Rehearsal Dinner-Pay your own way?

genealogygrl

I was originally not planning a rehearsal dinner because my hubby-to-be and I cannot afford it. However, we got so much backlash from his family that is coming from out-of-town. Now we feel obligated to host a rehearsal dinner but we still cannot afford it and no one is offering to help with the costs.  My future MIL thinks that it should be ok to tell them that they need to pay their own way. FI and I plan to pay for ourselves, our children, and the pastor that is performing our ceremony. How do we invite people to the rehearsal dinner? Do we send invites or make phone calls? If we make a phone call are we to just come out and say "You are welcome to come to our rehearsal dinner. However, in light of the costs we are asking everyone to pay their own way."? Or do we send invites? And if so, how do we word it so that everyone knows that it is not on our dime. 

Also, please keep in mind that we are going to a local Chinese buffet for the rehearsal dinner so it will only be $11.95 per person plus whatever the cost of their drinks are. And the bridal party is fine paying for themselves as we already handled the discussion with them. Advice right now would be so appreciated as I am about to lose what sanity I have left. 

sandrabrooke

No.  

lyndausvi

If you can't afford it then you can't afford it.     Have your FI talk to FMIL and tell her it's not in the budget and it's rude to invite people to dinner and they ask them to pay.  If the want to get together on their own, let them.

NYCMercedes

genealogygrl said:

I was originally not planning a rehearsal dinner because my hubby-to-be and I cannot afford it. However, we got so much backlash from his family that is coming from out-of-town. Now we feel obligated to host a rehearsal dinner but we still cannot afford it and no one is offering to help with the costs.  My future MIL thinks that it should be ok to tell them that they need to pay their own way. FI and I plan to pay for ourselves, our children, and the pastor that is performing our ceremony. How do we invite people to the rehearsal dinner? Do we send invites or make phone calls? If we make a phone call are we to just come out and say "You are welcome to come to our rehearsal dinner. However, in light of the costs we are asking everyone to pay their own way."? Or do we send invites? And if so, how do we word it so that everyone knows that it is not on our dime. 

Also, please keep in mind that we are going to a local Chinese buffet for the rehearsal dinner so it will only be $11.95 per person plus whatever the cost of their drinks are. And the bridal party is fine paying for themselves as we already handled the discussion with them. Advice right now would be so appreciated as I am about to lose what sanity I have left. 

If you can't afford a rehearsal dinner, then do not have a rehearsal dinner as absolutely nobody but the host should pay. I suggest you cancel the rehearsal so you won't need to entertain anyone.

misshart00

Also, if you can't even afford to pay for your bridal party, consider skipping the rehearsal altogether and you don't have to worry about dinner.

genealogygrl said:

I was originally not planning a rehearsal dinner because my hubby-to-be and I cannot afford it. However, we got so much backlash from his family that is coming from out-of-town. Now we feel obligated to host a rehearsal dinner but we still cannot afford it and no one is offering to help with the costs.  My future MIL thinks that it should be ok to tell them that they need to pay their own way. FI and I plan to pay for ourselves, our children, and the pastor that is performing our ceremony. How do we invite people to the rehearsal dinner? Do we send invites or make phone calls? If we make a phone call are we to just come out and say "You are welcome to come to our rehearsal dinner. However, in light of the costs we are asking everyone to pay their own way."? Or do we send invites? And if so, how do we word it so that everyone knows that it is not on our dime. 

Also, please keep in mind that we are going to a local Chinese buffet for the rehearsal dinner so it will only be $11.95 per person plus whatever the cost of their drinks are. And the bridal party is fine paying for themselves as we already handled the discussion with them. Advice right now would be so appreciated as I am about to lose what sanity I have left. 

genealogygrl

I have tried to skip the rehearsal but it is mandated by the pastor that we have it. He cannot perform the ceremony without a run through. Because of health issues, chaos on the day of the wedding puts him at risk. Should I just do the rehearsal and not offer a dinner? And how do I tactfully deal with the people who are making snide remarks about how they are coming from out-of-town and expect to be entertained and catered to the whole time they are here?

misshart00

genealogygrl said:

I have tried to skip the rehearsal but it is mandated by the pastor that we have it. He cannot perform the ceremony without a run through. Because of health issues, chaos on the day of the wedding puts him at risk. Should I just do the rehearsal and not offer a dinner? And how do I tactfully deal with the people who are making snide remarks about how they are coming from out-of-town and expect to be entertained and catered to the whole time they are here?

Can you have a run through with just a you, your groom, and your pastor?

genealogygrl

No, I asked that too. He requires everyone in the bridal party to be there. That means me, the groom, the two flower girls, the two ring bearers, my MOH, the Best Man, and the Groomsman. And not mandated but requested that the parents be there. Lucky for me I have no parents. lol Or unlucky, depending on how you look at it. He also requires a coordinator to be there to help make sure everyone knows where they are to be and when. I love my pastor but he is very strict. 

What about doing away with the rehearsal dinner and just having a casual get together afterwards? 

April192002

You can have a rehearsal without a dinner. You can also have dinner with JUST the wedding party afterwards. If they're okay with paying their own way, good for them - you have awesome friends/family. If FMIL thinks that the out of town guests should be included in this dinner, then she can pay for whoever she invites...but from the sound of it you shouldn't even bring this up because she'd probably invite everyone and then bail on the check, which would be embarrassing to you and your FI. Also, if she knows when and where and takes it upon herself to invite them (and tells them to pay for it) there's not a whole lot you can do. If that happens though, I'd act completely surprised that they were there! "OMG, I didn't know FMIL invited you! It's great to have you here with us." As far as snide remarks, screw them if they make them directly to you or your FI! That's so rude on their part. They will have entertainment and catering during the wedding - the ONE thing that they were invited to and came for! It's not your fault if they make a vacation out of your wedding and you shouldn't have to pay for that. If you do get a direct comment, not that you have to explain, but you could say that it just wasn't in your budget, which is why you didn't host additional events. If you have hotel blocks, you could make them inexpensive welcome bags with things to do in the area so they can entertain themselves.

genealogygrl

Thank you for all of that information and advice. It is not my FMIL that is the issue but the FI father's side of the family that is the issue. His grandmother that we call "Grammy" is insisting that I have to entertain her family. She keeps referring to Justin's wedding, FI cousin's affair two years ago, and how they paid for everything. Let me make this clear. Justin has a lot of money as his father owns a huge company that he works for. Justin is also Grammy's grandson. Further, my FI is Active Duty Navy and we just don't have that kind of money to spend. It is so frustrating because she was telling me that she refused to come to the wedding if I didn't pay for her hotel room. I told her point blank that we would miss her if she couldn't make it, but we understood money was tight for her. After that the comments have not ceased. In fact, they have gotten worse. Some days she has me in tears. My FI has tried to talk to her about it but she refuses to listen and just keeps putting it back on me. He has pretty much washed his hands of her and said that if she shows that is great, if not, no skin off his back, so-to-speak. 

Viczaesar

April192002 said:

You can have a rehearsal without a dinner. You can also have dinner with JUST the wedding party afterwards. If they're okay with paying their own way, good for them - you have awesome friends/family. If FMIL thinks that the out of town guests should be included in this dinner, then she can pay for whoever she invites...but from the sound of it you shouldn't even bring this up because she'd probably invite everyone and then bail on the check, which would be embarrassing to you and your FI. Also, if she knows when and where and takes it upon herself to invite them (and tells them to pay for it) there's not a whole lot you can do. If that happens though, I'd act completely surprised that they were there! "OMG, I didn't know FMIL invited you! It's great to have you here with us." As far as snide remarks, screw them if they make them directly to you or your FI! That's so rude on their part. They will have entertainment and catering during the wedding - the ONE thing that they were invited to and came for! It's not your fault if they make a vacation out of your wedding and you shouldn't have to pay for that. If you do get a direct comment, not that you have to explain, but you could say that it just wasn't in your budget, which is why you didn't host additional events. If you have hotel blocks, you could make them inexpensive welcome bags with things to do in the area so they can entertain themselves.

No, you can't.  You need to host something after the rehearsal that is appropriate to the time of day.  If you're having a late afternoon or evening rehearsal that means dinner.  If you're having a noon rehearsal that means lunch.  If your rehearsal is at 2 you can host just light snacks and drinks of some sort as long as it wraps up by 5, just like an afternoon wedding, but bear in mind that if your rehearsal is on a Friday a 2 pm rehearsal is asking a lot of your wedding party members and thus may be a bad idea.

Viczaesar

genealogygrl said:

No, I asked that too. He requires everyone in the bridal party to be there. That means me, the groom, the two flower girls, the two ring bearers, my MOH, the Best Man, and the Groomsman. And not mandated but requested that the parents be there. Lucky for me I have no parents. lol Or unlucky, depending on how you look at it. He also requires a coordinator to be there to help make sure everyone knows where they are to be and when. I love my pastor but he is very strict. 

What about doing away with the rehearsal dinner and just having a casual get together afterwards? 

You need to host something that is acceptable for the time of day.  It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, but it does have to be hosted (paid for) by you.  How about getting 2 or 3 pizzas and some soda?  Deli platters from the grocery store or Costco?  BBQ at your house?  There are a ton of ways to do a low-cost rehearsal dinner without being a bad host and putting the cost off on your guests.

kimberly0315

I would either A- have the rehearsal without the dinner. B- Only invite the immediate wedding party to dinner C- Have something back at your house (BBQ or sandwiches) that won't cost much and you could host. D- Tell your FMIL that you don't feel it's appropriate for guests to pay.  Flat out tell her that if they would like to host something that would be great, otherwise it's not happening.

That situation really sucks.  Hope it all works out.

iloveotters2014

Yeah you cannot have people pay their own way. It would be better to forgo a dinner rather than asking everyone to pay....which is also a big no no....but the lesser of the evils in this case.

You can't have some pizza and soda in the church basement or your home? I'm sure you could get a few coupons and order some pizzas and salads and have a great time. a rehearsal dinner does not have to be fancy!

pinkshorts27

kimberlyw939 said:

I would either A- have the rehearsal without the dinner. B- Only invite the immediate wedding party to dinner C- Have something back at your house (BBQ or sandwiches) that won't cost much and you could host. D- Tell your FMIL that you don't feel it's appropriate for guests to pay.  Flat out tell her that if they would like to host something that would be great, otherwise it's not happening.

That situation really sucks.  Hope it all works out.

Do you not read? You can't have A, so go with B or C and D

theartistformerlyknownas

No. You do not have to invite any out of towners, but you cannot have a rehearsal without a dinner. You can't ask people to give up a chunk of their evening and not feed them, or ask them to pay for themselves. Deli platters, tacos, pizza are all fine. But you need to provide your WP with SOMETHING.

April192002

To make a long story short, my friend had an informal dinner after her rehearsal. Mostly because groom's family are flakes and her dad didn't want to pay for someone who only wanted to be there for the free food (he was paying but didn't announce that). I declined in private because I didn't have the money, which is how I found out he was paying, but groom's family decided to go out to dinner together somewhere else at a more expensive restaurant.

If you want to have dinner, then have dinner with some of your friends especially since your wedding party is already okay with paying for themselves. Someone can say "Hey, bride, groom, so-and-so, and I are gonna get dinner at X restaurant, if anyone wants to come." Even that can be a little tricky but if they're a little younger, and it's not either one of you announcing it, I personally wouldn't assume it would be paid for by whoever said it.

Viczaesar

April192002 said:

To make a long story short, my friend had an informal dinner after her rehearsal. Mostly because groom's family are flakes and her dad didn't want to pay for someone who only wanted to be there for the free food (he was paying but didn't announce that). I declined in private because I didn't have the money, which is how I found out he was paying, but groom's family decided to go out to dinner together somewhere else at a more expensive restaurant.

If you want to have dinner, then have dinner with some of your friends especially since your wedding party is already okay with paying for themselves. Someone can say "Hey, bride, groom, so-and-so, and I are gonna get dinner at X restaurant, if anyone wants to come." Even that can be a little tricky but if they're a little younger, and it's not either one of you announcing it, I personally wouldn't assume it would be paid for by whoever said it.

That still doesn't make it okay.  This is a cost that needs to be borne by the bride and groom, if nobody else offers to host.  Asking your friends to pay for themselves is not appropriate.

JCbride2015

Nope, it's very rude to ask others to pay their own way-- no matter how nicely you phrase or explain it.  And it's just as rude to have a rehearsal without the dinner.  If you're asking people to give up time for you, they should be properly hosted.

Can you hold the rehearsal earlier in the day and just provide light snacks instead?

ETA: I do understand you're trying to do the best you can.  Just trying to find a solution that appropriately hosts your guests without being too burdensome on you.  You could also just try to limit your guest list as much as possible: those actually required for the rehearsal, SOs, and the pastor.  Then you suck it up and pay $11.95 each, hopefully that's not a lot of people.

tigersgirlgv

As PPs have said, you can't ask people to pay their own way, especially your wedding party members. They are giving up time and money to be in your wedding and the least you can do is provide them with a dinner, no matter how simple. You only need to host those needed at the rehearsal.

I was a BM in a cousin's wedding recently and the rehearsal dinner invite said BYOB. Now I would have been totally fine with a dry rehearsal dinner, but the BYOB mention rubbed me the wrong way, after all I'd done (and spent) for her and her FI. Obviously I said nothing to her and I'm sure she didn't know that anyone side-eyed it, but we did.

perdonami

I am in the same boat as you with not being able to really afford a rehearsal dinner but still required to have a rehearsal. So, I am going to take everyone for pizza and salad afterward. I also only plan to invite those who are present for the rehearsal and folks who came out of their way to come a day early (DW wedding) like our family friend/DJ who is providing us a much needed service at no charge. You can have a rehearsal dinner without it being super expensive.

WildMagelet

Viczaesar said:

You need to host something that is acceptable for the time of day.  It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, but it does have to be hosted (paid for) by you.  How about getting 2 or 3 pizzas and some soda?  Deli platters from the grocery store or Costco?  BBQ at your house?  There are a ton of ways to do a low-cost rehearsal dinner without being a bad host and putting the cost off on your guests.

All of this.  

MairePoppy

If rehearsal is required, you have to host something. It can be pizza, subs, hot dogs and hamburgers at your home. If your pastor will move the rehearsal to morning - coffee, bagels and cream cheese and breakfast sandwiches in the church social room will be fine. It's not okay to ask your wedding party to pay. 

Granny is wrong. The family shouldn't expect to be fed and entertained the entire weekend. They should pay their own traveling expenses, which includes meals, other than the one they will have at your reception and lodging. Your fi has the right attitude about Granny. 

MGP

You have an obligation to host a rehearsal dinner for anyone participating in your ceremony, their SO's, and the parents of the children involved. This something that you should have budgeted for, but that ship has sailed. However the good news is you are under no obligation at all to host anyone else. Tell Grammy and the out of towners to suck it. 

Host a pizza party or sandwiches back at your place. Much cheaper than an $11.95/pp Chinese buffet and probably more preferable to your guests. Good luck!

Simply Fated

genealogygrl said:

No, I asked that too. He requires everyone in the bridal party to be there. That means me, the groom, the two flower girls, the two ring bearers, my MOH, the Best Man, and the Groomsman. And not mandated but requested that the parents be there. Lucky for me I have no parents. lol Or unlucky, depending on how you look at it. He also requires a coordinator to be there to help make sure everyone knows where they are to be and when. I love my pastor but he is very strict. 

What about doing away with the rehearsal dinner and just having a casual get together afterwards? 

Required? What if someone really can't be there?

Honestly, if the Pastor is requiring it, I would want him to pay for it. That's ridiculous, though. But since you guys chose him, the cost falls to you and your Fi.

Ignore Grammy. If she wants the out of towners hosted, she can do it on her own time and her own dime.

Your FMIL is wrong. The guests should not have to pay for a dinner after you and your pastor require them to attend a rehearsal. They're doing you a favor, you should host them properly.
In all honesty, there is a good chance your bridal party said they were ok with the plan, even if they're not. You kinda put them on the spot, ya know?
You didn't even let them choose the place lol.

aurianna

It's never ok to have your guests pay for anything at an event you are hosting. You'd never invite your friends over to your house for a dinner party but then send them a bill for the food and drink you're serving them, right? Your friends may say they are ok with it, but as a friend and hostess you should not require it of them.

As several previous posters have said though, luckily you are only on the hook for the people actually rehearsing, their significant others, and the parents of the children in your party. It is always nice if out of town guests are invited to the RD, but it is not required by etiquette. If you're approached by someone again that says you should be inviting more people simply say "We are only inviting those involved in our rehearsal to the rehearsal dinner. Hey, have you tried this bean dip?" If you want to tell them it's because that's what you have budgeted, that's your call.

But as others have said, you definitely don't have to do the buffet!! The RD does not need to be fancy at all. Grill hotdogs. Makes sandwiches and a big salad. Hit Sams/Costco for things like bagelbites, hot pockets, soft pretzels, eggrolls, etc and you could probably still feed everyone just as much for more like $5pp, if that.

LondonLisa

Firstly, don't cave to what "Grammy" says. If she would like to host something for her family, she is welcome to. Your FMIL is wrong. 

Secondly, and more importantly, you must host something after the rehearsal for the WP and pastor and their SOs. For the cost of the buffet you were going to, have people over to your house, make some lasagnas, salad and garlic bread at your house and get some soft drinks. 

It is not OK to have ANYONE pay for their own meal at your RD.

genealogygrl

I think I will take your advice and just do a casserole, salad, and some garlic bread and sodas. Not sure where we will have it as my home is too small to host. But my in-laws were thinking of renting a house down by the beach for the week of the wedding so I am sure we could probably do it there if need be. I'd do it at the church social hall but it will already be decorated for the reception the next day. 

If all of this falls through, my husband is talking to his brother who is the best man about the situation. Chances are that he will offer to pay since he also refuses to fight their grandmother on anything. I don't expect him to but hubby-to-be says that he probably will offer since that is his nature. I told hubby-to-be that he needs to make it clear to his brother that if he foots the cost then that is our wedding present. I am uncomfortable asking him to help but this is hubby's doing at this point and I am washing my hands of it. 

JCbride2015

genealogygrl said:

I think I will take your advice and just do a casserole, salad, and some garlic bread and sodas. Not sure where we will have it as my home is too small to host. But my in-laws were thinking of renting a house down by the beach for the week of the wedding so I am sure we could probably do it there if need be. I'd do it at the church social hall but it will already be decorated for the reception the next day. 

If all of this falls through, my husband is talking to his brother who is the best man about the situation. Chances are that he will offer to pay since he also refuses to fight their grandmother on anything. I don't expect him to but hubby-to-be says that he probably will offer since that is his nature. I told hubby-to-be that he needs to make it clear to his brother that if he foots the cost then that is our wedding present. I am uncomfortable asking him to help but this is hubby's doing at this point and I am washing my hands of it. 

The bolded sounds perfect.

Just make sure your Fi doesn't pressure his brother into anything.

OliveOilsMom

OP - I wanted to add that if granny truly won't leave you alone and your FI won't deal with her, then you should totally stand up for yourself against her!  You don't have to be mean to her, but be firm with her that you won't discuss the wedding any further.

"Granny, we have different ideas for the wedding and I'm sorry that our ideas upset you.  So it will be best to not discuss the wedding any further.  Now, have you tried any good bean dips lately?"  And keep changing the subject till granny drops it.  If she refuses and keeps bringing up the wedding then tell her: "Granny, I have repeatedly told you I will not be discussing the wedding with you any further.  If you don't have anything else you wish to discuss, then I will talk to you later."  Then hang up or leave!  Show granny that you won't put up with her BS, like the rest of the family - apparently. 

I would add, I think it's pretty shitty that your FI has washed his hands of granny, when she has been leaving you in tears after conversations with her.  I know my H wouldn't stand for that with me.

genealogygrl

OliveOilsMom, let me clarify as I feel that I may have worded what I meant by washing his hands of her. What I actually meant was that he has washed his hands of her in all areas, not just the wedding and me. We have three children together and the woman will constantly belittle my parenting, my family, and my relationship with Jeremy. There are numerous occasions where she has brought me to tears. Jeremy is at the point where he has told her time and again to leave me alone with no results. So basically, we just put up with her and avoid her as much as possible. When I visit the family out-of-state I don't go to see her if possible. I usually leave the visitations with the kids to Jeremy. I am just not confident enough to stand up to her without being rude about it. I am not assertive but can be aggressive. So I avoid the situation altogether and have told everyone that I don't want to hear her opinions. So if she comes to them making demands on the wedding they just keep closed mouthed about it and if she asks why I haven't done what she wants I can honestly say that I had no idea that she wanted me to do it that way and it is too late now to make changes as the money in that area is already spent.