Engagement Envy

justbeingme93

I have been dating my boyfriend for six years. He is truly a wonderful man. I know he is exactly what I want in a husband and father of my future children. We talk about marriage often, and we both know it is in our future. We will be seniors in college this upcoming year. We discussed that we do not want to get engaged or married while in college. I know we have a plan, and it is a reasonable plan. We are being smart. 

However, I am struggling with a little bit of envy. Some of our friends have been getting engaged, and every time I see an announcement... I can't help but feel envious. I want to be truly happy for our friends, but it is so difficult. We will be attending two of our mutual friends' weddings this summer. How do I truly enjoy their big days, without succumbing to jealousy. It is so petty; I realize that. 

Does anyone have some tips or similar personal experiences they can share?

CLoGreenEyes

Hello and welcome to NEY!

I can understand the stab of jealousy. It's entirely possible to be happy for people you care about but also have it trigger a little longing in your own life. But you don't have to stay stuck with that feeling. Here's what has helped me in the past:

1) Your friends' engagements and weddings aren't a verdict on your relationship, and it's important to remember that. Their relationship status doesn't lessen yours at all. If you truly love what you have in your BF every day, then you have what you really need.

2) You are making a great decision for yourself and your BF! It sounds like you guys are still fairly young, and like you have certain goals you each want to accomplish first. That is AWESOME. Own that and be proud of it! When you have a strong foundation for a healthy marriage someday, based on the identities you have formed, having steady careers and incomes, etc., you will thank yourselves. Trust that you are doing exactly what you need to be doing right now.

3) When all else fails...just remember that wedding planning is not all fun and games. After watching my best friend plan her wedding and get married recently, and seeing a whole bunch of friends get engaged as we prepare to graduate from nursing school, I am QUITE content in my engagement-less life. :P You are at a great point in your relationship where you get to enjoy each other without a whole lot of external stressors on it, so make the most of this time! Someday you will be dealing with houses, budgets, each other's families, kids, etc. on a whole other level than probably even seems possible. Enjoy this period of it being just the two of you and not much pressure.

4) Also, in a relationship, it is easy to lose yourself in the whole thing. I think that is possible whether you're dating, committed, engaged, or married. If you need to distract yourself from being jealous, I think that's a great time to focus on a hobby or a class, work out and eat right, and generally put energy into yourself and meeting your own needs. I find that often, I can lessen my jealousy by working on my own happiness and contentedness. It makes it easier to be happy for everyone else's good news, because I also recognize the good things in my own life and am happy for myself too.

5) Finally, I think this is a great place to hang out and be distracted from anxiousness/jealousy when it comes to engagements and weddings. So stick around here and let us talk you off a ledge!

What are you and your BF studying in school? How did you guys meet?

bethsmiles

I can understand a small twinge of jealousy when they first announce it. But I don't understand not being able to enjoy their wedding day because of your own jealousy.

Everyone's relationships move at different speeds. I've been with my BF for almost 6 years. Pretty much all of my friends from high school are married and having kids. Which is fine for them but I've enjoyed all the time I get to have dating BF. I know we have goals we want to meet before getting engaged and that we are doing what is best for us, so why should I care what other couples are doing?

I think @CLoGreenEyes has a good point that it's easy to lose yourself in your relationship. Try doing something new, taking up a new hobby, find a new life goal to work toward. Weddings are not the only thing in life worth pushing toward.

For example, my friends got married and had kids before me. Yes, those are things I want someday but it's not like I don't have things in my life that they don't (like getting my master's degree). So just be happy your friends are happy and don't put it in the perspective of well I can't be happy they got something I want because it's not like it will never happen and it's not a race.

blabla89

Hey! Welcome!

I totally know that feeling, the little stab in the chest when a friend first announces that she's engaged, and it hurts because that feels like it should be you and like your missing out or falling behind. At least that's how it felt for me?

You can still be happy for your friend, even with that little stabby feeling. Ultimately whether it persists and ruins your enjoyment of your friend's wedding day is totally up to you. It can only make you feel bitter if you let it, but if you make yourself stop thinking that way then it will pass. So instead of dwelling on what you don't have, enjoy what you do have. Take a deep breath and remember that it's not a race. The timing for you and your BF is unique, just like your relationship, your engagement, and your wedding will be unique.

Remember that you have a wonderful man, and a solid plan, and that your engagement is coming when the time is right. When that time comes, you will be the center of just as much love and attention as your friend is getting. You have friends who want you to be a part of their wedding day, and that's awesome! You can go to the wedding, be happy for your friend, and have a good time with your BF there. Enjoy this time with your BF and don't focus so much on getting engaged. It's a great time, so don't let it pass you by. Make the most of this sweet time before everyone is asking you about wedding stuff and all your weekends are booked with vendor meetings.

I hope that helps!

phira

When I was in college, one of my friends got engaged our senior year. I'm not suggesting that she and her fiance were the only two people at our mid-size university who had gotten engaged during those 4 years, but she was the only person I met who was a traditional undergraduate who was even engaged.

And I was jealous. I was single at the time, and I hadn't had any tiny little bit of anything resembling action since I'd gotten dumped a year and a half earlier. I thought of all these reasons why it made no sense that she was engaged, and how they weren't even that good together, and why did they "get" something that I didn't get to have.

Fast forward to last year. I was happily in a relationship, planning my own engagement ... and still getting irritated and jealous every time another announcement (engagement, marriage, kids, whatever) popped up on Facebook. I'm still a little disappointed that two of my cousins are getting married before me, especially since one of them got engaged after me.

I'm older now, and it's easier to deal with jealousy than it was years ago in college. When you're younger, whenever someone else hits some sort of desirably milestone before you, you get this sneaky little feeling, this entirely bullshit feeling, that everyone else is miles ahead of you. You feel like, "Well, what's wrong with me that I didn't get this milestone as early as they did?" These days, it's easier to remind myself that, well, I'm getting to that milestone at the right time for me. I don't wish I had moved in with and married my college boyfriend (or my high school boyfriend, although honestly, had we been dating 10 years after we did, we might have worked out nicely). I'm glad I wasn't married by the time I was 23 or 24 because then I wouldn't have met my partner when I was 25. I'm glad I didn't rush to marry him because I was trying to hit the milestone before I hit a certain age.

The best way I recommend dealing with jealousy, since you're still in college, is two parts. First, remind yourself that you're feeling jealous because you're comparing your relationship to another relationship, which is a totally bullshit thing to do. Your relationship is entirely different from these other relationships--you're comparing apples and oranges (at best--maybe even comparing apples to buffalo). Remember that if you're unhappy about your own relationship, it should be because there are things about your relationship that aren't working for you, and not because you're happy BUT other people have something you don't have.

The second part is, and I might get some shit for this, I'm pretty sure you're going to look back on this situation and think, "Whyyyyy did I want to get married in COLLEGE? Why did THEY want to get married in college?!" Oh my goodness. I can't even imagine getting married so young.

As for my friend who got engaged our senior year? Her fiance proposed to her to show her that he was committed to her. Because he was incapable of really showing through the rest of his actions that he was committed. A year later, she put the engagement on hold and went to counseling with him, and a year after that, she ended the relationship.

lilacck28

phira said:

The second part is, and I might get some shit for this, I'm pretty sure you're going to look back on this situation and think, "Whyyyyy did I want to get married in COLLEGE? Why did THEY want to get married in college?!" Oh my goodness. I can't even imagine getting married so young.

As for my friend who got engaged our senior year? Her fiance proposed to her to show her that he was committed to her. Because he was incapable of really showing through the rest of his actions that he was committed. A year later, she put the engagement on hold and went to counseling with him, and a year after that, she ended the relationship.

No "shit" coming from here. I met fiance a few months after I graduated from college. He had been out of college for over a year. I feel pretty strongly that our relationship progressed as quickly and seamlessly as it did because we met AFTER college. I know logically that there are high school and college relationships that work out in a happily ever after and a strong marriage. But there are very few of those that I have ever seen in real life*. You are in a bubble in college. It is a wonderful bubble. But it is amazing how quickly your perception of yourself, others, and what you desire for yourself shifts once you leave. I think it is a VERY good idea to wait until you leave the college bubble before getting engaged, so you can see if your relationship grows with the change in perspective that comes with that considerable step in life. 

 *I personally know one couple that has been dating since they were freshmen in college, and living together since they graduated. They are a wonderful couple. I think they're planning to get engaged/ married in a few years? 

BreMR

I know exactly how you feel, I have been with my fiance since we were just shy of 16 and we are now 28, we JUST got engaged last week and I had plenty of friends get engaged and married to people they knew for less time than I had been with my boyfriend. A few of those marriages have already failed, some have been called off before, one is remarried, and one is still with her husband.  I use to say "I need to be married by 24, first kid by 25 and done having kids by 30"  I had my first surprise baby at 21, engaged at 28.. and I wouldn't have changed a bit of it.

*except the past year has been brutal waiting for an engagement because I actually knew it was coming*

You probably won't be able to stop yourself from feeling the way you do, but you can stop how you let it affect your life.  Don't let it stop you from enjoying your friends moments of happiness.

bride2b71614

Hi and welcome!

@phira made a great point about how the mind creates unintentional negative irrational thoughts when you start comparing yourself to friends that may have reached a desirable milestone before you. It happens. I understand feeling jealous, hell I think we all have felt jealous of someone at some point in our lives, be it because of an engagement, a job promotion, a friend who posted awesome vacation photos on Facebook, your next door neighbor who received the power wheels barbie jeep you wanted forever before you...you get the idea. 

Its extremely easy to compare yourself to others, and its even easier to compare your relationship to others when you see engagements happening left and right, and when STDs, and wedding invitations start flooding your mail box. I would like to point out that you made the decision with your SO to hold off on getting engaged until you've graduated college. Because you made this decision together (and were not coerced by others to make this decision), you have to acknowledge that this is a decision that works for you as a couple. Thus, its somewhat irrational for you to be jealous of other couples (which you acknowledge, and I commend you for that). What I don't understand is how your decision could possibly influence you so much that its difficult for you to attend your mutual friends' weddings. 

To me, weddings are about celebrating the couple, and their future happiness/marriage. I would be genuinely shocked if you would be unable to put aside your jealous emotions for a few hours to dress up, eat food, dance your ass off, eat cake, and drink booze (given that your hosts provide it). So when you are at your friend's weddings, my advice would be to divert the focal point away from yourself/your relationship. Its only one day, for a few hours, these few hours have no effect on you, your happiness, or your relationship. Keeping that in mind, the decision you've made as a couple will come in handy when you decide its time to get married. 

Dignity100

You've gotten great advice.  I think it's super smart for you guys to wait until your out of school before getting engaged and start getting settled into your new careers.  After graduation, it's A LOT of change all at once and honestly, I'm so glad I wasn't planning a wedding in the midst of all of it.

Being engaged or married does NOT make your relationship any more or less valid.    It is hard to see others get engaged and married before you, especially when you have been together longer.  I've been with my FI since late 2007, we are in our mid-30's.  We've seen many of our friends start their relationship and then get married while we've been together.  I had many of those 'It's just not going to happen for me - let me go to the shelter and pick out about 5 cats that'll get along ok' moments.  Just remember every relationship moves at its own pace and there are valid goals/accomplishments/achievements that you and your BF have set in place that will make things SO much easier when your relationship is ready for that next step.

GuitarSlayer

FI and I realize that if we had met each other any sooner in our lives -- before the ages of 25 and 26 -- we would have hated each other.  He was a paranoid anger management disaster and I was still not finished getting the "stupids" out of me that I should have done in college.  He's mentioned that he's regretful that we wouldn't have had as many years together as others; we're both 27/28, but he's coming from Texas, where the average age of marriage is 23ish, while I'm from NY/NJ, where it's 28ish.  Again, culture thing; I reassured him that my family lives for 80+ years, so I will be able to nag him for at least 50 years, pending his own mortality.

I also pointed out we wouldn't appreciated each other without the screw-ups in between.  I heard somewhere that by your late 20s, you are the person you are going to be forever -- as PP have said, college is a bubble, and you are NOT the same person you will be in 5 years. 

@justbeingme93, I'm a PhD student, and the partner and I have agreed that at least one of us has to be done before we wed. Focus on stabilizing your lives and your shared future -- employment, savings, residence, etc.  The 'status' element -- engagement -- will come eventually, but work on the things that actually will make you a couple for 20, 30, 40, 50, 60+ years.  Also, I have seen many women get engaged and drop out at all levels of education -- bachelors, masters, and PhD -- in order to either save for a wedding or to help put her hubby though.  This is a dumb idea.  Wait, so you can have your degree and wedding cake and eat it all too. 

justbeingme93

@GuitarSlayer, 

Thank you, so much, for your kind words and advice. You stated, "I heard somewhere that by your late 20s, you are the person you are going to be forever -- as PP have said, college is a bubble, and you are NOT the same person you will be in 5 years." I really like the message that you are conveying in this section of your response. I am able to recognize that the person I am at 21 is not the person I will be at 30. Accordingly, I am able to recognize that the person my BF is at 22 is not the person he will be at 30. As such, our relationship with each other will not be the same. I am ok with that. In fact, I welcome that possibility with open arms. We have been together for six years. He is not the same boy that I started dating many years ago (I thank God for that every day! haha). If he was the same person he was when we started dating, I wouldn't consider marrying him. In the same way, I know that he wouldn't consider marrying the girl I was when we first starting dating. I have enjoyed the process of "growing up" with him the last few years. I know that we can handle transitional stages as a strong couple (e.g., moving away to separate colleges in 2011). I am excited and blessed to have the opportunity to see the way he evolves as a man in the "real world". 

eilis1228

Everyone else has hit the nail on the head. I just want to reiterate that it's not a race to the altar. Sometimes I have to remind myself of this as well when I have my own jealous feelings, but just because someone gets engaged before you do doesn't mean your relationship is somehow worse than theirs. People get engaged for all sorts of reasons, some wrong and some right, but their actions have nothing to do with your relationship. A proposal will come when the time is right. For you, that may be a ways away since you're still in college. In the meantime, try to enjoy this exciting time in your life. Your last year of college, finding and starting a job, discovering new hobbies and passions, etc... a lot happens when you leave college. Life is 100% different, at least for me, so just try and enjoy the ride for now.