How long do you wait to kick someone out of the bridal party?

faeriesglow

The night I got engaged I called my best friend and asked her to be in my wedding. She said of course. I was living in GA and she in TX. We had a long engagement, so I renewed my offer a couple of years later - she still in TX, I still in GA. She said she would be there. That was 6 months ago and I have heard nothing from her. I call, I text, I eMail - nothing. She has not responded to mass emails to all my girls about what dresses to get, nor has she asked me what she is supposed to wear. I have 3 bridesmaids in Texas, and the other two have not had any issues getting their dresses. They also constantly ask me how they can help - and one even flew out for my shower. I don't think distance is a fair excuse at this point....the wedding is now less than 3 months away - I have called 3 times in the past 6 days, and again, nothing. How long do I give her before I "kick her out" of the wedding party? And how do I do it? I am super non-confrontational and this is very difficult for me to address.

banana468

Are you sure she's OK? Put the wedding on the back burner for a moment. Aren't you concerned that something is wrong? !

faeriesglow

She is constantly posting on facebook, pictures and social life things, surveys, I get her stupid game updates and requests 20 times a day....her sister hasn't called/texted me to say anything is wrong - if she disappeared from social media I might think something was wrong.

lilacck28

faeriesglow said:

The night I got engaged I called my best friend and asked her to be in my wedding. She said of course. I was living in GA and she in TX. We had a long engagement, so I renewed my offer a couple of years later - she still in TX, I still in GA. She said she would be there. That was 6 months ago and I have heard nothing from her. I call, I text, I eMail - nothing. She has not responded to mass emails to all my girls about what dresses to get, nor has she asked me what she is supposed to wear. I have 3 bridesmaids in Texas, and the other two have not had any issues getting their dresses. They also constantly ask me how they can help - and one even flew out for my shower. I don't think distance is a fair excuse at this point....the wedding is now less than 3 months away - I have called 3 times in the past 6 days, and again, nothing. How long do I give her before I "kick her out" of the wedding party? And how do I do it? I am super non-confrontational and this is very difficult for me to address.

faeriesglow said:

She is constantly posting on facebook, pictures and social life things, surveys, I get her stupid game updates and requests 20 times a day....her sister hasn't called/texted me to say anything is wrong - if she disappeared from social media I might think something was wrong.

Have you emailed or texted her about anything besides what dress she should be getting? I'd probably be annoyed if that was the only thing my supposed friend was talking to me about. I probably wouldn't go radio silent but... still. If you want to be done with the friendship and sever all ties, then "kick her out" whenever you want to. If you want to remain friends, then give the dress issue more time and ask her how she's doing. 

faeriesglow

I have emailed her about attire, hotel accommodations, reception details. I send her personal texts/phone calls (called to say Happy Birthday, etc.) and I even sent her a letter. I started leaving voicemails a few months ago saying, "Hey, haven't talked in awhile - let's catch up with a phone date." The last message from today was letting her know the deadline to get a dress is this week, or it just won't arrive in time without a rush fee. I'm at a loss of what to say in the voicemails at this point - how many times can you say, "Phone date this week?" I even have my two TX maids trying to reach her so they can have a group luncheon and meet before the wedding.
I feel like I am at my wits end.

lilacck28

ps- I over looked the 3 months away bit. The only way that changes my advice is to just assume that she won't be in the wedding. As in, prepare yourself that she may not have the dress and may not show up. But if you want to remain friends, I wouldn't say anything about it with her. She either shows up in the proper attire and is in the wedding, or she doesn't and is not. 

faeriesglow

Just so it's clear - I have not been only asking her about wedding stuff. I have tried to just talk to this girl for months. There was a point in time we were inseparable. Living 1100 miles apart, I know we can't talk daily like we used to - and I am ok with that. But I have other long distance friends and we phone date weekly so we can stay caught up in each other's lives. I keep reaching out to her, and I feel like she is too scared to tell me she can't afford the trip. I even offered her a free place to stay so she doesn't have the expense of the hotel. I just need her to be honest with me, I have a  rehearsal dinner count to give the restaurant, I have to give the wedding venue her menu choices or she doesn't get a plate. I feel like I am past the point of just calling to catch up, I have a wedding to plan and I think I have a right to know if she's going to come.

LadyMillil

faeriesglow said:

I have emailed her about attire, hotel accommodations, reception details. I send her personal texts/phone calls (called to say Happy Birthday, etc.) and I even sent her a letter. I started leaving voicemails a few months ago saying, "Hey, haven't talked in awhile - let's catch up with a phone date." The last message from today was letting her know the deadline to get a dress is this week, or it just won't arrive in time without a rush fee. I'm at a loss of what to say in the voicemails at this point - how many times can you say, "Phone date this week?" I even have my two TX maids trying to reach her so they can have a group luncheon and meet before the wedding.
I feel like I am at my wits end.

If she doesn't get the dress she's basically removed herself from the wedding party. Kicking her out of the wedding party is a friendship ending move. I think you've done everything you can at this point, so leave it up to her to decide if she's going to be in the WP or not. 

lilacck28

faeriesglow said:

Just so it's clear - I have not been only asking her about wedding stuff. I have tried to just talk to this girl for months. There was a point in time we were inseparable. Living 1100 miles apart, I know we can't talk daily like we used to - and I am ok with that. But I have other long distance friends and we phone date weekly so we can stay caught up in each other's lives. I keep reaching out to her, and I feel like she is too scared to tell me she can't afford the trip. I even offered her a free place to stay so she doesn't have the expense of the hotel. I just need her to be honest with me, I have a  rehearsal dinner count to give the restaurant, I have to give the wedding venue her menu choices or she doesn't get a plate. I feel like I am past the point of just calling to catch up, I have a wedding to plan and I think I have a right to know if she's going to come.

STUCK IN BOX

You were clear. And that really stinks. I maintain my previous advice. Do nothing if you want to possibly stay friends, and let her decide if she's in or out based on if she shows up or not, and if she is in the proper attire or not. As for needing a rehearsal dinner head count, I guess you could write her an email/ leave a message that says "I need a head count. If I don't hear back from you about it, I will assume that you won't be coming and I will not include you in the count for food." 

lilacck28

as for menu choice for the reception... that shouldn't be an issue until about 2 weeks out from the wedding? So you could wait on that. 

NYCMercedes

It hurts to lose a friend. I think you'll have your answer long before the meal decisions need to be made, however. It seems she's pulled away and doesn't want to talk about it. At this point, just leave the door open. Sounds like you've done the best you could have.

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry that your friend is putting you through this. I commend you for trying to reach out to her and making sure to talk to her about non wedding stuff and trying to set up the phone date. Since she's not responding I would talk to your florist & find out what is the latest that you can change up your flower order to either add/remove a bouquet (unless you're willing to just get a bouquet in case & eat the cost if she doesn't come). Send her an invite like you would the rest of the bridal party. Be prepared for an uneven bridal party & realize that it's ok, all you have to decide is which girl may be the lucky one to be escorted by two of the GM. If she doesn't respond to invite then assume she's not coming & adjust according & if she shows up (even with the dress) you just tell her I'm so happy you made it. I didn't think you were coming since you didn't RSVP or respond to any calls/emails the past few months

AddieCake

It looks to me like she has already removed herself from the wedding party and your life. 

faeriesglow

Thank you all for your replies. I thought long and hard, and after shedding some tears, I have decided to just let it go. I did everything I could to reach her, and at some point she decided she didn't want to be in it anymore - I just wish she had been upfront with me. She has missed the deadline to get a dress in time, she has missed the deadline to rsvp (I have to send out secondary invites to hit a minimum - this is a tiny tiny wedding,) and she has missed the deadline to have a free place to stay. I cannot hold a bed for someone who won't even return a phone date voicemail - especially when I have a friend coming all the way from Japan! I am actually making my own bouquets, so luckily I won't lose any money there. Our bridal party is super lopsided, it has been from the get go, so that doesn't bother me....but now I am short an orange dress (I was doing 3 yellow, 2 orange - my theme is the sunrise) so pictures are going to have to be re-configured.
I'd like to think this won't tear our friendship apart, but....I'm incredibly hurt. I don't know if I can overcome that, but I will try. 

lilacck28

faeriesglow said:

Thank you all for your replies. I thought long and hard, and after shedding some tears, I have decided to just let it go. I did everything I could to reach her, and at some point she decided she didn't want to be in it anymore - I just wish she had been upfront with me. She has missed the deadline to get a dress in time, she has missed the deadline to rsvp (I have to send out secondary invites to hit a minimum - this is a tiny tiny wedding,) and she has missed the deadline to have a free place to stay. I cannot hold a bed for someone who won't even return a phone date voicemail - especially when I have a friend coming all the way from Japan! I am actually making my own bouquets, so luckily I won't lose any money there. Our bridal party is super lopsided, it has been from the get go, so that doesn't bother me....but now I am short an orange dress (I was doing 3 yellow, 2 orange - my theme is the sunrise) so pictures are going to have to be re-configured.
I'd like to think this won't tear our friendship apart, but....I'm incredibly hurt. I don't know if I can overcome that, but I will try. 

 Just enjoy your wedding day. You will, despite this. The most important thing is that you're marrying your fiance. And, fyi, the "secondary invites to hit a minimum" is a big no no. 

edited for typo

AddieCake

She is a crappy person to just disappear out of your life while she was a bridesmaid. You are better off without people like that in your life. Enjoy your wedding despite this bummer!

faeriesglow

I feel like people emphasize too much what is "right" or "wrong" about weddings. Different people have different traditions, and different parts of the US celebrate different ways. I didn't get a single shower gift from my Southern friends/family/future in laws. My New York family was mortified - I really am not that concerned. I went to a cash bar wedding recently - no one had a panic attack, in fact, lots of tables got pitchers of Sangria together and we all had a blast. I don't think friends/family judge as much as everyone thinks they do - and if they do, they shouldn't.

 My main concern with this thread was the issue with my bridesmaid - and my situation now seems to be remedied. Thanks again for all replies.

lilacck28

faeriesglow said:

I feel like people emphasize too much what is "right" or "wrong" about weddings. Different people have different traditions, and different parts of the US celebrate different ways. I didn't get a single shower gift from my Southern friends/family/future in laws. My New York family was mortified - I really am not that concerned. I went to a cash bar wedding recently - no one had a panic attack, in fact, lots of tables got pitchers of Sangria together and we all had a blast. I don't think friends/family judge as much as everyone thinks they do - and if they do, they shouldn't.

 My main concern with this thread was the issue with my bridesmaid - and my situation now seems to be remedied. Thanks again for all replies.

STUCK IN BOX

To the bolded: Really? I'm surprised. I'm not from the south, but based on what I have read on the knot/ pop culture, it always seemed like boxed gifts/ shower gifts are a big deal in the south, and pretty normal. 

PrettyGirlLost

It doesn't matter what region of the US you are from, B listing ppl is rude. You are mistaken to assume your friends and family are going to give you a pass on rude things. . . They probably will never say it to your face, but they will remember if they felt slighted or mistreated for a long time. The Worst Wedding thread on E is proof of that.

Why shouldn't your guests think, "Well this sucks," when they get stuck with a cash bar or the like at an event you are supposed to be hosting?

faeriesglow

PrettyGirlLost said:

It doesn't matter what region of the US you are from, B listing ppl is rude. You are mistaken to assume your friends and family are going to give you a pass on rude things. . . They probably will never say it to your face, but they will remember if they felt slighted or mistreated for a long time. The Worst Wedding thread on E is proof of that. Why shouldn't your guests think, "Well this sucks," when they get stuck with a cash bar or the like at an event you are supposed to be hosting?

Funny the person who says this diatribe has this quote at the bottom

 "in our struggle to "glitter, monogram, and burlap" everything we need to try to remember it is a commitment and celebration of love and the joining of families and NOT a photo/video op~ realblonde474"

I think the ladies on these boards are awfully high on their horses - anyone remember where the ground is? Why must everything be about judging and talking down? I don't really care if anyone of you thinks it is "rude" or a "No no" to have to use 2 rounds of invites. Maybe all of you are fucking loaded and can afford to spend thousands and thousands and thousands on a wedding - I can't, and most people I know can't. I posted this thread for one reason - to ask for help from fellow brides on what to do about an awol bridesmaid. That has been answered, so I guess you all feel you can try to tear me down - well it isn't going to work. Have a nice day, nice life, whatever. I won't be in these forums again.

lilacck28

Tear you down? I told you you would have a lovely wedding, and I gave a simple, not at all harsh, warning that something you mentioned you were doing was often perceived as rude. I wasn't judging you, I was telling you that others may judge you if you decide to proceed with your idea. No skin off my back if you do or don't. 

And no, I'm not loaded, and can't afford to spend thousands and thousands on my wedding. But I knew when I made my guest list and chose my venue and agreed to a minimum that I was taking a chance and if I did not meet the minimum it would be better to eat the cost rather than make people feel less than, or second class citizens, by inviting them in a "second grouping" to account for my poor planning. 

Obviously, feel free to return to the forums if you have another question or would like to comment. Even though you got a lot of supportive responses, and chose to freak out and lash out at the tiniest of reminders of etiquette from someone who is not even that much of a stickler about it. 

edited: word choice

lilacck28

faeriesglow said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

It doesn't matter what region of the US you are from, B listing ppl is rude. You are mistaken to assume your friends and family are going to give you a pass on rude things. . . They probably will never say it to your face, but they will remember if they felt slighted or mistreated for a long time. The Worst Wedding thread on E is proof of that. Why shouldn't your guests think, "Well this sucks," when they get stuck with a cash bar or the like at an event you are supposed to be hosting?

Funny the person who says this diatribe has this quote at the bottom

 "in our struggle to "glitter, monogram, and burlap" everything we need to try to remember it is a commitment and celebration of love and the joining of families and NOT a photo/video op~ realblonde474"

I think the ladies on these boards are awfully high on their horses - anyone remember where the ground is? Why must everything be about judging and talking down? I don't really care if anyone of you thinks it is "rude" or a "No no" to have to use 2 rounds of invites. Maybe all of you are fucking loaded and can afford to spend thousands and thousands and thousands on a wedding - I can't, and most people I know can't. I posted this thread for one reason - to ask for help from fellow brides on what to do about an awol bridesmaid. That has been answered, so I guess you all feel you can try to tear me down - well it isn't going to work. Have a nice day, nice life, whatever. I won't be in these forums again.

jneen101

faeriesglow said:

 I won't be in these forums again.

Bye!

Maggie0829

@faeriesglow - you do realize that you don't actually have to have the minimum number of people at your wedding you just have to pay the amount associated to the minimum number of people, right?  So that means you could talk to your venue about upgrading your bar, adding an extra app or two or even including a special dessert.

But B-listing is very rude and will make your friends/family that you are inviting at the last minute not feel very special or loved but rather they will feel like seat fillers and second tiered friends.

Viczaesar

B listing is rude, no matter how much money you have or where you live.  Don't let the door hit you on the way out, OP.

AddieCake

Why do snowflakes always play the money card, like not having enough money is the reason they should be allowed to pull all these rude faux pas? You don't have enough money so you have to B list? Seriously? 

ashley8918

faeriesglow said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

It doesn't matter what region of the US you are from, B listing ppl is rude. You are mistaken to assume your friends and family are going to give you a pass on rude things. . . They probably will never say it to your face, but they will remember if they felt slighted or mistreated for a long time. The Worst Wedding thread on E is proof of that. Why shouldn't your guests think, "Well this sucks," when they get stuck with a cash bar or the like at an event you are supposed to be hosting?

Funny the person who says this diatribe has this quote at the bottom

 "in our struggle to "glitter, monogram, and burlap" everything we need to try to remember it is a commitment and celebration of love and the joining of families and NOT a photo/video op~ realblonde474"

I think the ladies on these boards are awfully high on their horses - anyone remember where the ground is? Why must everything be about judging and talking down? I don't really care if anyone of you thinks it is "rude" or a "No no" to have to use 2 rounds of invites. Maybe all of you are fucking loaded and can afford to spend thousands and thousands and thousands on a wedding - I can't, and most people I know can't. I posted this thread for one reason - to ask for help from fellow brides on what to do about an awol bridesmaid. That has been answered, so I guess you all feel you can try to tear me down - well it isn't going to work. Have a nice day, nice life, whatever. I won't be in these forums again.

GBCK!

beethery

@ashley8918 what in the hell is GBCK? I googled and I got hebrew letters and irrelevant stuff, so i had to come to the source lol

Jen4948

It means Goodbye Cruel Knot.

AddieCake

beethery said:

what in the hell is GBCK? I googled and I got hebrew letters and irrelevant stuff, so i had to come to the source lol

It's what we say people do when they make an announcement about how they won't be back. Good Bye Cruel Knot!   And flounce off. 

PrettyGirlLost

faeriesglow said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

It doesn't matter what region of the US you are from, B listing ppl is rude. You are mistaken to assume your friends and family are going to give you a pass on rude things. . . They probably will never say it to your face, but they will remember if they felt slighted or mistreated for a long time. The Worst Wedding thread on E is proof of that. Why shouldn't your guests think, "Well this sucks," when they get stuck with a cash bar or the like at an event you are supposed to be hosting?

Funny the person who says this diatribe has this quote at the bottom

 "in our struggle to "glitter, monogram, and burlap" everything we need to try to remember it is a commitment and celebration of love and the joining of families and NOT a photo/video op~ realblonde474"

I think the ladies on these boards are awfully high on their horses - anyone remember where the ground is? Why must everything be about judging and talking down? I don't really care if anyone of you thinks it is "rude" or a "No no" to have to use 2 rounds of invites. Maybe all of you are fucking loaded and can afford to spend thousands and thousands and thousands on a wedding - I can't, and most people I know can't. I posted this thread for one reason - to ask for help from fellow brides on what to do about an awol bridesmaid. That has been answered, so I guess you all feel you can try to tear me down - well it isn't going to work. Have a nice day, nice life, whatever. I won't be in these forums again.

1st, it wasn't a diatribe, but I'm sure you were excited to be able to use an SAT word IRL, huh?

2nd, I wasn't trying to "tear you down" nor was anyone else, we were trying to save you from doing something that is seen as incredibly rude in order to save you face in front of your families and friends.

Read my signature quote and actually think about what it means.