im having trouble picking my wedding party

Crossmyheartxoxo

hello. this is my first post and i am not sure where to put it so i hope this is an ok place to start everything. my fiance and i got engagged a couple of months ago and we are getting married 01/24/15. when should i pick my bridesmades? i am thinking that i want ot ask my sister, his two sisters, my best friend from middle school, my friend from work, my four cousins and then maybe i will ask this girl that i recently met and started hanging out with more. i guyess i am wondering who should be my made of honor and when should i pick out there dresses? is there a creative way that you have seen to ask people to be in your wedding poarty? thanks

sarawifenow

I'm sorry but I am having a hard time reading your post, so I hope that I am getting everything correctly.

 

You should pick your wedding party based on who you feel the closest to. My thought process was that I would only include people that would help me bury a body. Kidding!

 

Also, 10 girls seems a bit much to me. It is completely up to you, though. That is just a matter of opinion.

 

I would ask them in person or at least over a phone call. I think most people find poems and such to be annoying.

 

ETF:math

manateehugger

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

hello. this is my first post and i am not sure where to put it so i hope this is an ok place to start everything. my fiance and i got engagged a couple of months ago and we are getting married 01/24/15. when should i pick my bridesmades? i am thinking that i want ot ask my sister, his two sisters, my best friend from middle school, my friend from work, my four cousins and then maybe i will ask this girl that i recently met and started hanging out with more. i guyess i am wondering who should be my made of honor and when should i pick out there dresses? is there a creative way that you have seen to ask people to be in your wedding poarty? thanks

Stuck in the Box

So, I think you're find to go ahead and ask your wedding party. I personally would not ask a new friend because new friendships can be fragile. You could ask that friend to be a reader a few months out from the wedding if your friendship continues. I also would not ask his sisters unless you are close to them; that can make for a lot of awkwardness. Also, you listed ten people - which is a lot of bridesmaids. Make sure you can afford to have that many bridesmaids in the wedding you want (bouquets, potentially 20 people on your side alone at the rehearsal dinner, gifts, accessories, etc.).

Your wedding party should be the friends you are closest to (people here will tell you they are the people you call to help you hide a dead body). For me, MOH should be an obvious choice for most people and if it's not, there shouldn't be a MOH. I have two big sisters and two very close friends. I didn't instinctively lean toward one of them, so I just didn't pick, so no MOH for me. 

Dresses will depend upon the designer, but the usual time range is to order 4-6 months out. David's Bridal can do dresses a little more quickly than that I believe. 

As for creative ways to ask, I wrote letters. Simple and heartfelt usually works. Save your time and efforts for bang-up bridesmaid gifts to hand them right before the wedding. 

HisGirlFriday13

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

hello. this is my first post and i am not sure where to put it so i hope this is an ok place to start everything. my fiance and i got engagged a couple of months ago and we are getting married 01/24/15. when should i pick my bridesmades? i am thinking that i want ot ask my sister, his two sisters, my best friend from middle school, my friend from work, my four cousins and then maybe i will ask this girl that i recently met and started hanging out with more. i guyess i am wondering who should be my made of honor and when should i pick out there dresses? is there a creative way that you have seen to ask people to be in your wedding poarty? thanks

First of all, congrats and happy planning!

Second of all, by my count, your list gives you nine or 10 BMs, which is a LOT -- remember that you're going to need flowers and thank-you gifts for all of them. Also, if you choose anything specific other than the dress -- shoes, jewellery, shawls, whatever -- you will have to pay for them.

Third, you should only ask people you're genuinely close to. The general rule of thumb is, 'Ask people you'd call at 3 a.m. to help you hide a body.' That doesn't take into account family dynamics, and while etiquette says you get to choose whomever you want, there are other factors that might dictate asking someone for the sake of keeping the peace.

Fourth, if your FI wants his sisters in the WP, they can certainly stand up on his side, and don't have to stand up on yours.

You should ask people about 10 months or so before your wedding -- so if you're getting married in January, it's not too soon to ask them.

Your maid of honour, if you choose to have one, should be the person you are absolutely closest to. You may have more than one, or none at all.

Sides don't have to be even, so if your FI has 10 people, that's fine, but you don't have to have 10 people to match his 10 people.

You should pick their dresses only after you have privately asked each girl her budget and modesty level, and then you pick a dress at or below that price point and modesty range.

Dresses do not have to match, and often look better if there is a commonality such as colour but differences in shades or fabrics.

As far as asking them, I know some brides on here have done cutesy or creative ways, but I just straight-up asked my three BMs, 'Will you be my bridesmaid?' 

chibiyui

You can ask pretty much at any time now, but I would wait to start asking until your certain of who you want in the wedding party. Don't ask 5 girls now and then ask another 3 in 4 months. Ask everyone around the same time.  

You should pick only people you are close too. The who-would-I-call-to-help-bury-a-body test is a pretty good one. Do not feel obligated to ask family members of any kind. There is no rule that you must include his sister, your sister, or your 5th cousin once removed. If you would call your 5th cousin once removed to help bury a dead body, then you ask, not just because she's your cousin. 

Skip the poems. You don't need to do anything cutsey to ask your bridesmaids. Ask them individually as well, so that no one feels any unnecessary pressure. I asked some of mine over facebook messages, but that's how we primairly communicate. 

Jen4948

We usually advise choosing wedding party members about 6 to 8 months before the wedding (that's also the right time frame for sending invitations), so I think that you can go ahead and ask the people you choose now.

When it comes to who to ask, we do suggest that 1) the person be someone you're really close to, 2) the person be someone whose support you can count on in the sense that they are fully behind the union of you and your FI, and 3) that you don't choose someone like a relative or someone whose wedding you were in simply to avoid potential hurt feelings.  There are many horror stories of people who asked others solely to avoid someone's feelings getting hurt, only to have their own hurt because the people in question behaved rudely and/or inconsiderately and could not be politely asked to step down from the wedding party (which is seen as a relationship killer).

With the exception of pregnant wedding party members, I would choose dresses somewhere between 4 to 6 months before the wedding to allow for time to order the dresses and have any alterations done.  Should anyone you ask be pregnant, then you need to wait until closer to the wedding because they won't know what will fit until then-maybe about 2 months or so on the outside.

Crossmyheartxoxo

i kknow it seems like a lot of people but i am not too worried about it. i am going to have them buy there own dresses and shoes and will probably have them pay for there hair and makeup so all that i will have to worry about is there flowers and presents. would it be bad if i asked some of them to be back up bridesmads incase something happens with the otheres? then i wouldnt have so many in therre

manateehugger

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

i kknow it seems like a lot of people but i am not too worried about it. i am going to have them buy there own dresses and shoes and will probably have them pay for there hair and makeup so all that i will have to worry about is there flowers and presents. would it be bad if i asked some of them to be back up bridesmads incase something happens with the otheres? then i wouldnt have so many in therre

If you are requiring hair and makeup to be professionally done, you must be the one to pay for it. I also personally think if you require any sort of updo, you should shell out for it; a nice updo is hard for many to do themselves. 

Flowers can add up incredibly quickly. Depending on your bouquets, that's hundreds of extra dollars. If you do not have a florist with a bouquet quoted, do not blow this expense off (unless your budget is highly flexible).

And NO, you do not get "backup bridesmaids" - these are supposed to be your friends, not wedding props. If someone doesn't accept or drops out, you are down one bridesmaid and that's it. Replacing them is cruel and shallow - rude to the girl who dropped out ( "you're replaceable") and to the replacement ( "you're only good enough to be a bridesmaid as a b-stringer" )

Maggie0829

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

i kknow it seems like a lot of people but i am not too worried about it. i am going to have them buy there own dresses and shoes and will probably have them pay for there hair and makeup so all that i will have to worry about is there flowers and presents. would it be bad if i asked some of them to be back up bridesmads incase something happens with the otheres? then i wouldnt have so many in therre

Are you requiring certain shoes?  Are you requiring that they get their hair and makeup done?  If so, YOU have to pay for that, not them.  If you say "buy any black shoe" and you give the option of getting hair and makeup done professionally then that cost falls on them.  Just make sure you know the difference.

And having back-up bridesmaids is an incredibly rude thing to do.  Not only are you sending the message to your first choice BMs that they are easily replaceable you are also telling your second choice/back-up bridesmaids that you really only need them to fill in a spot if necessary.

HisGirlFriday13

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

i kknow it seems like a lot of people but i am not too worried about it. i am going to have them buy there own dresses and shoes and will probably have them pay for there hair and makeup so all that i will have to worry about is there flowers and presents. would it be bad if i asked some of them to be back up bridesmads incase something happens with the otheres? then i wouldnt have so many in therre

1. No. If you're demanding that they get hair and make-up professionally done, YOU are paying for it, not them.

2. Yes. It would be horribly rude, insulting, and tacky to ask some of them to be 'back-up' BMs. You pick the people you want regardless of numbers or sides being even. You're not casting roles in a play, you're picking your wedding party. Pick who you want, and do it all in one round, and then be done with it.

Seriously?

'Friend, I like you. Not as much as I like this other friend, and she's my A-list bridesmaid, but if something happens to her -- like she gets too fat or she's not my bride-slave enough or whatever -- then you can be my B-list bridesmaid. How does that sound?'

How do you THINK that would go over?

chibiyui

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

i kknow it seems like a lot of people but i am not too worried about it. i am going to have them buy there own dresses and shoes and will probably have them pay for there hair and makeup so all that i will have to worry about is there flowers and presents. would it be bad if i asked some of them to be back up bridesmads incase something happens with the otheres? then i wouldnt have so many in therre

Yeah, Let them wear shoes they already own, or something basic like any shoe in a neutral. I'd be a bit upset if i was asked to buy fuchsia stripper heels for a wedding. If you are requiring hair and makeup to be done, or be done a certain way, you really should pay for it. 

You do not have back up bridesmaids. It's insulting to the back up that they didn't make the cut, and it's insulting to the original BM that she is replacable. 

sarawifenow

Wait, so you want to B-list your bridesmaids? Please don't do this. It is so rude.

Crossmyheartxoxo

wow you guys are rude

sarawifenow

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

wow you guys are rude

What? No one was rude.

manateehugger

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

wow you guys are rude

No one was rude. We are, however, a bit outraged at the idea that bridesmaids are replaceable. Otherwise, everyone is just trying to hand you advice to be a good bride and good friend to your bridesmaids. 

Maggie0829

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

wow you guys are rude

How?  Really, how the hell are we rude?  You asked a question.  We told you that having 'back-up BMs' is probably not the best idea because it could be very offensive to your nearest and dearest. Please, point out where any of us were rude because I really would like to an example.

sarawifenow

@crossmyhearxoxo, FYI, a lot of us post regularly on the etiquette board, so you are not going to get different answers.

jneen101

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

wow you guys are rude

Wait.  Who was rude?  Can someone show me where anyone was rude?  Besides you, I mean, because you would be rude to have back up bridesmaids. 

VulgarGirl

chibiyui said:

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

i kknow it seems like a lot of people but i am not too worried about it. i am going to have them buy there own dresses and shoes and will probably have them pay for there hair and makeup so all that i will have to worry about is there flowers and presents. would it be bad if i asked some of them to be back up bridesmads incase something happens with the otheres? then i wouldnt have so many in therre

Yeah, Let them wear shoes they already own, or something basic like any shoe in a neutral. I'd be a bit upset if i was asked to buy fuchsia stripper heels for a wedding. If you are requiring hair and makeup to be done, or be done a certain way, you really should pay for it. 

You do not have back up bridesmaids. It's insulting to the back up that they didn't make the cut, and it's insulting to the original BM that she is replacable. 

I may or may not own fuchsia stripper heels that you can totally borrow if you ever need them for a wedding.

Crossmyheartxoxo

i dont appreciate the reference to strippers on my thread take that trash somewhere else

sarawifenow

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

i dont appreciate the reference to strippers on my thread take that trash somewhere else

hahahahahaha

chibiyui

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

i dont appreciate the reference to strippers on my thread take that trash somewhere else

I apologize for the stripper heel joke. I own a pair of stripper heels, but they are black and much more versatile then fuchsia.

That said, I love shoes, but if someone wants me to wear a pair of shoes, not to my taste for their wedding, I'd appreciate the bride paying for them. I did for my bridesmaids.

chibiyui

MagicInk said:

chibiyui said:

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

i kknow it seems like a lot of people but i am not too worried about it. i am going to have them buy there own dresses and shoes and will probably have them pay for there hair and makeup so all that i will have to worry about is there flowers and presents. would it be bad if i asked some of them to be back up bridesmads incase something happens with the otheres? then i wouldnt have so many in therre

Yeah, Let them wear shoes they already own, or something basic like any shoe in a neutral. I'd be a bit upset if i was asked to buy fuchsia stripper heels for a wedding. If you are requiring hair and makeup to be done, or be done a certain way, you really should pay for it. 

You do not have back up bridesmaids. It's insulting to the back up that they didn't make the cut, and it's insulting to the original BM that she is replacable. 

I may or may not own fuchsia stripper heels that you can totally borrow if you ever need them for a wedding.

Thanks! I have a black pair, and I'd like a red pair, but fuchsia goes with nothing in my wardrobe.

Maggie0829

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

i dont appreciate the reference to strippers on my thread take that trash somewhere else

Way to insult strippers by calling them trash.

manateehugger

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

i dont appreciate the reference to strippers on my thread take that trash somewhere else

You can't be serious. An extreme examples bothers you this much? Where's Addie and her margarias?

melbelleup

Crossmyheartxoxo said:

i kknow it seems like a lot of people but i am not too worried about it. i am going to have them buy there own dresses and shoes and will probably have them pay for there hair and makeup so all that i will have to worry about is there flowers and presents. would it be bad if i asked some of them to be back up bridesmads incase something happens with the otheres? then i wouldnt have so many in therre

Stuck:

But just an FYI. I have a bridesmaid that could no longer attend my wedding due to getting a new job in TX (wedding in PA) and not being allowed time off. I am doing multi colored carnations as their bouquets to save money... one bouquet being canceled saved me $65. Say you had my florist, same flowers, that right there would be $650 for 10 girls. My total for my wedding in flowers is $931. So, if you really want 10 girls, I'd go check a florist for quotes first and see if you can afford it. Granted, I do have bomb orchids in mine which made our price go up $100 from our original.

Crossmyheartxoxo

strippers are trash dont know why you have a problem with me saying so. its my discussion

Crossmyheartxoxo

thanks for the actual advice i want to have dasies

Crossmyheartxoxo

yes i am going to be offended by stripper comments. they are hoes and no one likes hoes except for desperate people

vsgal

Now OP is trying too hard. I am convinced-definite troll.

Crossmyheartxoxo

vsgal said:

Now OP is trying too hard. I am convinced-definite troll.

you are not a nice person. just because i dont beleve in strippers makes me a troll? i feel sorry for you