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Wedding 911

I don't really have anyone to be bridesmaids... :'(

Good news: we've set our date, it's in September 2015! Bad news: I don't really have anyone to be my bridesmaid/s and I want to have at least one but I wish I could have at least 2! I've always imagined my wedding with bridesmaids. FI's at least got his brother to be his best man. I have no sisters, my cousins all live far away in another state and they are too busy with their own lives to even respond to my emails. (rolling my eyes) One of my cousins is getting married 3 weeks after my wedding so I can't ask her. I don't have any girlfriends. FI has no sisters and only one female cousin-in-law. My brother recently got married but his wife is much much older than me and I don't feel close to her. Not to be rude, but I don't really want her as an option. I've been thinking for months now about asking FI's cousin-in-law (who also lives out of state but expressed that she will come to our wedding) She and I have been emailing back and fourth but we don't know each other too well. We attended her wedding 3 years ago and she does show interest in our wedding. I just don't know if it would be weird to ask her? Part of me feels like it would be weird because we just started talking about 6 months ago via email. My other idea was asking another cousin of mine who lives out of state (one of them that never responds to me) but I worry about drama with her because a few years back ago she asked me to be a BM in her wedding and I said yes. I had to back out due to a work situation at the time. I felt horrible about it and there could be some resentment there. Who knows, I might just have to ask my brother to be my bridesman? That's not the same though. I don't know what to do!!!! I don't even know if it's too early to ask? FI intends on asking his brother and he will probably do that sooner rather than later because he lives out of state as well. Any advice?
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Re: I don't really have anyone to be bridesmaids... :'(

  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You have time. Your wedding is not for 15 months. You don't need to ask anyone right now. If I were you, I'd wait it out. 

    You absolutely can ask your brother. A girl I went to HS with just had her brother as her man of honor. It was really sweet. 
    Don't ask someone just to ask them. You don't need to have a bridal party to get married. 

    weddingcactus
  • If it makes you feel any better, I am in the same boat. My family being in the miliatary and moving around all my life, it was hard to make friends and keep in touch, and now that I am out and about on my own, a lot of the friends I did have in the area, moved away to pursue their lives.

    As a result, we are either thinking about not having anyone stand up with us, or having our parents stand up with us, or even asking a close friend and his gf who we know stand up with us but its a year away so we haven't decided yet.

    Do what you feel is right =)

  • theycallmelinztheycallmelinz Georgia member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Agree with PP's. I had the opposite problem. I got super excited and jumped the gun asking 8 girls to be BMs because my FI had 8 GMs and we just HAD to have even sides. Now FI is saying he wished he hadn't asked so many, and I definitely wish I hadn't asked so many because 2-3 of these people I asked "because we HAVE to have even sides!!" Annnd now I have a huge wedding party when I really wish it was just me and my guy getting married, standing there just the two of us. 

    That being said, you have PLENTY of time to decide on a wedding party. In the end, do what makes you happy!
    Anniversary



  • I guess I figure since anyone I'd probably ask all live out of state, it would be better to ask sooner rather than later to make sure they will be able to stand by my side. Plus I worry they will turn me down. I think I'll keep asking my brother as a last option. It's so hard!
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  • melbensomelbenso Hoth, apparently member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    My brother is going to be my Man of Honor.  If you want your brother to stand with you, ask him.  Some traditions are made to be broken.
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    danithomas90
  • What do you all think about asking my fiance's cousin-in-law? Does that seem weird at all or normal to ask someone like that?
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  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    If you don't know each other super well and aren't REALLY good friends, I wouldn't bother. Especially just for the reason of having a bridesmaid.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

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    jules3964Blue_Bird
  • I'm having a similar issue. FI jumped the gun and asked three guys right off the bat. Like the same day we got engaged! Then he asked 2 more. He wants even sides (eye roll). I've asked 4. 1 of which will be my new SIL, and one that is a close family member (my sister's husbands sister). I would have had 2 if I had it my way. Now I'm stuck trying to find a 5th person. Yuck!
  • I thought I had my wedding party selected (I have NOT asked any of them yet, thank GOD) and it turns out those whom I thought I had been getting along great with are really not interested in making friends. It's one of those things where it benefits everyone to know each other right now because we're all in nursing school, but it's becoming clear that I was the only one who thought the "friendships" were going to be friendships. I am not close to anyone in my family, and have just my FI's sister who will be my little lone bridesmaid for the time being... our wedding isn't til May 2016, so I have time to reconsider all my options, but I understand the frustration and desperation. It'll all work out, and I've come to terms with "who cares if it's even" as long as I have someone I can trust who loves us to stand with me, it's all good :)
  • MegEn1MegEn1 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    Woo! I thought I was the only one with this problem!

    I have a very compartmentalized life - lived in one place for youth, another place for teen years, another place for college, now where I've settled with my FI. So I don't have good girlfriends that I've known for years, etc. etc. So I'm asking my closest friend from each 'chapter' in my life. Strangers? Who cares! It'll be a good portrait of the people who have helped me through different points in my life. Just because we aren't best friends now doesn't mean I don't appreciate what they've done for me over the years.

    Or this is a terrible idea. Not sure yet, but maybe this idea might work for you? Best of luck!

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • MegEn1 said:
    Woo! I thought I was the only one with this problem!

    I have a very compartmentalized life - lived in one place for youth, another place for teen years, another place for college, now where I've settled with my FI. So I don't have good girlfriends that I've known for years, etc. etc. So I'm asking my closest friend from each 'chapter' in my life. Strangers? Who cares! It'll be a good portrait of the people who have helped me through different points in my life. Just because we aren't best friends now doesn't mean I don't appreciate what they've done for me over the years.

    Or this is a terrible idea. Not sure yet, but maybe this idea might work for you? Best of luck!
    I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one too! I've thought about asking girls like you mentioned. However, we don't keep in touch at all. It's been years. I wonder if that would be weird to call them up and be like "hey, I haven't talked to you in 10 years, be my MOH?" lol 
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  • Have you ever considered having your brother stand in as man-of-honor?

    Who says it has to be a woman?
  • I would be in the same boat if I were having a traditional wedding. However, after all of the stress in trying to plan a traditional wedding we decided to just have a destination wedding. So much easier, just the two of us at an all inclusive resort.
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  • I know the feeling!  You do have 15 months, so I think that you have some time.  But, from what you described, it sounds to me like you have two good options - your brother as Man of Honor and your sister in law.  Yes she is older, and you don't know her as well, but it sounds like she is interested, that there is potential for you two to get along quite well, and that she is willing to help.  You could start to form a closer relationship with her using the wedding as a "jumping off" point - and see how that goes.  Perhaps in a few months, you'll feel more comfortable asking her.  If nothing else, you've started to form a good relationship with a family member.  
  • 1)  I agree with everyone else about having MORE than enough time.  In fact most of the advice here is to wait until somewhat closer to the wedding because so much can change - relationships change, financial situations can change, etc.  Look at these boards and you will see countless threads of people wanting to "fire" their MOH or bridesmaid and regret that they asked them so far in advance.  Who knows, maybe you'll find a hobby you enjoy and meet a new friend while pursuing it or strike up a conversation with someone at work and become friends in the next year and you'll want that person up there with you.  Some of my closest friends now are people who even two or three years ago I barely said hello to until we were thrown together by circumstance over one thing or another and discovered things we had in common.  We took it from there and our friendship grew.

    2) I know you "imagined" having a bridesmaid (or MOH), but let's visit what that actually means.  This is a person, usually cherished in your life, that you are putting in a place of honor (heck, honor is baked right into the title) to stand beside you when you commit your life to another person (and that is their only responsibility).  The way you are talking about all of your prospects (cousins-in-law you barely know, people who you barely communicate with?), are you picking them because you cherish them and want them in that place of honor or are you picking them because it's more important to you to have a prop to complete your vision?  The fact that you're not in close enough contact with these people on a regular basis to know how they would even respond or if there is possible resentment from the past tells me you shouldn't be asking them.  Ask yourself what is more important - honoring a cherished loved one with this role or a having a prop?  If it's the latter, then go ahead and ask any of the cousins.  Six of one, half dozen of the other.  Doesn't much matter - it's a warm body in a dress for your photos.  Otherwise, think about who you really cherish in your life and want by your side and ask that person, regardless of their gender.

    (Or, you can wait it out, see how your relationships progress to see if you get any more clarity on the subject, and then proceed with either prop or cherished loved one.)
    Blue_Bird
  • Princess Kate only had one - her sister - plus two children.
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    jwalters516
  • princessleia22princessleia22 Oceanfront Property in Arizona member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer

    What about your mother or FMIL?  I don't have any really close girlfriends either. I actually thought about having my mom as MOH, because she probably is my best friend, beside my husband.  But, I knew it was important to my sister, which I'm fine with and also close with.  So, I asked my sister & SIL (who is also my high school friend) to both be MOH.  My brother had my dad as best man at his wedding.  So, I don't think there is anything wrong with having parents in your wedding party, if you are at all close to them. And it would likely mean a lot to them to be more involved (assuming they approve of the marriage). Since I didn't have mom in my bridal party, we had both our moms sign our license as witnesses, so they still got to be involved.

    Otherwise, having brother as bridesman is perfectly fine too.

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  • bekt14bekt14 member
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2014
    I had the same problem. I moved around a lot growing up, and so I don't have many close friends. Plus, all my friends live across the world, so that wouldn't be very convenient. 
     
    Honestly, I hate being a bridesmaid myself and there is ALWAYS drama. Plus, I really don't understand the concept. The people sitting in the pews are being just as supportive as the people standing next to you...and they aren't going to pass out or get mad about their dress. So, I think the bridesmaid/groomsmen tradition is really overrated. I say, lets get rid of it!
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  • edited August 2014
    I also don't have any BM. My friends are guys. I have a sister and FI has 2 daughters, none of whom I need or honestly want standing next to me. FI doesn't have a lot of best friends that I think he would make groomsmen. It does make me sad when I think about how friend-less I am. I've changed schools and colleges, I'm fairly introverted, and never click with girls. I'm one of the guys. So it can get depressing sometimes...I totally get that. We feel like we're supposed to have BMs, a group of super-close girlfriends, but not everyone is like that. I've accepted the fact that I won't have bridesmaids. Actually, I prefer it. BM's cost money and can cause drama. (We will be spending money on my sister and his daughters for beauty and clothing though just so they look good at the wedding). The girls in my life aren't close to me to be BMs, so it'd just be awkward if they were. I think ceremonies are more intimate when there isn't a wedding party. We're having a small wedding as well.
    primafaba15
  •  So it can get depressing sometimes...I totally get that. We feel like we're supposed to have BMs, a group of super-close girlfriends, but not everyone is like that. 
    I don't have great advice, but -- yes, this. I had the same problem -- I did come up with some maids, but we were able to include fewer friends than we wanted in our party because our academic dept in college was mostly guys...so we both hung out with the same group of guys...so all my/our close friends are guys.  We were looking at having 10 groomsmen and 2 bridesmaids, or else a bridal party that was almost entirely male. So we trimmed. It kind of sucked to feel like I had missed out on something, that experience of having the super close girlfriends that you giggle with and get ready with and all of that jazz, like you're 'supposed' to have. But in the end, I feel like it's going to work out okay. 

    Do you have any close guyfriends you could ask? I bet they'd be honored. 

    Also, I second waiting, if not a super long time, at least a little while. When I got engaged 6 months ago, I was seriously considering asking a friend of mine to stand up -- we had been good friends for 2 years and would constantly talk about everything. In the past 6 months -- just 6 months--, I gradually came to the realization that despite sharing everything with each other, this was actually a pretty toxic friendship with a person who ran me down every chance she could. We haven't spoken in a month, I probably won't even invite her to our wedding, and I'm so so  glad I didn't ask her to be a BM right away. 
  • amelishaamelisha Canadian Texas member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Everyone's already given great advice, but I wanted to reiterate that you can always just not have any. My fiance and I are both from small families (he has one sister, I'm an only) and we both have tight groups of close friends from whom we didn't want to pick. He's got 3 guys he's very close to, I have 4 girlfriends whom I consider my "best friends" (and then there's his sister, whom I get along with well and would have wanted to include) and then it just starts getting kinda out of hand at that point, especially for our small wedding. 

    So we're asking his sister to be the witness but skipping the bridal party, and that way no one feels hurt and no one has to scramble. I sat around for a while but couldn't come up with who I'd most want as my MOH, and he did the same for his BM, so we figured it made just as much sense not to do it.

    If you're asking people just for the sake of having a bridal party and not because you really want them specifically to be part of your wedding, it's probably a sign that you should consider skipping it all together.

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    [Deleted User]esstee33
  • MegEn1 said:
    Woo! I thought I was the only one with this problem!

    I have a very compartmentalized life - lived in one place for youth, another place for teen years, another place for college, now where I've settled with my FI. So I don't have good girlfriends that I've known for years, etc. etc. So I'm asking my closest friend from each 'chapter' in my life. Strangers? Who cares! It'll be a good portrait of the people who have helped me through different points in my life. Just because we aren't best friends now doesn't mean I don't appreciate what they've done for me over the years.

    Or this is a terrible idea. Not sure yet, but maybe this idea might work for you? Best of luck!
    I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one too! I've thought about asking girls like you mentioned. However, we don't keep in touch at all. It's been years. I wonder if that would be weird to call them up and be like "hey, I haven't talked to you in 10 years, be my MOH?" lol 
    Maybe it is weird, but I'm doing it. My plan was to write to each of them and say "Listen, when I was X years old and you and I were best friends, that friendhsip really helped me get through tough times, grow as a person, made me who I am today, etc. So I'd like you to stand up with me because of the huge influence you had in my life."

    To off-set any weirdness, I'm trying to find ways to make it as cheap as possible - letting them pick their own dresses with as few restrictions as possible, paying to get their hair done, etc.

    Achievement Unlocked: Survived Your Wedding! 
  • I'm having a similar issue. FI jumped the gun and asked three guys right off the bat. Like the same day we got engaged! Then he asked 2 more. He wants even sides (eye roll). I've asked 4. 1 of which will be my new SIL, and one that is a close family member (my sister's husbands sister). I would have had 2 if I had it my way. Now I'm stuck trying to find a 5th person. Yuck!
    Originally I didn't want a wedding party- but my Fi has two brothers who it's a tradition that they stand at eachother's weddings. So I had my two best friends. Then he said 'but I have my three best friends too!' Ugh. Well his family wanted it even- so I relented- but I'm glad I did. My two cousins (who I'm very close with) and my oldest friend (known her since first grade) were all delighted to be asked and were really teary eyed pleased. Worked out, magically. 


    As to the OP- wait on it a bit and see if you really think of someone who you want to be with you for the special moment. 
  • We are not having a bridal party because we've both drifted apart from old friends and our family members are scattered around the country. My main goal has been to make things as simple as possible so that everyone we love can just show up at the wedding, stress-free, without additional financial burdens (like dress-shopping or tux-renting), witness us exchange our vows, and enjoy the party.
  • I don't know if anyone has replied with this but I know a former coworker of mine that chose her mom to be her MOH! And I was my moms MOH too. Also your brother can be on your side. My friend's fiancé had his sister as his "best man". I had a hard time deciding which people to ask, because I lost my best friend that I always thought would be by my side, but she chose I path I wanted to be no part of. All of my bridal party is from out of town and just because you don't talk everyday doesn't mean that you don't have a meaningful connection. Your cousins may still be an option but I would call them rather than email. Dont let numbers fool you. Even if you are choosing just 1 or 2 that just makes your wedding style intimate and romantic and soooo much cheaper...
  • Why is "what you imagined" trumping your reality? Ask the people or person if there's only one, who are important to you. If no one really makes that list, don't have anyone. My fiance and I are "going it alone," and I think it'll be much easier that way.
  • Ask only people you are close to. I guess I am slightly troubled by the notion of someone who has no female friends they are close with (related to them or not). 
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  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Ask only people you are close to. I guess I am slightly troubled by the notion of someone who has no female friends they are close with (related to them or not). 
    Eh. I have very few female friends. I don't deliberately try not to have them; my interests have just lead me to make more male friends than female. I pledged a sorority in college and made a lot of female friends that way, but we've all moved all over the place or just otherwise grown apart. 
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  • esstee33 said:
    Ask only people you are close to. I guess I am slightly troubled by the notion of someone who has no female friends they are close with (related to them or not). 
    Eh. I have very few female friends. I don't deliberately try not to have them; my interests have just lead me to make more male friends than female. I pledged a sorority in college and made a lot of female friends that way, but we've all moved all over the place or just otherwise grown apart. 
    Guy friends are great, and a bride can definitely have bridesmen, or something like that. It's perfectly reasonable to have more guy friends than girl friends. 

    Regardless of having guy friends, it's just been my experience that there's a difference between having only a handful of close female friends and having no female friends and not being able to get along with other women. Again, just in my experience, when a guy friend has dated a girl who has no female friends and can't get along with other women at all, she is trouble. There is a girl like this in my friend group actually. She basically only hangs out with men unless it is a big group setting and the few occasions I've hung out with her one on one she has spent the whole time trying to find a guy to scam on (even though she has a boyfriend). She basically is boy crazy even though she is in her late 20's. 
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  • esstee33esstee33 Pittsburgh member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    esstee33 said:
    Ask only people you are close to. I guess I am slightly troubled by the notion of someone who has no female friends they are close with (related to them or not). 
    Eh. I have very few female friends. I don't deliberately try not to have them; my interests have just lead me to make more male friends than female. I pledged a sorority in college and made a lot of female friends that way, but we've all moved all over the place or just otherwise grown apart. 
    Guy friends are great, and a bride can definitely have bridesmen, or something like that. It's perfectly reasonable to have more guy friends than girl friends. 

    Regardless of having guy friends, it's just been my experience that there's a difference between having only a handful of close female friends and having no female friends and not being able to get along with other women. Again, just in my experience, when a guy friend has dated a girl who has no female friends and can't get along with other women at all, she is trouble. There is a girl like this in my friend group actually. She basically only hangs out with men unless it is a big group setting and the few occasions I've hung out with her one on one she has spent the whole time trying to find a guy to scam on (even though she has a boyfriend). She basically is boy crazy even though she is in her late 20's. 
    Oh, I agree there's a difference between just having more friends who are guys and being one of those "I can't get along with other women" types. I'm just failing to see where anyone in this thread said anything like that, or why you made that jump. It's not relevant at all. 
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    edenisle
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