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Etiquette

Aunt Trying to Invite Kids &/or Adult Kids to My Wedding

HauteRoxyHauteRoxy member
10 Comments First Answer Name Dropper 5 Love Its
edited June 2014 in Etiquette
Hello everyone :)

 So - I sent a message to FH's aunt.
 We are having a destination wedding, but she lives in the area of our destination. I haven't heard if her & her husband were coming, so I sent her a message to ask, and I also asked if she got a chance to choose their entrees.

The entire rest of the wedding guest list has been confirmed, so I figured what the hell, I will shoot her a message and ask so I can go ahead and wrap things up. (They got invites, addressed only to her & her husband) - FH and I didn't really want to invite her, but his mother insisted. FH is not close to her, and we want a super intimate wedding. Hence, her invite is already stretched.

 She texts me back saying, "yeah, and my 3 kids want to come. So put me & H down for pasta, and the rest for the *insert name of most expensive entree here*"

How do I respond?
Our venue is already at capacity - as I said, it is an intimate ceremony. The wedding is an entire weekend long. I don't even know how old these kids are. . . . that's how NOT close this family is. It's already disconcerting to FH and I that we were "made" to invite people we really didn't want to.

We wanted this super low key. NO kids except mine either, and they aren't really "kid" kids, they are just newly teenagers.

 Now I am super uncomfortable & I don't know how to respond to this woman.

 Advice?
«1

Re: Aunt Trying to Invite Kids &/or Adult Kids to My Wedding

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Have FI call her and explain that the invitation was only for aunt and uncle and you unfortunately cannot accommodate additional guests.

    This-and stand your ground. Don't offer any explanations or excuses for why kids are not invited or they will offer to pay or otherwise compromise so the kids can come.

    HauteRoxydoeydochibiyuiaaemery
  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear Arkham Asylum member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2014
    Apologize for the confusion (Which is totally not your fault,  you did everything right and your invites were very clear, but it's just a nice way to start your explanation)  but the invite was only for her and her husband, as unfortunately you weren't able to invite everyone you wanted to.  Leave it at that and if she decides to be REALLY obnoxious and demand more explanation, just tell her the truth- your venue is already at capacity, there is literally no space for her kids, and if she can't attend because of this, you understand.  

    DON'T cave and let them come.  First off, because people need to stop letting people get away with rude crap like inviting 3 extra people to an event.  Second, because if you go over the venue's capacity, there can be real consequences.  If having those 3 extra people would violate a fire code, the venue might actually stop letting people in when they reach capacity, and turn away the last 3 guests to show up.  They're not going to risk a lawsuit just because you ask really nicely, and whoever gets turned away will be PISSED at you.  
    image
    HauteRoxychibiyui
  • Thank you everyone!

    I AM super concerned about the capacity issue, we had to put a HUGE deposit down because our visit is a wedding. We will lose it all if we get busted for anything. We already have had battles with family members over DOGS ATTENDING. 

    This is becoming NOT FUN and quite miserable for us. We are footing the bill alone, no money was offered from our families .. . that is understandable, but this inviting crap is really putting me in awkward positions with a family I don't even know yet. :(

    We have to order entrees in groups of 10, those extra entrees would cost us $350 because we would be going over our count and have to order 10 more - not just 3. We have sweat and cried and worked a whole lot of overtime and scrimped and saved to have a very nice wedding with a limited number of people. And it seems like 80% of them just want to sabotage it. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Who the fuck tries to get their dogs to be allowed?!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    HauteRoxyLenorsun
  • HauteRoxy said:
    Thank you everyone!

    I AM super concerned about the capacity issue, we had to put a HUGE deposit down because our visit is a wedding. We will lose it all if we get busted for anything. We already have had battles with family members over DOGS ATTENDING. 

    This is becoming NOT FUN and quite miserable for us. We are footing the bill alone, no money was offered from our families .. . that is understandable, but this inviting crap is really putting me in awkward positions with a family I don't even know yet. :(

    We have to order entrees in groups of 10, those extra entrees would cost us $350 because we would be going over our count and have to order 10 more - not just 3. We have sweat and cried and worked a whole lot of overtime and scrimped and saved to have a very nice wedding with a limited number of people. And it seems like 80% of them just want to sabotage it. 
    The bolded is bullcrap.  Ridiculous you have to pay for entrees in 10s.

    Like PPs said, STAND YOUR GROUND!  :)  Sorry things have been stressful, but they will get better.  Guest lists and dealing with people always wanting to add is just a temporary pain.

    And I also want to know more about the dog request.

    SaveSave
    chibiyuiHauteRoxy
  • HaileyDancingbearHaileyDancingbear Arkham Asylum member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2014
    HauteRoxy said:
    Thank you everyone!

    I AM super concerned about the capacity issue, we had to put a HUGE deposit down because our visit is a wedding. We will lose it all if we get busted for anything. We already have had battles with family members over DOGS ATTENDING. 

    This is becoming NOT FUN and quite miserable for us. We are footing the bill alone, no money was offered from our families .. . that is understandable, but this inviting crap is really putting me in awkward positions with a family I don't even know yet. :(

    We have to order entrees in groups of 10, those extra entrees would cost us $350 because we would be going over our count and have to order 10 more - not just 3. We have sweat and cried and worked a whole lot of overtime and scrimped and saved to have a very nice wedding with a limited number of people. And it seems like 80% of them just want to sabotage it. 
    Ask your FI to talk to this relative if you don't want to be in an awkward position, since this aunt is on his side (A part of your OP I blanked on when I wrote my earlier response!).  

    Also, take a deep breath.  First off, congratulate yourself, it sounds like you've done a lot of hard work.  Try to see it from a more positive perspective, rather than being stressed that others aren't pitching in, be proud that you're able to do it without help.  And above all else, remember that what's really important is that you are marrying someone you love and starting a new chapter in your lives.  Whenever you get stressed, just take a moment to think of that and smile.

    People are always gonna be a pain about something.  You can't control how they act, but you can control how you react- don't let them stress you out, stressing out over what is out of your control doesn't help you at all.  Try to relax a bit, come back and vent on here if it helps (We do it all the time, and you know what, venting to a bunch of strangers really does help sometimes!).  Good luck with the rest of your planning!
    image
    HauteRoxyjules3964
  • One of our VERY immediate family members has a small dog . . I'm sure you can picture the cliche of a privileged woman carrying her Chihuahua with her everywhere. The wedding is a weekend long and the person doesn't want to be separated from the dog or to kennel it. This person said they'd make sure the owners of the venue would never know the dog was there, etc. etc. just an uphill battle, we won of course, but it's just ridiculous.
    HaileyDancingbear
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Well, she can bring her dog to a dog friendly hotel in the area you are getting married at, if she can find one.  But as for bringing him or her to the wedding, that's a different story.
    image
    HauteRoxy
  • doeydo said:
    Well, she can bring her dog to a dog friendly hotel in the area you are getting married at, if she can find one.  But as for bringing him or her to the wedding, that's a different story.
    Yeah, but they may not let the dog stay in the room while she's at the wedding. My experience is that you have to take the dog with you when you leave the room unless the hotel has an actual kennel.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    HauteRoxy
  • To be blunt - it is FMIL's dog.

    To be quite honest, spending all of our money on a cabin for family to stay in - and if she chooses to stay in a hotel because of a DOG, FI and will be PISSED - To say the least.  

    We could have down graded the cabin to one less room and saved.  
  • Oh, FI tried to call his Aunt - he left a message on Saturday (just stating to please return his call) and we have not heard back yet. 
  • Hailey thank you for the perspective. I really needed that - and it helped. I am so grateful! <3
  • I suppose the Aunt wanted to talk to me . . . she texted me a few minutes ago, and my stress level and blood pressure are through the ROOF. She said she tried to contact FH (he's at work) so he couldn't answer . . she wanted to know what we needed - I couldn't really get out of it. :( 
     
    I politely explained to her the issue. I even told her that I have two siblings, neither of which made the guest list either, hoping that would procure some empathy maybe . . . umm nope.

    So I am a bitch, and also she's sorry she has kids. Wow. 

    I swear on the Holy Bible I was nothing but polite! The generic, I am so sorry for any misunderstanding, I feel awful, we wish we could have the whole world celebrate with us, but this is what we have to work with  . . . etc etc.

    Trying not to lose my ish. 

    Then she said that FMIL told her that the kids' names would be on the invite - before I sent them out. That is totally not true. FMIL totally threw us under the bus. She knew how limited our guest list is. I am so angry right now, and also hurt. 

    Besides that, I learned all the kids are over 18, which I would have asked FMIL about - because I sent separate invites to all adult "children" whether or not they lived with their parents. 

    SMH.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    HauteRoxy said:
    I suppose the Aunt wanted to talk to me . . . she texted me a few minutes ago, and my stress level and blood pressure are through the ROOF. She said she tried to contact FH (he's at work) so he couldn't answer . . she wanted to know what we needed - I couldn't really get out of it. :( 
     
    I politely explained to her the issue. I even told her that I have two siblings, neither of which made the guest list either, hoping that would procure some empathy maybe . . . umm nope.

    So I am a bitch, and also she's sorry she has kids. Wow. 

    I swear on the Holy Bible I was nothing but polite! The generic, I am so sorry for any misunderstanding, I feel awful, we wish we could have the whole world celebrate with us, but this is what we have to work with  . . . etc etc.

    Trying not to lose my ish. 

    Then she said that FMIL told her that the kids' names would be on the invite - before I sent them out. That is totally not true. FMIL totally threw us under the bus. She knew how limited our guest list is. I am so angry right now, and also hurt. 

    Besides that, I learned all the kids are over 18, which I would have asked FMIL about - because I sent separate invites to all adult "children" whether or not they lived with their parents. 

    SMH.
    Make your FI responsible for any future communications with his family members and make sure he has your back on all other aspects of the wedding.  I'd also consider not accepting any money from his family and returning any funding they've already provided.  The only way for you to keep control of your wedding out of their hands is to pay for everything yourself.
    HauteRoxyjules3964
  • Thanks, Jen. I will be sure to do that. He totally has my back 100% - not to sound odd or rude, but we wanted to elope initially. Then we thought we couldn't do it without our parents. Then grandparents. Then his family made requests. That turned into demands. They have never, ever, ever, never ever (Smokey from Friday) offered to or contributed financially or otherwise to our wedding except grief. We have saved, scraped, and worked overtime to the bone for a year and a half now to pay for everything ourselves. We are even renting cars for everyone's travel. We are asking no one to spend anything but gas money and time to come to our wedding. We just wanted them there. Then certain family members wanted Jane, John, Rex, & Joe to come and all their kids . . . when we say no, we are the biggest assholes ever. I shouldn't say, "they", I should say FMIL.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Sounds like your FI needs to have a come-to-Jesus with his mother and tell her that only those who pay get a say in your wedding and there are to be no more demands, and if she doesn't like that then that's too bad, but you will not hear any more criticisms from her about your wedding.  She can take it or leave it.  Hopefully, she won't leave it, but even if she does, at least she won't be there trying to control things or creating drama at the actual wedding.
    jules3964HauteRoxy
  • I may be way off base, but it seems like she purposefully chose to talk to you instead of your FI. I'm guessing she knew very well that her kids were not invited and wanted to create a stink.  This woman is not close to either of you and hopefully you won't have to deal with her very often. Getting a rise out of you is probably exactly what she wants. You've already explained. Next call (if there is one) should be field by FI. Good luck.

    jules3964HauteRoxyrsbloom
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So how did you leave it withFi's aunt? Did she understand that her children arent invited? And I agree, your fi needs to have a serious talk with your FMIL. Because she wont stop pushing you around until you let her know and mean it.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Thank you everyone! 
    mimivac - you are not off base at all. I honestly believe that was the entire purpose.

    So the Aunt refuses to come to the wedding because her kids can't come. 

    Two of them are adults, moved out of the house, the other is 16. And FMIL's mother lives with the aunt, so she now has no ride to the wedding.

    FMIL now wants someone (another FH family wedding guest) to pick up her mother (I will leave specifics out for anonymity purposes - you can never be too safe I guess)
    She is very elderly and cannot get around without serious physical assistance.

    Also, it is two hours from our venue. It will put a huge burden on this person . . . FMIL isn't willing to go get her . . not sure why, to be difficult I suppose. 

    FMIL is now mentioning to other family members she has no intention of attending the wedding.

    FH is going to his parent's tomorrow evening to see if FMIL even plans on coming. If she is not, FH isn't certain his father will. We are both leaning toward the fact that he WILL come, but we both realize he has to live with his wife day in and day out.

    If they don't attend, the wedding will be canceled and we will carry on as is with just FH, me & our kids. 

    But it will be sorted out tomorrow because if plans change I need to get on the phone. :(




  • HauteRoxy said:
    Thank you everyone! 
    mimivac - you are not off base at all. I honestly believe that was the entire purpose.

    So the Aunt refuses to come to the wedding because her kids can't come. 

    Two of them are adults, moved out of the house, the other is 16. And FMIL's mother lives with the aunt, so she now has no ride to the wedding.

    FMIL now wants someone (another FH family wedding guest) to pick up her mother (I will leave specifics out for anonymity purposes - you can never be too safe I guess)
    She is very elderly and cannot get around without serious physical assistance.

    Also, it is two hours from our venue. It will put a huge burden on this person . . . FMIL isn't willing to go get her . . not sure why, to be difficult I suppose. 

    FMIL is now mentioning to other family members she has no intention of attending the wedding.

    FH is going to his parent's tomorrow evening to see if FMIL even plans on coming. If she is not, FH isn't certain his father will. We are both leaning toward the fact that he WILL come, but we both realize he has to live with his wife day in and day out.

    If they don't attend, the wedding will be canceled and we will carry on as is with just FH, me & our kids. 

    But it will be sorted out tomorrow because if plans change I need to get on the phone. :(




    That makes me ill. I can't comprehend parents not coming to their child's wedding when they know how upsetting that would be to their child. Obviously it is up to you and FH whether or not to proceed if they refuse to attend, but UGH I don't think you should let their crazy selfishness stop you from getting married. 
    pinkshorts27OliveOilsMom
  • We will still get married, it will just be - I guess an elopement? It will just be us & the kids. 

    We will still go to the same place, everything is paid for: venue is completely paid off, photographer too - and the cake. The food is the only thing needing finalized obviously... 

    I would never want to put FH through a huge ordeal with my family there and not his. I know how I would feel if it were the other way around. 

    It makes me ill as well. They have ZERO burden, ZERO reason to NOT come to the wedding. There is no reason for all of this nonsense. 


  • wrigleyvillewrigleyville Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    What the hell is wrong with these people? They're acting like preteens, not adults. This is their son's WEDDING, not a goddamn slumber party.

  • We are definitely standing our ground . . 

    FMIL is a story-teller, a half-storyteller, and an outright omitter .. .

    So FH and I are going to sit down with FFIL and FMIL tomorrow evening. 

    I tried and tried to tell him he needs to go it alone, but he insists I be there. He said he needs my support and absolutely doesn't want to go alone. I agreed but he needs to do the talking. 
  • @hauteRoxy ;

    Good luck! And, if you wouldn't mind,  keep us updated and let us know how it goes!
  • So . .. we went to the FIL's last night (things happened the night before & we couldn't make it) 
    We had dinner & talked. It was surprisingly nice & calm. 
    When FH went into the house and was alone with FFIL he was able to make sure he would be at our wedding even if FMIL wouldn't be coming. 

    lol - he said - "It is set in STONE that we BOTH will be there, even if he has to drag FMIL - her ass is going too." 

    Love it. 

    So we are a bit better now, FH also told FMIL to keep her nose in joint and stay out of anymore business - everything is now officially planned & done. All RSVPs are accounted for and no more changes will be made. 

    I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted and I am keeping my fingers crossed that we can move forward from here with the rest of the "loose end" planning that we have to get done. 

    Double digits baby! 

    And thank you so so so super much for all of your support and kind words. 

    I honestly thought I was losing my mind and being selfish until I asked you all .. . xo
    !!
    holyguacamole79NYCMercedeslilacck28OliveOilsMom
  • Go FFIL for being the voice of reason. Word of warning that FMIL will probably try to be a snit on your wedding day because she wants the upper hand. She might complain about something, give backhanded compliments, drag her feet, or just be an all around ass. Ignore anything she says, make sure FFIL has the resources to get her there on time (no kidding, my ceremony started late because my grandma lied about how far away the church was to her ride, and dad wouldn't let us start without her.), and then remember that if she wants to be a crabass it has no affect on whether or not you'll be married. My guess is she's going to try to get you down when FH isn't looking, because manipulators don't take to not getting their way. Be ready for her to suck, ignore it, and enjoy it that much more if she decides to be pleasant.
    I'm out.
    HauteRoxy
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