Is there a tactful way to tell people I'm not changing my name?

jessieperlka

No one on my side is even considering that I am changing my name, but it seems that his side just assumes I am. They are much more traditional than we are which is fine, just not what I want for me. My fiance knows and doesn't care but it doesn't seem like he told anyone in his family or his friends and we have gotten a few monogrammed or personalized gifts recently. I don't think so, but is there any very tactful, subtle and polite way to let people know I am not changing my name BEFORE the wedding and gifts start arriving? We will be introduced at the reception by our own names, but just trying to head this thing off. I will drop it for now if there isn't, but would love some advice. I also don't want his family and friends to think I'm the wicked witch of the west.

[Deleted User]

I say don't worry about it. Give them less time to talk about it and let them find out at the wedding.

KatieinBkln

I guess I'd go with, "Oh, I'm not actually changing my name. How 'bout this bean dip?" Not changing your name isn't a bomb you're dropping; it's pretty common these days ("these days" meaning since about 1970, if my mother's stories are right). If people on his side react with shock, all you have to do is be really blandly surprised by their reaction and change the subject. It's not up for discussion, right? It's just a fact. If you say it as such, no one's feelings should be hurt, and you haven't been rude or anything. If they are bothered, it's really their problem to work out, not yours.

emmyg65

If anyone brings it up, just say, "Oh, we're both keeping our names," with a smile and change the subject. That's also the best response when people ask you (or make assumptions) after the wedding. Don't worry about it too much, though.

elkay

emmyg65's advice is good. 

The classic way, and what I did, is to add an "At Home" card to your invitation. This evolved in, oh,19th century or earlier, when well-to-do couples took a Grand Tour honeymoon that could last for months. The At Home would say "Mr. & Mrs. Herman Honeycutt will receive guests at 1234 New House Street, Our Town, after July 24."

I used my At Home card to specify our names and correct address. It said "Mr. Herman Hisname and Ms. Sally Myname will be at home at 1234 Our Street, Our Town 98765 after July 24." 

Not that it worked totally. The following year we attended a cousin's daughter's wedding, and found our place cards at dinner said Mr. Herman Hisname and Mrs. Sally Hisname. I wondered aloud who that non-existent woman might be, and my cousin said "Oh, but that's your LEGAL name, right, and you just use your old one for show." Ummm, NO. This cousin's sister had kept her own name when she married, so it was not a new idea for the family.

elkay

p.s.  - I have said a couple of times (not around the twit cousin)  that I think of myself as Mrs. Herman, and he is Mr.Sally, but there is no such person as Mrs. Hisname so I will not respond to that.

CrazyCatLady3

emmyg65 said:

If anyone brings it up, just say, "Oh, we're both keeping our names," with a smile and change the subject. That's also the best response when people ask you (or make assumptions) after the wedding. Don't worry about it too much, though.

@emmyg65 I love this!  It makes people question their assumptions that the man's name stays the same while the woman's name changes.

emmyg65

@CrazyCatLady3, it also changes the default to be "keep name" not "change name"! It's a wonderful little flip. All credit goes to Meg Keene over at A Practical Wedding.

jessieperlka

Thanks everyone. I am not so much worried what people will think of me, I just want them to stop getting personalized things with the wrong name. but the truth is, I am not much for using personalized items anyway, so I just won't use them if I get more.