The wedding date.

ElcaB

Am I the only one who doesn't understand why single people feel the dire need to bring a date to a wedding? 

Originally we were planning on giving all of our single guests a plus one, but now that we are inviting more guests than originally anticipated, we are only giving plus ones to those in relationships. I do not plan on giving my MOH or BM a plus one as they aren't seeing anybody, yet they repeatedly talk about having to "find someone to bring as their date for the wedding."

I understand wanting to bring a date if you don't know anyone else attending the wedding besides B&G. But, if there's no one special in your life and you know plenty of other guests attending, why does it matter if you have a date to a wedding? It's so frustrating to me!

Inkdancer

I have no idea. I want to spend time at weddings hanging out with my friends, not making sure some random person I picked out is having an okay time.

lyndausvi

Not really.  It sometimes sucks to be the odd man out.   Some people are not as comfortable being the only single person in the group.  You stick out.  When the slow song comes on you are left alone sometimes.      Sometimes you just want a buddy.   I'm married so I have a built in buddy. 

JCbride2015

I don't know. I've been with Fi since I was 15 so I always have a date to weddings.

However, I think it would be nice to make an exception for your wedding party.  We plan on giving +1s to all single guests, but that's something we will cut if capacity becomes a problem.  However, even if we do that, we plan to still let WP bring a date.  I think it's a nice way to thank them for standing up with you.

wandajune6

It depends on the circumstances.

I've managed to be single for most of the weddings I've gone to as an adult. It sucks going alone because you have no one to dance with, you're often seated randomly wherever you "fit" best, and frequently couples just talk to themselves. It's made even worse when you don't know anyone besides the B & G. It's also much nicer to travel with someone.

One of my BMs got married right after I ended a long relationship (I was not a BM). I was heartbroken and a mess. I was given a +1 and brought my best friend (a guy). It made it so much easier because I had someone to dance with, someone to make catty comments to (it's so much more fun to critique people's outfits when you have someone to whisper to!), and just generally make me feel better.

That said, FI has some 17 and 18 year old cousin/nephew types who want to bring buddies as dates so they won't get bored. No dates for them.

theartistformerlyknownas

I'm right there with you. It was always more awkward for me to find a random date when I was single than to just go by myself. I wasn't going to be slow dancing with a rando anyway so I'd still be sitting there awkwardly. I've had a few people mention needing to find a date and I'm just thinking "nope... gonna make that real easy for ya." 

Aside from why people may WANT to bring a date, I don't understand why it's the expectation that they're given one - - I never assumed I got a +1 until I had the invitation in hand.

clarke10

For people who won't know any/many people there, I think it's nicer to go with a date. I'm dealing with the plus one issue with my cousins though. You don't have a significant other and you'll know 100 people at the wedding - why on earth do you need to bring a random date??

wandajune6

I'd never bring a random date. I might bring a friend. The random date is dangerous- you never really know what you'll get. And I'm much more comfortable going solo if I know a lot of people.

lyndausvi

clarke10 said:

For people who won't know any/many people there, I think it's nicer to go with a date. I'm dealing with the plus one issue with my cousins though. You don't have a significant other and you'll know 100 people at the wedding - why on earth do you need to bring a random date??

Yeah, at cousin weddings random dates are more hassle then they are worth.   It's the like the Spanish Inquisition.  All the relatives asking how you know them, how long, blah, blah.  So not worth it in my family.

Friends/co-workers.  Yeah, I always preferred a date when I went to a wedding.

ElcaB

JCbride2015 said: I don't know. I've been with Fi since I was 15 so I always have a date to weddings.
However, I think it would be nice to make an exception for your wedding party.  We plan on giving +1s to all single guests, but that's something we will cut if capacity becomes a problem.  However, even if we do that, we plan to still let WP bring a date.  I think it's a nice way to thank them for standing up with you.

That's an interesting perspective. I guess from my POV, if I'm in the BP and I know tons of people in the wedding, I'm even less inclined to want to bring a date --- because then, that date will be stuck in the position of not knowing anyone and being by themselves for the entire ceremony and cocktail hour. 

ETA: SITB

ElcaB

clarke10 said:

For people who won't know any/many people there, I think it's nicer to go with a date. I'm dealing with the plus one issue with my cousins though. You don't have a significant other and you'll know 100 people at the wedding - why on earth do you need to bring a random date??

Exactly! 

sarahufl

I think it really depends. FI is the only date I have ever had to a wedding. When I was single, I went alone. One of the most fun weddings I ever went to was when I was MOH for some college friends- I only knew them and the best man- NOBODY ELSE. And guess what, I had an awesome time.

I have a friend traveling to Florida from Michigan for my wedding. She will hardly know anyone there, so I told her to bring a friend if she wanted.

But one of my friends from college is truly, truly single. She was recently bitching about not getting a +1 to my wedding and to the wedding one of our other friends who will get married not long after me. She was mad because she said by the time she gets married, she will have to invite all of us with a +1 (you mean our husbands?). She will know everyone there- frankly, we just don't have the space to host +1s for all of our TRULY single guests. If she got into a relationship between now and then, we would find the space, but I don't see why she needs to bring someone totally random.

clarke10

I definitely think it's nice to allow the WP to bring dates. Even if they know many people, it's just a courtesy and another way to say thank you.

We have a few people in our wedding party who will know very few people at the wedding and I want to make sure they're comfortable all night. 

theartistformerlyknownas

sarahufl said:

I think it really depends. FI is the only date I have ever had to a wedding. When I was single, I went alone. One of the most fun weddings I ever went to was when I was MOH for some college friends- I only knew them and the best man- NOBODY ELSE. And guess what, I had an awesome time.

I have a friend traveling to Florida from Michigan for my wedding. She will hardly know anyone there, so I told her to bring a friend if she wanted.

But one of my friends from college is truly, truly single. She was recently bitching about not getting a +1 to my wedding and to the wedding one of our other friends who will get married not long after me. She was mad because she said by the time she gets married, she will have to invite all of us with a +1 (you mean our husbands?). She will know everyone there- frankly, we just don't have the space to host +1s for all of our TRULY single guests. If she got into a relationship between now and then, we would find the space, but I don't see why she needs to bring someone totally random.

Well golly, I'll gladly take care of that problem by ceasing to be friends with you. You're welcome.

VulgarGirl

If there a lot of single people at a wedding, I can see just going solo. But if you're the only single person (or one of very few single people), it's weird. Everyone else is all in love at this thing that's all about love and you're standing there like, oh hey cheese, I like cheese. If you get to bring a buddy, makes life easier.

Before I met FI I went to a small wedding for a classmate of mine, somehow I managed to be the only single person under 40 there. It. Sucked. Especially since I'd just gotten out of a relationship. Everyone else was all "love forever yay!" and I was like "someone will love me someday....right?", a buddy would've made that so much easier. 

I do kind of think it's a double standard that I would be very hurt to not have FI included on an invite, but then expect to turn around tell a singleton to "buck up" because they know a lot of people at the wedding. I mean, I know a lot of people too. I can drive myself. And can function in most social situations without supervision. But if you refuse to invite Sophie, I'm probably not going to come to your wedding. So I get to always have someone with me, even if I know everyone, because it's socially correct. But a single person, oh well too bad, either get in a relationship or get over it? Doesn't seem fair to me.

MuppetOverlord

I think it's rude not to allow your bridal party a plus one, and I think they should be able to expect it. They're the most important people in your life, they're spending a ton of money on your wedding. I would invite a few less people so you can afford to invite a date for them.

I know nothing about your wedding, so I will respond generally about the topic. You're assuming that single guests at weddings 1) Know lots of others at the wedding 2) Are comfortable in social situations and will automatically mingle 3) Are comfortable traveling alone 4) Will enjoy dancing alone

I am very social, but I've been to many weddings where I didn't know anyone and I would've (and have) felt very lost without someone there, because even after you've spent all the time to meet the people at your table, they go off and dance and mingle with people they know and I just sat at the table waiting for cake so I can leave.  When someone is with me, at least I have one person I know I will be comfortable talking to the whole night.

I was once paired with a table of singles. It was awkward because my friend decided that I should hook up with one of those guys that night and I think she made the suggestion to at least one of the guys directly because he was trying to make that night our first date and it was very uncomfortable.

My husband is not comfortable in social situations where he doesn't know people and does not really mingle. He's gone to some weddings with me and didn't know anyone else and is simply not comfortable engaging in those situations. This means that he mostly declined invitations in the past where he wasn't allowed a date.

I hate traveling and driving. It's worse alone. I've declined an invitation for a wedding that was a few hours away because I wasn't invited a date.

I think it's perfectly OK to drop "plus ones" when it's not for your bridal party and significant others are invited...but I just wanted to elaborate so you can understand why it is uncomfortable for some people.

beethery

I slow danced to one song by myself at my friend's wedding reception, I don't remember what song it was though. My BFF brought a damn platonic date because her boyfriend couldn't come (what happened to solidarity, man?).

I didn't ask anyone to attend with me because 1. I didn't want to cry about how I was pretty sure I would never find love or get married while I was participating in an awkward drunken hookup afterward, 2. my friends and I are weird and no dude whose dick I wanted to touch would have fun.

I was drunk.

blabla89

MagicInk said:

If there a lot of single people at a wedding, I can see just going solo. But if you're the only single person (or one of very few single people), it's weird. Everyone else is all in love at this thing that's all about love and you're standing there like, oh hey cheese, I like cheese. If you get to bring a buddy, makes life easier.

Before I met FI I went to a small wedding for a classmate of mine, somehow I managed to be the only single person under 40 there. It. Sucked. Especially since I'd just gotten out of a relationship. Everyone else was all "love forever yay!" and I was like "someone will love me someday....right?", a buddy would've made that so much easier. 

I do kind of think it's a double standard that I would be very hurt to not have FI included on an invite, but then expect to turn around tell a singleton to "buck up" because they know a lot of people at the wedding. I mean, I know a lot of people too. I can drive myself. And can function in most social situations without supervision. But if you refuse to invite Sophie, I'm probably not going to come to your wedding. So I get to always have someone with me, even if I know everyone, because it's socially correct. But a single person, oh well too bad, either get in a relationship or get over it? Doesn't seem fair to me.

I think the distinction is that by not inviting SO's, you are splitting a social unit and passing judgement on the "worthiness" of a guest's relationship. For example, FI's college buddy recently got married and invited FI but not me, because we weren't engaged yet when they sent out the invitations (or whatever). That basically says to FI, "We want you to come celebrate the validity of our relationship, but we don't think you've been in your relationship long enough for us to recognize it by inviting your FI." It also put FI in the awkward position of being asked by other guests why isn't Blabla here?

I know that doesn't make it any less unpleasant to be  the lone single or be awkwardly lumped into a group of singles, but I believe that's the distinction between what is a violation of etiquette and what, technically, is not.

ETA missing words

ElcaB

beethery said:

I slow danced to one song by myself at my friend's wedding reception, I don't remember what song it was though. My BFF brought a damn platonic date because her boyfriend couldn't come (what happened to solidarity, man?).

I didn't ask anyone to attend with me because 1. I didn't want to cry about how I was pretty sure I would never find love or get married while I was participating in an awkward drunken hookup afterward, 2. my friends and I are weird and no dude whose dick I wanted to touch would have fun.

I was drunk.

I just had eye surgery and my vision is not perfect, so I read this as "My BFF brought a damn plastic date," and just about died. I was thinking, "Wow, people really ARE desperate to bring a date to a wedding!" 

Maggie0829

ElcaB said:

JCbride2015 said:

I don't know. I've been with Fi since I was 15 so I always have a date to weddings.

However, I think it would be nice to make an exception for your wedding party.  We plan on giving +1s to all single guests, but that's something we will cut if capacity becomes a problem.  However, even if we do that, we plan to still let WP bring a date.  I think it's a nice way to thank them for standing up with you.

That's an interesting perspective. I guess from my POV, if I'm in the BP and I know tons of people in the wedding, I'm even less inclined to want to bring a date --- because then, that date will be stuck in the position of not knowing anyone and being by themselves for the entire ceremony and cocktail hour. 

ETA: SITB

This isn't always true.  I was in my friends wedding a year ago.  I knew about 5 people there and three of them were the bride, the groom and my H.  If I wasn't married I sure as hell would have liked to bring a date so that I would have had a buddy during the reception.

climbingsingle

I'm with you, OP. I really don't get it either. My very single guy friend keeps saying he needs to find a date for my wedding wedding. Uh, no ya don't! You know will many, many people there. And why bring someone that doesn't know anyone else and that you also don't know that well. That's a recipe for awkward. 

beethery

ElcaB said:

beethery said:

I slow danced to one song by myself at my friend's wedding reception, I don't remember what song it was though. My BFF brought a damn platonic date because her boyfriend couldn't come (what happened to solidarity, man?).

I didn't ask anyone to attend with me because 1. I didn't want to cry about how I was pretty sure I would never find love or get married while I was participating in an awkward drunken hookup afterward, 2. my friends and I are weird and no dude whose dick I wanted to touch would have fun.

I was drunk.

I just had eye surgery and my vision is not perfect, so I read this as "My BFF brought a damn plastic date," and just about died. I was thinking, "Wow, people really ARE desperate to bring a date to a wedding!" 

Dude basically was plastic.Boring as hell. She really was that desperate to bring a date with her.

VulgarGirl

Oh, one thing I forgot. Don't do a singles table. That's a dick move. Not all singles get along just because they're single. That is not a thing to have in common. Don't fucking do it. 

Not sure if you are or aren't, but I've seen people do it and I'm like WTF? Of course I've also been sat at the "all gay" table. Yes, we all clearly have lots in common what with us being homosexuals and all.

Sugargirl1019

We just had chaos over an RSVP!

We have a mutual friend, J, and we went to lunch with him because its been a few months since we've seen him. We talked about the wedding and that invites have gone out, so be on the look out.. We also noted that we invited him and hope he can hang out with his other friends A, B, C and D at the wedding. Also may have mentioned that the guest list was scary tight and we are not inviting +1s for single peeps.

(Wrong? Maybe. It was just how the conversation flowed).

We get his RSVP back a week later, with a +1! I was shocked and angry. But FI sends him a text saying, "so, new girlfriend?" And J replied "no, just a friend from work".

How rude of him to invite a guest for himself when we already had this discussion! Well we tell him we are sorry but cannot accommodate his guest, the invite was for only him, and J says "aw man I wish you told me sooner. I already asked them to come".

Fucking a. Apologize to your coworker for assuming you could invite them. And apologize to us for adding someone we didn't invite.

J is mad at us, and I don't care if this ends the friendship, with all the other drama going on in my life.

ElcaB

MuppetOverlord said:

I think it's rude not to allow your bridal party a plus one, and I think they should be able to expect it. They're the most important people in your life, they're spending a ton of money on your wedding. I would invite a few less people so you can afford to invite a date for them.

I know nothing about your wedding, so I will respond generally about the topic. You're assuming that single guests at weddings 1) Know lots of others at the wedding 2) Are comfortable in social situations and will automatically mingle 3) Are comfortable traveling alone 4) Will enjoy dancing alone

I am very social, but I've been to many weddings where I didn't know anyone and I would've (and have) felt very lost without someone there, because even after you've spent all the time to meet the people at your table, they go off and dance and mingle with people they know and I just sat at the table waiting for cake so I can leave.  When someone is with me, at least I have one person I know I will be comfortable talking to the whole night.

I was once paired with a table of singles. It was awkward because my friend decided that I should hook up with one of those guys that night and I think she made the suggestion to at least one of the guys directly because he was trying to make that night our first date and it was very uncomfortable.

My husband is not comfortable in social situations where he doesn't know people and does not really mingle. He's gone to some weddings with me and didn't know anyone else and is simply not comfortable engaging in those situations. This means that he mostly declined invitations in the past where he wasn't allowed a date.

I hate traveling and driving. It's worse alone. I've declined an invitation for a wedding that was a few hours away because I wasn't invited a date.

I think it's perfectly OK to drop "plus ones" when it's not for your bridal party and significant others are invited...but I just wanted to elaborate so you can understand why it is uncomfortable for some people.

I didn't realize it's considered rude not to give the BP plus ones. If it is, I can certainly offer them one. 

To the first bolded: I'm not assuming single guests know lots of others at the wedding. As I acknowledged in my OP, I'm specifically referencing single guests who do know lots of others at the wedding, if that makes sense. 

To the second bolded: That sounds awful! I despise friends who don't know when to can it and instigate uncomfortable situations. Was she drunk?

theartistformerlyknownas

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I'm with you, OP. I really don't get it either. My very single guy friend keeps saying he needs to find a date for my wedding wedding. Uh, no ya don't! You know will many, many people there. And why bring someone that doesn't know anyone else and that you also don't know that well. That's a recipe for awkward. 

One friend on my list who's making the "gotta find a date" comments knows so many of my friends that he's asked them all if they're going and want to be his date... including two who are in seriously LTRs. No dude. Slow your roll and maybe you'll hit it off with the one single friend of mine you haven't creeped out yet. 

If you're traveling a long way and want a companion that's one thing...otherwise sorry, no. Our two single WP members will know more of our guests than I do (FSIL and close family friend of FI's) and I know they have precisely zero dating prospects because they talk about it often. They'll have more people to talk to if they don't need to entertain a rando (or a platonic friend who doesn't know everyone else) all night. (Note: talking about my own personal guest list here, not making generalizations about anyone else's.)

beethery

lolo883 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I'm with you, OP. I really don't get it either. My very single guy friend keeps saying he needs to find a date for my wedding wedding. Uh, no ya don't! You know will many, many people there. And why bring someone that doesn't know anyone else and that you also don't know that well. That's a recipe for awkward. 

One friend on my list who's making the "gotta find a date" comments knows so many of my friends that he's asked them all if they're going and want to be his date... including two who are in seriously LTRs. No dude. Slow your roll and maybe you'll hit it off with the one single friend of mine you haven't creeped out yet. 

If you're traveling a long way and want a companion that's one thing...otherwise sorry, no. Our two single WP members will know more of our guests than I do (FSIL and close family friend of FI's) and I know they have precisely zero dating prospects because they talk about it often. They'll have more people to talk to if they don't need to entertain a rando (or a platonic friend who doesn't know everyone else) all night. (Note: talking about my own personal guest list here, not making generalizations about anyone else's.)

That guy needs this notice:

Maggie0829

I know the rule is that truly single guests do not have to get a plus one, but I honestly believe that everyone should be allowed to bring someone. Just because a person may know a lot of people invited doesn't mean that they like to attend events on their own. I know I wouldn't. Also when you are single and everyone you know is paired up it makes things kind of uncomfortable (hello third, fifth, seventh, etc wheel!). And I really hate that people are calling the possible plus one's as randos. The plus one may actually be someone that your invited guest knows well and likes to hang around with. Just because you may not know them personally doesn't automatically make them a rando and someone that the invited guest will then need to baby all night. And maybe the invited guest is fine entertaining their plus one all night and if they aren't or don't want to deal with a plus one then they can just RSVP solo.

tigersgirlgv

I have to chime in as a single lady over here. I definitely appreciate being offered a plus one, especially when I literally know the bride, the groom and maybe her parents, which it seems to be the consensus here to do.

I was recently a BM in a wedding and wasn't given a date. No big deal, I thought, my parents are invited and a bunch of our mutual friends will be there. 

Then, after the spotlight dances the first song is a slow song. Every person at the head table gets up to dance with their SO and I am sitting there by myself, thinking about how much it sucks to be single and wondering if I am just imagining it or if everyone else is actually staring at me up there all alone.... Thankfully a mutual friend walked up to talk, just as my dad came over to ask me to dance, but still it was not fun.

Conversely, at my sister's wedding I declined to bring a friend when offered a +1, because it would have been more annoying to entertain someone at a wedding where I just wanted to hang out with my family and my sister. But it really depends on the person and the situation and I think it is a very nice courtesy to offer to single guests a +1 (though not against etiquette to not do so).

grumbledore

ElcaB said: Am I the only one who doesn't understand why single people feel the dire need to bring a date to a wedding? 
Originally we were planning on giving all of our single guests a plus one, but now that we are inviting more guests than originally anticipated, we are only giving plus ones to those in relationships. I do not plan on giving my MOH or BM a plus one as they aren't seeing anybody, yet they repeatedly talk about having to "find someone to bring as their date for the wedding."
I understand wanting to bring a date if you don't know anyone else attending the wedding besides B&G. But, if there's no one special in your life and you know plenty of other guests attending, why does it matter if you have a date to a wedding? It's so frustrating to me!
////////Stupid box.  Or lack of box.../////////
Because drinking and dancing is a lot more fun with a date?  Because a lot of those people you know will have dates/partners with them and you will feel like the odd one out?  Because even when you know people, it's a lot easier to be in a social situation with someone who is specifically there to hang out with you?

MuppetOverlord

She wasn't drunk when she planned the tables for her wedding anyway.