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My surprising reaction to a cash bar

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Re: My surprising reaction to a cash bar

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    I wouldn't actually say to anyone unless asked directly that I think a cash bar is rude.

    But here, in this forum, posters come looking for advice and sometimes validation, and to say that you had a surprising "I didn't care" reaction to something that is considered rude may be seen, if not by the actual bride and groom who did it, some lurking bride or groom looking for acceptability of it here as okay.  And that gives them what they perceive as "permission" to do it. 
    I did put in my op that cash bars are rude. I also stated that I was surprised by my reaction to it. I'm not justifying their cash bar. I just came on here to share my experience with my first one. People come on here all the time and share their experiences with cash bars, pot lucks, ppds, etc. Just because my experience with it was different than what people on here would like it to be doesn't mean I'm not allowed to share it.
    I'm actually not sure about that.  If this forum is supposed to promote correct etiquette, then sharing an opinion that one experienced an "okay" reaction to something we've spent a lot of time and energy explaining is an etiquette violation really might not be okay.  At least, while it may not be a TOS violation, it doesn't seem to be in keeping with promoting good etiquette.
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    I can't seem to post paragraphs for the life of me for days now.
    imageimageimage

    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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    doeydodoeydo member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    We have brides come on here all the time saying that their family and friends are perfectly OK with whatever rude thing it is that they are doing.  If someone notified me of a cash bar at their wedding I would have just said "Oh.  OK" not "Oh, awesome!  Cash bars FTW" sort of thing.  I mean, IRL, I will always find certain things rude, but I will most likely not voice my opinion on it unless asked.  
    image
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    biggrouch said:
    By saying "so what, you don't care," you perpetuate in their minds the idea that cash bars are okay.

    I would take this a step further, actually: OP, you are making the baby kittens cry every time you allow people to violate traditional etiquette without passive-aggressively notifying them that they have incurred, deservingly, the Dread Side-Eye (hopefully your own, but a hypothetical one is good enough if you have the gall not to side-eye such a sin yourself). I think you should know that what you did is analogous to hearing someone say, "I'm going to shoot my coworker tomorrow" and not trying to stop it. Do you want a bunch of people at some office tomorrow to die, OP? DO YOU? If not, why are you being so chill about a bunch of people having to pay for drinks?!
    What.  The.  Fuck.



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    Look, I thought about this more last night because I chimed in and supported OP.

    There are things that are against etiquette, period.  Much of the reason something's against etiquette is because of how it makes people in general feel.  
    We're not robots, and we're not perfect. We all behave and react differently in our own lives. 

    For me, my one friend with the cash bar is a truly wonderful person. She's one of the most sensitive, kind-hearted people I know.  One etiquette breach? Forgiven in an instant. 
    I know some not-so-wonderful people too. One (or usually more) etiquette breach(es)? Add it to the pile of reasons they piss me off and make me keep my distance. 

    Speshul snowflakes come on here claiming no one will care about their lack of etiquette, and we can never believe that because we don't know them in person. We will say something's against etiquette because of how it makes most people generally feel. We don't know if they're Practically Perfect like my dear friend or the Stupid Bitch From Hell like my now-former friend.  We can uphold etiquette as rules, advise against the risks of breaking rules, while still feeling differently about the rules in a variety of situations. 
    ________________________________


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    I think cash bars are awful, but I was in a wedding for my best friend and she had one. I didn't care at all. The wedding was a blast.
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    Jen4948 said:



    Jen4948 said:

    I wouldn't actually say to anyone unless asked directly that I think a cash bar is rude.

    But here, in this forum, posters come looking for advice and sometimes validation, and to say that you had a surprising "I didn't care" reaction to something that is considered rude may be seen, if not by the actual bride and groom who did it, some lurking bride or groom looking for acceptability of it here as okay.  And that gives them what they perceive as "permission" to do it. 

    I did put in my op that cash bars are rude. I also stated that I was surprised by my reaction to it. I'm not justifying their cash bar. I just came on here to share my experience with my first one. People come on here all the time and share their experiences with cash bars, pot lucks, ppds, etc. Just because my experience with it was different than what people on here would like it to be doesn't mean I'm not allowed to share it.

    I'm actually not sure about that.  If this forum is supposed to promote correct etiquette, then sharing an opinion that one experienced an "okay" reaction to something we've spent a lot of time and energy explaining is an etiquette violation really might not be okay.  At least, while it may not be a TOS violation, it doesn't seem to be in keeping with promoting good etiquette.

    You're not sure if I'm allowed to share my opinion on something that happened to me personally? Let me clear that up for you then: yes I absolutely am allowed to share my opinion on a public internet forum. If you don't think that's true, then please try to have my post removed or have me banned for having an opinion that's different than yours. That is so ridiculous!

    How rude of you to give your opinion. You should know that you may only discuss things that are done properly. And if you post something against etiquette then you better change your plans exactly the way people suggest you do. Otherwise you go to hell which obviously consists of gaps and cash bars.
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    I'm kind of confused. Did OP expect to fly into a rage and maul people something? I wouldn't be enraged at the cash bar either, but I WOULD feel smug as hell that I did a better job with my wedding.
    Yes.  She was supposed to magically go through the phone and ring the offenders neck until he conceded in not having a cash bar.  Doing any less would have meant a one way ticket to etiquette hell where a glass of water will cost you $20.

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    I'm kind of confused. Did OP expect to fly into a rage and maul people something? I wouldn't be enraged at the cash bar either, but I WOULD feel smug as hell that I did a better job with my wedding.
    ^^ This
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    @tammym1001 - From this point on just keep all personal feelings about anything off of the etiquette board because it is not allowed.  How dare you express your own personal opinion or experience about something when it goes against correct etiquette?!  You must now be a complete bitch to all your family and friends and correct any and all etiquette mistakes even if you are not asked for input because if you don't then you will be helping to perpetuate bad behavior.  So what if people think you are a horrible monster for sticking your nose in places that it doesn't belong, at least you won't get arrested by the wedding police for an accessory to a cash bar!

    (**this is of course said in jest Tammy)


    This is what I'm going to do from now on. Every person I encounter that talks about their wedding I will tell them they are rude ass bitches for everything and tell them I'm taking their gift back or I'm not coming to their wedding because they have etiquette breaches. I don't care if they've been my friend for 30 years and on the weekends they save orphaned kittens and they donate all their extra money to starving children. They made me pay for a drink, they must die!!!!!

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    @tammym1001 - From this point on just keep all personal feelings about anything off of the etiquette board because it is not allowed.  How dare you express your own personal opinion or experience about something when it goes against correct etiquette?!  You must now be a complete bitch to all your family and friends and correct any and all etiquette mistakes even if you are not asked for input because if you don't then you will be helping to perpetuate bad behavior.  So what if people think you are a horrible monster for sticking your nose in places that it doesn't belong, at least you won't get arrested by the wedding police for an accessory to a cash bar!

    (**this is of course said in jest Tammy)


    This is what I'm going to do from now on. Every person I encounter that talks about their wedding I will tell them they are rude ass bitches for everything and tell them I'm taking their gift back or I'm not coming to their wedding because they have etiquette breaches. I don't care if they've been my friend for 30 years and on the weekends they save orphaned kittens and they donate all their extra money to starving children. They made me pay for a drink, they must die!!!!!

    image
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    I'm kind of confused. Did OP expect to fly into a rage and maul people something? I wouldn't be enraged at the cash bar either, but I WOULD feel smug as hell that I did a better job with my wedding.

    Based on what people on here say about how they react to cash bars I thought that it would bother me and I would think less of my friend and judge the hell out of them. In my 35 years on this earth, I had never encountered a cash bar before so I was basing my assumed reaction on the experiences people have shared here. I was surprised by my real reaction.
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    My cousin had a cash bar at her wedding. I didn't know about it beforehand and only found out once the open bar during cocktail switched to cash. It bothered me and unfortunately it's one of the things that still stands out to me about her wedding 5 years later. 

    Did it make me love her less? Nope. I didn't tell her I thought it was rude. I kept that to myself. If she asked me directly about it, I would have shared my feelings. And if I knew about it beforehand, I wouldn't have skipped her wedding. She's my family. 
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    Jen4948 said:
    I wouldn't actually say to anyone unless asked directly that I think a cash bar is rude.

    But here, in this forum, posters come looking for advice and sometimes validation, and to say that you had a surprising "I didn't care" reaction to something that is considered rude may be seen, if not by the actual bride and groom who did it, some lurking bride or groom looking for acceptability of it here as okay.  And that gives them what they perceive as "permission" to do it. 
    I did put in my op that cash bars are rude. I also stated that I was surprised by my reaction to it. I'm not justifying their cash bar. I just came on here to share my experience with my first one. People come on here all the time and share their experiences with cash bars, pot lucks, ppds, etc. Just because my experience with it was different than what people on here would like it to be doesn't mean I'm not allowed to share it.
    I'm actually not sure about that.  If this forum is supposed to promote correct etiquette, then sharing an opinion that one experienced an "okay" reaction to something we've spent a lot of time and energy explaining is an etiquette violation really might not be okay.  At least, while it may not be a TOS violation, it doesn't seem to be in keeping with promoting good etiquette.
    You're not sure if I'm allowed to share my opinion on something that happened to me personally? Let me clear that up for you then: yes I absolutely am allowed to share my opinion on a public internet forum. If you don't think that's true, then please try to have my post removed or have me banned for having an opinion that's different than yours. That is so ridiculous!
    How rude of you to give your opinion. You should know that you may only discuss things that are done properly. And if you post something against etiquette then you better change your plans exactly the way people suggest you do. Otherwise you go to hell which obviously consists of gaps and cash bars.

    Stuck in box...

    I'm taking this post to be the sarcastic bullshit that it comes off as.
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    @katieinbkln - thank you for being so much better with the words than I am and being able to explain the reason for a post that goes against what a lot of the women on here think. I think you captured perfectly what I was trying to accomplish, which was to give my opinion on how I felt about something. I even indicated that I still think cash bars are rude and I certainly wasn't speaking for how anyone else would feel, but that seemed to get lost somewhere in my rambling somewhere :)
    image
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    New here.  My daughter will be getting married next year and both sides of the family think a cash bar is a great idea.  Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it and it helps people keep themselves in check.  Open bars lead to many drunk people and the potential for a ruined reception.  It is a particularly good option for me because my husband passed away very unexpectedly last year.  I've been a stay at home mom for over a decade and now having to work at 51 years old to try and stay afloat and pay for her wedding is extremely hard. 

    Obviously, I've left myself wide open here, so please GENTLY share your thoughts.  I've been to many weddings that have cash bars.
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    Thank you, KatieinBkln.  
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    This is a difficult occasion for all of us and while you may be correct in your statement, Maggie0829, I will do everything within my power to make her wedding memorable even though her dad can't be part of it as we never thought we would lose him.

    My apologies to everyone for posting.
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