Argument with my bridesmaid: who gets to decide hairstyle?

Knottie1445136220

I would like all my bridesmaids hair to be in an up-do (nothing UGLY-- just different than me as I'm wearing mine down) but one of my bridesmaids (my sister) that I told this to said I was bring bridezilla and 'not caring' about her bridesmaids' comfort.  My other bridesmaids are my best friends and would smear mud on their faces if I asked them to. 

I was just wondering if anyone knew the actual ETIQUETTE on this topic?  Is it UNCOMMON for the bride to choose a hairstyle for their bridesmaids?

ScoutF

I say let them choose their own hairstyle. Just tell them they can do whatever they want as long as it's up. None of your guests will care what their hair looks like.

theartistformerlyknownas

NikkiRose710 said:

I would like all my bridesmaids hair to be in an up-do (nothing UGLY-- just different than me as I'm wearing mine down) but one of my bridesmaids (my sister) that I told this to said I was bring bridezilla and 'not caring' about her bridesmaids' comfort.  My other bridesmaids are my best friends and would smear mud on their faces if I asked them to. 

I was just wondering if anyone knew the actual ETIQUETTE on this topic?  Is it UNCOMMON for the bride to choose a hairstyle for their bridesmaids?

Etiquette states that aside from the dress, if there is any specific detail of your bridesmaid's appearance that you want to dictate, you have to pay for it. This goes for jewelry, shoes, makeup and hair. So yes you can require an up-do, if you pick up the tab for the stylist.

I also vote for letting your bridesmaids choose their own hairstyle. You shouldn't worry about their hair looking like yours - you'll be the one in the wedding dress, you'll stand out enough. These girls know their own hair, their own abilities in styling it (if they're doing it themselves), and their own budgets if they're paying to have it done. They'll be most beautiful in what they're comfortable in.

AddieCake

I think it's silly for brides to choose hairstyles for their bridesmaids. What difference does it make what style their hair is in? 

Maggie0829

You should let them choose their own hairstyles.  Your BM is right.  If she is not comfortable having her hair up then she should be allowed to wear it down.  Just because you both may have similar hairstyles does not mean that yours will be overshadowed by your BMs.

And honestly, even if you pick up the tab for their hair, I would still find it very controlling to dictate their hair styles.  These are your very good friends, don't you want them to feel comfortable and pretty on your wedding day?

I think wanting and trying to make your BMs have up-dos just because you are wearing your hair down is definitely a bridezilla move.

manateehugger

NikkiRose710 said:

I would like all my bridesmaids hair to be in an up-do (nothing UGLY-- just different than me as I'm wearing mine down) but one of my bridesmaids (my sister) that I told this to said I was bring bridezilla and 'not caring' about her bridesmaids' comfort.  My other bridesmaids are my best friends and would smear mud on their faces if I asked them to. 

I was just wondering if anyone knew the actual ETIQUETTE on this topic?  Is it UNCOMMON for the bride to choose a hairstyle for their bridesmaids?

I HATE when a bride tells me how to do my hair for a few reasons.

1. Whatever style you pick is your style, not mine, but it's something attached to me. I look terrible with my hair pulled all the way back from my face, for example, and was told once I had to do it for a wedding. So congrats to the bride, because her maids looked worse, not better, since she ignored our personal looks. 

2. I cannot do a nice updo on my own, meaning I will go have to pay someone to do it. If you're demanding an updo, I think you should offer to pay for it.

3. Who cares about bridesmaid hair?! If the bridesmaids all have their hair washed and it looks like they did something with it (even curled and pinned up on one side), no one will care at all. No one. People look at your hair because you are the bride. They do not care about your bridesmaid's hair. Honestly, when I see all very similar hairstyles on bridesmaids at a wedding, I'm quietly thinking bridezilla to myself. 

This is not something to start a war over. Let her wear her hair how she wants. 

VulgarGirl

No one has ever looked at a bridesmaid hair and gone "Wait...is she the bride? I'm confused", you're the bride you'll stand out because you're the fucking bride.

Listen to what you're sister is telling you. She's not comfortable with an up-do. She's not trying to outshine you, or look prettier, or be fancier, or anything like that. She just doesn't feel comfortable with an up-do. Maybe she doesn't like the way it looks on her. Maybe all the pins it takes to keep your hair up make her head her. Maybe the last time she had an up-do a bird tried to build a nest in her hair and now she's terrified of birds and up-dos. 

If you decide you must dictate what their hair looks like then yes, you must pick up the tab for having it done. But I'd just skip worrying about this and let them do their own hair.

Maggie0829

MagicInk said:

No one has ever looked at a bridesmaid hair and gone "Wait...is she the bride? I'm confused", you're the bride you'll stand out because you're the fucking bride.

Listen to what you're sister is telling you. She's not comfortable with an up-do. She's not trying to outshine you, or look prettier, or be fancier, or anything like that. She just doesn't feel comfortable with an up-do. Maybe she doesn't like the way it looks on her. Maybe all the pins it takes to keep your hair up make her head her. Maybe the last time she had an up-do a bird tried to build a nest in her hair and now she's terrified of birds and up-dos. 

If you decide you must dictate what their hair looks like then yes, you must pick up the tab for having it done. But I'd just skip worrying about this and let them do their own hair.

*giggle* *snicker* *snort*

tammym1001

I paid for my BM's hair to be done and I still told them to pick whatever style they wanted. Everyone's hair looked different and it was very cute. None of them knew how I was wearing my hair and it wasn't a big deal. It made my life a lot easier the day of to not have to worry about what they were doing with their hair or if it was "right".

Angusaur

OP, you are being rude and inconsiderate. If you are paying you technically have the say, but it's not very nice. Just let your girls pick whichever hairstyle they think will look best and make them feel the best. You would not like if someone dictated you to wear a hairstyle you didn't think was flattering to you, would you?

You are the bride. Nobody is going to confuse one of your BMs for the bride or even notice they have a similar hairstyle. Let it go.

climbingsingle

I'm with your sister. I think it's really silly and ridiculous to tell them how their hair needs to be done.

bmydesigner

When I go to a wedding, I don't remember the bridesmaids hair.

Fuck, I'm lucky if I remember their dresses.

Don't worry so much about this, no one will care.

lilacck28

Just want to say, OP, I think it's great that you came here and asked for etiquette advice before going through with your initial plans. As PP have said, either pay for the updos, or let them do whatever they want. 

doeydo

Maggie0829 said:

show previous quotes

MagicInk said:

No one has ever looked at a bridesmaid hair and gone "Wait...is she the bride? I'm confused", you're the bride you'll stand out because you're the fucking bride.

Listen to what you're sister is telling you. She's not comfortable with an up-do. She's not trying to outshine you, or look prettier, or be fancier, or anything like that. She just doesn't feel comfortable with an up-do. Maybe she doesn't like the way it looks on her. Maybe all the pins it takes to keep your hair up make her head her. Maybe the last time she had an up-do a bird tried to build a nest in her hair and now she's terrified of birds and up-dos. 

If you decide you must dictate what their hair looks like then yes, you must pick up the tab for having it done. But I'd just skip worrying about this and let them do their own hair.

*giggle* *snicker* *snort*

She better not watch The Birds, then.

MamaAlly89

Sorry, I think your sister is right on this one, you should let your bridesmaids choose how they want their hair. If you still insist on dictating how they wear it you should foot the bill.

doeydo

OP, here are some pictures so you can see what their different hairstyles might all look like together:

mysticl

NikkiRose710 said:

I would like all my bridesmaids hair to be in an up-do (nothing UGLY-- just different than me as I'm wearing mine down) but one of my bridesmaids (my sister) that I told this to said I was bring bridezilla and 'not caring' about her bridesmaids' comfort.  My other bridesmaids are my best friends and would smear mud on their faces if I asked them to. 

I was just wondering if anyone knew the actual ETIQUETTE on this topic?  Is it UNCOMMON for the bride to choose a hairstyle for their bridesmaids?

Which means they won't tell you the truth.  Whereas your sister is being honest with you.  I'm on her side in this.  

wandajune6

I would never dictate how my BMs should wear their hair.

southernbelle0915

doeydo said:

OP, here are some pictures so you can see what their different hairstyles might all look like together:

which one is the bride? I can't tell because some have similar hair!!!

All snark aside, OP, hair isn't something you get to dictate without bucking etiquette and coming off as a 'zilla. People will know you are the bride even if your BMs wear @NickiRose710 masks. You're going to look gorgeous, they're going to look gorgeous (if you let them do what they think looks good on them) and you'll be married. Let this go.

Dignity100

southernbelle0915 said:

show previous quotes

doeydo said:

OP, here are some pictures so you can see what their different hairstyles might all look like together:

which one is the bride? I can't tell because some have similar hair!!!

All snark aside, OP, hair isn't something you get to dictate without bucking etiquette and coming off as a 'zilla. People will know you are the bride even if your BMs wear @NickiRose710 masks. You're going to look gorgeous, they're going to look gorgeous (if you let them do what they think looks good on them) and you'll be married. Let this go.

Oh no, in that last pic, not only do some of them have similar hairstyles they're all in white-toned dresses, so confused as to who is getting married!!

If you want them to wear their hair a certain way, you should pay for it. 

For my wedding, I'm having a lady come out to do my hair/makeup, I've asked the ladies if they wanted their hair and makeup done as well (so the company knows how many people to send out) and if any of them ask to have it done, I'll probably just pick up their tab too - even though it would be on their request.  I am doing this because beyond a basic pony tail, I stink at styling my hair.

Knottie1445136220

Sorry if I wasn't clear-- I am definitely footing the bill for both hair and makeup

Knottie1445136220

Thanks everyone! I had NO idea   My sister has been extremely controlling throughout this entire experience from hair to decor to venue..... I am just at my wits end and I have only been engaged for 3 months!  I appreciate the time spent reponding and you have made me change my mind. Thanks, again.

monkeysip

Am I the only one weirded out by all the bridesmaids bowing their heads in that second picture?  It's like the BMs are praying while the bride is smiling at the camera...

@OP.... good choice!  Your BMs will be glad you're letting them choose their hair, and trust me they will all look great, and  you'll still stand out as the bride!

mysticl

NikkiRose710 said:

Thanks everyone! I had NO idea   My sister has been extremely controlling throughout this entire experience from hair to decor to venue..... I am just at my wits end and I have only been engaged for 3 months!  I appreciate the time spent reponding and you have made me change my mind. Thanks, again.

She gets a say in the first one but not the other two.  

YourDogDontKnowSit

NikkiRose710 said:

Thanks everyone! I had NO idea   My sister has been extremely controlling throughout this entire experience from hair to decor to venue..... I am just at my wits end and I have only been engaged for 3 months!  I appreciate the time spent reponding and you have made me change my mind. Thanks, again.

3 months in and you're worrying about bridesmaids' hair?? When is your wedding?

RebeccaFlower

NikkiRose710 said:

Thanks everyone! I had NO idea   My sister has been extremely controlling throughout this entire experience from hair to decor to venue..... I am just at my wits end and I have only been engaged for 3 months!  I appreciate the time spent reponding and you have made me change my mind. Thanks, again.

Good for your for not throwing a hissy fit for not hearing what you wanted. Stick around and you'll learn a lot. Plus, you need to disconnect your sister from your planning. She shouldn't have anything to say about anything non-BM related.

theartistformerlyknownas

Good call, OP. Agree to just stop letting your sis engage in conversation over things she doesn't get a say in (i.e. anything that isn't personally on her body or being asked of her to do). Just smile and say "I'll consider that" and change the subject.

beethery

NikkiRose710 said:

Thanks everyone! I had NO idea   My sister has been extremely controlling throughout this entire experience from hair to decor to venue..... I am just at my wits end and I have only been engaged for 3 months!  I appreciate the time spent reponding and you have made me change my mind. Thanks, again.

This is so good to read!

Alyssa18o6

I'm paying for my BMs hair, but i'm letting them pick how they'd want it styled. It's their hair not mine, so I could careless haha.

Majelin86

I was just in a bridal party and the bride told us to do what we want with our hair. There was a hairstylist coming to our hotel room to do our hair. We all (except for one bridesmaid) ended up with an up-do (I didn't specify to the hairstylist, I just told her to do what she thought would look good on me), and the bride didn't care that we all had an up-do. She still stood out plenty, and none of the hairstyles were exactly the same.

I say let your bridesmaids do whatever they want with their hair. Who cares if they end up with similar hair to you? You're still going to stand out no matter what.

Knottie1445136220

Thank you so much, all! I sincerely appreciate the perspective!