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Not Engaged Yet
megso16
member
Help.
You ladies all have great advice, so this is the best place to come I think. I've posted here before, but I may ramble, I'll do my best not to. I know we need to talk about things, but I just need to vent to stop myself from crying.
Boyfriend and I haven't been together long, just about 11 months. I'm not rushing to the aisle or to a ring, but we've talked about them. He's brought up rings - asking what I'd like mine to look like, asked me to send him pictures/links, asked what size. I have let him initiaye any conversation about actual rings. We've talked about weddings - size, time of year, he even went as far to ask who my bridesmaids would be. The one time line talk we have discussed was children, we both agreed we'd try when I'm 25, which is 2.5 years from now. He knows I want to be married before I have children.
Anyway, so now you've got the background. Here's where everything gets confusing and where I feel embarrassed and I guess slightly stupid. Last night, joking around, I told him his birthday present was me proposing and teased that it was because he was taking too long. His response "but it hasn't even been a year!!" Which is fine, but now I feel silly for entertaining the idea of us getting engaged any time soon and it's hard for me to tell if he was getting caught up in the romantic idea of engagement or if he's changed his mind or what.
More back story - the divorce is not official from his first marriage. The papers are sitting on his desk, signed by his ex and the notary. I brought up a while ago that they hadn't been signed and his response was that they've been separated for so long that he forgets it isn't official but he knows it's important to me and what's important to me is important to him. He knows I don't want to talk about weddings or engagements until papers are in, but seems to be in no rush to get anything done.
I have probably forgot to include things, I've been kind of a mess since last night. I know it's silly, I just feel embarrassed and confused and hurt. There's no need to rush, I know. I don't talk about marriage or engagements to people, I don't talk about serious/big things unless I'm ready then or very serious about it in the near future. I'm not a crier (cryer?), but all of this ended in me sitting on my couch crying last night.
Boyfriend and I haven't been together long, just about 11 months. I'm not rushing to the aisle or to a ring, but we've talked about them. He's brought up rings - asking what I'd like mine to look like, asked me to send him pictures/links, asked what size. I have let him initiaye any conversation about actual rings. We've talked about weddings - size, time of year, he even went as far to ask who my bridesmaids would be. The one time line talk we have discussed was children, we both agreed we'd try when I'm 25, which is 2.5 years from now. He knows I want to be married before I have children.
Anyway, so now you've got the background. Here's where everything gets confusing and where I feel embarrassed and I guess slightly stupid. Last night, joking around, I told him his birthday present was me proposing and teased that it was because he was taking too long. His response "but it hasn't even been a year!!" Which is fine, but now I feel silly for entertaining the idea of us getting engaged any time soon and it's hard for me to tell if he was getting caught up in the romantic idea of engagement or if he's changed his mind or what.
More back story - the divorce is not official from his first marriage. The papers are sitting on his desk, signed by his ex and the notary. I brought up a while ago that they hadn't been signed and his response was that they've been separated for so long that he forgets it isn't official but he knows it's important to me and what's important to me is important to him. He knows I don't want to talk about weddings or engagements until papers are in, but seems to be in no rush to get anything done.
I have probably forgot to include things, I've been kind of a mess since last night. I know it's silly, I just feel embarrassed and confused and hurt. There's no need to rush, I know. I don't talk about marriage or engagements to people, I don't talk about serious/big things unless I'm ready then or very serious about it in the near future. I'm not a crier (cryer?), but all of this ended in me sitting on my couch crying last night.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Help.
Also, it's strange to me that his divorce will be final when he signs the papers, but he hasn't signed them yet? Is he having a particularly hard time with the divorce? Is he still in love with his ex? Were you the rebound? How old is he?
I don't think so. They've been separated for 5 years, he dated 2 other girls prior to me. He'll be 28 on Saturday.
@Ollie08 I don't know, honestly. It's making me worry as well and making me start to question a relationship I had previously never questioned. He's forgetful, but I don't understand forgetting THAT. I've asked point blank if he still has any feelings for her and he's always said no and he's even friends with her fiancé, so I really don't get it.
So the main reason you're upset is because your (married) boyfriend pointed out that you haven't even been together a year when you joked he was taking too long to propose? You say you agree that that's not a long time to have been together, and you're in no rush to get married, so I don't know why this would upset you.
If the reason you're upset is because you're starting to wonder if he's even serious about you and why he hasn't finalized his divorce, yes, I think these are valid concerns that need to be discussed with him immediately.
1. if he's not signed the papers, it's probably not because he has forgotten. how old is he? I'm assuming you're 22/23. how long has he been separated, and how long have the papers been sitting there?
2. while it's really fun to talk about engagement and rings and weddings and honeymoon and wedded bliss, there are a few things that I see (as a stranger) that I do wish you would take into consideration. he probably hasn't been divorced/separated very long, and it looks like he got married young. do you know why his first marriage didn't work out? "she was crazy" isn't a good answer. if he is this young and has a separation and unofficial divorce, it would really be a good move for you to find out what part he had in the separation of his first marriage... it's likely these issues could be a problem for your relationship with him, too.
3. although you said your comment about proposing because he is taking too long was just teasing, I firmly believe that in EVERY joke there is at least a glimmer of truth. be honest with yourself. I think you were looking for validation from him, right? and you didn't get it, so you were hurt. am I close?
4. my H and I dated the first time when we were about your age. we had a big, nasty break-up. I hated his guts for a while, but a year later, after we both had time to mature and admit our part in what went wrong, we were able to get back together. obviously, we got married. my H was NOT a good candidate for marriage the first time we dated, no matter how much he WANTED to be or how much I loved him. sometimes, the timing isn't right. and that's okay. it's totally okay to know that you love this person, you're committed to them, but the timing isn't quite right for engagement or marriage. I pushed him to commit more than he was ready, and it hurt our relationship.
5. learn to float with the ebb and flow of life... in your romantic relationship(s) or anything. if you can learn to be content with exactly where you're at in life, you'll be SO MUCH HAPPIER. I learned this the hard way. I've noticed that many young adults (especially in their mid-twenties) have a hard time with this... it's an awkward, transitional period of life. you're an adult, but you're not quite where you want to be. but if you can learn to just go with life and release all these expectations of what you SHOULD be at a certain age or phase in life, you'll be much happier. when you can let go of these expectations, it'll also reduce those tensions and pressures on your relationships with others. I thought I would be done having kids by the time I was 25-27, but it looks like we won't be able to even get started until 29-30... and depending on adoption and/or biological timelines, it could be even later. you can't control these things, so just let them happen when they do.
I hope that I didn't hurt your feelers, because it was not my intention. it's hard to convey tone over the internet! I hope that I could provide you with some encouragement and also a little bit of lessons learned from my own/others' experiences.
@lilacck28 I did just laugh it off. I think part of my issue is that I'm the type of person who doesn't say things unless I've put a lot of thought into it and so I don't understand why he started talking about engagement 7 months ago. I'm much less inclined to think about marriage at all after watching how this divorce isn't happening. I'm starting to take it personally.
You're 22-ish - so enjoy life! Look at your career and start working on that!
You've been in your relationship for 11 months. He's not even divorced yet. You're already talking about a wedding, but what about everything that comes with that (aka a marriage). Honestly, after 11-months already talking marriage when he has 1 failed marriage already, people are going to side-eye. Since you're in the relationship, you probably don't see it so much. Most of those I know that were involved in a serious relationship has proceeded with their next relationships with caution and quite a bit slower. (I don't know your relationship though).
Stop putting dates on stuff like 'I want to start trying to have kids at 25, but I need to be married first'. It's ok to have goals in life, but putting them on stuff like 'have kids by' and 'married by' just seems silly to me. Things change! You may have meant it in more of a 'I want to get settled into my life on my own before having kids and I don't think that will happen until at least 25', but there's other/better way to word such things.
Step 1 get that divorce!!! After that you can stop worrying about THAT, and move on to the fun stuff like worrying about when he might propose. Mine came about 4 years after I started hoping for it
This is really irrelevant, but just to throw it out there, too- 25 is young for babies. If your life doesn't happen to end up matching up with your timeline, you have plenty of time. Try not to stress, and enjoy the ride
I think a lot of why they've been separated for so long but not officially divorced has to do with money. What a wonderful world.
@Dignity100 taking things slower after that totally makes sense and I'm sure people would look at him sideways if we got engaged so fast. His past is something I need to remind myself to keep in mind more often. The "when do you want to do x y z?" conversation was more of him asking when I thought we might be ready/how many kids/etc.
@BreMR it is, which sucks. I went and looked - he signed them, but they're still not filed and they're in his possession, so ball is in his court. I can't keep up with how fast everyone's talking either @carliealissa
@lilacck28 her and I get along, which is great. Oddly enough and probably mostly due to children being involved, all 4 of us get along.
Thank you, I mean that. It's hard to not feel pushy or crazy and I don't ask often about the divorce, but it's getting to a point where I sincerely don't understand the delay.