FI got a lap dance.. Am I Overreacting?

babs0726

I'd like to start off by saying that I fully and completely trust my FI and do not think that he would ever cheat on me.  We are both very secure in our relationship and do not have trust, esteem, etc. issues whatsoever.

Last weekend was FI and my bach parties.  I knew that they would end up going to the strip club..and I was completely fine with it.  I had told him how I felt about him getting a lap dance and that it would really bother me.  He said that he had no intentions to and if someone bought one, he'd probably just give it to one of his buddies.  We didn't go much further into detail about it than that.  

So last night, over a week later, strippers got brought up.  He had told me when he got back that they had stopped at the strip club briefly and that was it.  I had just ASSUMED that nothing happened.  So last night when it got brought up, I asked nonchalantly (thinking he'd say no) "did you get a lap dance?"  And he said YES.  I thought he was joking and it turns out he definitely was not.  I was kind of shocked.  I do respect that he was honest with me!  I was pretty upset and he kept saying it wasn't a big deal and "the strippers there don't even get naked". haha.  He told me if he would have known that I cared that much he wouldn't have done it and I should have come right out and said it (even though I did make it very clear that I wouldn't like it).

I understand that I need to get over it and move on.  But I still feel shitty about it.  I get that strippers are "paid professionals" and a lap dance doesn't mean anything, however I feel so disrespected!  The only woman that a man that's engaged to be married should be seeing naked (besides TV) and let alone GRINDING on his JUNK should be his BRIDE.  It just makes me sick to my stomach to think about.  I am very confident with my looks and my body, so I am not jealous that he liked her more than me or anything.  

I'm not second guessing my future with FI or anything crazy, but I can't help but think a little less of him.  I know he loves me so much and it wasn't his intent to hurt me.

Has anyone else gone through this?  How long did it take to move on from it?  I'm so scared I'm going to resent him for a long time over this..  It is shitty because this is the first time I've felt this way toward him.  He's been so good to me!  I just don't think I feel this way for no reason.

Thanks in advance for your support.

climbingsingle

So, if you say you're completely confident with yourself and with your relationship, why do you have a problem with him getting a lap dance? You also said that lap dances don't mean anything. If it doesn't mean anything, why did you tell him not to get one? 

I personally would have no problem with FI getting a lap dance. I don't see what the big deal is. What I do think is a little concerning is that you asked him not to get one and he agreed. However, he did tell you about it and didn't lie. 

So, yes, I do think you're overreacting. 

beethery

Hi, former stripper here! Not all lap dances include grinding. Some dancers do more of the air-dance technique where they'll just kinda shake it in your face. I can't speak on behalf of the dancer your FI got a set from, because I don't know what kind of lap dance she did. But, I can say that most dudes don't get attached to the strippers unless they're regular customers. You are probably overreacting about that. Strippers are doing their job, and no one is making guys show up and pay for their services. Keep that in mind. Don't want your man to go to a strip club? Discuss it with him. Don't blame the ladies.

I saw that you told him how you felt about lap dances, and that he ended up getting one anyway (even though he said he wouldn't). I don't believe that you should think less of him, but I think you and him might want to have a chat about where your boundaries of respect are. It doesn't have to be a screaming match, and no ultimatums need to be put out there, but a chilled-out discussion of "This makes me uncomfortable," would probably be a good idea.

I will say, it was good for him to be comfortable telling you about it when asked. You will get past this issue as long as your discuss it and make sure the problem has been addressed and resolved.

bmydesigner

A couple of things concern me here:

1) You told him how you felt about lap dances, but he still went and got one anyway.

2) Yes he was honest, but I don't like that you had to ask for him to tell you and that it was a week later. Being that you'd already talked about the bach parties, I would think this would have come up.

I can kind of understand why you wouldn't want him to get a lap dance. FI and I haven't really thought about this matter too much yet. But the whole principle of it does make me feel slightly weird. Not because I don't trust FI, but because I don't appreciate another girl on him like that.

That being said, since the situation is done and over with, there isn't much you can do. I would just have a talk with your FI and let him know that it hurts that he didn't respect your wishes, and you hope he'll do so in the future because you will always respect his.

wandajune6

One of my BMs is a stripper. The one rule for FI's bachelor party is that he doesn't see her perform. Somehow that just feels off!

I don't think lap dances are a big deal. That said, it makes me curious that he got one after hearing your objections. I'm more concerned about your interactions with FI than about the dance itself. I would be much more focused on how he explained his actions, if he apologized, etc. than the actual lapdance.

atlastmrsg

If the worst thing he ever does is get a lap dance, you're in really good shape.  C'mon...it's a strip club not escort service.

You know what he'd probably love?  Next time things get boring in bed (a month from now, year...whenever), go WITH him to the strip club.  Get a lap dance as a couple, then go home and things will be extra spicy.

chibiyui

The real issue is that you asked him not to get a lap dance and he did. Now, it could have been a relatively innocent mistake or something more deliberate, but you'll only find that out if you talk to him.

That said, I personally think you're overreacting to the lap dance. The lap dance is not the issue here.

elizabetheleven

Former stripper here as well!

I think there is a lot of misconceptions when it comes to lap dances. It's not what the media makes it out to be, at least with my experience. There is no touching. And remember, that's her job. There is no attachments.

I agree with chibiyui. I think the issue here is you asked him not to and he did anyways. At least there was honesty. Talk to him about how you feel but yes, I believe you are overreacting.

Maggie0829

I agree with chibiyui.  The lap dance is not the issue here.  The issue is that your FI got a lap dance even though you told him that you weren't comfortable with it and then didn't tell you about it until you out right asked him.  This is the only thing you should focus on, his lying and not respecting your wishes, not that he got a lap dance.

banana468

I think you need to ask him if he would have told you without prompting. DH had lap dances at his brother's bachelor party a few years ago even though I didn't like them. We totally trust each other and he basically dais that it was going to happen. He hasn't had one since and it just isn't that big a deal BUT he came right out and told me.

QueerFemme

I would be pissed that you told him in advance, and he still got one.  And he didn't actually tell you until you specifically asked if he got one.  That means to me, that he knew you'd be pissed, so he purposefully kept that from you until he had no choice but to admit it, or lie.     I'd be more concerned about his willingness to tell you stuff in the future.

CMGragain

I really don't understand why his getting a lap dance upsets you. It wouldn't bother me if DH did this.  I would just laugh at him.

AddieCake

Him getting the lap dance wouldn't bother me in itself, but I agree with PPs that since you had made your feelings about it known in advance and he did it anyway, that was disrespectful, and you need to talk to him about that. 

babs0726

Soo.. those of you completely okay with strippers, lap dances, etc. should stop saying “These things are no big deal, you women need to stop caring about them, it’s just some random stranger, it’s not like he’s marrying her!” Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and limits. If your husband were to have sex with another woman, someone in an open marriage saying “sex with other people is seriously no big deal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, at the end of the day he is married to you, and she is just some stranger so why does it even matter?” Would you take kindly to that?? It's not anyone's place to say your limits need to be like their own.

atlastmrsg

babs0726 said:

Soo.. those of you completely okay with strippers, lap dances, etc. should stop saying “These things are no big deal, you women need to stop caring about them, it’s just some random stranger, it’s not like he’s marrying her!” Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and limits. If your husband were to have sex with another woman, someone in an open marriage saying “sex with other people is seriously no big deal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, at the end of the day he is married to you, and she is just some stranger so why does it even matter?” Would you take kindly to that?? It's not anyone's place to say your limits need to be like their own.

Boys will be boys though.  And half the point of a bachelor party is for the guys to do something like go to a strip club.  

VulgarGirl

The fact that he got a lap dance doesn't bother me. The fact that he disregarded you asking him not to get a lap dance does. You told him how you felt about him getting a lap dance prior to the strip club trip. Now, at that point was the time for him to discuss with you why he might want one. But getting one, and then telling you later isn't cool. He's not a child, so you can't just say "You can't do this" and except your word to be law. But you can discuss your feelings with him and reach a mutual agreement both of you are content with. It was wrong of him to decide your feelings were invalid once he was at the strip club.

Having said that, you knew he was going to a strip club. It's kind of like if he were going to a casino and you said "Well you can play the slots all you want, but don't you dare go to the black jack table", strip clubs are going to feature lap dances. It's part of going to a strip club. If you really don't want him to get lap dances, then tell him you don't want him going to strip clubs. 

I also get the sense (and I could be wrong) that you don't have a lot of experience in going to strip clubs yourself, and are basing what happens on what you've seen on TV and in movies. I also used to be a stripper, when I'd give lap dances, there was no grinding on the guy's junk. I might sit on his lap, but no grinding. I mean the strippers don't want him to pop a woody while they're there. That's just weird and awkward. And I wasn't thinking about how sexy the guy was or anything. Usually I'd be thinking of all the things I had to do when I got home. So for the stripper, it's just a job. 

beethery

babs0726 said:

Soo.. those of you completely okay with strippers, lap dances, etc. should stop saying “These things are no big deal, you women need to stop caring about them, it’s just some random stranger, it’s not like he’s marrying her!” Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and limits. If your husband were to have sex with another woman, someone in an open marriage saying “sex with other people is seriously no big deal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, at the end of the day he is married to you, and she is just some stranger so why does it even matter?” Would you take kindly to that?? It's not anyone's place to say your limits need to be like their own.

I am fully ok with the OP not being comfortable with her FI getting a lap dance. Everybody has their limit on stuff, and for some people it's lap dances. I can understand that, I just tried to explain that not all lap dances include grinding.

I do not agree with her FI disregarding her request and then apparently planning to not bring it up ever, that was not OK. She and I are on the same page about that.

hales2010

My FI and I have already had the discussion. Though I 100% trust my fiance he also knows a stripper broke my parents marriage up. It is not the fact I do not like strippers. There is just some bad background with my family and one getting too involved. That being said he said that he will not go to one and if he ends up at one for any reason that it will be just watching. I am kind of concerned with the fact he still went and got a lap dance after you you told him your feelings about them. Though I will admit I am proud of him for being honest with you I would have been more impressed if he would have told you what happened the first time he brought it up. I told my FI I would not be mad as long as he doesnt hide stuff from me. I much rather him come forward and straight up tell me if something happens than give me bits and pieces. Even if he is nervous on how I will react.

I personally do not think you are overacting. I feel that everyone has different reasons for their feelings. I am just more straight forward with telling mine because I have been questioned about it a lot. Some people are more ok with it which is fine but what matters is you are not. I would talk to him and let him know exactly how you feel. I am sure if he knows it upsets you that he will respect your feelings and not let it happen again.

banana468

Soo.. those of you completely okay with strippers, lap dances, etc. should stop saying “These things are no big deal, you women need to stop caring about them, it’s just some random stranger, it’s not like he’s marrying her!” Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and limits. If your husband were to have sex with another woman, someone in an open marriage saying “sex with other people is seriously no big deal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, at the end of the day he is married to you, and she is just some stranger so why does it even matter?” Would you take kindly to that?? It's not anyone's place to say your limits need to be like their own.

The issue here isn't ours. The concerns here are:
1. Your feelings and they're valid.
2. Your trust of your FI.
3. Your ability to communicate effectively in your relationship.

I think there's a big difference here between a lap dance and cheating but that isn't the point. What does your FI think? What had he said about them before you made your wishes known? What has he said since the event?

There's a big difference between never respecting your wishes and having one lap dance. Remember, the communication needs to flow both ways and you need to hear him out if he thinks that your request was unreasonable.

chibiyui

babs0726 said:

Soo.. those of you completely okay with strippers, lap dances, etc. should stop saying “These things are no big deal, you women need to stop caring about them, it’s just some random stranger, it’s not like he’s marrying her!” Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and limits. If your husband were to have sex with another woman, someone in an open marriage saying “sex with other people is seriously no big deal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, at the end of the day he is married to you, and she is just some stranger so why does it even matter?” Would you take kindly to that?? It's not anyone's place to say your limits need to be like their own.

I mean, if you want it blunter, the issue is her FI went and did something after promising (as far as we know from the op) not to. It doesn't matter if it's leaving the toilet seat up, getting a lap dance, going to see a movie she really wanted to see without her, he broke a promise/her trust. That is the issue. There was a breakdown in communication, and it needs to be fixed, whether it's reiterating how much this hurt her, him saying he feels like she should be able to trust him that a lap dance is not cheating, etc.

 Focusing on the lap dance as the issue, allows for bullshit. It's not his fault, it's the strippers. He didn't break a promise, his friends pushed him into it. BULLSHIT. He got a lapdance, and while there are nuances (him being drunk and not realizing he was bought a lap dance until it's happening is much different then him plopping down 20 bucks and yelling "THAT BITCH DON'T OWN ME.") HE broke the promise. The stripper did nothing wrong. When relationships break down, as a society we are far too comfortable blaming the "other woman". Fuck that noise. Good relationships don't just fall apart because of a pretty lady in a g-string. If the OP wants to continue to focus on the lap dance as the issue and not her FI breaking a promise and lying to her, then they might part in their future. But a stopper didn't do that, a bad communication did.

ETA: fucking paragraphs.

chibiyui

atlastmrsg said:

show previous quotes

babs0726 said:

Soo.. those of you completely okay with strippers, lap dances, etc. should stop saying “These things are no big deal, you women need to stop caring about them, it’s just some random stranger, it’s not like he’s marrying her!” Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and limits. If your husband were to have sex with another woman, someone in an open marriage saying “sex with other people is seriously no big deal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, at the end of the day he is married to you, and she is just some stranger so why does it even matter?” Would you take kindly to that?? It's not anyone's place to say your limits need to be like their own.

Boys will be boys though.  And half the point of a bachelor party is for the guys to do something like go to a strip club.  

No offense, but "boys will be boys" is bull. While I generally feel most ladies issues with strip clubs comes from a lack of trust, thats between the lady and her man, in this very gendered example. If the OP's FI promised not to get a lap dance, and then deliberately got a lap dance, thats not "boys will be boys" thats being an asshole, and attitudes like "boys will be boys" excuses men for their jackass behavior. 

babs0726

chibiyui said:

show previous quotes

babs0726 said:

Soo.. those of you completely okay with strippers, lap dances, etc. should stop saying “These things are no big deal, you women need to stop caring about them, it’s just some random stranger, it’s not like he’s marrying her!” Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and limits. If your husband were to have sex with another woman, someone in an open marriage saying “sex with other people is seriously no big deal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, at the end of the day he is married to you, and she is just some stranger so why does it even matter?” Would you take kindly to that?? It's not anyone's place to say your limits need to be like their own.

I mean, if you want it blunter, the issue is her FI went and did something after promising (as far as we know from the op) not to. It doesn't matter if it's leaving the toilet seat up, getting a lap dance, going to see a movie she really wanted to see without her, he broke a promise/her trust. That is the issue. There was a breakdown in communication, and it needs to be fixed, whether it's reiterating how much this hurt her, him saying he feels like she should be able to trust him that a lap dance is not cheating, etc.

 Focusing on the lap dance as the issue, allows for bullshit. It's not his fault, it's the strippers. He didn't break a promise, his friends pushed him into it. BULLSHIT. He got a lapdance, and while there are nuances (him being drunk and not realizing he was bought a lap dance until it's happening is much different then him plopping down 20 bucks and yelling "THAT BITCH DON'T OWN ME.") HE broke the promise. The stripper did nothing wrong. When relationships break down, as a society we are far too comfortable blaming the "other woman". Fuck that noise. Good relationships don't just fall apart because of a pretty lady in a g-string. If the OP wants to continue to focus on the lap dance as the issue and not her FI breaking a promise and lying to her, then they might part in their future. But a stopper didn't do that, a bad communication did.

ETA: fucking paragraphs.

Hahahah that's awesome I just laughed so hard!  I completely see what you're saying.

fall2015bride

To be honest, I wouldn't be too happy if FI had a lap dance, even if it was for his bachelor party. I think there's nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel! It's how you feel! Just try to remember that someone else probably brought on the stripper. He didn't pursue it himself. However, I kind of think since you discussed how you felt about it beforehand he should have maybe stopped the dance or something! I'd feel hurt and upset though that he didn't respect how you felt! I hear you girl!

VulgarGirl

atlastmrsg said:

show previous quotes

babs0726 said:

Soo.. those of you completely okay with strippers, lap dances, etc. should stop saying “These things are no big deal, you women need to stop caring about them, it’s just some random stranger, it’s not like he’s marrying her!” Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and limits. If your husband were to have sex with another woman, someone in an open marriage saying “sex with other people is seriously no big deal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, at the end of the day he is married to you, and she is just some stranger so why does it even matter?” Would you take kindly to that?? It's not anyone's place to say your limits need to be like their own.

Boys will be boys though.  And half the point of a bachelor party is for the guys to do something like go to a strip club.  

No. The bolded part. No. That's a cop out bullshit excuse. Boys and girls will both be humans and fuck up. Boys will be boys is the worst fucking line ever to excuse a guy from doing something his partner doesn't want him to do. Fuck that shit. He is not a drooling idiot who can't figure out how to say no to a pair of tits. He made a decision to have a lap dance despite what his partner told him about how she felt. Regardless of his penis, he needed to respect her wishes. They need to talk like grown ups about his. Not cop out with a bullshit excuse.

If you can't tell, I really hate that stupid saying.

QueerFemme

atlastmrsg said:

show previous quotes

babs0726 said:

Soo.. those of you completely okay with strippers, lap dances, etc. should stop saying “These things are no big deal, you women need to stop caring about them, it’s just some random stranger, it’s not like he’s marrying her!” Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and limits. If your husband were to have sex with another woman, someone in an open marriage saying “sex with other people is seriously no big deal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, at the end of the day he is married to you, and she is just some stranger so why does it even matter?” Would you take kindly to that?? It's not anyone's place to say your limits need to be like their own.

Boys will be boys though.  And half the point of a bachelor party is for the guys to do something like go to a strip club.  

This statement is gross.   It makes it sound like anyone with a penis has absolutely no control over their behavior or actions.     Just because he is male, doesn't mean he had to make the decision to get a lap dance.  His penis doesn't control his brain.

hikebikebemerry

I'm too lazy to find the quote, but I really don't understand why people don't like entire professions because of the actions of a single person. A graphic designer was part of the reason that my parents split- but people would call me ridiculous if I was like, "Yeah, it's just a personal thing I have against graphic designers." It takes two to tango. Edited because of paragraphs and autocorrect fails.

slothiegal

MagicInk said:

show previous quotes

atlastmrsg said:

babs0726 said:

Soo.. those of you completely okay with strippers, lap dances, etc. should stop saying “These things are no big deal, you women need to stop caring about them, it’s just some random stranger, it’s not like he’s marrying her!” Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and limits. If your husband were to have sex with another woman, someone in an open marriage saying “sex with other people is seriously no big deal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, at the end of the day he is married to you, and she is just some stranger so why does it even matter?” Would you take kindly to that?? It's not anyone's place to say your limits need to be like their own.

Boys will be boys though.  And half the point of a bachelor party is for the guys to do something like go to a strip club.  

No. The bolded part. No. That's a cop out bullshit excuse. Boys and girls will both be humans and fuck up. Boys will be boys is the worst fucking line ever to excuse a guy from doing something his partner doesn't want him to do. Fuck that shit. He is not a drooling idiot who can't figure out how to say no to a pair of tits. He made a decision to have a lap dance despite what his partner told him about how she felt. Regardless of his penis, he needed to respect her wishes. They need to talk like grown ups about his. Not cop out with a bullshit excuse.

If you can't tell, I really hate that stupid saying.

THANK YOU.  That line makes my skin crawl.  

Fucking bullshit and I hate when people use that excuse in any situation.

Maggie0829

fall2015bride said:

To be honest, I wouldn't be too happy if FI had a lap dance, even if it was for his bachelor party. I think there's nothing wrong with feeling the way you feel! It's how you feel! Just try to remember that someone else probably brought on the stripper. He didn't pursue it himself. However, I kind of think since you discussed how you felt about it beforehand he should have maybe stopped the dance or something! I'd feel hurt and upset though that he didn't respect how you felt! I hear you girl!

And how do you know that?  The OPs FI went back on his word so why should she believe that it wasn't him that bought the lap dance but rather it was one of his friends?  I mean if the OPs FI can disrespect her to the point of not listening to her wishes then I wouldn't put it past him to buy himself a lap dance.

VulgarGirl

hikebikebemerry said:

I'm too lazy to find the quote, but I really don't understand why people don't like entire professions because of the actions of a single person. A graphic designer was part of the reason that my parents split- but people would call me ridiculous if I was like, "Yeah, it's just a personal thing I have against graphic designers." It takes two to tango. Edited because of paragraphs and autocorrect fails.

Fucking graphic designers slutting around, ruining marriages.

My parents split up because of a marriage counselor. Oh neither of them slept with the marriage counselor but the counselor asked them why they wanted to be married to each other and they realized that maybe they'd be better apart (they were right). Fucking marriage counselors.

atlastmrsg

This is also a good case for picking battles.  It's his bachelor party.  He was supposed to go have fun.  He did.  He didn't cheat, get an STD, get arrested for public intox, drain a bank account, end up in a hospital with alcohol poisoning, or get a tattoo.

Problem number one--trying to control the bachelor party.  If you're marrying him, presumably he's trustworthy and will have fun without doing anything stupid.

Problem number two: asking about the bachelor party.  It should have been something for him and the guys, not something where you get the play by play anyway.

bmydesigner

hikebikebemerry said:

I'm too lazy to find the quote, but I really don't understand why people don't like entire professions because of the actions of a single person. A graphic designer was part of the reason that my parents split- but people would call me ridiculous if I was like, "Yeah, it's just a personal thing I have against graphic designers." It takes two to tango. Edited because of paragraphs and autocorrect fails.

Lol so much this right now.

But hey, you never know. Us graphic designers can get pretty sleezy can't be trusted!