I'm going to have an aunt that is 14 years younger than me.

climbingsingle

I've posted here about this before. My uncle is 42. His girlfriend is 20. They have been dating since February. She doesn't work and she doesn't go to school. She has no desire to do either. She just emailed me to tell me that they're engaged. 

I'm trying to muster up some happiness for them. I did email her back and told her "Congrats!" but I just don't see this ending well. But there's nothing I can do. 

HisGirlFriday13

Oh, dear God. It's way too early on what is essentially a Monday morning for that level of WTF-ness.

climbingsingle

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Oh, dear God. It's way too early on what is essentially a Monday morning for that level of WTF-ness.

RIGHT!?!?!?! Bring me all the wine!!! 

MamaAlly89

That's messed up. I think you might need something stronger than wine to handle this one!

 

HisGirlFriday13

RebeccaFlower

Eeeek. H & I were just talking about age differences. What do you all think is acceptable? 

I think 5+ years is okay after you're like 22+ and out of college and working. For me, I think it more about life experience and less about age. 

HisGirlFriday13

I think it depends on age, stage, and maturity.

Five years wouldn't bother me from 21 to 26, but I'd side-eye it from 16 to 21, KWIM?

I have a friend whose ex-wife is 15 years older than he is. He was 22 and she was 37 when they got married -- no big deal except SHE HAD BEEN HIS COLLEGE PROFESSOR.

I also think that the larger the gap the more likely you are to have physiological differences -- if you're 22 and your SO is 62, you're on very, very different playing fields in terms of physical capabilities, and that could lead to problems.

theartistformerlyknownas

RebeccaFlower said:

Eeeek. H & I were just talking about age differences. What do you all think is acceptable? 

I think 5+ years is okay after you're like 22+ and out of college and working. For me, I think it more about life experience and less about age. 

Half your age +7 is the unofficial rule.

Really though, I think within about 20% of your age. If you're 20, that's +/- 4. If you're 80, it's +/- 16. (Note: only applies when both parties are of legal age.)

climbingsingle

I also agree it's about life experiences. If she was 20 and in college (or working) and living on her own and was mature, I wouldn't be as bothered by it. But she seems extremely immature. She moved from her mom's house to living with my uncle. She graduated HS two years ago and has seemingly done nothing in that time. 

There is a 7 year age difference between me and FI - I'm 33 and he's 40. Actually, not one person had said anything about our age difference. But I've been living on my own since I was 20 and I'm a pretty established person. 

wandajune6

I've always heard half your age + 7 as well - but mostly tongue in cheek!

This is an experience and stage of life issue to me. At 20, most of us haven't had anywhere near the life experience as a 40-something. We're also usually looking for something different out of life or a relationship at that point in time. Heck, you don't even share the same cultural references with that big of a gap!

I think most of us get that icky feeling because it feels exploitative - but with both exploiting the other!

beachyone15

I think what bothers me most is that she isn't even 21??! Yeesh!

JCbride2015

Fi and I have a 2.5 year age difference.  It never seemed big to us because I was pretty much born 35 years old.  But we met in high school at 15/17, then he turned 18 and it was a bit weird for a while.  But once I hit college it never seemed like an issue again.  Now we tend to forget that we have any age difference at all, especially because my career has progressed a lot further than most of our older friends'.

My grandpa (actually my step-grandpa) and my grandma had a 22-year age difference and they had a great marriage.  She was in her mid-40s when they married and he was somewhere in his 60s.  I was born after they were married and he was hands-down my favorite grandparent.  But sadly he passed away at age 74, leaving a widow who was only 52.  It was just a fact of the age difference that he became old and sick far earlier than she did.  

So, I will judge a major age difference (like 5+ years) if the younger party is under 21 because you are just barely even an adult at that point.  But after both people are established adults, I think it matters much more whether you're on an even playing field based on intellect and experience.  20 years wouldn't bother me if both parties are working, independent adults.

I side-eye hard at your uncle and his new Fi, Climbing.  That's definitely a case where they seem not to be on an even playing field.  Ick!

Jells2dot0

Even though my DH and I are 17 years apart in age, I'd side eye this situation. Since she is so young and immature, there is certainly a strong chance it will not last.

smalfrie19

Ok, sticking in my two cents. My FI is 37 and I am 23. We started dating just before I turned 21. Yeah on paper its a bit weird. I mean lets get real, he's closer to my mother's age ( 43 in Oct) than mine. But it works.

Now do I side eye her not working and using him ...yeah. But age differences just don't bother me I guess.

climbingsingle

I'm just...ugh. I can't believe this girl is going to be my aunt. I get a bad vibe from her. They came to my mom and dad's for Easter and I couldn't stand to be in the same room as her. She seems like a 16 year old kid. 

At her age, I was living on my own, going to college AND working full time. She seems perfectly happy mooching off my uncle. 

climbingsingle

I forgot to add - the first time I met her was at a funeral for a family member. After dinner, I had invited her and my uncle over to our house. I really did want to get to know her at first. They showed up THREE HOURS LATE with some ridiculous excuse. The whole thing was just weird. She kept telling me they were on their way, yet what should have taken 30 minutes took three hours. 

Maggie0829

smalfrie19 said:

Ok, sticking in my two cents. My FI is 37 and I am 23. We started dating just before I turned 21. Yeah on paper its a bit weird. I mean lets get real, he's closer to my mother's age ( 43 in Oct) than mine. But it works.

Now do I side eye her not working and using him ...yeah. But age differences just don't bother me I guess.

Now we shouldn't assume that she is using him.  He may be perfectly content to have a SAHW who he provides for.

But in regards to the age difference that is a big one.  I just don't think that there is any 20 year old that is mature enough (whether educated/working or not) to be in a relationship with someone 20+ years older.  There is a lot of life experiences and learning and growing that needs to be done in your 20s.  But then again we have no way of knowing the man's 'maturity' level in all of this either.  He could be like my H's Uncle who thinks at 52 he is hot shit and hits on 18 year olds at bars and acts like he is still in college.

smalfrie19

Maggie0829 said:

smalfrie19 said:

Ok, sticking in my two cents. My FI is 37 and I am 23. We started dating just before I turned 21. Yeah on paper its a bit weird. I mean lets get real, he's closer to my mother's age ( 43 in Oct) than mine. But it works.

Now do I side eye her not working and using him ...yeah. But age differences just don't bother me I guess.

Now we shouldn't assume that she is using him.  He may be perfectly content to have a SAHW who he provides for.

But in regards to the age difference that is a big one.  I just don't think that there is any 20 year old that is mature enough (whether educated/working or not) to be in a relationship with someone 20+ years older.  There is a lot of life experiences and learning and growing that needs to be done in your 20s.  But then again we have no way of knowing the man's 'maturity' level in all of this either.  He could be like my H's Uncle who thinks at 52 he is hot shit and hits on 18 year olds at bars and acts like he is still in college.

You are right. That is true.

Maggie0829

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I'm just...ugh. I can't believe this girl is going to be my aunt. I get a bad vibe from her. They came to my mom and dad's for Easter and I couldn't stand to be in the same room as her. She seems like a 16 year old kid. 

At her age, I was living on my own, going to college AND working full time. She seems perfectly happy mooching off my uncle. 

What is your Uncle like?  You keep talking smack about his GF but how "mature" is your Uncle?

emmyg65

I don't care as long as both parties are over 25. I've found that to be a pretty pivotal year as far as maturity goes. Which is not to say there aren't people who are more mature earlier. Just my general guideline.

FWIW, I'm 29 and DH is 48. We started dating when we were 27/46. We're both mature adults (each had a car, apartment, and career when we met) who happened together by chance. We both had some qualms about the age difference initially, but realized that in our case, it just isn't a big deal. Our experience has made me a lot less judgmental about age differences.

phira

Like most people here, I tend to be more concerned about relationships with big age differences when one person is very young. So I'll be more concerned about a 20-year-old and a 30-year-old than I would be about a 30-year-old and a 40-year-old. I also tend to be concerned when the person who's a lot younger is a woman.

sophhabobopha

And I agree with PPs that it's more about maturity.

FiancB

I have no doubt this is a big shit show, and it's always weird, but it sounds to me like they are both getting what they want. She wants to sit around and mooch, he wants someone young and (presumably) attractive that won't argue with him a whole lot. It's vapid and not something I'd want, but hey... sounds like a pretty good arrangement for them. He is using her just as much if not more. I'm assuming he is not an idiot and is aware that she mostly sees him as a ticket to easy street.

climbingsingle

Maggie0829 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I'm just...ugh. I can't believe this girl is going to be my aunt. I get a bad vibe from her. They came to my mom and dad's for Easter and I couldn't stand to be in the same room as her. She seems like a 16 year old kid. 

At her age, I was living on my own, going to college AND working full time. She seems perfectly happy mooching off my uncle. 

What is your Uncle like?  You keep talking smack about his GF but how "mature" is your Uncle?

My uncle is a very mature 42. He's a very hard worker and has been for all his life. He owns multiple properties and works in a union. He was previously married for 10 years - his wife left him about 2 years ago. 

Fairyjen1

There's a 7 year age gap between Fi and I. I'm the elder. If anyone wants to side-eye it, too bad, it's not their relationship. Fi is okay with it so to hell with everyone else!

sophhabobopha

My uncle (who is 16 years older than me) a few years back dated a girl a couple of years older than me, which made her 21. 

beethery

Oh lawd jesus. Do you know how they met? Like THE REAL STORY? Bc sometimes people will not say if they met online. That is my only question.

That said,

OnceUponAVine

BF & I are 8 years apart (I'm 25, he's 33) and while we don't get side-eyed over the age difference its definitely more noticeable when we're hanging out as a couple with our group of friends. He and his friends grew up in the 80's, are well-established in their careers, the majority are married, they own houses, most have or are having children. My friends and I grew up in the 90's, are finishing our degrees/still starting out our careers, we just had our 2nd wedding in our core group of friends, only 1 of us has a child - most are pretty up in the air on kids. It can be an odd dynamic sometime - and the funniest conversations usually happen after pop-culture references!

Maggie0829

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Maggie0829 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I'm just...ugh. I can't believe this girl is going to be my aunt. I get a bad vibe from her. They came to my mom and dad's for Easter and I couldn't stand to be in the same room as her. She seems like a 16 year old kid. 

At her age, I was living on my own, going to college AND working full time. She seems perfectly happy mooching off my uncle. 

What is your Uncle like?  You keep talking smack about his GF but how "mature" is your Uncle?

My uncle is a very mature 42. He's a very hard worker and has been for all his life. He owns multiple properties and works in a union. He was previously married for 10 years - his wife left him about 2 years ago. 

Well he may be mature in the work area but maybe not in the relationship area. He may be having a mid life crisis. He may want something completely different then his last marriage. He may be completely in love with her and she with him and that is why they are getting married. And in the end, no matter his reasoning with being with her and she with him, if they are both fine with the arrangement then there really shouldn't be an issue. Until you or anyone else may know differently, like you know for a fact that she is using him for his money and he has no clue, then you just have to accept the relationship even if the age difference is pretty darn large.

climbingsingle

beethery said:

Oh lawd jesus. Do you know how they met? Like THE REAL STORY? Bc sometimes people will not say if they met online. That is my only question.

That said,

He met her through her parents. My FI actually knows her dad too, from back in the day. 

phira

sophhabobopha said:

And I agree with PPs that it's more about maturity.

Unrelated to everything except for your post--what is this witchcraft?!!