about to make "the hail Mary pass" of womanhood... marriage after 40!  

That is impressive, especially if this is your first marriage, unless your groom is 80 years old! Because every year after age 35, the chances get smaller and smaller and men your own age start looking for women 10 years younger (even though you look younger than the men!)   But you know this!

You don't need your friends permission to get married, you need the permission of the guy you're dating!  That's why you are getting married and she isn't.

The divorced friend can probably be happy for you because at least she had her turn.  

 It sounds like your single friend has been through the wringer.  It was brave of her to call off her wedding in her 20's but it looks like she didn't change the type of men she was dating, and as she got older became scared to let go of any guy out of fear of when she called off her wedding.

Look at a picture of yourself from when you were a happy little girl.  Pretend you are telling that little girl that she may NEVER get married.  That's what it is like for your friend.  Give her time and she might start to come around.

I think that older brides need to reevaluate the wedding expectations they had when they were younger and be willing to change them for the circumstances they have now.   There are a lot of great venues that cater to smaller weddings if you look for them.

mimivac

Resibaby said:

Am I suppose to feel sorry for you or your friend?  You and the other women who posted in this thread are about to make "the hail Mary pass" of womanhood... marriage after 40!  

That is impressive, especially if this is your first marriage, unless your groom is 80 years old! Because every year after age 35, the chances get smaller and smaller and men your own age start looking for women 10 years younger (even though you look younger than the men!)   But you know this!

....

 

I think that older brides need to reevaluate the wedding expectations they had when they were younger and be willing to change them for the circumstances they have now.   There are a lot of great venues that cater to smaller weddings if you look for them.

I have not found this to be true at all. I got divorced at 37 and started dating the following year. I had no trouble and neither did any other woman I know who is dating in her late 30's, 40's and beyond. This idea that it's over for a woman after 35 is highly exaggerated. I'm in a great relationship now at age 40 with a man who is 41. He was not looking for a woman 10 years younger. My single friends in their 40's have no trouble finding dates, and I recently went to my boyfriend's sister's wedding. She is 47. First wedding. Her bride was not 80, but 42.

And why should an older bride look for a smaller venue? My first wedding in my 20's was tiny. If I get married to my boyfriend, I would want a bigger wedding, and I would hope no one would deride me because I am in my 40's.

Resibaby

mimivac said:

Resibaby said:

Am I suppose to feel sorry for you or your friend?  You and the other women who posted in this thread are about to make "the hail Mary pass" of womanhood... marriage after 40!  

That is impressive, especially if this is your first marriage, unless your groom is 80 years old! Because every year after age 35, the chances get smaller and smaller and men your own age start looking for women 10 years younger (even though you look younger than the men!)   But you know this!

....

 

I think that older brides need to reevaluate the wedding expectations they had when they were younger and be willing to change them for the circumstances they have now.   There are a lot of great venues that cater to smaller weddings if you look for them.

I have not found this to be true at all. I got divorced at 37 and started dating the following year. I had no trouble and neither did any other woman I know who is dating in her late 30's, 40's and beyond. This idea that it's over for a woman after 35 is highly exaggerated. I'm in a great relationship now at age 40 with a man who is 41. He was not looking for a woman 10 years younger. My single friends in their 40's have no trouble finding dates, and I recently went to my boyfriend's sister's wedding. She is 47. First wedding. Her bride was not 80, but 42.

And why should an older bride look for a smaller venue? My first wedding in my 20's was tiny. If I get married to my boyfriend, I would want a bigger wedding, and I would hope no one would deride me because I am in my 40's.

That's great that you and the women in your circle are enjoying romantic success with men in your age group.  But it's not the standard.

Get on a large dating website like match.com and see for yourself what the majority of guys in your age group a going for.   These dating sites are almost like a census, if you see enough profiles you start to see the statistical implications of what the majority of the members prefer.

 When I was on a dating site in my late 30's it seemed like every guy on the site that was in his 50's was trying to get a hold of me the week of Valentines day. Guys in their 40's aren't quite that needy, but they are starting to pull back towards women in their late 20's.

You've been married once?  You probably aren't as needy as a women who has spent 20 plus years on the dating scene and still hasn't experienced what most of us view as a natural part of becoming an adult,  getting married.   That's why I say it's so impressive for a FIRST TIME married woman who is 40 or over.  She's been through the dating wringer and the pressure is huge.

As far as the small weddings, I was speaking to the women who were saying that people aren't as excited for their wedding or doesn't want to participate because everyone has gotten older or is over wedding mania, etc...

I live not far from Las Vegas where despite the cheesy wedding reputation, there are a lot of elegant options for small weddings that may not be available in many areas because the standard is a 200 guest wedding...

So when my turn came around I was like "lets go to Vegas"!  I can have my wedding at Mandalay Bay, I can have only 1 bridesmaid if no one else wants to participate, I can have just 25 guests if that's all that want to come and we can still do a dinner reception.  And the smallness didn't look strange because that is what Vegas wedding culture is like. 

greatdayforawhitewedding

Yeah, re the earlier post: "I think that older brides need to reevaluate the wedding expectations they had when they were younger and be willing to change them for the circumstances they have now" and "You've been married once?  You probably aren't as needy as a women who has spent 20 plus years on the dating scene and still hasn't experienced what most of us view as a natural part of becoming an adult,  getting married"

Huh? Maybe gain the perspective of women in their 30's and 40's and how they feel with the life experience they have gathered. I think you would find they are far more self assured and confident of their desirability and meeting great men than your comments seem to suggest. My fiance' is the same age as me, as well. Why shouldn't a woman who is not 20 create the wedding of her dreams, big or small, it isn't, after all, about 'circumstances', it's about life and your dreams coming true. Or must she settle because judgemental society experts think she should adjust her expectations. Give me a break. Also, one might consider that women who married the first guy they dated seriously rather than building their career and gaining their own independence and sense of self and getting to know a broader spectrum of men could arguably be the 'needier' ones. Yikes.

[Deleted User]

My feeling is that a real best friend would be happy for you and would want to help with whatever they could, but maybe she's just letting her emotions take over. 

Resibaby

greatdayforawhitewedding said:

Yeah, re the earlier post: "I think that older brides need to reevaluate the wedding expectations they had when they were younger and be willing to change them for the circumstances they have now" and "You've been married once?  You probably aren't as needy as a women who has spent 20 plus years on the dating scene and still hasn't experienced what most of us view as a natural part of becoming an adult,  getting married"

Huh? Maybe gain the perspective of women in their 30's and 40's and how they feel with the life experience they have gathered. I think you would find they are far more self assured and confident of their desirability and meeting great men than your comments seem to suggest. My fiance' is the same age as me, as well. Why shouldn't a woman who is not 20 create the wedding of her dreams, big or small, it isn't, after all, about 'circumstances', it's about life and your dreams coming true. Or must she settle because judgemental society experts think she should adjust her expectations. Give me a break. Also, one might consider that women who married the first guy they dated seriously rather than building their career and gaining their own independence and sense of self and getting to know a broader spectrum of men could arguably be the 'needier' ones. Yikes.

Ok, I'm going to say this one more time because none of you are understanding what a meant...

I meant that IF IF IF you aren't getting the participation you wanted from your family and friends for your wedding MAYBE it is time to readjust your priorities so you can still have a pleasant wedding.

I'm NOT saying older brides can't have what they want.

I do side with the other people who made comments here. I think family and friends need to realize that a wedding is not just a right of passage for young adults, it's a ritual of solidifying a loving relationship for a couple of any age group.  The family and friends should be enthusiastic. 

But I think some are stuck in that "if I was a bride at age 25" mentality and it's passed the rest of our age group by.

When your girlfriends got married in their 20's they were acting out childhood fantasies.   You grow out of that by the time you are in your 40's. 

And frankly, when your friends were younger they probably eagerly participated in each other's weddings because they didn't want to end up with no bridesmaids and no help when it was their turn.