Not Engaged Yet

Help.

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Re: Help.

  • @BreMR‌ well congratulations on the FI :) I'm glad you two could make things work. It's really nice to see.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I know other posters have said it but I'm going to say it again. I think you just need to slow down. You are only 22, you don't need to put this pressure on your relationship by saying I'm having kids at 25 and must be married before that. That timeline might not be right for your relationship. I know you said you discussed when to have kids with him but if you didn't consider when you both would be ready to take steps in your relationship, reach goals you want to meet before having kids then it's basically just throwing out a number which is rather useless and more harmful than helpful.

    Also, a friend of mine was in a relationship that sounds very similar to this. He was still married and brought up marriage very quickly and she was about your age. She went really BSC, started trying to plan the wedding and was SURE they were going to get married (she made a crazy post on facebook asking people for money to plan the wedding). Now they aren't together anymore and she is extremely bitter toward him. I'm not telling you this to say oh it's not going to work out. But you are young and this is really still the honeymoon phase of the relationship, and him not signing the divorce papers without prompting from you and allowing them to just sit on his desk is a red flag you should be concerned about. Don't get so caught up in OMG I'm getting married!!!! that you miss red flags in your relationship because that's exactly what my friend did and it wasn't pretty in the end.


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  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2014
    If, during or after this talk, your bf implies or outright says that you are pushy/ crazy.... RUN.  You are neither, and that is an abuse called gaslighting. 

    And feeling internally concerned that you are one of those things for wanting to understand where both parties in a relationship stand is based on bs gender stereotypes. GRR. 
  • @bethsmiles‌ I do need to just relax, absolutely, and the talk about ages is definitely something that's starting to seem like it wasn't the best idea or way to go about things.

    That's what I'm realizing - this is a red flag. I've kept in mind that talking about marriage does not equal engaged and does not equal marriage and that nothing is a guarantee that things will go according to plan/hopes/whatever.

    @lilacck28‌ oh, I could rant about gaslighting for days. I had an ex that was absolutely superb at it, it's taken a long time and still is taking time for me to remember that he was wrong in just saying I was crazy and whatnot and try to be healthy in voicing my concerns.
  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    @megso16 - I'm glad that you're concerned about it and not just "oh well, he'll get to it." It shows that you're looking out for you which is important. I hope it goes well tonight and I hope you come back and update us tomorrow!



    lilacck28
  • Dignity100Dignity100 Northeastern Ohio member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I'm going to bring up the divorce thing again.  I know you said that you feel it's a 'laziness' issue, and I totally get that, I put appointments for silly stuff like 'sign up for X' or 'Don't forget to mail out bills' on FI's calendar ALL the time.  I think there might be something more going on with this one.  I know I would want a "completely closed chapter" before moving on with my life if it was on the table (meaning that his ex isn't trying for a long drawn out divorce, he has the papers he just needs to sign).  My first instinct is to say that he doesn't want to sign these papers because that is admitting failure.  Another instinct of mine says he's not signing because he still has feelings for her and by signing the papers it just makes it more 'real'.  I really think that there is something much deeper going on here.


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  • @Swazzle‌ at the beginning of our relationship, I was, mostly because it was a very new relationship and it wasn't impacting our relationship. But, like you said, I need to look out for me. Thank you! I'll update everyone tomorrow :)
  • I would be concerned about his thought processes if he had been talking about marriage, rings, even asking for pictures of rings!?! with you and then the one time you bring it up jokingly he makes you feel like you're the one jumping the gun.  Um, hello, maybe he needs to realize what he's doing to you by bringing this wedding/engagement talk up. 
  • @Dignity100‌ as do I. I'm more inclined to lean toward the admitting failure reason, but they may be my brain not wanting to accept lingering feelings. I'm not sure. I do think he was hurt by the marriage falling apart, who wouldn't be? And I don't think there are still feelings, but I'm not him. The only real solution, whatsoever, is for him and I to talk. He'll be home in 3 hours haha.
  • @Pepperally‌ it is slightly annoying...okay, very. But, I've kind of chalked that up to the fact that we could be on totally different time lines or take things differently and that he's a guy. Either way, it's annoying.
  • megso16 said:
    @Pepperally‌ it is slightly annoying...okay, very. But, I've kind of chalked that up to the fact that we could be on totally different time lines or take things differently and that he's a guy. Either way, it's annoying.
    Have a separate conversation about this too, to make sure you're on the same page. And so he knows that him discussing wedding details is not more okay than you discussing wedding details. Focus on the divorce thing first though. 
  • lilacck28 said:
    megso16 said:
    @Pepperally‌ it is slightly annoying...okay, very. But, I've kind of chalked that up to the fact that we could be on totally different time lines or take things differently and that he's a guy. Either way, it's annoying.
    Have a separate conversation about this too, to make sure you're on the same page. And so he knows that him discussing wedding details is not more okay than you discussing wedding details. Focus on the divorce thing first though. 
    This, totally.  That's a total double standard. 
    lilacck28evadorrough
  • @Pepperally‌ @lilacck28‌ absolutely. I can deal with a double standard for right now, but I can't deal with why I'm dating a man who's still married.
    carliealissa
  • megso16 said:
    @Pepperally‌ @lilacck28‌ absolutely. I can deal with a double standard for right now, but I can't deal with why I'm dating a man who's still married.
    Damn skippy! Stick to your guns. 
  • @lilacck28‌ I will! Promise :) I've got a therapy appointment in about an hour and I'm pretty sure she's going to say a lot of what has already been said here, which is a really great thing.
    lilacck28
  • ShallowSeasShallowSeas Indianapolis, IN member
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2014
    @megso16 Does he have kids with his ex-wife? Because if not, and they both WANT the divorce, money shouldn't be an issue. My divorce cost me $100. Thats it. My ex and I had no kids together. We agreed on everything because he screwed me over and knew it. He wasn't willing to fight me. If they can work out agreements between themselves, then all that they should have to pay is the fee to file. In Indiana it was $175 but I filled out an income contingent paper and they dropped it to $100. If they have been separated for 5 years then it seems like they didn't have much between them while they were married.
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  • eilis1228eilis1228 Southwest member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Everyone's had really good advice and insight, so I feel like I'm only repeating what they've said, but...

    There are TONS of red flags here. He brought up marriage and rings early on while still being being married, you aren't the first girl he's dated while being married, and he's got a kid with his ex. You said they had a messy marriage and ended poorly, yet they're apparently still close and neither are concerned with the status of their marriage. 

    He does not sound at all ready for marriage. AT ALL. Maybe for him it's all fun and games, make believe and somedays, when he brings it up with you, but then when you bring it up, the prospect is suddenly too real for him. Or hey, maybe he thinks marriage talk is the way to get you stay around. Maybe he's just telling you what you want to hear? No idea on what his motivations are, but I'm definitely questioning them if he and his wife are still technically married, have a kid, and are in no rush to legally end these despite both being in new relationships. 

    I would proceed with caution here. Communication is definitely key, but be prepared to possibly hear upsetting things. 

    Also, like the others have said, you're still young! No need to rush! You have plenty of time for marriage and babies. Take this time to get to your know BF more and really figure out if he's the right person for you. If he is, wonderful! If not, the right man will come along. 


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  • FWIW - when I first met my DH, he started talking about marriage within the first three months. I was the one who put the breaks on a bit (I told him I wouldn't get engaged until we'd been together for a year). Then he didn't mention marriage again for two years. It's easy to get caught up in the fun of a new relationship. Once it became real, he needed to take a step back and make sure he was really ready to get married again. He was divorced, and the divorce hit him hard. Even though he did NOT want to be with her anymore, it was still something that had an effect on him.

    So while I'd definitely talk to your BF about the divorce papers, I think that you are both young and in a still fairly new relationship. There is no reason to rush the marriage talk at all. 
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    loves2shop4shoes
  • @severmilli12‌ two girls. But, even with the girls, I don't think they had much with the marriage.

    @weewittlewizabeth‌ him and I talked, I'm going to post an update. :) it was good things, but I was prepared for bad.

    @cu97tiger‌ there's definitely no need to rush it, you're right.
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