Bridal Party Dress Issue

buddysmom80

So, I followed everyone's advice on here and asked my MOH and two BMs privately what their budget is for their dresses. Their response: "whatever you pick is fine." Ummm, give me a hard number guys, $500? $300? $1? "Nope, anything is fine, I'm good with whatever". Needless to say I was head-desking the situation! When I realized they weren't going to give me numbers, I thought it would be a good idea to make an appointment in June (six months out from the wedding) to try on dresses and if there was something that everyone agreed on, there would be enough time for people to get money together if they needed to and they could order dresses in November if they needed to. I couldn't figure out any other situation. FWIW, I told them that I was going to go to Alfred Angelo for BM dresses since they get $20 or $25 off the price of their dresses and the prices ranged from $99-$179 BEFORE alterations. They were okay with this.

Before I made the appointment I asked if there were any weekends that people weren't available and I was able to get everyone together for June 7th and I made the appointment. Saturday I texted everyone because I was excited and I also wanted to see if they all wanted to go and to see if they wanted to go get brunch after. I get a various number of responses back as to why they can't make it now. They ranged from TTC to craft beer festival to anniversary of FIL's death so I'm going to pull strings and say 2/3 of the excuses were valid. If I'm invited to the craft beer festival all of the excuses are valid

Now that no one can make it and I'm (as long as a lot of people during the summer)booked up until Labor Day do I 1) wait until September when I have availability in my schedule 2) pick a length, color and fabric and let them pick (even though I wanted them to match) or 3) pick a dress and tell them that's what I'm picking without them trying it on?

Maggie0829

I would look either in person (which is probably the best option so you can see what the colors look like in the different fabrics) or online at the dresses yourself. Pick your top three favorites and send them the link to each of them and tell them "when you have a chance to get to AA try them on and pick your favorite. The dress with the majority vote is the one we go with."

Jen4948

If they're all coming up with excuses no matter what date you pick, maybe that means that they're just not into being bridesmaids.

I'd look now, choose some options that work for you, and send them to your bridesmaids and let them choose.

buddysmom80

Maggie0829 said:

I would look either in person (which is probably the best option so you can see what the colors look like in the different fabrics) or online at the dresses yourself. Pick your top three favorites and send them the link to each of them and tell them "when you have a chance to get to AA try them on and pick your favorite. The dress with the majority vote is the one we go with."

I like this idea, I think I'm going to end up doing that.

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

If they're all coming up with excuses no matter what date you pick, maybe that means that they're just not into being bridesmaids.

I'd look now, choose some options that work for you, and send them to your bridesmaids and let them choose.

I think that is kind of a big leap to make.  Just because they would rather go to a beer festival or whatever else the day of the dress shopping trip doesn't mean that they don't want to be bridesmaids.  Anyways, it seemed like they all agreed on the 7th and then things came up or certain things may have slipped their minds and now they can't do that date.  But just because they are bowing out of the shopping trip doesn't sound like they don't want to be BMs.

Honestly, OP your friends sound super easy going about the dress so they may not think it is necessary that they try on dresses and will just wear whatever you like/pick out.

buddysmom80

@jen4948 I don't think they're "just not into being bridesmaids". I'm not going to say "oh sorry, that date doesn't work with you? It's MY DAY so you need to cancel your plans for a Saturday during the summer and go dress shopping with me!" It didn't work out, that's fine. Does it suck? Kind of. Are they not "into" the whole thing? Probably not. They're my friends first, bridal party members second so your comment rubbed me the wrong way.

manateehugger

I also think it's a leap. Prioritizing life over dress shopping doesn't mean that they don't want to be bridesmaids, especially since it sounds like buddysmom's life is just as busy as theirs. It does suck that they didn't get back to you sooner.

I agree with Maggie's advice. It also sounds like your friends might be the type to just bite the bridesmaid bullet and be willing to take whatever dress you throw at them. 

FWIW, three of my ladies just went on their own to try on the dresses and texted pictures to me. It worked out fine. 

Jen4948

buddysmom80 said:

@jen4948 I don't think they're "just not into being bridesmaids". I'm not going to say "oh sorry, that date doesn't work with you? It's MY DAY so you need to cancel your plans for a Saturday during the summer and go dress shopping with me!" It didn't work out, that's fine. Does it suck? Kind of. Are they not "into" the whole thing? Probably not. They're my friends first, bridal party members second so your comment rubbed me the wrong way.

Sorry about that, but if everyone has a reason for not being available to you, it does make me suspicious.  We here at TheKnot don't know you or your friends so we have no way of knowing whether or not they really do want to do it.  Good friends sometimes just aren't into being bridesmaids.

buddysmom80

Jen4948 said:

buddysmom80 said:

@jen4948 I don't think they're "just not into being bridesmaids". I'm not going to say "oh sorry, that date doesn't work with you? It's MY DAY so you need to cancel your plans for a Saturday during the summer and go dress shopping with me!" It didn't work out, that's fine. Does it suck? Kind of. Are they not "into" the whole thing? Probably not. They're my friends first, bridal party members second so your comment rubbed me the wrong way.

Sorry about that, but if everyone has a reason for not being available to you, it does make me suspicious.  We here at TheKnot don't know you or your friends so we have no way of knowing whether or not they really do want to do it.  Good friends sometimes just aren't into being bridesmaids.

FWIW It wasn't like I was getting bullshit excuses. If it was "Oh, I can't go I'm waiting for the paint on my nails to dry" or "I'm going to count all the gravel stones in my driveway" then yeah, I'd be side-eyeing it too. Their excuses for the most part are completely valid. I'm not one of these speciul snowflekes that come on here, I'm a reg, I know how it is, you put your judgy pants on a little too fast and I know I'm right because other posters agreed that what you said was a little harsh.

Jen4948

buddysmom80 said:

Jen4948 said:

buddysmom80 said:

@jen4948 I don't think they're "just not into being bridesmaids". I'm not going to say "oh sorry, that date doesn't work with you? It's MY DAY so you need to cancel your plans for a Saturday during the summer and go dress shopping with me!" It didn't work out, that's fine. Does it suck? Kind of. Are they not "into" the whole thing? Probably not. They're my friends first, bridal party members second so your comment rubbed me the wrong way.

Sorry about that, but if everyone has a reason for not being available to you, it does make me suspicious.  We here at TheKnot don't know you or your friends so we have no way of knowing whether or not they really do want to do it.  Good friends sometimes just aren't into being bridesmaids.

FWIW It wasn't like I was getting bullshit excuses. If it was "Oh, I can't go I'm waiting for the paint on my nails to dry" or "I'm going to count all the gravel stones in my driveway" then yeah, I'd be side-eyeing it too. Their excuses for the most part are completely valid. I'm not one of these speciul snowflekes that come on here, I'm a reg, I know how it is, you put your judgy pants on a little too fast and I know I'm right because other posters agreed that what you said was a little harsh.

No, only one other person said that.  I fully agree that life can get in the way, but when all of your bridesmaids claim that, I have to wonder and I think that's valid.  Calling me "judgy pants" over that is harsh and rather hypocritical as well.

If you think that your friends' excuses for not being available to dress shop with you are valid, then as you mention, you have two choices.  One is to find a day when everyone can do it; the other is to give them some free rein as to selecting dresses and let them do it on their own.

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

buddysmom80 said:

@jen4948 I don't think they're "just not into being bridesmaids". I'm not going to say "oh sorry, that date doesn't work with you? It's MY DAY so you need to cancel your plans for a Saturday during the summer and go dress shopping with me!" It didn't work out, that's fine. Does it suck? Kind of. Are they not "into" the whole thing? Probably not. They're my friends first, bridal party members second so your comment rubbed me the wrong way.

Sorry about that, but if everyone has a reason for not being available to you, it does make me suspicious.  We here at TheKnot don't know you or your friends so we have no way of knowing whether or not they really do want to do it.  Good friends sometimes just aren't into being bridesmaids.

Again, not wanting to go dress shopping =/= not wanting to be a BM.  I have been in 3 weddings and I never liked the dress shopping experience.  I had to try on god-awful dresses in colors that made me look like I was a ghost and then had to figure out the nicest way possible to say I didn't like it, blah, blah, blah.  But I was still happy to be a BM.

Also, it is now summer time so people's weekends are typically full for the next three months for parties and festivals and family affairs, weddings, vacations, etc.

But I do have to say that it is nice they let OP know in advance that they can't go anymore.  Much better then the typical "my BMs bailed on me the day before our dress shopping trip" stories we usually hear about on here.

Jen4948

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

buddysmom80 said:

@jen4948 I don't think they're "just not into being bridesmaids". I'm not going to say "oh sorry, that date doesn't work with you? It's MY DAY so you need to cancel your plans for a Saturday during the summer and go dress shopping with me!" It didn't work out, that's fine. Does it suck? Kind of. Are they not "into" the whole thing? Probably not. They're my friends first, bridal party members second so your comment rubbed me the wrong way.

Sorry about that, but if everyone has a reason for not being available to you, it does make me suspicious.  We here at TheKnot don't know you or your friends so we have no way of knowing whether or not they really do want to do it.  Good friends sometimes just aren't into being bridesmaids.

Again, not wanting to go dress shopping =/= not wanting to be a BM.  I have been in 3 weddings and I never liked the dress shopping experience.  I had to try on god-awful dresses in colors that made me look like I was a ghost and then had to figure out the nicest way possible to say I didn't like it, blah, blah, blah.  But I was still happy to be a BM.

Also, it is now summer time so people's weekends are typically full for the next three months for parties and festivals and family affairs, weddings, vacations, etc.

But I do have to say that it is nice they let OP know in advance that they can't go anymore.  Much better then the typical "my BMs bailed on me the day before our dress shopping trip" stories we usually hear about on here.

Never said that not wanting to go dress shopping = not wanting to be a bridesmaid.  It's the fact that everyone said so about the same specified time that bothers me unless the weekend in question was a holiday, because then it would make sense that people couldn't make it. 

If one person out of the whole group had said they were available but everyone else wasn't available, that wouldn't bother me.  But when everyone in the wedding party can't make it, that strikes me as odd and makes me wonder if there is some other problem.

I do agree that letting the OP know in advance that they can't go is a good thing.

buddysmom80

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

buddysmom80 said:

@jen4948 I don't think they're "just not into being bridesmaids". I'm not going to say "oh sorry, that date doesn't work with you? It's MY DAY so you need to cancel your plans for a Saturday during the summer and go dress shopping with me!" It didn't work out, that's fine. Does it suck? Kind of. Are they not "into" the whole thing? Probably not. They're my friends first, bridal party members second so your comment rubbed me the wrong way.

Sorry about that, but if everyone has a reason for not being available to you, it does make me suspicious.  We here at TheKnot don't know you or your friends so we have no way of knowing whether or not they really do want to do it.  Good friends sometimes just aren't into being bridesmaids.

Again, not wanting to go dress shopping =/= not wanting to be a BM.  I have been in 3 weddings and I never liked the dress shopping experience.  I had to try on god-awful dresses in colors that made me look like I was a ghost and then had to figure out the nicest way possible to say I didn't like it, blah, blah, blah.  But I was still happy to be a BM.

Also, it is now summer time so people's weekends are typically full for the next three months for parties and festivals and family affairs, weddings, vacations, etc.

But I do have to say that it is nice they let OP know in advance that they can't go anymore.  Much better then the typical "my BMs bailed on me the day before our dress shopping trip" stories we usually hear about on here.

Never said that not wanting to go dress shopping = not wanting to be a bridesmaid.  It's the fact that everyone said so about the same specified time that bothers me unless the weekend in question was a holiday, because then it would make sense that people couldn't make it. 

If one person out of the whole group had said they were available but everyone else wasn't available, that wouldn't bother me.  But when everyone in the wedding party can't make it, that strikes me as odd and makes me wonder if there is some other problem.

I do agree that letting the OP know in advance that they can't go is a good thing.

 

 

SITB:

 

To the bolded, yeah, they totally planned it out that way ::eyeroll::

Jen4948

buddysmom80 said:

Jen4948 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Jen4948 said:

buddysmom80 said:

@jen4948 I don't think they're "just not into being bridesmaids". I'm not going to say "oh sorry, that date doesn't work with you? It's MY DAY so you need to cancel your plans for a Saturday during the summer and go dress shopping with me!" It didn't work out, that's fine. Does it suck? Kind of. Are they not "into" the whole thing? Probably not. They're my friends first, bridal party members second so your comment rubbed me the wrong way.

Sorry about that, but if everyone has a reason for not being available to you, it does make me suspicious.  We here at TheKnot don't know you or your friends so we have no way of knowing whether or not they really do want to do it.  Good friends sometimes just aren't into being bridesmaids.

Again, not wanting to go dress shopping =/= not wanting to be a BM.  I have been in 3 weddings and I never liked the dress shopping experience.  I had to try on god-awful dresses in colors that made me look like I was a ghost and then had to figure out the nicest way possible to say I didn't like it, blah, blah, blah.  But I was still happy to be a BM.

Also, it is now summer time so people's weekends are typically full for the next three months for parties and festivals and family affairs, weddings, vacations, etc.

But I do have to say that it is nice they let OP know in advance that they can't go anymore.  Much better then the typical "my BMs bailed on me the day before our dress shopping trip" stories we usually hear about on here.

Never said that not wanting to go dress shopping = not wanting to be a bridesmaid.  It's the fact that everyone said so about the same specified time that bothers me unless the weekend in question was a holiday, because then it would make sense that people couldn't make it. 

If one person out of the whole group had said they were available but everyone else wasn't available, that wouldn't bother me.  But when everyone in the wedding party can't make it, that strikes me as odd and makes me wonder if there is some other problem.

I do agree that letting the OP know in advance that they can't go is a good thing.

 

 

SITB:

 

To the bolded, yeah, they totally planned it out that way ::eyeroll::

Hey, you know your friends, but the people here don't know them.  We have no way of knowing whether their excuses are valid or not.

delujm0

Be wary of Alfred Angelo if any of your BMs are very petite...I loved those dresses when I looked online, but went to try them on with the most difficult to fit member of my WP (she's barely 5'' and about 100 pounds, but with a DD chest) and every single dress ate her alive. There wasn't one that looked good on her. For that reason, i suggest you have at least SOMEONE try them on before deciding to go with it. If you can't get anyone to try it on, another option is to go with a "regular" dress (that will come in more normal sizes)...something from a department store, or Ann Taylor and J Crew have BM dresses (J Crew is a bit pricey though so make sure they fit everyone's budgets before going with that option). I found that traditional BM dresses were sized really strangely and much preferred buying "off the rack" (or online) and being able to try on my actual size and return the ones that didn't fit me properly. The off the rack option also requires less lead time for ordering.

manateehugger

delujm0 said:

Be wary of Alfred Angelo if any of your BMs are very petite...I loved those dresses when I looked online, but went to try them on with the most difficult to fit member of my WP (she's barely 5'' and about 100 pounds, but with a DD chest) and every single dress ate her alive. There wasn't one that looked good on her. For that reason, i suggest you have at least SOMEONE try them on before deciding to go with it. If you can't get anyone to try it on, another option is to go with a "regular" dress (that will come in more normal sizes)...something from a department store, or Ann Taylor and J Crew have BM dresses (J Crew is a bit pricey though so make sure they fit everyone's budgets before going with that option). I found that traditional BM dresses were sized really strangely and much preferred buying "off the rack" (or online) and being able to try on my actual size and return the ones that didn't fit me properly. The off the rack option also requires less lead time for ordering.

I wore an AA dress for a wedding last summer, and one of the BM's was similar to yours in bodytype. They happened to have youth sizes in the dress the bride wanted, but I felt so bad for her when we were trying on dresses. She was miserable. 

VulgarGirl

Wait...one of your bridesmaids couldn't make it because she was TTC? As in trying to conceive? So she basically said she was having sex and couldn't make it? Omg I love it!!!! Ok, back to actual advice now.

Maggie0829

MagicInk said:

Wait...one of your bridesmaids couldn't make it because she was TTC? As in trying to conceive? So she basically said she was having sex and couldn't make it? Omg I love it!!!! Ok, back to actual advice now.

Yeah, I kind of cocked my head when I read that to.  But I guess if you are charting and temping and whatever else goes into TTC and that dress shopping day falls on the same day as "the best time to make a baby so we must have sex a lot" day then I guess I can kind of see that as an excuse...kind of.

VulgarGirl

Maggie0829 said:

MagicInk said:

Wait...one of your bridesmaids couldn't make it because she was TTC? As in trying to conceive? So she basically said she was having sex and couldn't make it? Omg I love it!!!! Ok, back to actual advice now.

Yeah, I kind of cocked my head when I read that to.  But I guess if you are charting and temping and whatever else goes into TTC and that dress shopping day falls on the same day as "the best time to make a baby so we must have sex a lot" day then I guess I can kind of see that as an excuse...kind of.

Oh I'd totally let it be an excuse. When we start trying it'll be a whole to-do, but if one of my hetero relationship friends texted me that I'd be all "You're using having sex as an excuse? Pics or it didn't happen", because I'm that kind of person.

artbyallie

IMO, they 'can't make it' because they don't like trying on dresses in front of other people. Many women don't. I like the idea of just choosing a color and maybe a fabric personally because one silhouette is never going to be equally flattering on everyone. I was in my cousin's wedding in December where we all wore navy shantung in different shapes and we looked fab.

iloveu4ever

I would do that too. That is what I did with all my bridesmaids. I am trying to keep it under $200

Maggie0829 said:

I would look either in person (which is probably the best option so you can see what the colors look like in the different fabrics) or online at the dresses yourself. Pick your top three favorites and send them the link to each of them and tell them "when you have a chance to get to AA try them on and pick your favorite. The dress with the majority vote is the one we go with."