Likely family drama at my wedding. What would you do?

ashley8918

So, my aunt and her husband were recently forced to make a very difficult choice that angered my grandma (I can give more details if you'd like I just didn't want to type a novel if it want necessary). It has gotten very ugly to the point that there have been court appearances. For the record, my aunt and her family are 100% right, but that is neither here nor there.

Obviously, as these are my close family members they are all invited to my wedding but as the situation develops I'm getting more and more concerned about my grandma causing a scene at my wedding. She has made comments to lead me to believe that she will and I'm concerned about how to handle this.

Invited not been sent out yet as my wedding is not until October, however I have no intention of not inviting either party. While I think what my grandma is doing is disgusting and terrible she hasn't done anything to me and I wouldn't feel comfortable destroying my relationship with her over this.

I'm considering hiring security and notifying them that my grandma may need to be removed if she causes the scene. What do you think of this? is this something you would do?

ETA: I would only have her removed if she has an outburst or that makes any threats against my aunts family (given the situation as of late, this would not surprise me. It is really sad.)

ashley8918

P.s. Sorry for any crazy formatting. I am knotting on mobile.

ride0rdie

I personally wouldn't do anything.

photokitty

Hire security. Invite everyone. If grandma makes any more comments that lead you to believe she will cause a scene - call her on it! Say,  "I honestly hope everyone can get along for my sake at the wedding. I am not involved in this feud and it would be sad and vindictive of people to cause a scene at our wedding. Please set your differences aside for one day, for me, because you love me." Or something to that effect. GL!!!!

Jen4948

This is exactly what I would do.  Have a DOC and security, let them know that your grandmother might behave inappropriately, and let them know what you want them to do if she does.  

You might want to give your grandmother a heads-up too if she does indicate that she's going to do this (not otherwise), as in, "Grandma, I know that there have been problems between you and other family members, but I want to let you know that my wedding is not the time or place to discuss them.  If you're going to attend the wedding, then I need you to leave the issues between you and the other family members at home for the day. Otherwise, I need you not to attend the wedding, because any scenes or other inappropriate behavior will get you escorted away."

ashley8918

ride0rdie said:

I personally wouldn't do anything.

I don't think that this is an option. I am not going to allow anyone to be harassed at my wedding.

To give an example of why I am so worried, my grandma was recently removed from court proceedings for hurling obscenities at my aunt and threatening to get her fired from her job.

ashley8918

photokitty said:

Hire security. Invite everyone. If grandma makes any more comments that lead you to believe she will cause a scene - call her on it! Say,  "I honestly hope everyone can get along for my sake at the wedding. I am not involved in this feud and it would be sad and vindictive of people to cause a scene at our wedding. Please set your differences aside for one day, for me, because you love me." Or something to that effect. GL!!!!

Thank you! I have been struggling with something that I could say to her without making it seem like I am "not on her side".

ashley8918

Jen4948 said:

This is exactly what I would do.  Have a DOC and security, let them know that your grandmother might behave inappropriately, and let them know what you want them to do if she does.  

You might want to give your grandmother a heads-up too if she does indicate that she's going to do this (not otherwise), as in, "Grandma, I know that there have been problems between you and other family members, but I want to let you know that my wedding is not the time or place to discuss them.  If you're going to attend the wedding, then I need you to leave the issues between you and the other family members at home for the day. Otherwise, I need you not to attend the wedding, because any scenes or other inappropriate behavior will get you escorted away."

That is a good idea. She hasn't made any comments directly to me that indicate her desire to cause a scene like this, but If she does, I would feel comfortable saying something like this to her.

photokitty

Don't forget to sit them on opposites sides of the room and away from common areas - such as the bar. Do all your can to avoid them crossing paths.

I have a pair of uncles we have to do this with, but since the family started planning accordingly we have not had another incident. They almost got into a first fit at one wedding. Awesome...SMH

GL!! I feel for ya!

ashley8918

photokitty said:

Don't forget to sit them on opposites sides of the room and away from common areas - such as the bar. Do all your can to avoid them crossing paths.

I have a pair of uncles we have to do this with, but since the family started planning accordingly we have not had another incident. They almost got into a first fit at one wedding. Awesome...SMH

GL!! I feel for ya!

Omg! I am terrified of something like this happening. I don't think my aunt would participate in a fight, but I can totally see my grandpa and uncle getting into it. Ugh, I am so annoyed at having to deal with this.

Jen4948

photokitty said:

Don't forget to sit them on opposites sides of the room and away from common areas - such as the bar. Do all your can to avoid them crossing paths.

I have a pair of uncles we have to do this with, but since the family started planning accordingly we have not had another incident. They almost got into a first fit at one wedding. Awesome...SMH

GL!! I feel for ya!

I agree about keeping them seated away from each other, but even so, they may still cross paths, such as in the restrooms and outside.  Definitely don't have them in photos together though!

photokitty

ashley8918 said:

Don't forget to sit them on opposites sides of the room and away from common areas - such as the bar. Do all your can to avoid them crossing paths.

I have a pair of uncles we have to do this with, but since the family started planning accordingly we have not had another incident. They almost got into a first fit at one wedding. Awesome...SMH

GL!! I feel for ya!

Omg! I am terrified of something like this happening. I don't think my aunt would participate in a fight, but I can totally see my grandpa and uncle getting into it. Ugh, I am so annoyed at having to deal with this.

That's why you hire security, warn them about the potential problem guests and carefully plan your seating chart. It really makes a huge difference. It'll be fine, you just have to go into the situation prepared They will probably all leave early anyway - or at least the calmer heads will.

If you have ushers, make sure they know to seat them with a row or two in between for the ceremony. Or seat Grandma with your parents just to be safe.

Zhabeego

Whichever of your parents is her child should have a quiet word with her that your wedding is not the time or place to confront or have it out with your Aunt. If they won't speak with her, you should. "Grandma, i know there has been tension with Aunt but I'm asking everyone to set aside their differences for my wedding day. Would you do that for me?" If the answer is anything less than a wholehearted yes, then "anyone creating drama WILL be asked to leave and escorted out if need be."

tammym1001

Am I the only one who wants to be nosy and know what's going on?

ashley8918

tammym1001 said:

Am I the only one who wants to be nosy and know what's going on?

Haha, ask and you shall receive. I'll try to give the reader's digest version.

For the past few years, my grandma has been getting increasingly more crazy. We are all concerned that something is ACTUALLY wrong, but she wont hear it, so there isn't much to be done. About 3 years ago, she picked fights with all 3 of her children and stopped talking to them (permanently? who knows at this point?). She then proceeded to find reason to dislike and not speak to all of her grandchildren... except me for some unknown reason. 

Anyway, about a year or so ago she sent a really nasty letter to my aunt (the aunt in question) stating that she would be taking them to court for the money that she owes them (my grandparents) from TEN YEARS AGO. And then a bunch of other nasty things (i.e. "you are a fat, lazy, pathetic, ungrateful excuse for a child"... yes. She said that, among other things). Basically, my grandparents put a substantial amount of money into bailing them out of a bad situation ten years prior. In those 10 years, their financial situation continued to decline and they discussed the fact that they simply did not have the means to pay her back (totally not their fault, there we lay offs and major medical situations with their kids that could not have been foreseen). Additionally, they never asked my grandparents to help them, they chose to do it because "that's what family does".

In the year since then, nothing has really happened; however, my aunt an uncle recently had to file bankruptcy. In discussion with their bankruptcy lawyer, he strongly recommended that they include their debt to my grandparents in their bankruptcy. Normally in situations like this where it is a family matter, and no legal repayment agreement exists, it is left out of the bankruptcy. However, because of her letter indicating her desire to sue them for "everything they've got", and my grandparents continued harassment of them (phone calls, flyers distributed in my aunts community airing their dirty laundry, etc) he convinced them that they really should include it.

When my grandma received notification of the bankruptcy, she totally flew off the handle. She has continued to harass and threaten my aunt and uncle with phone calls; letters to their neighbors, employers and friends; driving by their house all the time; cornering their kids (aunt and uncles kids) in public and spewing hateful bullshit about their parents.

My grandparents have no showed up to 2 bankruptcy hearings and berated my aunt an uncle, called them names, followed them out to the their car, etc. The most recent incident was at a hearing today, when my grandma hurled obscenities at my aunt, threatened to call her employer and get her fired, etc.

There is wayyyyyyy more, but this is just the gist of it.

ETA - OH! I totally forgot about the insane thing that she posted on Facebook. One my grandma's nieces posted one of those cutesy pictures on mothers day with some quote about how great moms are, and how they will do anything for you, etc. My grandma commented on it with "or she will kill you if you keep fucking with her". That was obviously directed at my aunt. I suggested that my aunt call the police at that point, but she is still hesitant to do that to her mother. I would have done it in a second. Sorry mom!

Jen4948

Does your grandma suffer from dementia or any other illness that could be responsible for her behavior?

theartistformerlyknownas

<snip>

ETA - OH! I totally forgot about the insane thing that she posted on Facebook. One my grandma's nieces posted one of those cutesy pictures on mothers day with some quote about how great moms are, and how they will do anything for you, etc. My grandma commented on it with "or she will kill you if you keep fucking with her". That was obviously directed at my aunt. I suggested that my aunt call the police at that point, but she is still hesitant to do that to her mother. I would have done it in a second. Sorry mom!

Um, if she is making death threats against your aunt (and presumably any of her other children) I would NOT be inviting her. Sounds like it's only a matter of time before you're on her bad side anyway.

If you're still not comfortable with that, I would definitely follow PPs advice about a sit-down to warn her beforehand that if you have reason to suspect she won't behave, you will be forced to not invite her. And hire security/warn the DOC that you may have problems with her so they can remove her as discretely as possible.

kmmssg

ashley8918 said:

tammym1001 said:

Am I the only one who wants to be nosy and know what's going on?

Haha, ask and you shall receive. I'll try to give the reader's digest version.

For the past few years, my grandma has been getting increasingly more crazy. We are all concerned that something is ACTUALLY wrong, but she wont hear it, so there isn't much to be done. About 3 years ago, she picked fights with all 3 of her children and stopped talking to them (permanently? who knows at this point?). She then proceeded to find reason to dislike and not speak to all of her grandchildren... except me for some unknown reason. 

Anyway, about a year or so ago she sent a really nasty letter to my aunt (the aunt in question) stating that she would be taking them to court for the money that she owes them (my grandparents) from TEN YEARS AGO. And then a bunch of other nasty things (i.e. "you are a fat, lazy, pathetic, ungrateful excuse for a child"... yes. She said that, among other things). Basically, my grandparents put a substantial amount of money into bailing them out of a bad situation ten years prior. In those 10 years, their financial situation continued to decline and they discussed the fact that they simply did not have the means to pay her back (totally not their fault, there we lay offs and major medical situations with their kids that could not have been foreseen). Additionally, they never asked my grandparents to help them, they chose to do it because "that's what family does".

In the year since then, nothing has really happened; however, my aunt an uncle recently had to file bankruptcy. In discussion with their bankruptcy lawyer, he strongly recommended that they include their debt to my grandparents in their bankruptcy. Normally in situations like this where it is a family matter, and no legal repayment agreement exists, it is left out of the bankruptcy. However, because of her letter indicating her desire to sue them for "everything they've got", and my grandparents continued harassment of them (phone calls, flyers distributed in my aunts community airing their dirty laundry, etc) he convinced them that they really should include it.

When my grandma received notification of the bankruptcy, she totally flew off the handle. She has continued to harass and threaten my aunt and uncle with phone calls; letters to their neighbors, employers and friends; driving by their house all the time; cornering their kids (aunt and uncles kids) in public and spewing hateful bullshit about their parents.

My grandparents have no showed up to 2 bankruptcy hearings and berated my aunt an uncle, called them names, followed them out to the their car, etc. The most recent incident was at a hearing today, when my grandma hurled obscenities at my aunt, threatened to call her employer and get her fired, etc.

There is wayyyyyyy more, but this is just the gist of it.

ETA - OH! I totally forgot about the insane thing that she posted on Facebook. One my grandma's nieces posted one of those cutesy pictures on mothers day with some quote about how great moms are, and how they will do anything for you, etc. My grandma commented on it with "or she will kill you if you keep fucking with her". That was obviously directed at my aunt. I suggested that my aunt call the police at that point, but she is still hesitant to do that to her mother. I would have done it in a second. Sorry mom!

Whoa - ok, we have gone from a a dysfunctional family spat to a bat shit crazy grandmother.  In my eyes that is a threat and if it were my wedding, that would be one big fat no go on the invitation list.  This is beyond a family spat - and I do have great concern for mental instability.  Unfortunately, it is hard to force someone to be examined against their wishes.

In all honesty, I would say nothing right now and see how this continues to play.  If this keeps going in a threatening direction, there is no way I would ask my aunt to be in the same room with her.  Yes, it is important to have family at your wedding, but they have to earn that a little by their actions.  She is a major legal problem/arrest waiting to happen.

I am so sorry.

ashley8918

Jen4948 said:

Does your grandma suffer from dementia or any other illness that could be responsible for her behavior?

I honestly think that she might. Nothing has been diagnosed, but this behavior is so incredibly uncharacteristic. At least, until these past few years. But she refuses to entertain the idea, and my grandpa acts like he doesnt see it. It's sad, really.

Jen4948

ashley8918 said:

Jen4948 said:

Does your grandma suffer from dementia or any other illness that could be responsible for her behavior?

I honestly think that she might. Nothing has been diagnosed, but this behavior is so incredibly uncharacteristic. At least, until these past few years. But she refuses to entertain the idea, and my grandpa acts like he doesnt see it. It's sad, really.

That is sad.  But in the absence of a medical diagnosis, it sounds like there really isn't anything you can do but enforce the boundary that she will be removed by security if she behaves inappropriately at your wedding.  It's just that after reading your post about the background of the feud, it did sound like her mind might be affected by some type of medical condition.

ashley8918

lolo883 said:

<snip>

ETA - OH! I totally forgot about the insane thing that she posted on Facebook. One my grandma's nieces posted one of those cutesy pictures on mothers day with some quote about how great moms are, and how they will do anything for you, etc. My grandma commented on it with "or she will kill you if you keep fucking with her". That was obviously directed at my aunt. I suggested that my aunt call the police at that point, but she is still hesitant to do that to her mother. I would have done it in a second. Sorry mom!

Um, if she is making death threats against your aunt (and presumably any of her other children) I would NOT be inviting her. Sounds like it's only a matter of time before you're on her bad side anyway.

If you're still not comfortable with that, I would definitely follow PPs advice about a sit-down to warn her beforehand that if you have reason to suspect she won't behave, you will be forced to not invite her. And hire security/warn the DOC that you may have problems with her so they can remove her as discretely as possible.

I totally get where you're coming from, and I am really struggling with this. As the only family member she is still talking to, I am hesitant to cut ties with her (not inviting her would definitely do that). She needs help, and i think that completely alienating her from the family (even if it was mostly her own choice) will have horrible consequences. I am also worried about my grandpa. There are no definitive signs, but we have speculated that she may be getting abusive towards him. I'm just not ready to cut them off entirely.

That being said, if she continues to make threats of violence, I will have no choice. I will absolutely not invite her if she EVER says anything like this again.

goingon10yrs

Wow.  I'd have a heart to heart with Grandma, explain the behavior isn't acceptable at a wedding (or any place for that matter), and ask if she can set it aside for a few days.  If not, she will be asked to leave.  I would hate to put the rehearsal dinner in harms way, but if your invited them both to that, then maybe they/you would see if there was going to be a bigger issue the next day?  Or at a bridal shower?  Maybe something they would both normally be invited to, to see if they/she can handle it?

Then again, maybe by the time invitations go out it will have all passed?  You can hope right?!

MNVegas

If I was your aunt I would be getting a restraining order against your grandma! 

Things could calm down before your wedding but in the event that it does not, you might opt to not invite crazy grandma or don't invite either parties so you don't look like you are playing favorites. 

Jen4948

MNVegas said:

If I was your aunt I would be getting a restraining order against your grandma! 

I was thinking this too-and if she does, you won't be able to invite them both because both won't be able to attend your wedding.

theartistformerlyknownas

ashley8918 said:

lolo883 said:

<snip>

ETA - OH! I totally forgot about the insane thing that she posted on Facebook. One my grandma's nieces posted one of those cutesy pictures on mothers day with some quote about how great moms are, and how they will do anything for you, etc. My grandma commented on it with "or she will kill you if you keep fucking with her". That was obviously directed at my aunt. I suggested that my aunt call the police at that point, but she is still hesitant to do that to her mother. I would have done it in a second. Sorry mom!

Um, if she is making death threats against your aunt (and presumably any of her other children) I would NOT be inviting her. Sounds like it's only a matter of time before you're on her bad side anyway.

If you're still not comfortable with that, I would definitely follow PPs advice about a sit-down to warn her beforehand that if you have reason to suspect she won't behave, you will be forced to not invite her. And hire security/warn the DOC that you may have problems with her so they can remove her as discretely as possible.

I totally get where you're coming from, and I am really struggling with this. As the only family member she is still talking to, I am hesitant to cut ties with her (not inviting her would definitely do that). She needs help, and i think that completely alienating her from the family (even if it was mostly her own choice) will have horrible consequences. I am also worried about my grandpa. There are no definitive signs, but we have speculated that she may be getting abusive towards him. I'm just not ready to cut them off entirely.

That being said, if she continues to make threats of violence, I will have no choice. I will absolutely not invite her if she EVER says anything like this again.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this (realized I forgot to say that before). If she does cause a scene, I imagine getting kicked out of the wedding would end that relationship too. Maybe since she won't get along with anyone else there, she'll just decline the invitation.

WildMagelet

With the new information I would not send grandma an invitation.  I wouldn't feel comfortable asking any of my family to be in the same room with them after the behavior she's displayed.  The FB comment was just the icing on the cake.

ashley8918

kmmssg said:

ashley8918 said:

tammym1001 said:

Am I the only one who wants to be nosy and know what's going on?

Haha, ask and you shall receive. I'll try to give the reader's digest version.

For the past few years, my grandma has been getting increasingly more crazy. We are all concerned that something is ACTUALLY wrong, but she wont hear it, so there isn't much to be done. About 3 years ago, she picked fights with all 3 of her children and stopped talking to them (permanently? who knows at this point?). She then proceeded to find reason to dislike and not speak to all of her grandchildren... except me for some unknown reason. 

Anyway, about a year or so ago she sent a really nasty letter to my aunt (the aunt in question) stating that she would be taking them to court for the money that she owes them (my grandparents) from TEN YEARS AGO. And then a bunch of other nasty things (i.e. "you are a fat, lazy, pathetic, ungrateful excuse for a child"... yes. She said that, among other things). Basically, my grandparents put a substantial amount of money into bailing them out of a bad situation ten years prior. In those 10 years, their financial situation continued to decline and they discussed the fact that they simply did not have the means to pay her back (totally not their fault, there we lay offs and major medical situations with their kids that could not have been foreseen). Additionally, they never asked my grandparents to help them, they chose to do it because "that's what family does".

In the year since then, nothing has really happened; however, my aunt an uncle recently had to file bankruptcy. In discussion with their bankruptcy lawyer, he strongly recommended that they include their debt to my grandparents in their bankruptcy. Normally in situations like this where it is a family matter, and no legal repayment agreement exists, it is left out of the bankruptcy. However, because of her letter indicating her desire to sue them for "everything they've got", and my grandparents continued harassment of them (phone calls, flyers distributed in my aunts community airing their dirty laundry, etc) he convinced them that they really should include it.

When my grandma received notification of the bankruptcy, she totally flew off the handle. She has continued to harass and threaten my aunt and uncle with phone calls; letters to their neighbors, employers and friends; driving by their house all the time; cornering their kids (aunt and uncles kids) in public and spewing hateful bullshit about their parents.

My grandparents have no showed up to 2 bankruptcy hearings and berated my aunt an uncle, called them names, followed them out to the their car, etc. The most recent incident was at a hearing today, when my grandma hurled obscenities at my aunt, threatened to call her employer and get her fired, etc.

There is wayyyyyyy more, but this is just the gist of it.

ETA - OH! I totally forgot about the insane thing that she posted on Facebook. One my grandma's nieces posted one of those cutesy pictures on mothers day with some quote about how great moms are, and how they will do anything for you, etc. My grandma commented on it with "or she will kill you if you keep fucking with her". That was obviously directed at my aunt. I suggested that my aunt call the police at that point, but she is still hesitant to do that to her mother. I would have done it in a second. Sorry mom!

Whoa - ok, we have gone from a a dysfunctional family spat to a bat shit crazy grandmother.  In my eyes that is a threat and if it were my wedding, that would be one big fat no go on the invitation list.  This is beyond a family spat - and I do have great concern for mental instability.  Unfortunately, it is hard to force someone to be examined against their wishes.

In all honesty, I would say nothing right now and see how this continues to play.  If this keeps going in a threatening direction, there is no way I would ask my aunt to be in the same room with her.  Yes, it is important to have family at your wedding, but they have to earn that a little by their actions.  She is a major legal problem/arrest waiting to happen.

I am so sorry.

1st bolded - Yeah... I probably should have conveyed that better in my first post. It definitely makes a difference.

2nd bolded - I think this is probably the best option for now. I will look into security options, and then just wait it out. Who knows how the situation will be in a few months?

PrettyGirlLost

flutterbride2b said:

With the new information I would not send grandma an invitation.  I wouldn't feel comfortable asking any of my family to be in the same room with them after the behavior she's displayed.  The FB comment was just the icing on the cake.

This sounds like a serious mental illnes rearing its head or perhaps an undiagnosed brain tumor.

I'm sorry that you and your family are having issues with Grandma, but considering her behavior, I would likely not invite her.

ETA: Wait I just reread your post- you say "grandparents" as in both your grandmother and grandfather are actively harassing your Aunt and her family?  WTF is your grandfather's problem?  Mental illness and brain tumors are not contagious. . . sounds like they are both just nasty assholes.  Don't invite either to your wedding, IMO.

ashley8918

MNVegas said:

If I was your aunt I would be getting a restraining order against your grandma! 

Things could calm down before your wedding but in the event that it does not, you might opt to not invite crazy grandma or don't invite either parties so you don't look like you are playing favorites. 

I really think that she should. I would have done it in a heartbeat.

ashley8918

lolo883 said:

ashley8918 said:

lolo883 said:

<snip>

ETA - OH! I totally forgot about the insane thing that she posted on Facebook. One my grandma's nieces posted one of those cutesy pictures on mothers day with some quote about how great moms are, and how they will do anything for you, etc. My grandma commented on it with "or she will kill you if you keep fucking with her". That was obviously directed at my aunt. I suggested that my aunt call the police at that point, but she is still hesitant to do that to her mother. I would have done it in a second. Sorry mom!

Um, if she is making death threats against your aunt (and presumably any of her other children) I would NOT be inviting her. Sounds like it's only a matter of time before you're on her bad side anyway.

If you're still not comfortable with that, I would definitely follow PPs advice about a sit-down to warn her beforehand that if you have reason to suspect she won't behave, you will be forced to not invite her. And hire security/warn the DOC that you may have problems with her so they can remove her as discretely as possible.

I totally get where you're coming from, and I am really struggling with this. As the only family member she is still talking to, I am hesitant to cut ties with her (not inviting her would definitely do that). She needs help, and i think that completely alienating her from the family (even if it was mostly her own choice) will have horrible consequences. I am also worried about my grandpa. There are no definitive signs, but we have speculated that she may be getting abusive towards him. I'm just not ready to cut them off entirely.

That being said, if she continues to make threats of violence, I will have no choice. I will absolutely not invite her if she EVER says anything like this again.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this (realized I forgot to say that before). If she does cause a scene, I imagine getting kicked out of the wedding would end that relationship too. Maybe since she won't get along with anyone else there, she'll just decline the invitation.

Yes, It probably would, but at least then it was her choice to end the relationship, not mine.

There is definitely a good chance she will decline (one can hope). She has already preemptively declined the shower and the RD.

ashley8918

Jen4948 said:

MNVegas said:

If I was your aunt I would be getting a restraining order against your grandma! 

I was thinking this too-and if she does, you won't be able to invite them both because both won't be able to attend your wedding.

Yes, I had thought of this also. I don't think I would invite my grandparents if this does happen, as my grandma would be the defendant in this case. It may seem silly, but I would feel more comfortable not inviting her if this was the case.