Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bride Being Rude? Bridesmaids Look Expectations

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Re: Bride Being Rude? Bridesmaids Look Expectations

  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
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    chloelady said:
    phira said:
    I'm sorry this is happening to you. A lot of people drastically change during wedding planning, and it can damage or end a lot of relationships. It's a little depressing that your situation isn't unique.

    If your friend had said, from the start, "You will need to purchase and wear this dress; you will need to purchase and wear these shoes; you will need your hair, make-up, and nails done in this particular way," we'd still say she was being rude. However, you'd have had the opportunity to say, "I love you, but I can't afford it," and decline. Changing the expectations after you'd accepted the honor puts a rude cherry on this rude sundae.
    - Absolutely.  And that's been my thoughts as well. If she had told me from the start, "Chloe, you're probably going to be spend more than $2,000 on dress, shoes, makeup, jewelry, travel, accommodations, bridal shower, bachelorette party, gifts and all the stuff I'm going to require you to do/wear," then I would have said, "Can't wait to attend as a guest!"
    Also leave some nasty reviews about the bridal salon. Unfortunately I've seen a few places do that (to get alterations money?), and I would love to know ahead of time if it is something I should be concerned about.

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  • Ugh. All of this is a mess. I'm sorry you're having to put up with this. 

    Here, have some wine. 

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    You read my mind.  THANK YOU.  If only I could drink at lunch... :)
    climbingsingleTeddiD34[Deleted User]
  • I had a friend who behaved exactly like this, years ago, right down to the registry complaints. I was demoted from bridesmaid to guest book attendant when she found out I was pregnant - because another bridesmaid was pregnant too, and then her pictures would look "ridiculous." I got the demotion because the other girl was pregnant "first." FFS.
    I was the best darned guest book attendant ever, which was easy, left the reception without saying goodbye, and cut her out of my life. Up until the time she became possessed by demons, I mean, engaged, she had been my best friend. 

    I'd bow out gracefully, before things got worse.
    I'd also go to yelp and give that bridal shop a scathing review. That's a vile and too common practice, and a really shitty way to make money. 

    chloelady
  • chloelady said:
    phira said:
    I'm sorry this is happening to you. A lot of people drastically change during wedding planning, and it can damage or end a lot of relationships. It's a little depressing that your situation isn't unique.

    If your friend had said, from the start, "You will need to purchase and wear this dress; you will need to purchase and wear these shoes; you will need your hair, make-up, and nails done in this particular way," we'd still say she was being rude. However, you'd have had the opportunity to say, "I love you, but I can't afford it," and decline. Changing the expectations after you'd accepted the honor puts a rude cherry on this rude sundae.
    - Absolutely.  And that's been my thoughts as well. If she had told me from the start, "Chloe, you're probably going to be spend more than $2,000 on dress, shoes, makeup, jewelry, travel, accommodations, bridal shower, bachelorette party, gifts and all the stuff I'm going to require you to do/wear," then I would have said, "Can't wait to attend as a guest!"
    Also leave some nasty reviews about the bridal salon. Unfortunately I've seen a few places do that (to get alterations money?), and I would love to know ahead of time if it is something I should be concerned about.
    Trust me, I have already shared what a pain in the ass they have been about this ordeal. Multiple review sites, vendor websites and a couple of local boards in our area.
    pinkshorts27mellyD2014
  • @chloelady I was the MOH in my best friend's wedding and the place we ordered our dresses screwed up on my size as well. I'm extremely petite (5') and I knew I'd have to have it hemmed, but they messed up and didn't order me a size 0 and I ended up having to take in 2 inches on either side of the dress which ended up costing me a ton in alterations. The person who did my alterations said the dress they ordered me was EASILY a 6!!!

    My best friend was appalled and talked to her mom about it and her mom got on the phone with the dress place and got them to pay for all of the alterations because they effed up. You should not have to fork over tons of money for alterations when it wasn't even your fault.
    cowgirl8238
  • I had a friend who behaved exactly like this, years ago, right down to the registry complaints. I was demoted from bridesmaid to guest book attendant when she found out I was pregnant - because another bridesmaid was pregnant too, and then her pictures would look "ridiculous." I got the demotion because the other girl was pregnant "first." FFS.
    I was the best darned guest book attendant ever, which was easy, left the reception without saying goodbye, and cut her out of my life. Up until the time she became possessed by demons, I mean, engaged, she had been my best friend. 

    I'd bow out gracefully, before things got worse.
    I'd also go to yelp and give that bridal shop a scathing review. That's a vile and too common practice, and a really shitty way to make money. 

    Other brides get upset when someone in the bridal party becomes pregnant? WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE.  And I cannot believe you were DEMOTED.  I am so, so sorry to read this.

    The bridesmaid in this party just found out she's pregnant last week. She's maybe 7 weeks along at this point. The bride, instead of congratulating her on the pregnancy complained to me privately about how "messed up" the pictures will be now.  I couldn't say a word because I was just stunned.
  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    chloelady said:
    I had a friend who behaved exactly like this, years ago, right down to the registry complaints. I was demoted from bridesmaid to guest book attendant when she found out I was pregnant - because another bridesmaid was pregnant too, and then her pictures would look "ridiculous." I got the demotion because the other girl was pregnant "first." FFS.
    I was the best darned guest book attendant ever, which was easy, left the reception without saying goodbye, and cut her out of my life. Up until the time she became possessed by demons, I mean, engaged, she had been my best friend. 

    I'd bow out gracefully, before things got worse.
    I'd also go to yelp and give that bridal shop a scathing review. That's a vile and too common practice, and a really shitty way to make money. 

    Other brides get upset when someone in the bridal party becomes pregnant? WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE.  And I cannot believe you were DEMOTED.  I am so, so sorry to read this.

    The bridesmaid in this party just found out she's pregnant last week. She's maybe 7 weeks along at this point. The bride, instead of congratulating her on the pregnancy complained to me privately about how "messed up" the pictures will be now.  I couldn't say a word because I was just stunned.
    Yes, leave now!

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    cowgirl8238
  • @chloelady I was the MOH in my best friend's wedding and the place we ordered our dresses screwed up on my size as well. I'm extremely petite (5') and I knew I'd have to have it hemmed, but they messed up and didn't order me a size 0 and I ended up having to take in 2 inches on either side of the dress which ended up costing me a ton in alterations. The person who did my alterations said the dress they ordered me was EASILY a 6!!!

    My best friend was appalled and talked to her mom about it and her mom got on the phone with the dress place and got them to pay for all of the alterations because they effed up. You should not have to fork over tons of money for alterations when it wasn't even your fault.
    This is what I expected from the bride, too.  When I called her up to say, "Hey, I have a size 22 dress when I'm between a 14-16. Can you believe the dress shop did this?", she responded with, "Yeah, I guess you're going to need to get it altered. I'm sorry for the mix-up!"

    This vent session has worked wonders for me. I haven't said anything to anyone personally, aside from my SO, and it makes me feel so much better to know other people don't think I'm crazy or to see that some brides, unfortunately, act this way.
    [Deleted User]JCbride2015
  • KGold80KGold80 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper

    chloelady said:
    I had a friend who behaved exactly like this, years ago, right down to the registry complaints. I was demoted from bridesmaid to guest book attendant when she found out I was pregnant - because another bridesmaid was pregnant too, and then her pictures would look "ridiculous." I got the demotion because the other girl was pregnant "first." FFS.
    I was the best darned guest book attendant ever, which was easy, left the reception without saying goodbye, and cut her out of my life. Up until the time she became possessed by demons, I mean, engaged, she had been my best friend. 

    I'd bow out gracefully, before things got worse.
    I'd also go to yelp and give that bridal shop a scathing review. That's a vile and too common practice, and a really shitty way to make money. 

    Other brides get upset when someone in the bridal party becomes pregnant? WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE.  And I cannot believe you were DEMOTED.  I am so, so sorry to read this.

    The bridesmaid in this party just found out she's pregnant last week. She's maybe 7 weeks along at this point. The bride, instead of congratulating her on the pregnancy complained to me privately about how "messed up" the pictures will be now.  I couldn't say a word because I was just stunned.
    Oh good heavens. Have you already had the alterations done on your dress? If not, get out while you can. Or just ignore the sunk costs on the dress and consider yourself lucky that you don't have to pay for all of the other shit she is expecting you to pay for at this point. The bride is being a monster and you shouldn't have to tolerate someone being that ugly. I'm sorry if she is (was) a close friend, but clearly her priorities are WAY out of order right now. :(
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    cowgirl8238
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    The bolded is lovely but...is she looking forward to it? If not, I don't think she's obligated to continue being friends with this bride, if she doesn't want to. I guess there are multiple levels of "NOPE" that can be had here--no to all the "extras" but still being a bridesmaid, no to being a bridesmaid but yes to being a guest/friend, or NOPE to bridesmaiding, to guesting, and to friendship. All are valid options, to my mind.
    Yeah ... I mean, to me it's just polite lying to make sure the bride has no ammo. But you're 100% right.
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  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln (NO SLEEP TIL) Brooklyn! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    aRachel21 said:
    chloelady said:
    I had a friend who behaved exactly like this, years ago, right down to the registry complaints. I was demoted from bridesmaid to guest book attendant when she found out I was pregnant - because another bridesmaid was pregnant too, and then her pictures would look "ridiculous." I got the demotion because the other girl was pregnant "first." FFS.
    I was the best darned guest book attendant ever, which was easy, left the reception without saying goodbye, and cut her out of my life. Up until the time she became possessed by demons, I mean, engaged, she had been my best friend. 

    I'd bow out gracefully, before things got worse.
    I'd also go to yelp and give that bridal shop a scathing review. That's a vile and too common practice, and a really shitty way to make money. 

    Other brides get upset when someone in the bridal party becomes pregnant? WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE.  And I cannot believe you were DEMOTED.  I am so, so sorry to read this.

    The bridesmaid in this party just found out she's pregnant last week. She's maybe 7 weeks along at this point. The bride, instead of congratulating her on the pregnancy complained to me privately about how "messed up" the pictures will be now.  I couldn't say a word because I was just stunned.

    You should drop out to make her pictures even more messed up.  Uneven sides, AND a pregnant bridesmaid. 
    I'm surprised this lady doesn't have "backups" waiting. I mean, one pregnant and another dropping out? WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE PICTURES?
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    aRachel21[Deleted User]
  • MagicInk said:
    I'd stay in. And wear whatever the fuck I wanted with the damn dress. And when she says "You must wear 6" heeled go-go boots!!" just calmly say "Oh, I've already gotten my shoes, no need to worry. Here have some bean dip", and when she says "But they must be go-go boots!" say "Have you heard about Pluto? That's messed up", just refuse to engage.
    Poor Pluto. :(



    Did I read that right... she expects you to buy a pearl necklace? lol no.



    If you do choose to back out, you can sell that dress on ebay so you won't be out too much.
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  • tcnobletcnoble member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    OP, you are being far nicer and showing more patience than I would in this situation. Major bridezilla and nobody would fault you for dropping out.

    The more I hear about these crazy controlling brides, I just don't understand how they have the capacity to worry about shoes and jewelry and nails in the midst of all the BIG PICTURE details of a wedding. Honestly, I have bigger things to worry about than what color nail polish my BMs pick for the day. Jeeeeeezus.
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  • ugh. I had the same exact thing happen with a bridesmaid dress. I wear a 14-16 normally and the gal had me order a 20. The sales lady claimed they ran big and I was silly enough to trust her. Also, plus size started at 18 which cost an extra $30 that they neglected to tell me about until after they had my credit card.
    I got the thing and I was swimming in it. They offered to do alterations (for a fee) and I said no thanks. I had it done elsewhere and it cost $200+ aka the same as the dress did... as she took the thing all the way into a 14. SOB.

    Some of these shops are such a racket. My mom bought my bridesmaid' their dresses; they just paid for their own alterations, but I recall the sizes they ordered being very close to their dresses sizes so hopefully they didn't have these problems.

    All that aside....

    OMG. I just don't understand it. Who seriously cares about the bridesmaids' nails? Is something just wired differently in some people to make them care? My girls I said any nude, silver or black shoe. Do your hair and makeup any way you want. Boom. Done. It looked great. My wedding pictures were in a magazine, including a great shot of my mismatched bridesmaids. I think it's so self-centered and presumptuous to begin with to think your bridesmaids should do all these things on their own dime... but I don't even understand why making your girls look like clones of each other is something some brides want?

    Sorry for mini rant.


  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    aurianna said:
    ugh. I had the same exact thing happen with a bridesmaid dress. I wear a 14-16 normally and the gal had me order a 20. The sales lady claimed they ran big and I was silly enough to trust her. Also, plus size started at 18 which cost an extra $30 that they neglected to tell me about until after they had my credit card.
    I got the thing and I was swimming in it. They offered to do alterations (for a fee) and I said no thanks. I had it done elsewhere and it cost $200+ aka the same as the dress did... as she took the thing all the way into a 14. SOB.

    Some of these shops are such a racket. My mom bought my bridesmaid' their dresses; they just paid for their own alterations, but I recall the sizes they ordered being very close to their dresses sizes so hopefully they didn't have these problems.

    All that aside....

    OMG. I just don't understand it. Who seriously cares about the bridesmaids' nails? Is something just wired differently in some people to make them care? My girls I said any nude, silver or black shoe. Do your hair and makeup any way you want. Boom. Done. It looked great. My wedding pictures were in a magazine, including a great shot of my mismatched bridesmaids. I think it's so self-centered and presumptuous to begin with to think your bridesmaids should do all these things on their own dime... but I don't even understand why making your girls look like clones of each other is something some brides want?

    Sorry for mini rant.


    I actually find that my street size is the same as most bridesmaid dress sizes. I'm not wearing a traditional wedding dress, but the evening gown I bought also matches my street size. The fact that salons have samples for people to try on, as well as the official measurements from designers, leads to me to the conclusion that a lot of salons rely on the assumption that your street size and bridesmaid's dress size are not the same, and intentionally pressure people to order dresses that are too big and will require alterations.

    I'm really serious. When I bought my wedding dress, the sales associates had the designer's size information right there, for me to see. They took my measurements, compared them to the designer information, and we picked the size that would fit me. There's no reason to guess and order up multiple sizes.

    Anyway--I also agree that I have zero idea why everything down to NAILS must match. Like, I really don't get it.
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  • When I was a bridesmaid we all wore matching dresses.  The bride changed her mind from a black cocktail dress from DB within all our budgets to a long satin ballgown from a boutique.  Mine was a size 22 to fit my enormous ass, another bridesmaid was a size 22 to fit her double Ds.  We both had to have them altered to fit the rest of our bodies properly.  The bride put down the 50% deposit on all our dresses, including extra for our larger sizes, my extra for my height, and the expected alteration costs.  We paid for the remainder when we picked up the dresses.  (Though a few of us suspect that the bride paid the remainder for her MOH who is notorious for being in financial difficulty, but we're all friends with her and thought it was awesome for the bride to want her friend there so badly that she'd pay for the dress.)  Bride's mom paid for our mani/pedis even though we all chose whatever colors we wanted.  Bride paid for our hair if we wanted it done, and we all did something different since we all have different hair.  Our gift was jewelry to wear the day of the wedding which I haven't worn since, so that was pretty much the only etiquette boo-boo this bride even had.  She was so cool.  Still is.
  • Not crazy at all. If a bride expects anything specific from the bm's, she needs to pay for it theirselves. This sounds like a shit-show and a half. Some brides need to realize that a wedding isn't a free pass to get their BSC on. Seriously.

    Someone should tell them...image

     

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  • I've been in 2 weddings with another one coming up this summer. We picked out the dress and I paid for that and the alterations for each wedding. After that I did my nails how I wanted to, didn't pay for a makeup artist, did my hair how I wanted and picked out my own shoes (only caveat was colour was chosen by the bride). And I don't wear a lot of jewelry due to allergies nor do I have my ears pierced so most likely I wouldn't be able to wear something I was told to wear. Well not without consequences.

    I had a mother of the groom tell me once that I should have worn contacts so I wasn't wearing my glasses in pictures. I didn't wear contacts ever.

  • edited May 2014
    chloelady said:

    Apart from the bride for a moment - is there no way you can put the salon on the hook for their error? They should be paying for those drastic alterations.
    They offered to alter the dress but I would have to pay for it. They claimed that they ordered the dress so large because of my bust region even though there's plenty of room in the bust and the rest of the dress hangs off like a blanket.  Their alteration costs would have cost me the same as buying a brand new dress - like around $200+.  There is a lady in our town who is doing it for half price.  Needless to say, I will never consider giving that bridal shop my business in the future.
    This happened to me the first wedding I was in. The salon ordered the dress 4 sizes too big because they said my hips were so "poochy" (that pissed me off)...well when I got it I literally could have fit the bride in the dress with me. And they wanted basically the entire cost of the dress again to alter. I was almost in tears because I couldn't afford that so the bride freaked out on them and had them remove their pins (they tried to charge me a pin removal fee too) and we left. The brides aunt altered it for me instead for like 30 dollars. I think this is a good move!
  • My bridesmaids kept asking me for more guidance- they all had the same dress (which was a steal and I may have been the most excited that they didn't have to spend much), but I said any black shoe. Most of them ran their shoes by me just in case. I said as long as you're comfortable! I wasn't going to make them get their hair done but I offered to make appointments if they'd like and they all said yes. They asked me if I preferred up or down- said whatever made them feel good. A couple of them made jewelry the night before the wedding- again, I didn't care! We all went to get our nails done the day before (bridesmaids' idea- I was going to go on my own), and they all asked if I wanted them a certain way. Nope, you're the one who has to look at them for 2 weeks! We had a lot of fun doing it all together and I was just happy to spend time with my girls (and a couple did tell me that I was the most laid-back bride and they really appreciated it)! Some people just go bonkers wedding planning...
  • djfiveninedjfivenine member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    edited May 2014
    A few years ago, one of my best friends from high school got married in our home town and I was one of her bridesmaids.  I did my own hair and makeup and my mom's house, put on my dress and heels, and as I was walking out of the door I asked my mom "How do I look?"

    She said "Sweetie, you look beautiful.  But no one is going to be looking at you."

    I mean, right? The bridesmaids themselves want to look beautiful (like I did on that day), because who wants to look a mess when they will be in tons of pictures?  But when it comes to actually looking at the hair, nails, accessories, etc, people only really look at the BRIDE!  The bride is the "centerpiece" of like every single wedding photo.  So why are brides so crazy about all the details of the bridesmaids uniform?  Ugh!
    [Deleted User]adverb1129
  • chloelady said:
    KGold80 said:
    chloelady said:
    Thank you, all.  I've already had one discussion with the bride about the costs of alternations and that conversation didn't go well.  The bridal shop ordered my dress four sizes too large and they couldn't get a new dress in time for the wedding, so I'm shelling out a ton of money to get it to fit me.  Her response was, "I don't know what to tell you except I'm sorry about the mix-up."
    Apart from the bride for a moment - is there no way you can put the salon on the hook for their error? They should be paying for those drastic alterations.

    ETA: I am also sorry that on top of everything else, you also have to either shell out money for someone else's mistake, or deal with this bridal shop in getting compensation. Both are problems you shouldn't have had to deal with, and I'm also sorry the bride isn't more supportive.
    I concur. If this were me I would be making LOTS of noise until they agreed to pay for their mistake
    I also agree...and I think the bride should be backing you up on that instead of basically telling you that it's your problem.
    She and the bridal shop are in cahoots.  She purchased a $5,000 gown and they gave her a very steep discount if she would spread the word about the bridal shop, required us to purchase our bridesmaid dresses there and have the alterations done there. So for her, she's getting a $5,000 dress for $2,500 and that's all that matters.

    She agreed that my large bust was why they ordered a size 22W.  Yeah. I'm nowhere near that size.
    One of my OOT bridesmaids had this problem. She was told she needed a 22W dress, but when she finally got it (yesterday) it was ginormous on her. Fell down to her waist. I feel super bad about it, even though the seamstress that took her measurements screwed up (she thinks). I told her that if the alterations cost a bundle, I would cover her hair and makeup to make up for it. Because I feel bad. I feel like your bride should be doing at least the same thing for you. 
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    @iloveotters2014‌ Pin removal fee? Seriously?
    CrazyCatLady3
  • Yikes, I feel like that is a lot of expense to throw at someone! When you originally agreed to be her BM she had said what was expected. She can't just suddenly start adding on new stuff at your expense. 

    That is crazy you have to shell out money for a mistake the bridal shop made. Any shop I know would take it as their mistake and figure out a way to make it work (without charging the poor person who had nothing to do with the mistake!) 

    Sorry to hear your friend has turned into a crazy bride. You have to look out for yourself and do what makes you comfortable, even if that means say "Sorry but I can't afford all the expense" or just go as a guest. Best of luck!! 
  • KaurisKauris member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    At least if you drop out, could sell the dress to the pregnant bridesmaid? Or the inevitable replacement?
    MGP[Deleted User]
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited May 2014
    @iloveotters2014‌ Pin removal fee? Seriously?
    Yeah, that's ridiculous. Not that I don't believe it's true--I've been pretty floored by the things brides and grooms get charged for.

    ETA And bridesmaids, of course.
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