Fmil drama

Knottie13986838

At a loss with how to proceed. My fmil is a very strong personality it's hard nothing I seem to do is right.

We ask for a list of who they would want to invite and she tells us if we invite anyone on her husbands side of the family she will not go to the wedding and she will think less fi and never forgive him. After much deliberation we agree to give her what she wants (all though I think it is wrong) but there is always something new she wants to complain about.

Now she wants and thinks she has the right to choose the wedding colors, flowers, ceremony, ect. My fi says to ignore it but it's hard every time she hears any plans for the wedding she turns up her nose and says wat we should be doing. When she asked about flowers and I told her my moms suggestion she flat out said ur mom already did a wedding with your brother this my turn.

I don't want to make anyone upset but I can't appease every whim she has in fear she will have a tantrum and not go to the wedding.

Her newest issue is she wants my fi's sisters In my bridal party when it was explained that I already have my bridesmaids she stated how it was wrong of me not to have them in it they belong in it and that I should call them and tell them they won't be in my wedding party ( personally I think if I call and said in case you are wondering you are not a bridesmaid is rude I'm sure they know they would have been asked if they are a bridesmaid and are not assuming) .

Ah why can't she just be happy for us instead of always telling me what I chose is wrong. Too much. Too many people. Wrong color. At a loss.

Jen4948

Just stop talking about your wedding with your FMIL.  No matter what she is not going to be happy for you.  The only way you can make it "your" wedding as opposed to "hers" is to just not share with her anything she doesn't absolutely have to know.  If she asks questions, just tell her, "We're working things out" and if she gets pushy, change the subject.

When it comes to your FI's sisters, they can stand on his side if you don't want them on yours (and if he wants them), or they can be readers or ushers.

manateehugger

Well, who is paying? That counts for a lot. If she's contributing, she does get some say. I'm going to assume she's not paying for the whole shebang.

Stop talking to her about anything wedding. If there's anything wedding-related you need from her - addresses for example - your FI needs to be the one to talk to her. You avoid her and wedding talk at all costs.

If she makes a flower or color suggestion, you say, "I think we were going with hydrangeas instead of roses, but thanks for the suggestion. The weather is supposed to be so nice this weekend, do you and FFIL have any plans?" Deflect and change the topic the best you can.

If she brings up the sisters, suggest that they stand on your FI's side. Yes, I agree, the call is rude. Ignore her.

zitiqueen

Knottie13986838 said:

At a loss with how to proceed. My fmil is a very strong personality it's hard nothing I seem to do is right. We ask for a list of who they would want to invite and she tells us if we invite anyone on her husbands side of the family she will not go to the wedding and she will think less fi and never forgive him. After much deliberation we agree to give her what she wants (all though I think it is wrong) but there is always something new she wants to complain about. Now she wants and thinks she has the right to choose the wedding colors, flowers, ceremony, ect. My fi says to ignore it but it's hard every time she hears any plans for the wedding she turns up her nose and says wat we should be doing. When she asked about flowers and I told her my moms suggestion she flat out said ur mom already did a wedding with your brother this my turn. I don't want to make anyone upset but I can't appease every whim she has in fear she will have a tantrum and not go to the wedding. Her newest issue is she wants my fi's sisters In my bridal party when it was explained that I already have my bridesmaids she stated how it was wrong of me not to have them in it they belong in it and that I should call them and tell them they won't be in my wedding party ( personally I think if I call and said in case you are wondering you are not a bridesmaid is rude I'm sure they know they would have been asked if they are a bridesmaid and are not assuming) . Ah why can't she just be happy for us instead of always telling me what I chose is wrong. Too much. Too many people. Wrong color. At a loss.

Stop discussing your wedding with her, and for the love of God, why isn't your FI telling her to back off? When she threatens to not come to the wedding, your FI needs to tell her she'll be missed but your minds are made up about whatever is causing the tantrum. Call her bluff. She won't miss her son's wedding. Honestly, you are giving this woman way too much power in your lives.

Lauderdale Pink

Lots of issues in this one!  Unfortunately, this woman sounds like the type that if you cave in to her demands now, you will spend your life caving.  FI has probably learned the art of ignoring her and has gotten by with that skill.  Don't expect him to change, he knows how the survival mode works.  You really will have to avoid wedding talk with her at all.  And why, for heaven's sake, would you ever call somebody and say "you are not in my wedding party"?  Finally, NO MATTER WHAT, do not take any wedding money from this woman.  It won't end well.

Knottie13986838

Thanks for all of the great advice. To answer a few of your questions. In regards to my fi sisters I did offer him that option he was not interested and told me it's not a big deal if they are not I the wedding party he said to ignore any comments from his mom about that so I am just going to follow his lead there.

I also have been trying to talk to fmil as little as possible and they live in another state which makes that a little easier but when she does have an opinion it gets heard she will tell everyone in the family.

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

That's the thing about opinions, they can just bounce off you because they hold no power, especially from people with no financial stake.  Also agree with Lauderdale, do NOT take any money from her or she will really dig in her claws.