Invitations and Out of the Country Guests

satuttle1014

I am getting married in DC and we have one guest who lives in Japan now. My fiance and I have known him since we were younger and we invited his parents. We sent both his parents and him a save the date, now how do I go about the invitations. I would assume his RSVP would be a NO because just to come back for our wedding is expensive and also haven't seen him in like 6 years. Do I send him an invitation anyways or should I kindly ask him if coming is even a remote possiblity so I don't have to waste an invitation? Also if asking if he is coming or not is the way to go, how would I go about it? I don't want to seem rude that he has to answer right away or feel obligated to send a gift if he gets an invitation,etc

Liatris2010

Mail him  the invitation. If you were willing to spring for the international postage for the STD, why are you suddenly worried about wasting an invitation? The point of the invitation is to invite people. If they get the invite and know they were invited it wasn't wasted, regardless of whether or not they attend.

satuttle1014

I didn't spend the international postage, I sent it to his parents house with their STD. Was just a simple question to get other people's opinion.

offensivekitten2

I would send it to him. We had someone in another country invited to our wedding. We knew he wouldn't come because his wife hated the family, but he deserved his own invite anyway because he's an adult and it wasn't our place to make the decision for him.

satuttle1014

Thank you, yea I have feeling he will say no but still nice to send him one.

ElcaB

I believe in mailing all invitations to people you want at your wedding, regardless of whether or not you know they won't be able to make it. It lets the person know you were thinking of them and they are special enough for you to want them to be part of an important day for you. 

melbelleup

Definitely mail an invitation, it's rude to assume his answer is no.

melbelleup

satuttle1014 said:

I am getting married in DC and we have one guest who lives in Japan now. My fiance and I have known him since we were younger and we invited his parents. We sent both his parents and him a save the date, now how do I go about the invitations. I would assume his RSVP would be a NO because just to come back for our wedding is expensive and also haven't seen him in like 6 years. Do I send him an invitation anyways or should I kindly ask him if coming is even a remote possiblity so I don't have to waste an invitation? Also if asking if he is coming or not is the way to go, how would I go about it? I don't want to seem rude that he has to answer right away or feel obligated to send a gift if he gets an invitation,etc

Liatris2010

satuttle1014 said:

I didn't spend the international postage, I sent it to his parents house with their STD. Was just a simple question to get other people's opinion.

You should have sent his STD to him, not his parents.
What is the purpose of asking someone to "save the date" for you if you aren't going to invite them to the thing they saved the date for? Mail him the invitation.

melbenso

We sent invitations to 2 out of country guests, knowing that they likely would not be able to make it.  Rather than put a stamp on the RSVP card (because they would have to use postage from their own countries to mail the response), we included a note asking that they email us at x@x.com to respond.

STARMOON44

The way you find out if someone is coming to your wedding is sending them an invitation. He may very well come, combining your wedding with a trip home.

thisismynickname2

To add a slightly different perspective, my entire mother's side of the family lives overseas. No one is really that well off and has the kind of money to come here just for a wedding.  Very few of them have ever been to the States; my parents brought us over there many a time to visit them instead.  

So, what my mom did right after we got engaged was put a call-out to the entire family and say, "There's going to be a wedding in September, 2014.  We'd love to have everyone. Please let us know now if this is something feasible for you so we can put you on the invitation list."

I can understand and will acknowledge perhaps this wasn't the "proper" way to go about things, but accounting for an extra 50 people that are unlikely to show just put too much monetary unknowns into the entire budgeting and planning process.  Two sets of great-aunts/uncles said they would plan to come, so those sets received STD's and will receive invites.  I still don't know if they've made travel plans at this point, so at 3 months out now is the time for them.  We'll see. 

My overarching point is, if people are overseas, because of the added expense I'd ask them very well in advance if they're at all thinking attending is feasible. If they suspect it's feasible, add them to the invite list, send an STD and send that invitation later no matter what.  I think the overseas element changes the game a bit; it's different than for friends or family that only live in a different state.

Edit: typos

KayDeee

Re: International postage on RSVPs ...

If you are inviting guests from outside the US, a lot of countries offer postage online. We were able to buy postage from the UK and Germany online to attach to our RSVP envelopes for our international guests. Canadian postage we had mailed to our home. Just extending them the same courtesy as the other guests in the US.

Viczaesar

You committed to sending him an invitation when you sent him an STD.

CMGragain

At daughter's wedding, one of the guests flew in from China to attend the wedding.  We weren't counting on his coming, but we were so happy he could make it.  He was a close friend of my son-in-law.  You never know!

pinkshorts27

Viczaesar said:

You committed to sending him an invitation when you sent him an STD.

This. The rest is relevent for lurkers only.

EverAfer

Alot of FI family is OOT and OOC. When his parents put the feelers out, the sense is that not allot will come, but they'll send one family representative. Now, more are coming than we thought (we planned for 100%). So you never know what people will say till it's time to rsvp and book fights.

But if you sent a Save the Date, you must send an invitation (there's only a few exceptions to this and being OOC didn't qualify).

stepslh

It's probably best if you email/skype him and let him know all the details of the wedding, and that you can't send him an invite because he's in Japan, however you would love to have him there. You could tell him that you'll give him the physical invite when you see him next (whether it's at the wedding or a later date if he doesn't attend).

The truth is that many countries don't have as good of a mailing system as the U.S, so do you really want to risk sending the invite and not knowing if he got it? In this modern age, most of my friends told me via phone or facebook that they were coming....Only older people would care about a physical invite.

stepslh

Another note: I also live in another country and most of my friends getting married have been sending their save the date and formal invitation to my parents in the U.S. (but with my name on it).

I didn't think this was "tacky" whatsoever.

Liatris2010

stepslh said:

It's probably best if you email/skype him and let him know all the details of the wedding, and that you can't send him an invite because he's in Japan, however you would love to have him there. You could tell him that you'll give him the physical invite when you see him next (whether it's at the wedding or a later date if he doesn't attend).

The truth is that many countries don't have as good of a mailing system as the U.S, so do you really want to risk sending the invite and not knowing if he got it? In this modern age, most of my friends told me via phone or facebook that they were coming....Only older people would care about a physical invite.

This is terrible advice.

Rebl90

stepslh said:

It's probably best if you email/skype him and let him know all the details of the wedding, and that you can't send him an invite because he's in Japan, however you would love to have him there. You could tell him that you'll give him the physical invite when you see him next (whether it's at the wedding or a later date if he doesn't attend).

The truth is that many countries don't have as good of a mailing system as the U.S, so do you really want to risk sending the invite and not knowing if he got it? In this modern age, most of my friends told me via phone or facebook that they were coming....Only older people would care about a physical invite.

Please ignore this. I sent invitations to countries like Germany, Australia, and Japan, and no one had any problems.

Blergbot

We actually have several guests coming from Germany, and possibly a few other countries. Their postal system is waaaay better than ours, but I don't know about Japan. The only thing I would suggest is sending out the invite earlier than the others, as it will take longer to get there. We are doing an e-mail RSVP, as well.

STARMOON44

The truth is, many countries have better postal systems than the US.

Viczaesar

stepslh said:

It's probably best if you email/skype him and let him know all the details of the wedding, and that you can't send him an invite because he's in Japan, however you would love to have him there. You could tell him that you'll give him the physical invite when you see him next (whether it's at the wedding or a later date if he doesn't attend).

The truth is that many countries don't have as good of a mailing system as the U.S, so do you really want to risk sending the invite and not knowing if he got it? In this modern age, most of my friends told me via phone or facebook that they were coming....Only older people would care about a physical invite.

This is just dumb.  There is absolutely no reason that she can't or shouldn't send him an invitation, and every reason that OP needs to.  And the US has a shitty postal service, frankly.

EverAfer

We sent invites to 5 different countries.

If you have the correct address and look up the proper country format, the chances of them getting it is just as likely as a US address (maybe better).

kimberly0315

My FI and I are from 2 different countries and we have family and friends who live in completely other countries.  If you sent a STD, you send an invite.  It should be sent to him in Japan.  There is absolutely no reason not to mail it to him.  Not that it would matter anyway, but Japan isn't some third world war torn country lacking a postal system.  It's rude to not send him an invite directly.

missnc77

Do you really consider a personal invite a "waste?" We sent invitations to out of country people even though we knew they probably couldn't make it. Our invite sets were about $7-$8 a piece, which I think are on the higher end (not the highest). To us, it was worth the $7-$8/invite to make his family abroad feel connected to us even though they couldn't make it. 

ladybird29

KayDeee said:

Re: International postage on RSVPs ...

If you are inviting guests from outside the US, a lot of countries offer postage online. We were able to buy postage from the UK and Germany online to attach to our RSVP envelopes for our international guests. Canadian postage we had mailed to our home. Just extending them the same courtesy as the other guests in the US.

We did this too and our Canadian guests were really surprised that we thought about that detail. Honestly though, I almost forgot and put US stamps on the RSVP envelope. It wasn't until I was having them weighed and the woman at the post office said, "Hey - you can't mail something from another country using US postage..." oops. Anyway, like you said - you can just go online and order the postage. It's a nice touch and makes it convenient for everyone!

Cookie Pusher

We sent a few invitations out of the country, and they all arrived just fine. For the RSVPs, we included the response card with a note that they could reply to us via email. We also noted that they can get in touch with us if they needed help making arrangements for accommodations. 

Ven&Radio

A good friend of mine lives in Japan.  Cost to mail his invitation was less than $2.  Cost to mail my invites within the US was $0.86.  It really isn't that much of an added cost. 

lovesclimbing

stepslh said:

It's probably best if you email/skype him and let him know all the details of the wedding, and that you can't send him an invite because he's in Japan, however you would love to have him there. You could tell him that you'll give him the physical invite when you see him next (whether it's at the wedding or a later date if he doesn't attend).

The truth is that many countries don't have as good of a mailing system as the U.S, so do you really want to risk sending the invite and not knowing if he got it? In this modern age, most of my friends told me via phone or facebook that they were coming....Only older people would care about a physical invite.

You do realize Japan is a first-world country, right?  Also, you solve this problem by calling him, letting him know the invitation is on it's way, and when he gets it, he'll RSVP, assuming the OP is having RSVPs.