Likely family drama at my wedding. What would you do?

ashley8918

PrettyGirlLost said:

flutterbride2b said:

With the new information I would not send grandma an invitation.  I wouldn't feel comfortable asking any of my family to be in the same room with them after the behavior she's displayed.  The FB comment was just the icing on the cake.

This sounds like a serious mental illnes rearing its head or perhaps an undiagnosed brain tumor.

I'm sorry that you and your family are having issues with Grandma, but considering her behavior, I would likely not invite her.

ETA: Wait I just reread your post- you say "grandparents" as in both your grandmother and grandfather are actively harassing your Aunt and her family?  WTF is your grandfather's problem?  Mental illness and brain tumors are not contagious. . . sounds like they are both just nasty assholes.  Don't invite either to your wedding, IMO.

Yes, both of them. Sort of. My grandma is definitely the ring leader, and it seems liek he is just following along. I honestly think he is afraid of her. We (the rest of the family) thinks that there may be some abuse involved, but nobody is sure.

PrettyGirlLost

ashley8918 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

flutterbride2b said:

With the new information I would not send grandma an invitation.  I wouldn't feel comfortable asking any of my family to be in the same room with them after the behavior she's displayed.  The FB comment was just the icing on the cake.

This sounds like a serious mental illnes rearing its head or perhaps an undiagnosed brain tumor.

I'm sorry that you and your family are having issues with Grandma, but considering her behavior, I would likely not invite her.

ETA: Wait I just reread your post- you say "grandparents" as in both your grandmother and grandfather are actively harassing your Aunt and her family?  WTF is your grandfather's problem?  Mental illness and brain tumors are not contagious. . . sounds like they are both just nasty assholes.  Don't invite either to your wedding, IMO.

Yes, both of them. Sort of. My grandma is definitely the ring leader, and it seems liek he is just following along. I honestly think he is afraid of her. We (the rest of the family) thinks that there may be some abuse involved, but nobody is sure.

Has anyone sought out professional advice regarding her questionable mental health and the fear that she is abusing your grandfather?

I know it's very hard to 302 an adult, but it can be done.  But more importantly, it sounds like your family may need some professional support to help them deal with your grandparents' awful behavior and the dysfunction it is causing throughout the whole family.

It's such a shame, I'm sorry!

ashley8918

PrettyGirlLost said:

Has anyone sought out professional advice regarding her questionable mental health and the fear that she is abusing your grandfather?

I know it's very hard to 302 an adult, but it can be done.  But more importantly, it sounds like your family may need some professional support to help them deal with your grandparents' awful behavior and the dysfunction it is causing throughout the whole family.

It's such a shame, I'm sorry!

I'm honestly not really sure. My mom, aunt and uncle are not giving me all of the details of the situation. It was very difficult to even get this much out of them. It is really making me angry, but i know that they still see me as a "child" (for FFS, I am a 24 year old mother of 2, divorcee, and soon-to-be wife again, I AM AN ADULT) and are trying to shelter me from the situation.

Most of the information I have, I got from my grandma herself. As I am the only one she still speaks to, she absolutely LOVES to tell me about all of this and about how horrible her children are, etc. I have tried to put a stop to that, but i still get it in little bits and pieces.

ashley8918

P.S. Thank you everyone for being so supportive. It is really hard to discuss this with anyone... it's just so crazy!

Jen4948

ashley8918 said:

P.S. Thank you everyone for being so supportive. It is really hard to discuss this with anyone... it's just so crazy!

That's what we're here for.  Best wishes!

tammym1001

Wow that really isn't the kind of story that I was expecting. If this is new behavior in your grandma in the last few years I would definitely some early on set dementia or some sort of other health problem. Unfortunately, a lot of spouses look the other way when this happens because they don't want to believe that something could be wrong.

If you decide to go ahead and invite your grandma I would definitely have security on hand.

Viczaesar

Yikes.  I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.  I'm not going to tell you what to do because I know how difficult it is to deal with loved but mentally unstable family members, but I'll tell you what I think I would do in this situation.  I would wait and reevaluate right before sending out invitations and if things haven't settled down significantly by then I wouldn't invite my grandparents, because it's my responsibility as a host not to put my guests in danger, and grandma sounds unhinged enough that she really might be a physical danger to others (especially with the Facebook comment about killing her daughter). 

ashley8918

Viczaesar said:

Yikes.  I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.  I'm not going to tell you what to do because I know how difficult it is to deal with loved but mentally unstable family members, but I'll tell you what I think I would do in this situation.  I would wait and reevaluate right before sending out invitations and if things haven't settled down significantly by then I wouldn't invite my grandparents, because it's my responsibility as a host not to put my guests in danger, and grandma sounds unhinged enough that she really might be a physical danger to others (especially with the Facebook comment about killing her daughter). 

Thank you. I really think you are right, it is best to wait and see how the situation plays itself out. I think I will just work on getting security lined up, just in case.

LondonLisa

Wow, that is really, really hard. 

I agree, if this behaviour is out of the blue, it sounds like this may be some sort of mental illness. However, with things like dementia, rarely is it so focused and topic specific. Meaning, that it is usually sudden aggressive outbursts directed at the closest person, but it usually isn't sustained, grudge-holding anger directed at one specific person. 

Can you take your grandfather out for a meal or a coffee and just talk to him? Don't bring up this drama or anything, but if there is abuse, it might be good to keep that line open. If you feel comfortable with him, there might be a way to say: "I'm worried about a scene at my wedding" and listening to him/ his advice. 

I agree that a good thing might be to sit on the invitation situation and see how things are closer to the date. If you are going to be on edge the whole wedding, waiting for a fight to break out, you aren't going to enjoy it. Sending you hugs!

PrettyGirlLost

tammym1001 said:

Wow that really isn't the kind of story that I was expecting. If this is new behavior in your grandma in the last few years I would definitely some early on set dementia or some sort of other health problem. Unfortunately, a lot of spouses look the other way when this happens because they don't want to believe that something could be wrong.

If you decide to go ahead and invite your grandma I would definitely have security on hand.

Grandpa isn't looking away. . . he's actively participating in the harrasment and ugly behavior.

ashley8918

LondonLisa said:

Wow, that is really, really hard. 

I agree, if this behaviour is out of the blue, it sounds like this may be some sort of mental illness. However, with things like dementia, rarely is it so focused and topic specific. Meaning, that it is usually sudden aggressive outbursts directed at the closest person, but it usually isn't sustained, grudge-holding anger directed at one specific person. 

Can you take your grandfather out for a meal or a coffee and just talk to him? Don't bring up this drama or anything, but if there is abuse, it might be good to keep that line open. If you feel comfortable with him, there might be a way to say: "I'm worried about a scene at my wedding" and listening to him/ his advice. 

I agree that a good thing might be to sit on the invitation situation and see how things are closer to the date. If you are going to be on edge the whole wedding, waiting for a fight to break out, you aren't going to enjoy it. Sending you hugs!

I don't think he breathes without telling her, so It might be hard to get him alone, but I can certainly try. Actually, I do need him to get fitted for a tux (he is walking me down the aisle-hopefully... If he is there) in the next month or 2, so that might be a good opportunity. Thank you!

peachy13

This is upsetting to hear for you and your family! I think your family realizes that you have to invite your grandmother, but that she is also going into a strange mindset of negativity and anger. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like she can be reasoned with and she will probably only get worse as she gets older. I would do as you're doing... plan to hire security and definitely have her sit away from your aunt and uncle. Maybe you could even plan to have a neutral family member keep an eye out on her alcohol intake, etc. and alert security if something happens. 

I would also wait until closer to the wedding, let's say a week before so she doesn't have all this time before October to dwell on it, to let confirm with her that your aunt and uncle will be guests as well and that they will be on their best behavior for your wedding, and that you hope she can do the same and put aside differences for the sake of your special day.

Good luck!

RebeccaB88

Does anyone else think that just having The Talk with Grandma might be enough that she turns on OP and ends that relationship too? I mean, if she's that crazy....

MamaAlly89

Don't you love family! We have a lot of family drama as well, so I feel your pain. I think it is a great idea to have someone on hand to ask people to leave if they cause a scene. That's what we are doing!

Jen4948

RebeccaB88 said:

Does anyone else think that just having The Talk with Grandma might be enough that she turns on OP and ends that relationship too? I mean, if she's that crazy....

Yes, this is what I think.  And unfortunately, I think Grandma is crazy enough to throw a temper tantrum and perhaps even make other trouble at the wedding and will have to be escorted out, and that will cause her to start treating the OP the same as she treats the aunt and uncle.

ashley8918

RebeccaB88 said:

Does anyone else think that just having The Talk with Grandma might be enough that she turns on OP and ends that relationship too? I mean, if she's that crazy....

I am pretty worried about this. I am hoping that if I approach it in the right way (i.e don't appear to be taking sides), it might be okay? Like if I mention that i had the same talk with my aunt (I dont need to, she knows better. But, whatever.)?

cmorino12

I'm kinda in the same situation too. I have lots of family drama and I'm just inviting everybody because they're all still family & love them to death. But my fiance & I agreed that if anyone starts any drama at all, God knows how long it'll last, were asking them to leave.

pinkshorts27

ashley8918 said:

I personally wouldn't do anything.

I don't think that this is an option. I am not going to allow anyone to be harassed at my wedding. To give an example of why I am so worried, my grandma was recently removed from court proceedings for hurling obscenities at my aunt and threatening to get her fired from her job.

I would not invite anyone to the wedding that treated my family like that. I could not bear to support that behavior. Behavior like that, whether directed at me or not, ends my relationship with that person, family or not.

pinkshorts27

ashley8918 said:

RebeccaB88 said:

Does anyone else think that just having The Talk with Grandma might be enough that she turns on OP and ends that relationship too? I mean, if she's that crazy....

I am pretty worried about this. I am hoping that if I approach it in the right way (i.e don't appear to be taking sides), it might be okay? Like if I mention that i had the same talk with my aunt (I dont need to, she knows better. But, whatever.)?

I don't understand why you wouldn't want to take sides. If someone was treating my aunt/uncle like this, you bet your ass I would take sides and fast. No hesitation. I would not support such behavior by continuing to invite them to events. It is clear they can not behave as civilized adults so they should not be invited to civilized gatherings (weddings included)

ashley8918

pinkshorts27 said:

ashley8918 said:

RebeccaB88 said:

Does anyone else think that just having The Talk with Grandma might be enough that she turns on OP and ends that relationship too? I mean, if she's that crazy....

I am pretty worried about this. I am hoping that if I approach it in the right way (i.e don't appear to be taking sides), it might be okay? Like if I mention that i had the same talk with my aunt (I dont need to, she knows better. But, whatever.)?

I don't understand why you wouldn't want to take sides. If someone was treating my aunt/uncle like this, you bet your ass I would take sides and fast. No hesitation. I would not support such behavior by continuing to invite them to events. It is clear they can not behave as civilized adults so they should not be invited to civilized gatherings (weddings included)

I'm not willing to publicly take sides because she is my grandma, I think she needs help, and i'm not ready to end my relationship with her. I also don't want to further alienate my grandpa.

LadyBelle11

We have a bit of a family situation involving my paternal grandmother as well, although it is not quite as extensive as yours (she is still VERY angry about my grandfather divorcing her and remarrying). The way we are solving it is by putting my grandmother on the opposite side of the room from my grandfather and his wife. We are also lucky enough to have a family friend (my maternal grandmother's caretaker who is just sweet as pie) who told my mother she will keep my paternal grandma under control and under watch. I don't know if you have anyone who could keep a watchful eye and keep the peace, but that is just one suggestion.

PrettyGirlLost

pinkshorts27 said:

ashley8918 said:

RebeccaB88 said:

Does anyone else think that just having The Talk with Grandma might be enough that she turns on OP and ends that relationship too? I mean, if she's that crazy....

I am pretty worried about this. I am hoping that if I approach it in the right way (i.e don't appear to be taking sides), it might be okay? Like if I mention that i had the same talk with my aunt (I dont need to, she knows better. But, whatever.)?

I don't understand why you wouldn't want to take sides. If someone was treating my aunt/uncle like this, you bet your ass I would take sides and fast. No hesitation. I would not support such behavior by continuing to invite them to events. It is clear they can not behave as civilized adults so they should not be invited to civilized gatherings (weddings included)

I'm not willing to publicly take sides because she is my grandma, I think she needs help, and i'm not ready to end my relationship with her. I also don't want to further alienate my grandpa.

Ashley, I am very sorry that you are in this position and that your entire family is suffering. It is very hard and heartbreaking when a beloved family member seemingly just looses their shit one day and starts to act so horrendously out of character.  And it's especially heartbreaking when the root cause very well may be an undiagnosed mental illness.

I think you really need to discuss your family situation with a counselor, especially one that specializes in family systems theory, to get suggestions on how to deal with your family in the context of your wedding and beyond. 

 I understand you want to maintain a relationship with your grandparents, but then you need to realize and fully accept that in doing so you accept that they are treating your Aunt and her family in an absolutely horrendous way, that their behavior is abusive and totally unhealthy, and that if you choose to try to remain neutral in this situation there is a very strong probability that your grandparents will act badly at your wedding and likely cause a public scene. 

Are you prepared to deal with a public scene at your wedding? The only thing I can see that you can do to mitigate your grandparents is to hire a DOC and security and instruct them to physically remove anyone who acts out. 

Talking to your grandfather is not an effective strategy to try and prevent an outburst from your grandmother because he is part of the problem himself; he is fused in an unhealthy and dysfunctional dynamic with your grandmother, he is actively engaging in the harassment of your aunt by your account, and he will likely act very defensively at the suggestion that grandma needs to modify her behavior for the sake of keeping the peace at your wedding, and he will take grandma's side and likely report to her the entirety of your conversation.

To be perfectly blunt, a person who is acting this poorly and with this amount of malice towards her own daughter, including making death threats,  isn't going to give a flying rat's ass about not ruining your wedding.  Especially when she has already severed her relationship with her other grandchildren.  In the grand scheme of things I don't think you are more important to your grandmother than her own self-serving drama is to her.

What is more important to you and your FI, catering to your grandparents and further enabling their bad behavior so as not to take sides at the expense of risking the enjoyment and comfort of your Aunt, the rest of your family, and your FI's guests?  Or risking severing an already unhealthy relationship between your grandparents for the sake of truly making your wedding a conflict free and enjoyable event for all of your guests?

I just want to leave you with one final thought for your consideration- There is a huge difference between keeping the peace and making piece in the context of conflict in families and all relationships.*  Peacekeeping takes a lot of work, saps energy, and is usually a never-ending task.  Peacemaking lays groundwork for authentic peace to rule.

Peacekeepers work hard to keep the tensions from rising. They work hard at pretending that nothing is wrong and nothing is bothering them.  Peacemakers allow tensions to surface, even encourage tensions to be aired. They might even precipitate conflict.

Peacekeepers avoid conflict at any cost. Their reward is the semblance of peace and tranquility and the slow demise of their integrity.  Peacemakers invite necessary conflict because they know there is no other pathway to increasing of understanding between warring people and groups.

*Relevant text taken from http://www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/02/27/peacekeeping-peacemaking-there-is-a-difference/, religious references removed.

OliveOilsMom

I'm mostly late to this thread, but is there anyway you can sit down with your aunt, uncle, and mom. Tell them that you know they aren't sharing what is going on with grandma, but she is telling you everything. Tell them that you feel that she is in the beginning stages of dementia and that she needs help. It is possible, depending on how its done, if your aunt and uncle file a restraining order. When they go to court to make it permanent, they may be able to ask a judge to get grandma tested via the court system. If they can show a judge that grandma suddenly changed, it may be enough to get grandma tested. If the restraining order judge doesn't make grandma get tested, once she violates it - which she will based on your description of her harassment, she can be arrested and then that judge can make grandma get tested. While none of this is ideal, it seems that grandma needs to get medically tested and this could be a way to force it.