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Customs and Traditions

Tacky Money dance

I will likely catch flak for this, and thats ok. But I'm really torn on this! My FMIL AND my FH both think we need one. Also, my mother isn't saying we should or shouldn't, simply saying "well your dad and I had one, and so did both of your aunts". And I will say this, in the beginning I was 150% on a NOOOO! But after spending so much money, and having over 20 people back out with a week to my wedding....... I'm feeling like I need to do something to recoup some cash. And when the most important people in my life are asking me to do it, and telling me its ok.....its hard for me to justify it being so wrong or "tacky" as others put it.... And I do have to agree with that......But it was also super tacky of my "friends" to bail after their meal had been paid for! And I can almost guarantee that not ONE of them will be sending a gift (not that I expected a gift in return for their time or food...but when you cant even show up to EAT the food I bought you!) I'm just so frustrated and feel the well running dry! We ended up having to put some of this on a credit card, because our guest list was bigger than what we thought, but then shrunk back down to what we had originally planned for...but its too late, we cant get our money back. over 1,000 dollars....WASTED! Sorry, I guess I really just needed one more place to vent....I more than likely wont do a dollar dance, for the obvious and not so obvious reasons....I just don't like dancing with people I've not danced with before (like close friends). Sorry to be a big cry baby.....

Re: Tacky Money dance

  • Why don't you ask if the extra money can be used towards an upgraded appetizer or something if it's not too late?
    chibiyuiashley8918
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Since you don't like dancing with people you've not danced with before, why do you want to do a dollar dance?

    It's just not appropriate to expect your guests to pay for anything at your wedding, whether that's for a dollar dance, cash bar, parking, or any other amenity.  I'm sorry that you lost money, but it's not okay to expect your guests to pay you to recoup cash.
  • I will likely catch flak for this, and thats ok. But I'm really torn on this! My FMIL AND my FH both think we need one. Also, my mother isn't saying we should or shouldn't, simply saying "well your dad and I had one, and so did both of your aunts". And I will say this, in the beginning I was 150% on a NOOOO! But after spending so much money, and having over 20 people back out with a week to my wedding....... I'm feeling like I need to do something to recoup some cash. And when the most important people in my life are asking me to do it, and telling me its ok.....its hard for me to justify it being so wrong or "tacky" as others put it.... And I do have to agree with that......But it was also super tacky of my "friends" to bail after their meal had been paid for! And I can almost guarantee that not ONE of them will be sending a gift (not that I expected a gift in return for their time or food...but when you cant even show up to EAT the food I bought you!) I'm just so frustrated and feel the well running dry! We ended up having to put some of this on a credit card, because our guest list was bigger than what we thought, but then shrunk back down to what we had originally planned for...but its too late, we cant get our money back. over 1,000 dollars....WASTED! Sorry, I guess I really just needed one more place to vent....I more than likely wont do a dollar dance, for the obvious and not so obvious reasons....I just don't like dancing with people I've not danced with before (like close friends). Sorry to be a big cry baby.....
    Please don't ask your guests that actually are showing up to help pay for your wedding. It's like you're punishing those that didn't back out.

    Talk to your venue about putting the money from those former's guests meals towards something else, like upgraded appetizers or a second dessert.

    Just because some important people are telling you to do something, does not mean you should do it. The important people in my friend's life told her that she should get married before she gets too old or he loses interest. He treated her like crap and now they're divorced. True story. Ignore what they say and do what you know is right.
    image
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'd be a little snarky and tell FH if he wants the money he can put on a dress and dance for it, it's kinda bullshit to push that on you if you're not comfortable with it. 

    I agree with PP's about seeing if the extra cash can be put towards an upgrade. 

    *hugs* Breath. It will all work out.
    image



    Anniversary
    KGold80ashley8918
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2014
    I'm sorry you have guests backing out at the last minute. My DD had many back out too, because of a major storm. Still the venue expected to be paid for the food and supplies they ordered for the wedding and I don't blame them for that.

    If the money is bothering you, think of other ways you can make $1000, rather than taking advantage of the guests who do show up to celebrate. You could have a tag sale or find a part time temporary job to make up for the money, even if it means delivering newspapers, babysitting, house sitting etc...so you won't have that nagging feeling that you have done something rude at your wedding. 

    I hope your wedding is so wonderful that you'll forget about the no shows. Best wishes.


                       
  • Thanks everyone. Y'all are right! Nix that dollar dance! As for the idea of asking for upgrades, FH is insistent that this wasn't an option, that it's in our contract. I just don't see why we can't call our caterer (he is part of our venue contract) and ask about an upgraded something. Ugh! I'm so mad! I know it won't matter in the end, but at this moment I'm so mad at the situation. And even more frustrated that I can't change it!

    And working a part time isn't really an option as I am a stay at home mom of two boys, 2 and 4. And FH job is like a contract work. So his hours variety from week to week, day to day.
  • I know that you have already decided not to do it... but, why do you feel the need to recoup some of the money that you were going to spend anyway.  So, the meal goes uneaten... it's shitty, but, you were planning to spend that money anyway.  Gifts should never, ever, ever, ever be expected.  You host the wedding you can afford, and be done with it.  If you get cash gifts, well, that's fabulous, but you should never expect them to offset the price of your wedding.
  • I never said I expected a gift from anyone.....
  • I never said I expected a gift from anyone.....


    No, not directly, but you said the following:

    "But it was also super tacky of my "friends" to bail after their meal had been paid for! And I can almost guarantee that not ONE of them will be sending a gift (not that I expected a gift in return for their time or food...but when you cant even show up to EAT the food I bought you!) I'm just so frustrated and feel the well running dry! "

    and

     "But after spending so much money, and having over 20 people back out with a week to my wedding....... I'm feeling like I need to do something to recoup some cash."

    It pretty much sounds like you are pissed that they aren't coming, because you were hoping you would recoup some of the money if they came. 

    The well was going to be dry whether they show up or not.    I can understand being bummed that they backed out after the catering numbers are in, but you determined how dry the well would be when you increased your guest list in the first place. 

    ashley8918
  • I wouldn't do the dollar dance.  And I would call the caterer myself and explain the situation.  Ask them if there is anything they can do.  They might say no.  Or they might work with you a bit.  
  • Call them anyway. It won't hurt to ask. If they won't let you put the money towards something else, ask they pack up the uneaten meals so you have lunch for the week.

    If you need extra cash you can...
    -hold a yard sale
    -sell stuff on ebay
    -donate to Goodwill (or a similar place) and take the tax reduction
    -baby-sit Having your own kids is no excuse. Your Fi or parents can spend quality time with the kids while you do this. $25 for one evening just 4 times a month can get you $100. Do this for a year and you'll have made your money back while helping out another family in need. Win win.
    image
    ashley8918
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I couldn't get past you saying you were looking to recoup some of the money you spent. You could have planned an event that cost less and saved money that way instead of taking up a collection from your guests to pay for your choices. 

    This REALLY rubs me the wrong way. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    Jen4948Maggie0829NYCBruinwandajune6
  • You already know that money dances are tacky. It's even MORE tacky to attempt to squeeze a few more dollars out of your guests to defray your wedding expenses.
  • lilybet13 said:

    I see that OP has decided against the dollar dance. Cool.

    This thread got me curious: How much do people earn from dollar dances? We hear them talked about on these boards as money-makers, but do they really make that much money? Anyone hear any numbers on hauls?
    I think on average, a couple hundred dollars. But in some circles, and depending on the size of the guest list, it could be much higher.
  • ScoutFScoutF member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I see that OP has decided against the dollar dance. Cool.

    This thread got me curious: How much do people earn from dollar dances? We hear them talked about on these boards as money-makers, but do they really make that much money? Anyone hear any numbers on hauls?
    I think on average, a couple hundred dollars. But in some circles, and depending on the size of the guest list, it could be much higher.
    I told H that we were not doing a money dance and he was a bit upset. He got even more upset when one of his groomsmen told him they made about $4,000 during theirs. 
  • ScoutF said:
    I see that OP has decided against the dollar dance. Cool.

    This thread got me curious: How much do people earn from dollar dances? We hear them talked about on these boards as money-makers, but do they really make that much money? Anyone hear any numbers on hauls?
    I think on average, a couple hundred dollars. But in some circles, and depending on the size of the guest list, it could be much higher.
    I told H that we were not doing a money dance and he was a bit upset. He got even more upset when one of his groomsmen told him they made about $4,000 during theirs. 

    I had to have MANY conversations with friends and family about why I wasn't doing the money dance.    they just didn't get it.  "But it's a TRADITION!!!"

    I cringe when people say "I made X dollars".   People shouldn't be looking at their wedding like a fundraiser. 

    NYCBruin
  • ScoutFScoutF member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    ScoutF said:
    I see that OP has decided against the dollar dance. Cool.

    This thread got me curious: How much do people earn from dollar dances? We hear them talked about on these boards as money-makers, but do they really make that much money? Anyone hear any numbers on hauls?
    I think on average, a couple hundred dollars. But in some circles, and depending on the size of the guest list, it could be much higher.
    I told H that we were not doing a money dance and he was a bit upset. He got even more upset when one of his groomsmen told him they made about $4,000 during theirs. 

    I had to have MANY conversations with friends and family about why I wasn't doing the money dance.    they just didn't get it.  "But it's a TRADITION!!!"

    I cringe when people say "I made X dollars".   People shouldn't be looking at their wedding like a fundraiser. 

    Completely agree. We still didn't have a money dance. I think it still irks H, but that was not something I was giving in on.
  • ScoutF said:
    ScoutF said:
    I see that OP has decided against the dollar dance. Cool.

    This thread got me curious: How much do people earn from dollar dances? We hear them talked about on these boards as money-makers, but do they really make that much money? Anyone hear any numbers on hauls?
    I think on average, a couple hundred dollars. But in some circles, and depending on the size of the guest list, it could be much higher.
    I told H that we were not doing a money dance and he was a bit upset. He got even more upset when one of his groomsmen told him they made about $4,000 during theirs. 

    I had to have MANY conversations with friends and family about why I wasn't doing the money dance.    they just didn't get it.  "But it's a TRADITION!!!"

    I cringe when people say "I made X dollars".   People shouldn't be looking at their wedding like a fundraiser. 

    Completely agree. We still didn't have a money dance. I think it still irks H, but that was not something I was giving in on.


    After all of the nagging, I finally said something like "Why don't you just make sure we have a stripper pole in the middle of the dance floor, and I'll show a little ass and dance to "make it rain". 

    that finally shut some people up.

    wandajune6
  • I know you said you weren't going to do it - good decision.  But I wanted to throw out there that from what I've heard about dollar dances, you only make around 30 bucks.
  • ashley8918ashley8918 Chicago Suburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Call them anyway. It won't hurt to ask. If they won't let you put the money towards something else, ask they pack up the uneaten meals so you have lunch for the week. If you need extra cash you can... -hold a yard sale -sell stuff on ebay -donate to Goodwill (or a similar place) and take the tax reduction -baby-sit Having your own kids is no excuse. Your Fi or parents can spend quality time with the kids while you do this. $25 for one evening just 4 times a month can get you $100. Do this for a year and you'll have made your money back while helping out another family in need. Win win.
    I have a sneaking suspicion that we may end up a bit below our minimum, so I'm glad you suggested this to the OP. I never would have thought of it.
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