Gluten free - an annoying guest rant

melbenso

Hi, OP here.  Wanted to clear up a few things:

First, I have confirmed with FI's aunt that she (and her son) does (do) not have celiacs or even a gluten intolerance.  They are on a diet. (And he's nearly 20, so he can pick his own meal and stick to the diet if he wants to.)  Since she stopped eating gluten, she has lost 20 pounds.  (Cutting carbs has been known to do that.)

Second, Aunt has known what the meal choices were since late March.  We sent our invites out earlier than usual because a snafu with our room block meant rooms availability was only guaranteed until 2 months before the wedding.  She did not ask me, my FI, or FMIL, who she talks to every week or two, about the meal choices or her gluten inquiries at any point in the two and a half months between us sending invitations and the RSVP deadline.  It was only after I contacted her to see if she was coming, when we had not received her RSVP, that she even brought it up.

Third, I have not at any point said that FI's Aunt should just eat before/after she came to the wedding, not serve her food, etc.  I am checking with the caterer to see if either option is gluten free or can be made gluten free without adding to our costs. It may not be possible to accommodate her gluten request at this point without raising our costs. 

Fourth, my venue will charge me if I add another meal option, even if it is for one or two people.  They will add an additional $1 fee to every plate served.  I am not paying several hundred dollars more to accommodate the voluntary diet of one person.  This is an unreasonable expectation on her part. If both meals are not gluten free and cannot be made gluten free without raising our costs, then aunt will have to choose between one of the meals we have selected.

Fifth, in her email she told me she might have a small piece of our gluten-containing cake, which makes me think she isn't as gluten free as she claims to be.  If she can eat cake, she can deal with breading on chicken. 

If there is no gluten free option available, and because she has no medical reason not to eat gluten - she is just on a diet - she can remove the light breading from the chicken or risotto cakes if she does not want to eat it.  According to FI, FMIL, and everyone who knows Aunt well (I've met her several times over the years, but only for brief periods.), Aunt is a bit of a drama queen and this is her typical M.O.  Both FI and FMIL said if she doesn't like what's in the main course, she can decide not to eat it.  There will be plenty of gluten free apps and sides if she chooses not to eat chicken or risotto cakes because they are lightly breaded and she doesn't want to pick the breading off.

Aside from her new gluten diet shenanigans, Aunt is a sweet lady.  I like her and I want her to enjoy our wedding.  It's just that her expectations regarding the food are not reasonable, especially considering when she decided to voice them.

tammym1001

@melbenso - I was referring to pp's who kept saying she should eat before she came or bring food with her when I said that would be rude. I knew you never said that.

Thank you for coming back to clarify some things though. I do think it was rude of your aunt to wait so long and then spring this on you at the last minute and you have every right to be irritated by that. I was just amazed at all the people saying she needed to bring her own food to your wedding

melbenso

@tammym1001, I know.  I haven't had the chance to check this for a few days and various PP were debating the specifics of some of the situation, so I thought I'd clarify them.

And honestly, there is a part of me that would like to tell her to bring her own food.  I would never do that.  But I'm awfully annoyed, as is FI, who suggested we feed his aunt a plate of twigs and leaves.

ladyamanuet

Sorry, @tammym1001, I didn't realize you were talking about the people who were saying she should eat beforehand or bring her own food. I thought you were talking about OP not going out of her way to provide an entirely separate gluten free dish, because you kept mentioning all the accommodations you made...

I agree with you that she shouldn't just tell her FI's aunt to eat beforehand. But at this late time in the game, I also think it is on aunt to work around what is offered if a gluten free option is not available, not on the OP to spend hundreds of dollars on two gluten free plates.

@melbenso I think your FI has the right idea with the twigs and leaves

lkristenj

I just wanted to clarify that I don't think anyone should suggest to a guest (not that it's what OP is doing) to eat beforehand or afterward.

I was speaking about myself and if I know that food will be a problem, I take it upon myself to do just that. I have learned through the years to do what I need to do to make sure my needs are taken care of. If that means I go eat before or after, that's fine and my choice. I can fend for myself.

Just as it would be rude of a host to suggest that I eat elsewhere, it would also be rude of me to count on a host to accommodate my strangeness. They can't tell me that "you can't eat here even though we invited you but everyone else can" but they can offer me the same meal as everyone else and let me choose whether or not to eat it. I can't tell them "you must bend to my weird dietary habits" but I can decide for myself if I need to eat before or after because the menu is not to my liking. If either party were to try to force the other, that's when it becomes an issue, in my opinion.