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Let's play "Should this upset me?"

Our wedding was a week ago, and we've been on our honeymoon since. The wedding was beautiful and everything we ever wanted. Of course, there were small things that went wrong, but nothing that significantly tarnished the day. I am very happy with the way it turned out.

That being said, two "dramas" happened. I am quite prepared to bury them under the rug and never worry about them again, but for the sake of entertainment, let's play "Should this upset me?" Warning - LONG.

1) Our wedding was on my brother's birthday. We asked him if that was okay before we even picked the date, but our venue had it open, it was a Saturday, and things fell into place. He was completely fine with it. We planned to maybe have the DJ do a little announcement later in the evening during the dancing.

However, before a single toast, before the cake was cut, almost immediately after we were announced into dinner, a "friend of the family" (an older gentleman who thinks highly of my brother) stood up, called the attention of the whole room, toasted my brother, and made all of us sing Happy Birthday.

I am generally not an AW, but this stung. My dad hadn't even given the welcome toast at that point, and here everyone's attention was pulled to my brother's birthday. I am not upset with my brother, surely, but should I be upset with the guy who toasted it?

2) One of DH's oldest friends, a girl, "Lisa" was dating a guy, "Bart." Well, DH and Bart became close as a result of this relationship, and Bart was asked to be a groomsman. Bart works at a job that requires him to deploy 4 months at a time, and he got back home 2 weeks before the wedding. 3 weeks before our wedding, Lisa broke up with Bart, which was very much unexpected by Bart. He was horribly hurt, but put on a happy face for us. Both were still invited to the wedding, of course, and neither was given a +1, as they were together when invites went out, and single to our knowledge at the time of the wedding. Well, Lisa came to the ceremony. She then asked Bart if they could "talk" during cocktail, hashed it out with him (she had not seen him since he got home, by her choice), then left. Before dinner.

So, not only did she cost us money for attending (which we would have paid, for her to attend, but her plate was wasted), but she dragged a groomsman into a fight about their relationship AT OUR WEDDING. Should I be upset? This was a friend, but I feel that behavior was uncalled for. Just FYI, she had specifically told us (unprompted) that despite breaking up with him, she would not cause drama at our wedding. It honestly was not a concern of ours, though I guess it should have been.

So, verdict? I am fine with hearing that I should not be upset, but WWYD?

Re: Let's play "Should this upset me?"

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    IMathlete said:
    Our wedding was a week ago, and we've been on our honeymoon since. The wedding was beautiful and everything we ever wanted. Of course, there were small things that went wrong, but nothing that significantly tarnished the day. I am very happy with the way it turned out.

    That being said, two "dramas" happened. I am quite prepared to bury them under the rug and never worry about them again, but for the sake of entertainment, let's play "Should this upset me?" Warning - LONG.

    1) Our wedding was on my brother's birthday. We asked him if that was okay before we even picked the date, but our venue had it open, it was a Saturday, and things fell into place. He was completely fine with it. We planned to maybe have the DJ do a little announcement later in the evening during the dancing.

    However, before a single toast, before the cake was cut, almost immediately after we were announced into dinner, a "friend of the family" (an older gentleman who thinks highly of my brother) stood up, called the attention of the whole room, toasted my brother, and made all of us sing Happy Birthday.

    I am generally not an AW, but this stung. My dad hadn't even given the welcome toast at that point, and here everyone's attention was pulled to my brother's birthday. I am not upset with my brother, surely, but should I be upset with the guy who toasted it?

    2) One of DH's oldest friends, a girl, "Lisa" was dating a guy, "Bart." Well, DH and Bart became close as a result of this relationship, and Bart was asked to be a groomsman. Bart works at a job that requires him to deploy 4 months at a time, and he got back home 2 weeks before the wedding. 3 weeks before our wedding, Lisa broke up with Bart, which was very much unexpected by Bart. He was horribly hurt, but put on a happy face for us. Both were still invited to the wedding, of course, and neither was given a +1, as they were together when invites went out, and single to our knowledge at the time of the wedding. Well, Lisa came to the ceremony. She then asked Bart if they could "talk" during cocktail, hashed it out with him (she had not seen him since he got home, by her choice), then left. Before dinner.

    So, not only did she cost us money for attending (which we would have paid, for her to attend, but her plate was wasted), but she dragged a groomsman into a fight about their relationship AT OUR WEDDING. Should I be upset? This was a friend, but I feel that behavior was uncalled for. Just FYI, she had specifically told us (unprompted) that despite breaking up with him, she would not cause drama at our wedding. It honestly was not a concern of ours, though I guess it should have been.

    So, verdict? I am fine with hearing that I should not be upset, but WWYD?
    1) I would let it go. I am sure that many of your guests thought what he did was inappropriate and poor timing as well. So basically he made himself look like an ass. 

    2) I would be upset with this. Mainly because this was a friend and she should have been adult enough to act maturely for one day. She could have spoken to her ex at some other point in the evening (like towards the end of the night) or made arrangements with him to get things off her chest at a later date. What she did was very immature and quite rude.  I would feel compelled to tell her that you didn't appreciate it having it out with her ex at your wedding and that she should have found a more suitable time to deal with her issues.  As for her leaving before dinner I would just let part go, because really any of your guests could have had an emergency come up or had to leave before dinner for whatever reason thus costing you money on an uneaten meal.

  • Maggie0829 I will be letting the first go, for sure. I will never mention that it upset me to him, or anyone but DH.

    I am debating saying something to the friend. She certainly hurt us by choosing that time for her confrontation, and the GM was visibly shaken. I am not worried about the cost of her plate; we had other no-shows as well. More than anything, her leaving before dinner meant that we didn't even see her. The only reason we know she attended at all was the GM letting us know.
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Let the bday thing go. You did nothing wrong, brother did nothing wrong. I am sure the friend thought it would be fun and didn't meany anything by it. I get why you would be bothered, though.

    The friend thing is another story- I had a friend ("Bob") come to my sister's wedding who dated one of her BMs "Sally" (a very old friend of ours). They had broken up at least a year prior, but Bob was in no way over her. He got plastered and basically chased her around. We had to run interference all night- not only was it annoying, he made several scenes. It was just disgusting. He called me a week after to talk about something unrelated and I told him I didn't want to talk to him again until he apologized to both my sister, her husband, and my parents. "Bob" was an old family friend and pretty close to my parents, so he could've easily picked up the phone and called them. We literally went FIVE YEARS without speaking a word to each other.

    He recently had a kid and I emailed him to say congrats. He responded that he was still so embarrassed about what happened at her wedding - he never did apologize and it pretty much ruined our friendship. I just can't support that kind of behavior.

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  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Both situations would have bothered me. How did that guy know if you had something planned or not (which you did)? 

    And I would say something to Lisa. 

    IMathlete
  • I would DEFINITELY say something to the friend, because it sounds like she only came to your wedding to confront the ex, which would really upset me.  I get that everyone has shit going on in their lives, which is why I don't expect my wedding to be the number one priority for anyone. But if you can't put aside your shit with your ex THAT YOU DUMPED for a few hours to celebrate my new marriage - I would seriously be evaluating my friendship with that person. 

    I wouldn't search out the friend of the family to say anything to him, but I won't lie, knowing myself, if we were at a family gathering and something about the wedding came up, it would take a lot of self control to not say something then.  But I wouldn't track him down to do it.  I WOULD however specifically call your friend to discuss her behavior, because that's rude and insulting to your friendship.
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  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I think you are justified in being upset about both of those things, but at this point there's nothing to do but let it go. However, I wouldn't be friends with Lisa anymore and I sure wouldn't invite to anything ever again.
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  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'd be upset about both, but there's nothing that can be done (which is even more irritating).

    It might seem like oh, whatever about the birthday thing, but the fact is that you and your new spouse are the guests of honor at your wedding. It's a party celebrating you two. Brother's birthday? Comes second. Starting the reception with birthday stuff set the wrong tone for the reception, interrupted the flow of the night (which wouldn't have happened had it been done at the end of the night), and was confusing for guests who were not your family. Obviously, this older family friend is oblivious, which is why there's nothing that can or should be done, but that's why it stings. You're not an attention whore or upset about your thunder being stolen. It was something that threw off your reception.

    As for Lisa's behavior, my sister does similar stuff. Some people really don't have a little voice in their head that says, "Hey let's not have an intense conversation about a touchy subject at this important event." If anything, I'd just distance myself from her.
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  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln (NO SLEEP TIL) Brooklyn! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    If you're close enough to Lisa that you want to remain friends, I agree with PPs who say to talk to her. (I think my opening line for that conversation would be: "Girl, WHAT.") But if you're happy letting her friendship die, there's nothing wrong with doing the slow fade/distancing yourself. 

    I don't think you're wrong to be upset. It's not asking a lot of people to act like adults for one evening, and if Lisa couldn't hang with that she shouldn't have come at all. 

    As for the obnoxious birthday toast, I would have been annoyed. I would roll my eyes at the assumption that I wasn't even going to acknowledge my bro's birthday, but I'd be actually irritated that someone who isn't family/the host of the reception would think they have the right to do the first toast. Sit your ass down and enjoy your wine, dude. 
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  • Exactly @phira. The toast through off the reception, and the birthday celebration trumped and overshadowed the purpose of the reception. Most guests did not know my brother, but had to sing in his honor, which was awkward.

    I told DH this morning that I will let go of the friendship with Lisa. She and DH are/were closer, so he has decided simply not to pursue her. If she reaches out to him, he'll remain friends, but she has gotten very flaky since the breakup. I, on the other hand, will not reach or to her nor accept any invitations. I won't confront her or lash out, but I won't put effort into a friendship that I feel was not respected.
  • I think you're justified in being upset about both. The first of let go but I can't say that I wouldn't make a passive aggressive comment about it one day.

    The other issue would really bother me but how I'd handle it would depend on my relationship with her. If we are really close I'd probably talk to her and all her why she did that.
    IMathlete
  • phiraphira Bahstin member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    banana468 said:
    I think you're justified in being upset about both. The first of let go but I can't say that I wouldn't make a passive aggressive comment about it one day. The other issue would really bother me but how I'd handle it would depend on my relationship with her. If we are really close I'd probably talk to her and all her why she did that.
    Yeah, I'm pretty sure I would, too.
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2014
    The first guy was a jerk and I'd let it go. As far as Lisa, definitely that would make me angry. Why would she deliberately wreck fun party time for Bart? I'd be cooling my jets around her. She owes you an apology.

    Eta. We always expect divorced bride's parents to be adult and civil for their child for one day. Lisa couldn't even do that. Bart's lucky. 
    MairePoppy
  • wandajune6wandajune6 Chicago-ish member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    I'd be ticked about both things but I don't know that there's anything you can do about it.

    The toast was in bad taste. I'd imagine that someone has said something to the guy about it already. Just a guess though.

    As for the friends having a fight, that's totally inexcusable. However, I'd let it go. If someone's enough of an emotional wreck to start a fight at a wedding, that person isn't ready to be thoughtful. Plus, what's the point anyway? An apology doesn't really change anything.
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  • KaurisKauris member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    The toast was in bad taste and you clearly will be the bigger person and just move on. 

    The girl upsetting the GM and then bailing, is baffling to me. SHE broke up with HIM, yes? So what is the point in causing a stir at your wedding? So silly, I would definitely distance myself from her due to this silly behavior. Though it could have been worse. I attended a friends wedding a few years back, during the reception, we were all outside drinking and chatting, when out of nowhere, this guy, Jerry, punched this other guy Bob. Come to find out, Jerry's ex-girlfriend showed up with her new boyfriend, Bob, who she cheated with. Jerry couldn't contain himself and made a huge scene with police and all. Classy. So, at least there was not violence at your wedding! :)

  • @kasmith1 Yes, she broke up with him. She has been the one avoiding him, moved out of his house the morning he got back so he wouldn't see her, deleted all of her social media accounts. It's kinda baffling that she would pick that moment to deal with the situation, especially given her repeated (and unprompted) promises to be an adult about it and not cause any drama at the wedding.

    On a positive note, all of my bridesmaids decided they love this particular GM, so we had him dancing and smiling the entire rest of the night.
    Kauris
  • ScoutFScoutF member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    banana468 said:
    I think you're justified in being upset about both. The first of let go but I can't say that I wouldn't make a passive aggressive comment about it one day. The other issue would really bother me but how I'd handle it would depend on my relationship with her. If we are really close I'd probably talk to her and all her why she did that.
    I definitely would have said something about jumping the gun, especially since you already had plans to mention his birthday.
  •  Both are definitely inappropriate, and I'd be pissed at both situations. Although, for the sake of good memories, and not dwelling on it, I'd just let it go too! Being upset can't change it. On the same note though, I'd likely avoid said ex-g/f of this GM, for the next while. Give yourself some time to move forward from, (likely), wanting to push her down a flight of stairs. ;) 

     *J

     
    IMathlete
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