Why get married anyway?

luckya23

It's in the Getting to Know You thread, which asks for wedding date.

And of course I had to enter something to join the site as well, FYI.

lilacck28

also, the whole "Wait till the man asks you THEN plan" thing is really annoying. People can mutually decide that they will get married and start to do some preliminary "planning" i.e. looking online , but still want a traditional proposal. Or not do a traditional proposal. Or the woman proposes and then they start planning. What makes a couple "engaged" is different for every couple.  They get to decide those terms. 

luckya23

lilacck28 said:

also, the whole "Wait till the man asks you THEN plan" thing is really annoying. People can mutually decide that they will get married and start to do some preliminary "planning" i.e. looking online , but still want a traditional proposal. Or not do a traditional proposal. Or the woman proposes and then they start planning. What makes a couple "engaged" is different for every couple.  They get to decide those terms. 

Thank you!!!

I think our "status" is between us, and it's a fun time keeping it to ourselves IRL!  It doesn't hurt that we were just on vacation together for a week, either... Now it's back to the grind and I haven't really spoken to SO in 2 days (he works nights) :-(

I kinda thought that's what this board was for...  If I was ready to really plan anything, I would probably have more useful ways to avoid actually working! haha

Swazzle

You can be engaged without a ring and if you're planning a wedding then you are engaged. There is no such thing as officially engaged or engaged to be engaged. You're either are or you aren't. 

luckya23

I don't want to publicly acknowledge any level of engagement without a ring (and hey, maybe not even then bc I do not want to really plan!), so here we are.

I don't regret starting to prepare my BFF, however!

I'd rather get more of her nonsense out of the way beforehand.

Plus teasing my sister, who is more excited for an engagement than I am is FUN! lol

lilacck28

Swazzle said:

You can be engaged without a ring and if you're planning a wedding then you are engaged. There is no such thing as officially engaged or engaged to be engaged. You're either are or you aren't. 

We've had this debate before, might as well have it again  

Personal example:

I had a timeline with then BF. We talked about marriage. We discussed when we'd ideally like to get engaged to each other, and when we'd ideally like to get married. I looked online at wedding websites. I looked at pictures of dresses and cakes. I even looked online at venues near my home town. I wanted an idea of price, I wanted to learn about my options, and I wanted to get a feel for my and then BF's preferences. Then, around the time we had discussed in our timeline, we bought a ring together.We decided that for us, engagement meant a proposal, and didn't consider ourselves engaged and didn't tell other people that we were engaged until that occurred. 

Why should the couple not be able to define when they consider themselves engaged? 

GoldenPenguin

The couple DOES have every right to define when they consider themselves engaged.

BUT "pre-engaged" or "engaged-to-be-engaged" or "unofficially engaged" or "Super-double-secret-engaged" is NOT A THING. You're either NOT engaged, or you're engaged. 

Also, if my BF was like "oh yea, we're super-double-secret engaged" that wouldn't be cute to me. My brain would read that as "he's totally not ready to be engaged, so he's telling me this to shut me up." 

Swazzle

Dude, do whatever the hell you want. 

The definition of engaged is "a formal agreement to marry." If you don't want to consider yourself engaged, THEN DON'T. I couldn't give two shits. My own person opinion which is one that is common on this board, is that if you do not consider yourself to be engaged then you should not be PLANNING A WEDDING. 

I honestly don't have the energy to have this debate for the 102347812937th time. 

lilacck28

GoldenPenguin said:

The couple DOES have every right to define when they consider themselves engaged.

BUT "pre-engaged" or "engaged-to-be-engaged" or "unofficially engaged" or "Super-double-secret-engaged" is NOT A THING. You're either NOT engaged, or you're engaged. 

Also, if my BF was like "oh yea, we're super-double-secret engaged" that wouldn't be cute to me. My brain would read that as "he's totally not ready to be engaged, so he's telling me this to shut me up." 

Ah, now I see the distinction. Yes, FI and I decided when we considered ourselves engaged. To our friends and family, we said "yes, we're very serious. We're thinking about marriage. This is when we think we want to get married", but words like "secret engagement" were never used. 

My grandmother thought we were ridiculous. She considered us engaged way before we did. I told her we bought a ring, and then she told my aunt and uncle we were engaged. That was a fun email exchange! 

Dignity100

Kelani23 said:

I don't want to publicly acknowledge any level of engagement without a ring (and hey, maybe not even then bc I do not want to really plan!), so here we are.

I don't regret starting to prepare my BFF, however!

I'd rather get more of her nonsense out of the way beforehand.

Plus teasing my sister, who is more excited for an engagement than I am is FUN! lol

To the bolded:
There aren't really levels of engagement.  You either ARE or you are NOT. 

If you're actively planning and have a date and all that stuff, even if you have not told a sold, you're engaged. 

If you're BF has not asked you, but you both are actively looking at wedding stuff and picking stuff out, that sounds like a mutual agreement that you are going to get married.  The question of 'Will you marry me' is NOT needed to be engaged.

If you are teasing your sister about the engagement stuff, you're probably a little more excited then you're letting yourself believe you are.

luckya23

I never said I was engaged.  I'm not.  I shared what I thought was a cute thing my SO came up with, which he obviously isn't telling anyone else!

But I'm also not waiting for some big proposal. 

I'm waiting to find the ring setting I want and get it all put together!

Oh, and I guess waiting for my father's permission to be obtained, but I think he will side-eye that - "You mean my grown daughter over there in her own house?  I guess it's fine by me!"

BreMR

Off topic here, but what has been everyone's experience with your FI asking your dad's permission prior to?  Obviously, my FI and I have been together for 12 years, and been living on our own for about 10 of them I didn't even think that my bf should have asked my dad for permission....  I'm my own adult woman now, taking care of myself and my blessing is what my bf needed.

I ask because when I called my dad to tell him about our engagement he did not seem excited at all, he's like "cool, congratulations." Maybe he's pissed, or maybe that's just my dad but that's a whole different bag of woes to open.

luckya23

I was just wondering that too, if it's still common or what???

buddysmom80

GoldenPenguin said:

The couple DOES have every right to define when they consider themselves engaged.

BUT "pre-engaged" or "engaged-to-be-engaged" or "unofficially engaged" or "Super-double-secret-engaged" is NOT A THING. You're either NOT engaged, or you're engaged. 

Also, if my BF was like "oh yea, we're super-double-secret engaged" that wouldn't be cute to me. My brain would read that as "he's totally not ready to be engaged, so he's telling me this to shut me up." 

Like a promise ring! Oh god, don't get me started on THAT TOPIC.

lilacck28

I asked my parents if they wanted/ expected current fiance to ask for their blessing. I thing its old fashioned and doesn't match any of our politics, but I was curious about it. They both looked at me like I was crazy. They said something along the lines of "You're an adult. You're not our property. We would question FI's integrity and how much he respected you if he asked us that."  EDIT: They also said that they would have told me 6 months into our relationship if they didn't like FI and didn't want me with him/ marrying him, 

I know that my dad is excited, but for the most part he really doesn't show it. He really wants to do the father daughter dance, and has a particular song that he wants to dance to. I think its cheesey/ sappy, but I'll do it. This is the only thing he's seemed interested in, and its a more recent development. Besides that though, he's been really blase about the wedding. He doesn't really want to hear about it or talk about it. He's known that it was coming, but I think it's still weird for him maybe? His response was pretty much the same "congratulations", but without much enthusiasm. Obviously I don't know your relationship with your dad, but if its just a seeming lack of excitement, I  wouldn't let it upset you.  

Off topic here, but what has been everyone's experience with your FI asking your dad's permission prior to?  Obviously, my FI and I have been together for 12 years, and been living on our own for about 10 of them I didn't even think that my bf should have asked my dad for permission....  I'm my own adult woman now, taking care of myself and my blessing is what my bf needed.

I ask because when I called my dad to tell him about our engagement he did not seem excited at all, he's like "cool, congratulations." Maybe he's pissed, or maybe that's just my dad but that's a whole different bag of woes to open.

KeptInStitches

I didn't ask my dad if he wanted my FI to ask permission, and I told my FI not to. I'm a big kid, put my own shoes on this morning and everything - I live on my own, outside my parents' home, and I do not need their permission to do anything.

And I'm pretty sure I made at least a decent move because my dad's first move on finding out we were engaged was to go grab a bottle of unoaked chardonnay, which the four of us proceeded to drink before we'd had anything to eat that day.

luckya23

LOL, he did ask if we should find a temp ring while we were at the beach!  I did have the "promise ring" issue with a previous BF though!

I don't get the feeling though that SO is un-ready, so it's not something I'm worried about.  Not now anyway!

I guess I'm still getting used to the idea that he was ready way before I imagined...  He says he was just waiting until after our 1 yr anniversary so it wasn't too ridiculously quick!

Swazzle

H told my mom when he had the ring and planned to propose. He didn't ask for her permission or her blessing, that's not his style and I wouldn't have appreciated it. It also wasn't a huge surprise to my mom when he told her because she already knew we looked at rings together.

bethsmiles

@BreMR - I don't think BF has any intention of asking my dad for permission. For one, it's a pretty out-dated tradition and I don't need anyone's permission. And besides that fact, we both know that my family love BF and they've been pushing us to get married for awhile - asking seems a bit redundant!

I think when we tell our parents we will do a sort of asking for their blessing thing but we aren't asking for permission.

buddysmom80

FI asked my dad for permission but I think he only did it because he was scared to death of my dad at the time. I don't think it would've been a big deal if he didn't.

luckya23

Dignity100 said:

Kelani23 said:

I don't want to publicly acknowledge any level of engagement without a ring (and hey, maybe not even then bc I do not want to really plan!), so here we are.

I don't regret starting to prepare my BFF, however!

I'd rather get more of her nonsense out of the way beforehand.

Plus teasing my sister, who is more excited for an engagement than I am is FUN! lol

To the bolded:
There aren't really levels of engagement.  You either ARE or you are NOT. 

If you're actively planning and have a date and all that stuff, even if you have not told a sold, you're engaged. 

If you're BF has not asked you, but you both are actively looking at wedding stuff and picking stuff out, that sounds like a mutual agreement that you are going to get married.  The question of 'Will you marry me' is NOT needed to be engaged.

If you are teasing your sister about the engagement stuff, you're probably a little more excited then you're letting yourself believe you are.

Sorry, missed this before!

I'm not arguing any more about whether or not I am engaged.  Until I have my ring, I'm not. 

My sister had the NERVE to message SO while we were away last week and tell him what date we should get engaged!  (5/23, because of my numbers thing)  So since I was getting my nails done that day, we thought it would be funny to text her a pic of my naked hand just to say hey, nice huh?

My nails do look good, though ;-)

[Deleted User]

H asked my parents for their blessing before he proposed to me. Yes it's an old fashioned thing to do but H felt that he needed to have this conversation with them prior to asking me to marry him since my parents didn't know that he was planning to propose within that week and he wanted them to be aware of what he was planning. I don't think H sat down at the table and asked flat out, "Can I marry your daughter?" He just talked to them and told them his intentions for us. My dad is sort of old fashioned anyways so I think he appreciated it and welcomed him to the family. Then he said that he needed to talk to my Mom too lol.

I thought it was a nice gesture for him to talk to them and I don't think it makes me feel any less of an adult. 

BreMR

Phew, I'm glad that I wasn't alone in thinking asking permission was unnecessary.  Now I won't beat myself up over it.

bethsmiles

Kelani23 said:

Dignity100 said:

Kelani23 said:

I don't want to publicly acknowledge any level of engagement without a ring (and hey, maybe not even then bc I do not want to really plan!), so here we are.

I don't regret starting to prepare my BFF, however!

I'd rather get more of her nonsense out of the way beforehand.

Plus teasing my sister, who is more excited for an engagement than I am is FUN! lol

To the bolded:
There aren't really levels of engagement.  You either ARE or you are NOT. 

If you're actively planning and have a date and all that stuff, even if you have not told a sold, you're engaged. 

If you're BF has not asked you, but you both are actively looking at wedding stuff and picking stuff out, that sounds like a mutual agreement that you are going to get married.  The question of 'Will you marry me' is NOT needed to be engaged.

If you are teasing your sister about the engagement stuff, you're probably a little more excited then you're letting yourself believe you are.

Sorry, missed this before!

I'm not arguing any more about whether or not I am engaged.  Until I have my ring, I'm not. 

My sister had the NERVE to message SO while we were away last week and tell him what date we should get engaged!  (5/23, because of my numbers thing)  So since I was getting my nails done that day, we thought it would be funny to text her a pic of my naked hand just to say hey, nice huh?

My nails do look good, though ;-)

This doesn't really strike me as something to be upset about. It sounds like she was saying "Hey Kelani has a thing about the number 23, wouldn't it be fun if you proposed on that date, she'd love it" It seems pretty much the same as a sister or friend showing your BF pictures of a ring you said you really liked.

Swazzle

Kelani23 said:

Dignity100 said:

Kelani23 said:

I don't want to publicly acknowledge any level of engagement without a ring (and hey, maybe not even then bc I do not want to really plan!), so here we are.

I don't regret starting to prepare my BFF, however!

I'd rather get more of her nonsense out of the way beforehand.

Plus teasing my sister, who is more excited for an engagement than I am is FUN! lol

To the bolded:
There aren't really levels of engagement.  You either ARE or you are NOT. 

If you're actively planning and have a date and all that stuff, even if you have not told a sold, you're engaged. 

If you're BF has not asked you, but you both are actively looking at wedding stuff and picking stuff out, that sounds like a mutual agreement that you are going to get married.  The question of 'Will you marry me' is NOT needed to be engaged.

If you are teasing your sister about the engagement stuff, you're probably a little more excited then you're letting yourself believe you are.

Sorry, missed this before!

I'm not arguing any more about whether or not I am engaged.  Until I have my ring, I'm not. 

My sister had the NERVE to message SO while we were away last week and tell him what date we should get engaged!  (5/23, because of my numbers thing)  So since I was getting my nails done that day, we thought it would be funny to text her a pic of my naked hand just to say hey, nice huh?

My nails do look good, though ;-)

luckya23

I do see your point, (although my obsession with it is quite well known!), but we're both kind of unlikely to be dictated to like that, especially by my wedding-obsessed sister, so making suggestions kind of negates the possibility of it happening that way!  Plus it was the day before my friend's wedding that we were traveling for, so it would have been extra weird without a ring, like hey we decided this on the car ride over here!   

Wanting to have a concrete date is also why I'm not like "oh we got engaged sometime in the last month we've been discussing it."  Nope.  The day my ring is ready and on my finger will be the date we got engaged!

Here's hoping for 6/23 I guess ;-)

(I don't know exactly how long it takes a ring to come in and get set, but that's not looking too likely either... 7/23 is my ultimate lucky number though!)

loves2shop4shoes

I explicitly told DH, "This is not 1412 and I do not come with a goat.  Don't you DARE ask for permission.  If you insist on being traditional, you can ask for their BLESSING, and that's it."

So he asked my parents and brother for their blessing. 

luckya23

And I wasn't really upset, we just thought it was silly.

She had "done the math" like 5/23/14: 2+3 = 5, 23=23, and 1+4=5=2+3

And that day she asked periodically throughout the day, so once we got to Raleigh and I got my nails done, it was like SORRY NOT YET! lol

luckya23

loves2shop4shoes said:

I explicitly told DH, "This is not 1412 and I do not come with a goat.  Don't you DARE ask for permission.  If you insist on being traditional, you can ask for their BLESSING, and that's it."

So he asked my parents and brother for their blessing. 

NO GOAT???? :-(

GoldenPenguin

FI didn't ask my parents for permission or a blessing. I told him explicitly that he didn't need to. I'm fucking 33 years old, we've been together for a while, and they knew we were ring shopping - if they had any concerns, they would have brought them up. 

Also, he proposed during the one week in the last like four months that I didn't have my nails done. And they STILL look like crap. The ring is so beautiful, no one even notices.